Peer-Reviewed Research

This article on peer-reviewed research methods caught my eye. This quote from the article sums up the subjectivity of the claim to validity based on a "peer-reviewed" status:

Couldn't a group of individuals committed to promoting their own research -- which may or may not be well-founded -- get together to form their own "journal," which they could legitimately claim publishes "peer-reviewed research"?

They can, and they do.

Chesterton

I love this quote:

But the new rebel is a skeptic, and will not entirely trust anything. He has no loyalty; therefore he can never be really a revolutionist. And the fact that he doubts everything really gets in his way when he wants to denounce anything. For all denunciation implies a moral doctrine of some kind; and the modern revolutionist doubts not only the institution he denounces, but the doctrine by which he denounces it. Thus he writes one book complaining that imperial oppression insults the purity of women, and then he writes another book in which he insults it himself. He curses the Sultan because Christian girls lose their virginity, and then curses Mrs. Grundy because they keep it. As a politician, he will cry out that war is a waste of life, and then, as a philosopher, that all life is waste of time. A Russian pessimist will denounce a policeman for killing a peasant, and then prove by the highest philosophical principles that the peasant ought to have killed himself. A man denounces marriage as a lie, and then denounces aristocratic profligates for treating it as a lie. He calls a flag a bauble, and then blames the oppressors of Poland or Ireland because they take away that bauble. The man of this school goes first to a political meeting, where he complains that savages are treated as if they were beasts; then he takes his hat and umbrella and goes on to a scientific meeting, where he proves that they practically are beasts. In short, the modern revolutionist, being an infinite skeptic, is always engaged in undermining his own mines. In his book on politics he attacks men for trampling on morality; in his book on ethics he attacks morality for trampling on men. Therefore the modern man in revolt has become practically useless for all purposes of revolt. By rebelling against everything he has lost his right to rebel against anything. (from G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy)

Credit Bail Out

I agree with writer of this article. I will go further and say that it is not the job of the government to save people when they make poor decisions. Actions have consequences. Sometimes those consequences are not pleasant. But that is part of life. This attitude that the government will/should take care of me is simply wrong. You are responsible for your own life. Be responsible!

Discernment

Discerning what is true can be very difficult at times. I have so many "voices" that speak when I think about my wants, needs, or desires. There are many sources of these "voices": fear, pride, masks, false selves, lies, wounds, selfishness, and the "real self". How does one discern which voice is "real"? How do I cut through all the lies, masks, falsehood, and sin and discover the "truth"? I do not mean that I am searching for some truth that applies to everyone, but finding what is really true about what I want or need. This is not an easy thing.

I am not an expert on this and in fact struggle greatly with finding my real wants and needs. I tend to overanalyze everything and in doing so, the "voices" are all clamoring to be heard and acted upon. I want to think about some practical ways that I can go about filtering through these voices to find the real me.

Pray

Ask for the Holy Spirit to guide me in discerning what is true and what is false. Ask for wisdom and strength as I dig through and sift through the voices to find what is true.

Identify what is false

What do I know is false? What have I in the past identified as false? Statements that are or have been identified as false can be discarded. In order to do so, it is helpful to create rational responses that can quickly address the falsehood. For example, there is a statement that frequently speaks that says, "You don't like to travel." My response is: "I don't like certain aspects about travel, but it does not mean I don't like the entire thing."

Talk to others

There is nothing like talking to someone else to get their point of view. So many times I find I am blind and can't see from a different angle and an outside point of view is so helpful for me to discover what I am searching for. This person is one that I trust completely and is familiar with my situation or struggle.

Write it down

Sometimes there are so many different voices that it is helpful to write it all out. I have been shocked to actually see in writing what my mind was thinking. Many times the lies and falsehood are very evident when they are seen (when brought to sunlight).

Carefully ask questions

I have learned through therapy that when trying to identify what I want or need, I ask the voices questions and keep asking to discover their source. Is the voice speaking from who I am or is it a mask? Is it what I really want, or is it only a wounded cry? In my travel example, I might ask: "Why do you make the statement you do not like travel?", "What aspects of travel do you like, if any?", "What travel experiences have been positive for you?", "Do you really dislike travel, or is there something else here -- a mask or false self that is presenting itself?", "When did your travel 'preference' change?"

Act

This is my least favorite. How can I act until I am sure? I am discovering that sometimes, I have to act on what I know now, so that I can have the new perspective on the other side of the action. I've struggled greatly with decisions before, some especially very recent, and it hasn't been until I've been on the other side that I was able to see what I could not see.

Light and Darkness

I have a quote by C.S. Lewis on my wall at home that says:

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.

John writes in 1:4 that "In Christ was life and the life was the light of men." The picture I would like for you to imagine is that of a man (or woman) walking around without any light. How is this person going to know where he or she is going? How can they give directions to other people who exist in the darkness too? How is this person going to understand what certain objects look like if they have never seen before? This is the state of an individual before Christ enters his or her life.

"The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness does not understand it." (John 1:5) I forget the following all the time: How can a non-Christian person be expected to live like a Christian? How can someone who exists in darkness be expected to see anything? I can point out all day long what I see, but without the light of Christ in the other person's life, they simply won't be able to see it.

Now, this on the surface seems very arrogant, but please understand this next point. Your world view will determine not only what you see but how you see it. Let's go back to our darkness example and pretend there is a lion in the room. Our person finds this lion and thinks it is a soft, warm animal. But if the light is turned on, the person might find the lion preparing for dinner! What was thought to be safe and good is now perceived to be dangerous! This is true for any world view, be it Christianity, humanism, evolution, etc. And don't misunderstand: Christianity is not just a religion. A relationship with Jesus Christ will change everything!

I do believe that the analogy Lewis suggests above is exactly correct and I have found that to be so in my life. There have been many things that before coming to Christ didn't make a whole lot of sense, but now that I am in a relationship with Him, I can see what I missed before. Until given sight, I wasn't able to see. Not that life with Christ makes everything clear -- there are still a great many things I don't understand, nor do I think I will understand. What I have found is that sometimes understanding is not what is important, but simply loving. I suspect many husbands would tell you they have found this to be true with their wives -- they don't understand them, but it doesn't matter, they love them. I think Lewis talks about this in Mere Christianity.

A person living in darkness may have decided to wear armor because of the bumps, scrapes, and pain that has been experienced without light. And this person may think someone crazy who comes up and says the armor isn't needed! Of course it's crazy -- if you can't see anything. But when light fills your world, when you are given sight, what a difference it makes!

Thus, and this is more for me than anyone else, I need to remember what darkness was like. I need to remember my former state and consider the impossibility of expecting a blind person to see. Unless Christ turns the light on in their heart, they won't. Screaming at them (figuratively or literally), trying to stop them, trying to explain things to them simply won't work. It is Christ, the light of men, who gives life and makes a blind man see.

Enchanted

I saw the movie Enchanted twice this weekend. Yes, it was that good! Fantastic movie! I highly recommend going to see it. I think it will be up for several nominations, including film score, screenplay, and perhaps actress.

One thing that I noticed was how innocent fairy tales are. It made me wonder what exactly the fairy tale women do on the night of their marriage to Prince Charming. I mean, the entire romantic ideal is leading up to this perfect kiss and dance. And let me tell you, there's a whole lot more than that going to happen on the wedding night! The thought made me laugh. Can you imagine how shocked Cinderella and Snow White were? Happily ever after might just be preceded by "You want me to WHAT?!"

