Understanding your way

Proverbs 14:8 says: The wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way, but the folly of fools is deceit. This struck me as emphasizing the value of knowing one's self. Understanding one's way is knowing the why behind one's actions. Given the context of the first part of this verse, perhaps the second part is suggesting that the opposite (foolish) is to continue to lie to one's self. Not knowing one's self is folly. Not spending the time to understand one's way forces one to lie both to the self and to others. While that understanding takes great time and energy, it is incredibly freeing.

Healing Issues, Part 2

In the previous post, I used the terms vertical and horizontal to separate two parts of the healing process that I wanted to discuss. I think better terms for the distinction would be two dimensions and three dimensions. The previous post was on what I said was horizontal, or better said, two dimensions, and in this one, I want to discuss the vertical, or a better term for it, three dimensions.

Think of a tear on a page. One can repair the page and the page is ready for use (the repair would still be evident). Likewise, it was previously stated that healing from different wounds that the heart takes allows us to live from more of our hearts, instead of avoiding or walling off certain areas.

Think of a book now. When one takes a knife and stabs a book, more than one page has been damaged, ripped, and torn. Likewise, with the heart, wounds don’t just affect one area or “page” in the heart. These wounds affect a great many areas. Perhaps our senses of identity, self, worth, love, belonging, independence, and others. Now our heart illustration looks something like this:

I want to comment on a couple of implications from the book/page illustration.

• Healing from a deep wound is not a simple or one-time process.
• Healing in the different areas of the heart will require different ‘fixes’.

Just as more than one page of a book needs repair, so too more than one area of the heart needs healing. However, unlike a book, where we can turn all the pages and see the damage to each page, the heart is much more complex and we are not able to see the impact all at once. We must be living in those areas in order for the impact to be evident. Take for example how much more “stuff” comes up when one is in a deeply committed relationship versus being single and unattached. It is because we are engaging more areas of the heart and some of those areas will have been damaged by wounds. What we thought we had “dealt with” is back; but it isn’t back because our healing previously was insufficient; it is because a multi-layered heart has multi-layered wounds. Healing is not simple because we are damaged in more than one area, and it is not one-time because we do not live from all areas at all times. Many times the areas of the heart that are damaged most are the ones used only when one is in a certain situation. Again, relationships are a great example. Sometimes the damage taken in a previous relationship may not come to the surface until the next one.

I cannot emphasize the importance of this truth in the healing process. We exclaim in frustration, “But I’ve already dealt with this!” and we move on and fail to understand the reality of that we are wounded in many layers and maybe this is a new layer we weren’t aware was damaged until now. You’ve found another damaged page! Don’t set an expectation on yourself that just because you’ve dealt with it now that there won’t be others areas where it might come up. The impact of a wound is impossible to fully understand and know because hearts are not visible, tangible items.

Different types of pages in a book will need to be repaired in different ways. Photo pages, text pages, pages with impressions, popup pages—each of these will require different repair techniques. Likewise, we will find that different areas of the heart need different healing steps and time needs. How I went about healing in one area may not work in another. The amount of time it takes in one area may not be the same time as another. It is important to give oneself understanding and flexibility as one walks through the healing processes that apply to the different areas of the heart.

It might feel discouraging to realize that wounds are not simple or easily fixable. Yet how much more is experienced by a three dimensional object versus a two? The pains are greater, but the joys even more so. Give yourself time, flexibility, and understanding in your healing process. Recognize that it is worth it, it will take time, probably come up more than once for a specific wound, and need different healing steps.

Healing Issues

This is a two-part topic on some implications on healing decisions that one will face in life. In this first part, I want to cover part of how the heart is impacted by different approaches we take after we experience deep pain in our lives, and in the second part, I’ll address the iterative cycle of healing. This first part deals more with a horizontal view of healing; the second will deal with more of a vertical view of it.

There are a few ways we can face significant emotional pain when it occurs in life. We can:

• Leave it alone (ignore it)
• Run away from it (avoid it)
• Walk through it (face it)

A wounded heart might be shown as follows:

Here is a visual of what the heart might look like long-term when wounds are ignored:

The main problem with ignoring wounds is that they remain and still have an effect on the life. The saying that “time heals all wounds” is flawed—time is a component in healing, but it takes much more than simply time. When one ignores wounds in the heart, one lives with a heart that is still very painful in places and thus it is difficult to live whole-hearted. Those places shown above in red are places one would be very careful about stepping on, because they would elicit very painful reactions as they are unhealed. Not only that, but such unhealed wounds can grow, and become much worse.