Grace

This one little word represents an immense struggle in my life. I was thinking this morning that if I just understood grace, then I wouldn't be so hard on myself. Then I realized: the very definition of grace excludes understanding it! Grace is unmerited (unearned) favor. It is a good gift that I don't deserve. It is forgiveness in the midst of law and my violation of it.

The older I get, the more I see that my struggle with giving to and receiving grace from others is rooted in the lack of grace I give myself. And the lack of grace I give myself comes from my fear of losing control. Grace is very control-free. It is very unnerving to realize that my entire standing before God is completely because of Him and nothing that I have done, am doing, or will ever do. By fully accepting God's grace, I am essentially acknowledging my helpless state!

Now, theologically I believe in God's grace and the reality that it is undeserved. But it does seem that there is a disconnect between my mind and heart. For example, I think about how I am not a loving person. Then I start getting onto myself about not being as loving as I want to be. Then I start thinking about what I need to do in order to become more loving. And then I get discouraged because it seems overwhelming. And then I get frustrated because I am not loving, I want to be loving, but it seems impossible. And I keep trying to figure things out, figure out what I need to do, think, say, etc. in order to be what I want to be.

Where am I going with this? I don't know. I think this goes back to an earlier post where I felt God was telling me to "Be still and know He is God." I am not a standard for myself and maybe what He wants from me is the surrender of this standard of measure by which I measure myself (and others). He wants me to accept His Word about who I am in Him, regardless of what I think or feel about myself. And, He wants me to accept the fact that I won't be able to understand why He gives grace, or how deep His grace is, or how He is going to change me, or the million other questions I keep trying to solve. I'm the patient who keeps trying to tell the doctor what to do.

Cohabitation

Another interesting article, this one about cohabitation.

Couples who move in together before marriage have up to two times the odds of divorce, as compared with couples who marry before living together. Moreover, married couples who have lived together before exchanging vows tend to have poorer-quality marriages than couples who moved in after the wedding. Those who cohabited first report less satisfaction, more arguing, poorer communication and lower levels of commitment.

Hard Work

I really enjoyed this post. From the article:

You may think this is harsh, but it's not. Hard work is the single most important thing you can learn in life besides devotion to spouse and parents. One reason people become failures and/or criminals is because they never learned to work.

People who develop the habit of hard work don't become bums or drug addicts, and don't wind up in middle age with suicidal self-loathing. "Work, generally speaking, is the single best cure for any malady of soul or mind," said the greatest thinker in English history, Samuel Johnson. (I'm paraphrasing here. The exact quote is slightly different.) Work elevates the spirit, disciplines the mind, conveys self worth -- redeems life itself.

A Thief of Joy

Fear is a thief of joy. I continue to see this almost every day. Not only does it take away the enjoyment of today, but it robs you of the anticipation of tomorrow and the satisfaction of yesterday.

I've been thinking about this specifically in relation to the retreat I came back from this weekend. Leading up to the retreat, I wasn't very excited about going. I invented scenarios in my head and had gone down the road mentally of several "what ifs". So I wasn't very excited about going; if anything, I just wanted to get it over with. Now that I am back, I can look at the worries I had before going and I see that almost all of them were unnecessary. I wasted a great amount of mental energy and allowed worry and fear to steal my joy.

This applies to a great many areas in my life. One of the big areas I feel like Christ is growing me in is this area of trust and releasing fears. One of the fruits of the Spirit is joy! Without joy, life is no longer life--it turns into a repetitive emotionless search for meaning.

Choosing not to worry is not easy at all. But aren't all good things in life worth fighting for? Is not joy worth fighting for? Even the joy on the other side of difficulty, such as Christ enduring the cross for the joy set before Him, in Heb. 12:2. Don't let fear steal your joy!

Manhood and Outdoor Activities

John Eldredge in his books strongly argues that outdoor activities are a necessary part of manhood. I want to add a word of caution to this belief because I think it is easy to misinterpret his argument and take it to an extreme.

Outdoor activities do not prove oneself as a man. They help build confidence, allow a man to exercise his strength, and can be helpful in confirming what is already true, but do not make one a man. If I measure myself as a man by the success of these activities, then any failure in doing them will result in me questioning my manhood! Suppose I decide to play baseball and discover that I am not good at it. If I measure myself as a man based on how I play baseball, I will believe that I am a failure as a man (this can be applied to anything: rock climbing, cycling, etc.).

Is it any surprise that men get so angry at times when they feel they are failing? Part of the problem may be that men believe this lie that says I must succeed at this in order to be a man. We are constantly trying to prove our manhood and when we fail, we get angry and underneath this anger is the fear that we aren't really men.

Am I defined as a man by my successes or failures or am I defined as a man by my God? Do I accept the definition of manhood that the world gives based on the sports and athleticism? Do I focus on whether I feel like a man today (which is as inconsistent as the weather) or my standing and place before Christ? Is a "real" man never afraid, never weak, never uncertain?

It is worth paying careful attention to why activities are done. Do you feel angry if you aren't doing well? Go there - why are you feeling angry? What unfinished place inside of you is the fear speaking from? Are you believing a lie that defines your manhood by your success at this activity? Ask Christ to show you who you are in Him.

Marriage and a Ropes Course

I have previously had an opinion that an ironclad commitment in marriage is unrealistic, because either party can change, and the change could be for the worse. The idea of staying married no matter what seemed a little extreme. What about abuse, affairs, or giving up? I have been told by a married friend of mine that it wouldn't matter. Really? I didn't believe him, mainly because I see my humanity and feel that at some point in a bad marriage, I'd be done. (Now, his belief is that it wouldn't stay bad if you keep trying.)

This weekend I did a ropes course and was very surprised by what I experienced in doing it. Before doing it, I wasn't sure I could do it. I didn't know about finishing. I set my goal to be at least make it through the first part of it. Here was the shock. When I set foot on the course, something clicked in my head and there was no going back. I was going to finish. There was no question about it. Something inside of me knew I could and would finish. There were a couple of things I have never tried in my life, that I've been deathly afraid of, and something inside of me did not allow any hesitation. It was a feeling that I had made a decision and I was going to follow through with it, no matter what fears or difficulty I faced. I was securely fastened and I would be fine.

How does this relate to marriage? I feel the idea of marriage is very intimidating... it is for life! But experiencing the ropes course over the weekend made me realize that when the decision is made, something inside of the brain changes and there is a commitment to the decision that could almost be described as irrational! Perhaps this is one of the part that love plays in a relationship--it causes us to do things that normally our brain would determine as irrational (not that I am suggesting to abandon yourself to emotions and ignore your mind; there is room for wisdom and making smart choices).

The presence of Christ in my life as my Lord is the truth of being securely fastened in the course--that even if I fall, He will catch me, pick me up, and set me back on the course. As I navigate through life, in the experiences of a relationship, work, marriage, friendships, or school, He is the harness around my waist, the rope that fastens to me, and the anchor that keeps me safe.

David's Praise

I read this morning a verse in Psalm 34:4, 7-8:

I sought the LORD, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears... The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them. O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!

This passage gives me great comfort. David is testifying that God came through for Him and promises that He will come through for me.

Be Still

Cease striving and know that I am God. (Psalm 46.10a, also translated Be still and know that I am God)

I was riding on the bike this morning and was thinking about what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, and what I was afraid to do. I was mentally making a list of all the things I dislike about myself that I wanted to work on. It started to become very overwhelming and this verse came to mind. It is a difficult verse for a type-A, super-achiever, perfectionist to understand. You want me to do what!?!? Or better, you want me to stop doing?!? If anything, my natural reaction is to try harder, to do more, to try to find "the fix". I keep endlessly searching for who I am, which as helpful as that might be, who I am will still be a dead end in the end. Don't get me wrong -- I am all for deep soul-searching and seeking to know one's past so as to understand its impact on the present and future. But I keep getting caught up in the circular reference of self.

Maybe what God desires of me is less of me striving and more of me listening to Him. When Mary and Martha had Christ over for dinner, Martha was busy preparing the food while Mary was sitting at the feet of Christ hanging on His every word. Martha was mad at her and told Christ to make Mary get up and help her. Christ's response was, "Martha, Martha [Joshua, Joshua], you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:41) It is hard for a Martha to simply sit and listen. It doesn't feel like I am doing anything! But isn't that the point: it's not about what I am doing, but what He is doing! This is hard for me to swallow. And yet somewhere, deep inside my soul, there is a shout of joy. After all, my list is overwhelming.

In my typical type-A fashion, I start to but what about my... "But what about getting myself to a place where I can be a good husband, father, employee, family member, friend? But what about my fear? But what about my selfishness? But what about my..."

But what about God?

• So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. (Is. 55:11)
• But he [Christ] said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9)
• Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. (Is. 41:10)
• Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth Does not become weary or tired His understanding is inscrutable. (Is. 40:28)

Just a few verses, of the hundreds, if not thousands, that can be listed describing God. Perhaps my perceived limitations and insurmountable obstacles are just that because I am looking at me, buying into the lie that I have to figure this out all on my own. I'm like a dog who has a thorn in his paw: I'm kicking and screaming as my master is trying to get me to be still so he can pull it out. Maybe my master wants me to be still because he wants to love on me.

Cease striving and know that I am God.

Hillary Clinton

Yet another reason to be wary of Hillary Clinton.

East to West

Casting Crowns has a new CD out and their song East to West is amazing:

East To West - Casting Crowns

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you've cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Chorus:
Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You
But You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been rising up in me again
In your arms of Your mercy I find rest
cause You know how far the east is from the west
from one scarred hand to the other

I have highlighted some of the words that really stick out to me. My greatest fear is to become like my dad, a man overwhelmed by fear. This song speaks very deeply to my heart about the change and hope that is in Jesus Christ.

Seneca

One of my favorite philosophers is Seneca. I read one of his quotes today that said:

No man was ever wise by chance.

I have said before that fear is the thief of joy. Well, he agrees (or rather, said it first):

Where fear is, happiness is not.

Stupid

Well, I noted a couple of weeks ago that Apple needs to get its act together on allowing the consumer to do what they want with what they buy. And yet, here they go, continuing their stupidity.

Article

I thought this was a good article that Pastor Andy sent out today, especially the following quote:

Nietzsche argued that since the Christian God is the foundation of Western values, the death of God must necessarily mean the erosion and ultimate collapse of those values. Remove the base and the whole building will slowly crumble. For a while, Nietzsche conceded, people would out of custom or habit continue to respect human life and treat people with equal dignity, but eventually there would be ferocious assaults on these values, and practices once unthinkable such as the killing of people deemed inferior or undesirable would once again occur. This is precisely what we have seen in our time, and Nietzsche predicted that it will only get worse.

http://blogs.usatoday.com/oped/2007/10/a-christian-fou.html

Discerning Truth

A few days ago I noted that I wanted to post on discerning truth. This topic has been bothering me for a while, and I wanted to share my frustration and thoughts about it.

When I say discerning truth, I mean determining what is true and what is not. We live in an information age, and we are bombarded daily with expert after expert making statements that make the truth claim. And yet with all of these can't be true at the same time, because many of them contradict each other. We have studies that suggest that gender is physical and others that suggest that gender is sociological. Which is right? Is it reasonable to expect that one of the choices must be right?

It seems to me that one needs to develop a great ability to accept change, because what is believed to be true today may not be tomorrow. At one time, the earth was thought to be the center of the solar system; now, the sun is believed to be the center. As scientific discoveries are made, some things are proven to be true, others are proven false, and still others are shown to be partially true or false.

In addition to further discoveries, this is great disagreement on what is accepted at true. One cannot prove or disprove evolution or creation. This statement might be met with much disagreement, but we simply do not have proven evidence that proves one or the other (by this I mean a definite repeatable experiment that shows that chance changed the actual species of a living organism, or that God created the world). And so great arguments arise because (at least in my view) people are arguing on different foundations. If I accept studies X, Y, and Z as true, and you accept studies A, B, and C as true, and neither of us agree with the other's accepted studies, an honest discussion is pointless, aside from debating for the fun of it.

So much of what we accept as truth is really theory, perhaps very good theory, but ultimately theory. And the basis for truth seems to change constantly because different people and groups have different standards for deciding that something is true. For example, after reading a book on the female brain, the author convinced me that gender is genetic, because I define it as a physical thing. But my basis is the sperm's chromosomes and the testosterone explosion that happens in the sixth week of gestation. Another person may define gender in terms of non-physical attributes, such as mental attitudes or leanings. Thus, an argument over gender is rather useless until some sort of common ground can be reached on what will be accepted as true.

Thus, I am left feeling very frustrated, because how is one to have an open, honest discussion? You come from your point of view and I come from mine. Until we each understand where the other is coming from and what basis the other person is coming from, what you certainly won't have is good discussion.

One final thought and I am done. It is a silly thing for Christians to demand that non-believers accept the Bible as the basis for truth. It isn't productive to begin at that place. It's like trying to sail a ship on land.

Apple and iPhone

Yet another example of a company trying to control and lock down its consumers, to it's own hurt. In the technology industry, you don't lock down anything, unless you want a bunch of pissed off consumers. Apple needs to quit trying to prevent nerds from being nerds and embrace an open source concept that encourages innovation.

Oh the hypocrisy

So Al Gore won a Nobel for his environmental crap. And yet, as this article points out, his actions don't match his words.

It is my opinion that the environmental movement is ultimately about control, not about what is really true. This brings up another point which I hope to post in very soon, which is about discerning truth.

MP3 Music Downloads

Amazon has opened its DRM-free music store! You may download music from its store that is not copy protected, and it is in 256 kbps! Here is what Amazon says:

* Selection: Every day we add new music to our collection of over 2 million songs from independent and major label artists. We're continually working with music labels to offer more and more content in the MP3 format.
* Quality: Our MP3 tracks are encoded at 256 kbps, which gives you high-quality audio at a reasonable file size. This means your music sounds great and downloads quickly.
* Freedom: Because we sell MP3 files with absolutely no rights management software, you're free to listen to your music on any device you'd like.
* Value: Amazon MP3 offers high-quality DRM-free downloads at low prices. Find full albums as low as $4.99 and tracks as low as 89 cents.

Visit amazon.com.

I am an idiot

I was reading my brother's blog and he made a statement that caught my attention. In reference to what my dad taught us as children, he said: "I am a [huge] idiot for ever believing in all that [trash]." This is a statement I have made before, so I understand where he is coming from. I want to walk through some of the things I have learned through my healing process. Perhaps it will be beneficial to others.