Here is what a wounded heart of an avoidant might look like:

One big issue with avoiding wounds is that we create regions in the heart that are “off limits”. You can’t go there, and neither can anyone else. The problem is that the more wounds one takes, the smaller the heart is that is free to love and to live. When we wall off regions of our hearts due to pain, we then live even more a partial-hearted life and can never experience freedom and life as I think is intended by God.

Here is what a heart that faces wounds and walks through them into healing might look like:

The scars a wound leaves will always remain, but unhealed throbbing that we tend to ignore or run from is no longer present. We are better able to live whole-hearted—damaged, but still with the whole heart. The scars might be tender, some wounds less healed than others, some larger than others, all still having some affect in our lives. But the active pain, the “electric fence” that is erected due to avoiding pain is no longer present, as we courageously walk into and walk through those painful places and experience healing.

What I want to emphasize in all of this is that while it is painful to walk into healing and to feel the effects of wounds, it is worth it in the long run. We are able to live whole-heartedly, instead of walling places of our heart off that are “off limits”, or avoiding painful places, or being caught off guard because untouched wounds still remain. It enables us to minister from the place of woundedness, as we have walked through the pain and healing of that pain, and thus can better empathize with others in their pain and wounds. And we can live in greater freedom, not in bondage to wounds, but with the awareness of their impact, the thankfulness for their healing, and the maturity from the wisdom learned.

Dying to Self

One of the books I am currently reading is called The Road Less Travelled. This is one of the most challenging books I have ever read, primarily because the author does not beat around the bush, but is very straight forward and honest. He shares an excellent example of what it means for different parts of the self to die in order to embrace where one is at in life. In the Balancing chapter, the author recounts a story of playing chess with his 14 year old daughter who was very disciplined at going to bed by 9 PM on weekdays. She had been wanting to play for a long time and was very excited about the game. The evening wore on and it started to get close to when she wanted to go to bed so she asked her dad to hurry the game up. He thought she was a bit too rigid about her bedtime and so insisted they keep playing, because "you shouldn't start games that you can't finish." After playing for another ten minutes, his daughter burst into tears and ran upstairs. He says, "I started the evening wanting to have a happy time with my daughter. Ninety minutes later she was in tears and so angry at me she could hardly speak. What had gone wrong?.. I had botched the evening by allowing my desire to win a chess game become more important than my desire to build a relationship with my daughter… Gradually it dawned on me that my desire to win was too great and that I needed to give up some of this desire." Here is where the dying of different parts of the self comes in. What does one do with this? Do you go explain to your daughter the importance of finishing a game—which would be ridiculous, but the thing an insensitive parent who is unwilling to change would do. "I have given up part of my desire to win at games. That part of me is gone now. It died. It had to die. I killed it… When I was a child my desire to win at games served me well. As a parent, I recognized that it got in my way. So it had to go. The times have changed. To move with them I had to give it up. I do not miss it. I thought I would, but I don't." (pages 67-69)

I love the above quote, especially when he states that for a time, his desire served him well, but now, it got in the way, and it had to go. There are many things that at different points in our lives has served us well. But do they serve us well now or are they hindrances to our growth? Does your/my desire to win get in the way of enjoying other people (and they enjoying us)? Do I really need to feel that I have to have everything figured out in order to be safe—understanding that for a time, that knowledge did serve me well, but no longer does? Ultimately, the point here applies to anything in our lives that gets in the way of us becoming people who are free of our own chains. "I can't", "I have to", "I must", "I should"—these are all common, useful phrases that reflect limitations and desires that have served us well. But do they serve you and me well now?

"When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things." (1 Cor. 13:11)

Peer-Reviewed Research

This article on peer-reviewed research methods caught my eye. This quote from the article sums up the subjectivity of the claim to validity based on a "peer-reviewed" status:

Couldn't a group of individuals committed to promoting their own research -- which may or may not be well-founded -- get together to form their own "journal," which they could legitimately claim publishes "peer-reviewed research"?

They can, and they do.

Discernment

Discerning what is true can be very difficult at times. I have so many "voices" that speak when I think about my wants, needs, or desires. There are many sources of these "voices": fear, pride, masks, false selves, lies, wounds, selfishness, and the "real self". How does one discern which voice is "real"? How do I cut through all the lies, masks, falsehood, and sin and discover the "truth"? I do not mean that I am searching for some truth that applies to everyone, but finding what is really true about what I want or need. This is not an easy thing.

I am not an expert on this and in fact struggle greatly with finding my real wants and needs. I tend to overanalyze everything and in doing so, the "voices" are all clamoring to be heard and acted upon. I want to think about some practical ways that I can go about filtering through these voices to find the real me.

Pray

Ask for the Holy Spirit to guide me in discerning what is true and what is false. Ask for wisdom and strength as I dig through and sift through the voices to find what is true.