In her excellent book, Becoming Real, Dr. Saltz argues that our childhood stories hold us back from becoming real, authentic, adult individuals. We create our childhood stories in order to survive and harmonize what we experience as we grow up. Let me give you an example:

• A father regularly tells his daughter to shut up when he is home.
• The daughter thinks: there something wrong with me. Here is where our childhood state limits us. We can't blame our parents because we need them. It is a terrifying thing for a child to imagine that a parent is wrong (where else will the child go?). In fact, we almost never do. Please understand that as you read this, you can see that the father is being an ass. But a child rarely will be able to see such a thing.
• Therefore, if the parent is not to blame, then the fault is: me. I am at fault, I am the problem, I am the issue. In the example of the daughter, she will feel that my opinion and words don't matter because I am not important and there is something wrong with me. I am worthless and don't have any value and that is why daddy doesn't want me to talk. It is easy to see this as faulty logic as an adult, but a child does not have such mental competence.
• The daughter will now grow up believing this, even as an adult, and will act in a manner consistent with the "story" (I am not worth being heard) she created as a child.
  

One of the purposes of counseling is to find such false stories and "re-tell" them in a manner that is true. In the process, one goes through a few stages that can be terrifying, uncomfortable, and painful. These are stages that I have been through and continue to go through as I discover stories, discover the deeper impact of already-discovered stories, and accept the truth of the newly re-told stories. These stages are not comprehensive or guaranteed to occur in the order listed.

Stage 1: I am not worth being heard because there is something wrong with me.
Stage 2: My parents were idiots and morons and I hate them. (we have identified that the fault is the dad's, not ours and then we switch our anger)
Stage 3: My parents are imperfect and probably have stories of their own they never dealt with.

Stage 1

We must identify the story and the source of the story -- why do I think this way? What was communicated to me, verbally or non-verbally, in my childhood? Who communicated it to me? What happened that caused it to be communicated to me? What am I believing about myself that may not be true? I identify the story, "Something is wrong with me", and then I identify the story's source, "Dad wouldn't listen to me." Once we have identified both, we can then check our conclusion. Just because dad wouldn't listen to me doesn't mean something is wrong with me. Maybe something is wrong with him ! And so we move to...

Stage 2

The years of anger and frustration we have aimed at ourselves comes boiling out at the people who have hurt us. All this time we have felt the fault is ours. We have discovered we were lied too, or treated horribly. The appropriate anger over this is felt and finally directed (sometimes verbally) at the culprit (and not us). Instead of feeling self-loathing, the daughter now feels anger and hurt from the words spoken to her by her dad. She is angry at him because of how he treated her as a child, and for just cause! I have said before that wounds must be felt before they can be healed. This is a very necessary and important part of the healing process. The caution here is when and if to express this to the parent. The daughter may decide not to discuss this with her dad, either because he is unavailable, or would not be receptive. What matters is that she finally identifies the person who was wrong and charges them with the wrong (by "charge" I mean ascribing fault), instead of believing that she was wrong.

Many, if not most, people get stuck before stage 1 or somewhere in stage 2. Either I am angry at myself and don't know why (or I know why and don't care), or I am angry with my parents, and stop there. It is scary to actually move beyond the wounded state and into healing. After all, a broken leg might get me more attention or care than if it were fine. I'd actually have to run the race of life a little faster if this leg were healed.

Stage 3

After accepting the story is false and feeling the anger and hurt towards the people responsible, we are then at a place where we can chose to accept the parent with their mistakes. You cannot skip from "the problem is with me" to this stage -- feeling the hurt and anger is essential to healing. Just as healing is personal, so are the decisions once the story is re-told. In my own life, I have chosen not to have contact with my dad, because he continues his destructive habits towards others. At some point, when I start to understand that I actually have value , it makes me a lot less likely to accept or even be around those who would try to deny it. But that is my choice. It is an extreme one, and likely not one you would have to make. What is important is to create boundaries in your life that are consistent with the new, truthful story. The daughter might think, " I am a person of worth and therefore what I have to say is worth hearing. Therefore, if I am interrupted or told to shut up by my dad in the future, I will gently, but firmly confront him and tell him that I am not finished or I want to talk (or arrange for a better time to talk when he will listen). If he does not respect this stance, then I will not talk to him." Our new boundaries will be met with resistance, both by ourselves and others. Our false story will keep trying to reassert itself and we will regularly have to keep reminding ourselves of its falsehood. And other people may have been spoiled to the "door mat" that we were for them that we will no longer be for them.

This is healing. This is when the person has reached a place of maturity, when a wound has been recognized, felt, and healed. This is when an adult acts as an adult, out of genuine wishes, desires, and choices, instead of wounds, false stories, and a battered self image.

Additional Thoughts

I want to emphasize again that the stages I have listed are not complete nor are they necessary in order. Healing is unique to the individual, and your healing will take a very personal route that is specific to you. The main emphasis of this post is that you are a person of value, and if you do not believe that to be true, you are acting and believing a story that is not true . It is worth identifying and seeking healing from such stories so you can live a whole life.

HDTV

I did not realize there was a deadline:

Congress passed a law on February 1, 2006, setting a final deadline for the DTV transition of February 17, 2009. Most television stations will continue broadcasting both analog and digital programming until February 17, 2009, when all analog broadcasting will stop. Analog TVs receiving over-the-air programming will still work after that date, but owners of these TVs will need to buy converter boxes to change digital broadcasts into analog format. Converter boxes will be available from consumer electronic products retailers at that time. Cable and satellite subscribers with analog TVs should contact their service providers about obtaining converter boxes for the DTV transition.

Interesting

I found this post to be very interesting. It is a good warning for the upcoming elections next year.

Bush Bail Out?

This is crap.

Famed bond fund manager Bill Gross said the White House should bail out the millions of American homeowners who face the dreaded prospect of foreclosure this year.

What is true is that millions of American homeowners' eyes were too big for their wallets and now they can't afford their mortgages. It is not the job of the president, Fed, or anyone for that matter to rescue people from stupidity and greed. And how would the White House bail the millions of homeowners out? With tax dollars, paid for by you and me. So in reality, if this were to happen, you and I would pay for the mortgages of other people who bought more than they could afford.

Flying

"A categorical refusal to fly often stems from a fundamental belief about life: the idea that "I need safety at all costs." We take a perfectly valid and functional belief, "I want to be safe," and escalate it into an unreasonable demand, "I need an absolute ironclad guarantee of safety." The trouble with this demand is that it causes you to misperceive the odds."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-20070709-000001.html

Fear Cells

I am very pleased to read of this discovery:

http://pressesc.com/01184528191_cure_for_fear

Needs of Men versus Women

In his excellent book, His Needs, Her Needs, Dr. Harley details the top five needs of men and women. The needs below are generally true of men and women, though it is possible to have any of the needs below, or even one not listed.

5 Major Needs of Women:

Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment

5 Major Needs of Men:

Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Admiration, Domestic Support

Motivation

My therapist asks a question frequently that is finally starting to sink in to my brain. When I am evaluating a choice or action I might make, what is the motivation of my heart? This question can apply to all decisions. And is it uncomfortable! I was reminded of this just now as I thought about something as simple as an email. What is the motivation of my heart in... saying this, doing this, writing this, not saying, doing, or writing this (whatever "this" may be)?

Quotes

I love to read and I come across different things that really hit home with me, so I am starting a regular post category so that I can share these quotes with others. Here are a few that I really enjoy:

It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. (Professor Dumbledore, Harry Potter)

The behavior of the fully human being is always unpredictable, simply because it is free. (John Powell)

To tell you my thoughts is to locate myself in a category. To tell you about my feelings is to tell you about me. (John Powell)

To my ears a lot of religious exortation seems to be aimed about two to three miles above where most people really live. (John Powell)

A man who would be his sisters keeper must protect every woman first of all from himself, from everything that calls itself love... (George MacDonald)

Every father who loved his children, ought to make them independent of himself, that neither clog, nor poet, nor hindrance of any kind might hamper the true working of their consciences: then would the service they rendered their parents be precious indeed! Then, indeed, would love be lord, and neither self, nor fear of man, nor fear of fate be a law in their life! (George MacDonald)

He loves Thee too little
Who loves anything together with Thee
Which he loves not for Thy sake. (St. Augustine)

In every country where independence has taken the place of liberty, the first desire of a manly heart is to possess a weapon... (Alexander Dumas)

Children always say 'do it again'.. God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning 'Do it again' to the sun; and every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our father is younger than we. ( G.K. Chesterton)

When it comes time to die, make sure that all you have to do is die. (Jim Elliot)

Be careful, lest in fighting the dragon you become the dragon. (Nietzsche)

Human Brain

The human body is one of the most amazing things God ever built. I think He enjoys us learning about its design, because we keep discovering just how complex it really is. The article below that I have partially quoted from is about researchers trying to simulate the human brain. They are starting with a mouse brain (3,500 times less complex) and finally were able to do what it does in 6 times the time. And to do so, it is "leveraging IBM's technical resources to the limits". How great is our God!

From the article...

Their first goal is to build a "massively parallel cortical simulator" that re-creates the brain of a mouse, an organ 3,500 times less complex than a human brain (if you count each individual neuron and synapse). But even this is an undertaking of epic proportions. A mouse brain houses over 16 million neurons, with more than 128 billion synapses running between them. Even a partial simulation stretches the boundaries of modern hardware. No, we don't mean desktop hardware. We're talkin' supercomputers.

So far, the team has been able to fashion a kind of digital mouse brain that needs about 6 seconds to simulate 1 second of real thinking time. That's still a long way from a true mouse-size simulation, and it runs on a Blue Gene/L supercomputer with 8,192 processors, four terabytes of memory, and 1 Gbps of bandwidth running to and from each chip. "Even a mouse-scale cortical simulation places an extremely heavy load on a supercomputer," Modha explains. "We're leveraging IBM's technological resources to the limit."

http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,1895,2147452,00.asp

Gas price bill

I am concerned that the House passed a bill that gives the FTC more power to punish gas companies for gas prices. What this does in effect is place price controls on the gas companies, which is almost always a bad idea. Price controls create shortages because naturally, if a company is limited to the amount it can charge, it will naturally (based on the free market) divert its supplies to the place with the highest price, and ignore the places with the lowest price. I highly recommend reading Basic Economics by Thomas Sowell for a better understanding.

http://finance.yahoo.com/expert/article/yourlife/34125

Growth

I’ve been thinking about growth this morning and its difficulties and challenges. All of us have attributes about us that need growth – either to be eliminated, or changed. It could be pride, fear, procrastination, laziness, anger, drivenness, isolation, judgmental spirit, or a whole host of other things. Sadly, these come from the combination of our sin natures and our family backgrounds. All of our struggles are due to sin; some also are because of a wounded heart.

In my blog titled Excuses a few weeks ago, I listed some of my common excuses for avoiding growth in my life. One of the biggest excuses I have used and use at times is: I can’t do it. I want to look at this one in greater detail.

What is true about the “can’t” word in relation to a character deficiency? If I want to climb a mountain, I certainly can’t climb the entire thing immediately. Nor would it be wise for me to do so alone. I need a guide and I need to focus on what I can do. The guide will tell me what to do and where to go, and focusing on the immediate area (putting my foot here is another step up the mountain) will eventually allow me to get to the top of the mountain.

In my own life, I have used the word “can’t” to describe something that truly was unrealistic and impossible. I can’t be a man who is without fear. But that doesn’t mean I allow fear to remain in my life, or that God doesn’t want me to grow. What it means is that I am looking at the wrong thing. I am looking at the mountain instead of at my Guide. I am looking at the distance I need to go instead of at the step I need to take now. God did not ask Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac as his first act of faith – He developed a relationship with Abram and first brought him out of Ur (and this was at age 75).

I cannot underscore the importance of this in working on weaknesses in your life. If you “can’t”, it may be because you are trying to take too large of a step (trying to be perfect now), or you are trying to take a step in a wounded state. This is not the solution or an easy fix, but rather one way I have avoided growth.

Without a daily relationship with God, you will not grow. This is critical and the first step to any character growth. It is also the area the enemy will attack first. If you find that your relationship with God is not where it needs to be, take this step now! Do not delay, do not put it off any longer. You are trying to climb a mountain without a Guide, scale a rock wall without a harness, trying to cross the ocean without a boat or plane. We are told in Hebrews 12 that when we run the race, we do so with endurance and “fix our eyes on Jesus.”

Without the intimate friendships of other believers who are like-minded, you will not grow. The second change God made in my life was to place me in a group of people who loved Him and who came alongside me and supported me as I grew. You cannot grow alone. You cannot climb alone. And you aren’t expected too. God is relational, and He created us in His image as relational beings.

If there are emotional wounds in your life that are unhealed, you will have great difficulty growing. It is very important to address these if you know they exist in your life. We will have wounds and go through a process of healing all throughout our lives. But wounds from abuse, neglect, and absence of critical people in your early life (father/mother/family/friends) need to be investigated carefully and healed. This is usually done through therapy, and I highly recommend looking into it if you are aware of something in your life that needs to be addressed.

If you don’t grow in the situation you are in now, you will find God changes your situation so you will grow. I have seen this in my life and the lives of my friends. God’s goal for you is not to give you a job with comfort, or that you get married, or that you are successful, but rather that you are conformed to His image and His character. If this means being single, struggling in your job, or living with weakness, then He will put those in your life in order to grow you. I have had relationships fail because I refused to grow. I have had my life turned upside down because I refused to grow and God does not give up (praise His name!). Be careful that in your avoidance of growth you do not invite greater change that will emphasize your need for growth even more (which tends to make the new situation more unpleasant).

If you don’t start now, it will only get more difficult later. I have stated before that time does not heal all wounds and that time does not grow us out of our weaknesses. The saying “old habits die hard” is very true. The older the habit, the harder it is to kill. Imagine your character flaws as mounds of earth. Every day you are either taking the shovel and removing dirt from the mound (by placing it on God for His removal) or you are adding dirt to the mound. The mound is either getting bigger or smaller, based on the decisions you are making every day. C.S. Lewis said “That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger [pride, judgment, procrastination, laziness, fear, etc.] today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible.” (Mere Christianity)

I write the above more to myself than even to you, whoever you may be. These are things I have learned and continue to learn as I grow. How grateful I am that His grace is sufficient, that His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). My encouragement to you is start today. “Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as when they provoked me.” (Hebrews 3:15) “He who began a good work in your will be faithful to complete it.” (Phil. 1:6). And above all, the goal of growth is a deeper relationship with Christ.