Identify what is false

What do I know is false? What have I in the past identified as false? Statements that are or have been identified as false can be discarded. In order to do so, it is helpful to create rational responses that can quickly address the falsehood. For example, there is a statement that frequently speaks that says, "You don't like to travel." My response is: "I don't like certain aspects about travel, but it does not mean I don't like the entire thing."

Talk to others

There is nothing like talking to someone else to get their point of view. So many times I find I am blind and can't see from a different angle and an outside point of view is so helpful for me to discover what I am searching for. This person is one that I trust completely and is familiar with my situation or struggle.

Write it down

Sometimes there are so many different voices that it is helpful to write it all out. I have been shocked to actually see in writing what my mind was thinking. Many times the lies and falsehood are very evident when they are seen (when brought to sunlight).

Carefully ask questions

I have learned through therapy that when trying to identify what I want or need, I ask the voices questions and keep asking to discover their source. Is the voice speaking from who I am or is it a mask? Is it what I really want, or is it only a wounded cry? In my travel example, I might ask: "Why do you make the statement you do not like travel?", "What aspects of travel do you like, if any?", "What travel experiences have been positive for you?", "Do you really dislike travel, or is there something else here -- a mask or false self that is presenting itself?", "When did your travel 'preference' change?"

Act

This is my least favorite. How can I act until I am sure? I am discovering that sometimes, I have to act on what I know now, so that I can have the new perspective on the other side of the action. I've struggled greatly with decisions before, some especially very recent, and it hasn't been until I've been on the other side that I was able to see what I could not see.

Cohabitation

Another interesting article, this one about cohabitation.

Couples who move in together before marriage have up to two times the odds of divorce, as compared with couples who marry before living together. Moreover, married couples who have lived together before exchanging vows tend to have poorer-quality marriages than couples who moved in after the wedding. Those who cohabited first report less satisfaction, more arguing, poorer communication and lower levels of commitment.

A Thief of Joy

Fear is a thief of joy. I continue to see this almost every day. Not only does it take away the enjoyment of today, but it robs you of the anticipation of tomorrow and the satisfaction of yesterday.

I've been thinking about this specifically in relation to the retreat I came back from this weekend. Leading up to the retreat, I wasn't very excited about going. I invented scenarios in my head and had gone down the road mentally of several "what ifs". So I wasn't very excited about going; if anything, I just wanted to get it over with. Now that I am back, I can look at the worries I had before going and I see that almost all of them were unnecessary. I wasted a great amount of mental energy and allowed worry and fear to steal my joy.

This applies to a great many areas in my life. One of the big areas I feel like Christ is growing me in is this area of trust and releasing fears. One of the fruits of the Spirit is joy! Without joy, life is no longer life--it turns into a repetitive emotionless search for meaning.

Choosing not to worry is not easy at all. But aren't all good things in life worth fighting for? Is not joy worth fighting for? Even the joy on the other side of difficulty, such as Christ enduring the cross for the joy set before Him, in Heb. 12:2. Don't let fear steal your joy!

I am an idiot

I was reading my brother's blog and he made a statement that caught my attention. In reference to what my dad taught us as children, he said: "I am a [huge] idiot for ever believing in all that [trash]." This is a statement I have made before, so I understand where he is coming from. I want to walk through some of the things I have learned through my healing process. Perhaps it will be beneficial to others.

In her excellent book, Becoming Real, Dr. Saltz argues that our childhood stories hold us back from becoming real, authentic, adult individuals. We create our childhood stories in order to survive and harmonize what we experience as we grow up. Let me give you an example:

• A father regularly tells his daughter to shut up when he is home.
• The daughter thinks: there something wrong with me. Here is where our childhood state limits us. We can't blame our parents because we need them. It is a terrifying thing for a child to imagine that a parent is wrong (where else will the child go?). In fact, we almost never do. Please understand that as you read this, you can see that the father is being an ass. But a child rarely will be able to see such a thing.
• Therefore, if the parent is not to blame, then the fault is: me. I am at fault, I am the problem, I am the issue. In the example of the daughter, she will feel that my opinion and words don't matter because I am not important and there is something wrong with me. I am worthless and don't have any value and that is why daddy doesn't want me to talk. It is easy to see this as faulty logic as an adult, but a child does not have such mental competence.
• The daughter will now grow up believing this, even as an adult, and will act in a manner consistent with the "story" (I am not worth being heard) she created as a child.
  

One of the purposes of counseling is to find such false stories and "re-tell" them in a manner that is true. In the process, one goes through a few stages that can be terrifying, uncomfortable, and painful. These are stages that I have been through and continue to go through as I discover stories, discover the deeper impact of already-discovered stories, and accept the truth of the newly re-told stories. These stages are not comprehensive or guaranteed to occur in the order listed.