Morality

I found the following article interesting:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/27/AR2007052701056.html

What the article suggests is that morality is part of the "base" or core part of our brain. I find this fascinating and it rings true with what Scripture says about our creation. Sin is a distortion of our design, not our intended design, so one would expect that evil is a perversion of the design and not part of the design itself.

"That Girl"

Recently, the concept of “that girl” has crossed my radar and it has caused me to think about men’s expectations of women that women think/perceive men to have that causes a woman to judge herself based on those perceived expectations. What I mean by “that girl” is the “cool” girl that lets her man be free to do what he wants. I want to suggest some thoughts on this concept.

First, some of what men expect simply isn’t realistic. If a man expects a woman to allow him to break his promises, to be irresponsible, to be careless, to treat her poorly, then it is the man that is wrong, not the woman who isn’t that way. This may be very obvious, but I still want to be sure that it is clearly stated. So, I would suggest that if a woman is judging herself based on what she perceives men to expect/desire, first ask yourself if those perceived expectations are even reasonable.

Second, there are times when each partner needs something from the other person. Certainly, there are times that you don’t care if he spends an evening or weekend with his guy friends, but there are also times when you need him to be there for you. That is reasonable and normal (as long as it is not excessive, like every day). One of my friends became very upset when his girlfriend came back from a week-long cruise and then wanted to take a weekend trip with her girls the following weekend. This is an example from a guy’s point of view, but I think it still applies.

And third, it greatly depends on the character of the one you are with. My aunt trusted my uncle completely to go anywhere and do anything (as long as he had spent time with her beforehand) because she knew his character. She knew he would be completely faithful to her. She never questioned his faithfulness, and never had too.

If you are finding yourself doubting the person you are in a relationship with (this applies to both sexes), ask yourself what it reveals about both of you – the character of your partner and yourself.

Darkness and light

A couple of years ago my friend John attended the men’s group when we were discussing the Every Young Man’s Battle book. He made a statement that has stayed with me and has been something I have come back to frequently. In our discussion of the sins men struggle with, specifically the sexual ones, John said, “darkness cannot survive in the light.” I believe this to be one of the most helpful statements I have heard, and I want to walk through some of my thoughts regarding this.

Sin thrives and grows in darkness. It shrivels and dies when it is brought to the light – of God’s word, of accountability with Christian friends, of real honesty with the self. I have learned that the more I hide my sin, the harder it is to fight it, and the more I lose. The more I am open about my sin to those around me, the easier it is to resist and overcome it.

Men, I want to address you for a second. God holds you accountable for the purity of any relationship with the opposite sex (recall God came to Adam first in the garden). In my opinion, you cannot maintain this alone. It is almost impossible to maintain this purity if you do not have strong accountability in your life. What I mean by this is that you are honest with other men in your life about what physical boundaries you have and how you do each and every time you interact with the opposite sex. Some of you reading this might think this is excessive. “But I see her as holy and a sister in Christ and so I don’t need accountability.” Just wait until you and/or her aren’t in a holy mood and see how well you resist. This is not in reference to my present situation, but just something I have observed and even find myself making sure I am on my guard against. One of the greatest protections I have in my current relationship is the four men in my life who are constantly asking me how I am doing. If you don’t have this, set it up now. Draw the line, set the standard, and keep dragging the darkness into the light so it does not hurt you and the one you are with! Girls, encourage your man to seek and maintain accountability!

Back to addressing everyone. It is a strange thing that bringing light to sin makes it easier to fight. But I have found repeatedly that when I hide my sin, I lose; when I confess it, I start to overcome it. James 5 says we are to “confess our sins to one another and pray for one another, so we may be healed.” It is not so that we can judge each other, but so we aren’t alone. Satan prowls around us like a roaring lion, and a lion on a hunt wants to isolate the prey from the herd. Fight isolation and the tendency to hide.

One of the ways I know I need to be accountable with my boys is by checking how I would feel by telling them what just transpired. If I wince or am embarrassed by the thought, I know I need to tell them, for my pride and flesh are fighting back. And when I tell them, I feel better – because it is brought to the light and I know they are praying for me and are aware of my struggles. This has been one of the better gauges for me to know when darkness is creeping in. Are there things in your life where the thought of telling one of your close friends about it actually makes you feel uncomfortable? It might be time to consider bringing light to darkness.

Relationship Threats

Relationship Threats

I don’t have a great amount of relationship experience, but these last few months have been a great eye-opener to me about many things involving relationships. It is one thing to read about them – it is quite another to actually live it! I have observed several things in myself that I want to share, specifically regarding what I consider some of the greatest threats (coming from the flesh) to a successful relationship. I believe these not only apply to relationships with the opposite sex, but also all types of friendships and family interactions.

Pride

This is one of the deadly sins, and one of those that God specifically says He hates (stated several times in Proverbs). From this sin comes judgmental behavior and thoughts (“I am better than you”), arrogance, distance, stubbornness, and even feeds selfishness. C.S. Lewis said that pride is essentially competitive in its nature, and how deep and intimate can any relationship be if one is constantly competing with the loved one? I had separated pride and stubbornness, but I personally think that the stubborn sin’s source is pride and selfishness.

Selfishness

This is an insidious enemy and one that in my opinion will kill love faster than most things. Men are commanded to love as Christ loved the church – sacrificial servant leadership. One simply cannot sacrifice and serve through being selfish. Selfishness is the opposite of sacrifice and service. How can I focus on meeting your needs and carefully listening to your desires, wants, hurts, frustrations, and joys if I am self-focused? Christ said to follow Him we must take up our cross daily and follow Him. He paints a picture of dying to self, daily, but even more of what I am finding to be true, hour by hour and minute by minute.

Fear

This is nasty sin, especially because it is so often is covered by lies and deceit. Perhaps “I don’t want to do that” – I claim to be selfish, when perhaps I am really afraid of doing it. Fear loves to hide. Fear will many times manifest itself through other emotions and frustrations. Men, this is especially true with anger. I have said before (and it is not me saying it, but well-documented and known psychology) that anger is not a primary emotion – that it reveals something deeper. Many times, anger is covering fear.

There are many other sins of the flesh that threaten relationships, but these three seem to be fairly significant, in at least my life. And I am learning that God is not interested in me being less selfish, but not being selfish at all. Yes, that is practically not possible, but that is the goal. He does not accept an excuse on my part such as, “Well, I’ve been pretty unselfish this last week, so I can be selfish today.” No, each day we must die to ourselves, and live to Him. I say must intentionally here – because if not, it only creates strain and hurt in our relationships and friendships.

Excuses

It is critical as a young person to do what you can to experience healing and work through the issues in your life that you are aware as soon as possible. Healing is an unusual process because it can take time and doesn’t plot an exact course. It goes through high and low periods. But one can cultivate an attitude of openness to healing that will allow it to happen when the time is right. I say it is critical to work through issues while young because if they are not dealt with, they will be passed down to children and negatively effect relationship and work life.

I have identified some of my common excuses I used in order to avoid healing. I want to list these below and address them with a rational response.

I'll grow out of it over time

Wrong. Time does not heal all wounds. A broken leg will heal broken if it is not set and placed in a cast for a period of time. Wounds need attention, wounds need to be felt, wounds need to be addressed. Ignoring them or hoping they will go away will only deepen their impact as more of a false self will be built up around it.

What do I mean by this? One of my father wounds as a child was that my dad called me a coward when I refused to hit him back one evening when he was being abusive. My excuse in the past has been that over time, I'll just get over that and move on. The problem I ran into is that the person in my life I looked up to the most identified me as a coward and so over time, I began to take that to heart. I began to withdraw from various activities, people, and relationships. I began to isolate myself. I didn't see why I was doing it, just as if someone is ignoring a broken leg, they'll wonder why they can't run. Once I allowed myself to experience the range of emotions such words evoke -- hurt, anger, and finally the admission that such a statement was made from my dad's own wounded state, and thus it isn't true – I was able to start moving past those words and make progress.

I can't change/It's just the way I am

This was/is my favorite excuse. What is really true is a few things: I am lazy and don't want to change, I am afraid to change, I don't believe I can change, I don't see how I can change, and I am being arrogant and selfish by not changing. That may seem like quite a mouthful. Please don't misunderstand -- I know that many of our decisions come from being wounded and when our leg is broken, we can't imagine what a sprint is like. But, we must learn not to confuse the fact that we are not healed now as a statement that we will never be healed. Do we believe in God's power to heal us? Then if I am obedient to Him and place myself in His hands, He will heal me. It is pride/laziness/selfishness/fear that will keep me from His healing power. But such resignation is only an excuse for the deeper issues.

I don't need help

I prefer to do things by myself. I am very stubborn about this. But God made us for community and fellowship. God isn't even alone -- He exists in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! And we are made in His image to experience fellowship with people like us! You cannot experience healing alone. It just isn't possible. You need people, whether it is a therapist, close friend, small group, or family members. The first change that God made in my life was to plug me into His community, with His people, so I might have fellowship, encouragement, and strength from them. I could not have experienced any healing without the blessing that my close friends have been to me.

I don’t want to

This is also one of my favorite excuses. It’s really either I am lazy or I am afraid. Usually it is a combination of both, with the latter having much greater weight. One of the habits I learned very quickly is to act in fear by masking my true desires. It is basically killing or denying the heart’s desire. If I convince myself that I don’t really want it, then I don’t have to grow or do what is necessary to get it, to be it, to experience it. All the while fear is laughing inside because it’s not that I don’t want it (usually somewhere I am dying for it), but that I are terrified of the process. And so it hurts me in at least two ways: I deny my heart, slowly taking away my very life, and I don’t experience the growth and character development God wants in me. In a sense, I live a “double” life because I am split between the hearts core desires and the masked pretend wants.

I encourage you to think through some of the excuses you make that block your healing, if this is the case. Do you live a double life with yourself saying one thing, and then doing another? Are there situations in your life that you don’t understand why you act or react the way you do? Do you have longings and desires, but are afraid to act on them? If so, it is a pretty good indication something is there. And the longer you delay, the harder it gets. God is waiting for you!

My Work!!

This comic is exactly what my work is like... Such a perfect comic!!!

Feelings (continued)

I've been thinking about my previous post about feelings (please read that first before reading this one) and I want to continue my thoughts on this idea of communicating feelings. When I share my feelings, I am sharing myself, but when is the appropriate time to do so?

Part of communicating ourselves to another person means that we take where they are into consideration before we do so. How close am I to this person? How close are they to me? Can I trust them if I share my feelings with them? I think I probably mess this one up the most. Those of you who know me, I am pretty verbal -- and as soon as I say it, Proverbs about a "babbling fool" pops into my head -- thanks God. Anyway, my thoughts here are that in order to be sensitive to another person and really communicate myself to them and for them to feel comfortable communicating themself with me, I need to really exercise care and seek to understand where they are in relation to me. Then I can communicate my feelings and thoughts to them at a level that is appropriate to our friendship or relationship.

That being said, there are some situations that call for an honest expression of thoughts or feelings regardless of where the other person stands. I'm not sure how to tell the difference, but I think looking at Christ gives us a pretty good idea of what that might look like. I do believe it is a man's responsibility to be the primary one to lead a relationship to emotional depth by revealing his feelings first. I think it creates an atmosphere of safety and comfort so a girl can then communicate hers. However, I am finding that there is a balance that is required in doing so. It would be silly for a man to say "I love you" on the first date. For one, I find it difficult to believe real love would occur that early.

I don't want this post to come across as seeking a formula or magic solution that will fix communication issues. Rather, it is my attempt to reveal some of my struggles and thoughts regarding my own communication discoveries and blunders. Good communication takes the other person into consideration when communcating the self.

Feelings

"To tell you my thoughts is to locate myself in a category, to tell you my feelings is to tell you about me." (John Powell, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am)

This statement is one I find so fascinating and true in my life. When I tell people what I think, I am telling them my opinion, the result of my thoughts, a very surface-level view of myself. But when I start to express my feelings, it is the revelation of the real me. Feelings are present to indicate the satisifaction or frustration of wants or needs, so when I am expressing how I feel, what I am doing is telling you my real wants and needs!

Communication is not something I am very good at and I am learning that it is very important to really listen and seek to understand what another person is saying and feeling. But even more so, it is critical that I reflect back to them my understanding of what they have communicated to me, and not in any way challenge, disagree, or make fun of their feelings. When we do so, what we are doing is attacking the person! If telling you how I feel tells you about me, then if you attack how I feel, you are attacking me.

I am really starting to see that good communication is that which, if it is thought centered, is the communication of the "category" I am in, the communication of the "category" you are in, and then seeking to understand why we each are in the "category" we are in. If communication is feelings centered, I communicate my feelings to you, you communicate your feelings to me, we reflect back to each other what we understand each other to feel, and we work (if necessary) to adjust our behavior to serve one another. In both situations, we need to be careful not to try to convince each other that "my" thoughts are feelings are right, or that your thoughts and feelings are wrong.

Many of you who read this might be thinking, "This is not how he communicates at all!" And you are right. I am a very poor communicator. I share this because it is what I am learning and struggling with, and it is something I want to improve.

Romancing God

There are so many aspects about God that will take an eternity to discover and learn. Each day I learn more about Him through the various situations and people He places in my life. I have written in the past about God and romance and how He is romantic, and our romantic desires are a reflection of His heart. But a question occurred to me recently, and it was, how do we, as His people, romance God?

In my previous post about God and romance, I stated that romance is about being known. I believe this is one of the foundations of true romance. In human relationships, we spend time with people and we learn about them, we learn what excites them and makes them happy. And when we are romantic towards them, what we are doing is taking what we know about them and doing those things we know (or guess) will make them happy and give them joy.

So, given God’s position towards us, He is in the perfect place to be romantic towards us. He knows everything about us. Psalm 139 is a praise of God’s knowledge of us – “Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me.” (139:1) What He does, through His character qualities of goodness and love, is meet our needs, wants, and desires.

But how do we romance God? We are in a more difficult position because we can’t see Him as we can the people we are in a relationship with. Fortunately, He has given us His Word to communicate to us His heart and His desires. If romance is about being known and taking what is known and acting on it, then we search His Word and look for what He desires. And what does He desire? Consider the following two passages:

“He has shown you, oh man, what is good; and what the Lord requires of you. Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly before your God.” (Micah 6:8)

“And Samuel said, ‘Has the Lord as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams.’” (1 Samuel 15:22)

How do we romance God? We spend time with Him, learn His ways, and obey Him. We submit to His authority. God romances us by pursuing us, by filling our lives with Himself, by giving us good things, and we romance God through obedience to and trust in Him. We submit to God is because He is good, because He is worthy of our trust and obedience. We gladly surrender ourselves and our way because we see and experience His grace and love. We recognize that our surrender and obedience is to Someone so good, so wonderful, so perfect, that we can be safe and know that He will lead us perfectly.

I don’t want this to appear easy, because it is not. I like doing things my way. Trusting God is hard. In fact, without Him, it is impossible. My flesh is very selfish and wants its way. But as His goodness in my life becomes more evident, I find I trust Him more, and I obey Him more. Yet that comes through surrender of myself to Him.

02/02/2010 Update - Here is the link to the previous post referenced in the second paragraph.

Increase our Faith

And the apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!" And the Lord said, "If you have faith like a mustard seed, you would say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and be planted in the sea'; and it would obey you. But which of you, having a slave plowing or tending sheep, will say to him when he has come in to the field, 'Come immediately and sit down to eat'? But will he not say to him, 'Prepare something for me to eat, and properly clothe yourself and serve me until I have eaten and drunk; and afterwards you will eat and drink'? He does not thank the slave because he did the things which were commanded, does he? So you too, when you do all the things which are commanded you, say, 'We are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done.'" (Luke 17:5-10)

This passage has always puzzled me. It seems to me that in response to the disciple's question, Christ gives a totally unrelated answer. I was meditating on a passage in Hebrews and I was brought back to this passage. What does Christ's response have to do with their question?

It finally hit me. What is Christ saying in response? He is talking about doing things. He is talking about acting. He is talking about serving. The disciples want Him to wave His hands over them and increase their faith. His response to them is to tell them that the increase of their faith comes through acting on the faith they already have.

His first example is taking action based on a mustard seed of faith. If I acted on that type of faith and saw a tree move into the sea, I would almost certainly have more faith by the end of that exercise!

His second example is similar. He talks about a slave doing what his master commanded him to do and not thinking himself special because he did so. The slave is doing what he was asked to do. The exercise of faith is doing what God asks of us. It is acting on what we believe God is asking of us. And when we act out of faith, when we do or go or serve from faith, our faith will be increased.

Faith is increased by acting on existing faith. If I want more faith, I must act on the faith that I have. The answer to the request, "Increase my faith" is… act on the faith I have.

This is the pattern I see in Scripture. Let me use Abraham for an example. He was not asked to sacrifice Isaac as his first act of faith. He was asked to move from his home. God increases our faith by asking greater and greater things of us and stretching us to depend and trust on Him. Sure, that stretching may seem impossible for us, but with Him, all things are possible.

Do I want more faith? Do I want a deeper trust and belief in God? That comes by acting on what I know about God now, what God is asking of me now. And through that action, my faith and trust in God will be deepened.

In the Fullness of Time

A phrase commonly used in the New Testament is "in the fullness of time." This phrase is used to describe God's timing in events as things happen. I want to reflect on the deeper meaning behind this phrase.

In the fullness of time means that God is in control of events.
In the fullness of time means that things will happen when they need to happen.
In the fullness of time means that God knows what He is doing.
In the fullness of time means that my God is worthy of my trust in the events of my life.
In the fullness of time means that God may seem to delay in answering prayer, but He is proceeding according to His plan, purpose, and my best.
In the fullness of time means that it is good for me to not rush things, but wait for His timing.
In the fullness of time means that it is wise for me to focus on Him and let Him fulfill the desires of my heart in His time.
In the fullness of time means that He understands my life and what I really need.
In the fullness of time means He wants to conform me to His image by building character, not giving me a quick fix.
In the fullness of time means God exists outside of time and controls time.
In the fullness of time means God is never surprised.
In the fullness of time means God's plan is complete.

Hebrews 12

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

The cloud of witnesses the author references are the ones listed in the great hall of faith found in the previous chapter. In light of these, I am told to lay aside sin and run with endurance the race Christ set before me. I picture a runner taking everything off that could possibly slow him down so he might run the race well. Take off the backpack you are wearing. Remove the chain around your feet, the ropes that tie your feet together. It seems like what the author is saying is: Let it go! Let go of whatever it is that holds you back. Is it worth the price of your freedom to continue to hold on so tightly to it? This is one of the biggest lessons Christ has taught and is teaching me. I go back to the scene in Indiana Jones where Indiana is trying to reach for the cup of Christ, almost to his death. His dad tells him, "Indiana, let it go." This is what the author is saying. Let it go. Let go of the encumbrances and sin that entangle you. Let go of the things that hold you back from running the race well. I can run better, more freely, faster, and with less weariness when I lay aside those things.

What are some lessons from this passage? I want to consider at least four.

The first step to running the race Christ has before me is to consider those who have run it before me. Learn from their successes and failures. Look for those encumbrances and sin in my life that they too struggled with and held them back. This is a critical point. Sin likes to hide. It thrives in darkness and secrecy, even from the self. Looking at the lives of this cloud of witnesses will allow me to better see the potential pitfalls and danger zones. It will help me identify those things in my life that I need to let go. What made the great men of faith trip up? What areas of my life, especially as a man, do I need to be especially on guard against?

My response to sin, to these encumbrances, is what counts. David sinned sexually, Moses was angry and hit the rock, Abraham lied twice to Pharaoh about his wife. And yet one was a man after God's own heart, one was the meekest man to ever walk the earth, and one was the friend of God. It was not that these men of faith were sinless, but they were repentant. They let it go!

The second step to running the race well is to lay aside sin – this letting go process. In looking at the testimony of this cloud of witnesses, and the state of my own life, what are those encumbrances and sin that entangle me that I have identified? It is difficult to run the race with great burdens on my back. And yet I need to make sure that in my letting go that I am laying aside my encumbrances, not looking at what I think others should be doing. It is difficult to run a race when I am looking at what everyone else is doing. I am called to repent of my sin and lay aside my encumbrances.

The third step is to run this race with endurance. This is not a 50 yard dash, but a marathon of life. I am to run it with endurance, which means I don't start off at a full sprint, but pacing myself. The diligent practice of the spiritual disciplines, the patient pursuit of God, growing in intimacy with Him, day after day, will allow me to run the race with endurance. This is not to say that passion is bad. It is a wonderful thing. When I build a fire fast-burning items are needed to light the fire properly. But it is the logs, the slower burning objects, that provide the long-lasting heat and comfort the fire gives. The pursuit of God will place those logs on my fire so that it might endure.

And fourth, we run this race with our eyes fixed on Jesus Christ. It does no good to run the wrong race. The finish line is Christ. He is where I want to be (in the presence of God) and if I am running with Him in my sights, I am running in the right direction. And I am running with Him as my encouragement. I fix my eyes on Christ with an intense force. I am to glue my eyes on Christ. Don't look around at others, look at Christ.

One encouragement in this passage is found in the words "author and perfector of faith". The author of Hebrews is saying that Christ not only designed it, but He built it! He wrote and played the song. He wrote, directed, and produced the movie. He did it all! The race can be run with endurance because it is running towards one Who has completed it and laid it out for us. Why would He give us a race we could not run? In His strength, we can!

1. Identify
2. Repent
3. Endure
4. Focus