Stage 1: I am not worth being heard because there is something wrong with me.
Stage 2: My parents were idiots and morons and I hate them. (we have identified that the fault is the dad's, not ours and then we switch our anger)
Stage 3: My parents are imperfect and probably have stories of their own they never dealt with.

Stage 1

We must identify the story and the source of the story -- why do I think this way? What was communicated to me, verbally or non-verbally, in my childhood? Who communicated it to me? What happened that caused it to be communicated to me? What am I believing about myself that may not be true? I identify the story, "Something is wrong with me", and then I identify the story's source, "Dad wouldn't listen to me." Once we have identified both, we can then check our conclusion. Just because dad wouldn't listen to me doesn't mean something is wrong with me. Maybe something is wrong with him ! And so we move to...

Stage 2

The years of anger and frustration we have aimed at ourselves comes boiling out at the people who have hurt us. All this time we have felt the fault is ours. We have discovered we were lied too, or treated horribly. The appropriate anger over this is felt and finally directed (sometimes verbally) at the culprit (and not us). Instead of feeling self-loathing, the daughter now feels anger and hurt from the words spoken to her by her dad. She is angry at him because of how he treated her as a child, and for just cause! I have said before that wounds must be felt before they can be healed. This is a very necessary and important part of the healing process. The caution here is when and if to express this to the parent. The daughter may decide not to discuss this with her dad, either because he is unavailable, or would not be receptive. What matters is that she finally identifies the person who was wrong and charges them with the wrong (by "charge" I mean ascribing fault), instead of believing that she was wrong.

Many, if not most, people get stuck before stage 1 or somewhere in stage 2. Either I am angry at myself and don't know why (or I know why and don't care), or I am angry with my parents, and stop there. It is scary to actually move beyond the wounded state and into healing. After all, a broken leg might get me more attention or care than if it were fine. I'd actually have to run the race of life a little faster if this leg were healed.

Stage 3

After accepting the story is false and feeling the anger and hurt towards the people responsible, we are then at a place where we can chose to accept the parent with their mistakes. You cannot skip from "the problem is with me" to this stage -- feeling the hurt and anger is essential to healing. Just as healing is personal, so are the decisions once the story is re-told. In my own life, I have chosen not to have contact with my dad, because he continues his destructive habits towards others. At some point, when I start to understand that I actually have value , it makes me a lot less likely to accept or even be around those who would try to deny it. But that is my choice. It is an extreme one, and likely not one you would have to make. What is important is to create boundaries in your life that are consistent with the new, truthful story. The daughter might think, " I am a person of worth and therefore what I have to say is worth hearing. Therefore, if I am interrupted or told to shut up by my dad in the future, I will gently, but firmly confront him and tell him that I am not finished or I want to talk (or arrange for a better time to talk when he will listen). If he does not respect this stance, then I will not talk to him." Our new boundaries will be met with resistance, both by ourselves and others. Our false story will keep trying to reassert itself and we will regularly have to keep reminding ourselves of its falsehood. And other people may have been spoiled to the "door mat" that we were for them that we will no longer be for them.

This is healing. This is when the person has reached a place of maturity, when a wound has been recognized, felt, and healed. This is when an adult acts as an adult, out of genuine wishes, desires, and choices, instead of wounds, false stories, and a battered self image.

Additional Thoughts

I want to emphasize again that the stages I have listed are not complete nor are they necessary in order. Healing is unique to the individual, and your healing will take a very personal route that is specific to you. The main emphasis of this post is that you are a person of value, and if you do not believe that to be true, you are acting and believing a story that is not true . It is worth identifying and seeking healing from such stories so you can live a whole life.

Flying

"A categorical refusal to fly often stems from a fundamental belief about life: the idea that "I need safety at all costs." We take a perfectly valid and functional belief, "I want to be safe," and escalate it into an unreasonable demand, "I need an absolute ironclad guarantee of safety." The trouble with this demand is that it causes you to misperceive the odds."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-20070709-000001.html

Fear Cells

I am very pleased to read of this discovery:

http://pressesc.com/01184528191_cure_for_fear

Motivation

My therapist asks a question frequently that is finally starting to sink in to my brain. When I am evaluating a choice or action I might make, what is the motivation of my heart? This question can apply to all decisions. And is it uncomfortable! I was reminded of this just now as I thought about something as simple as an email. What is the motivation of my heart in... saying this, doing this, writing this, not saying, doing, or writing this (whatever "this" may be)?

Excuses

It is critical as a young person to do what you can to experience healing and work through the issues in your life that you are aware as soon as possible. Healing is an unusual process because it can take time and doesn’t plot an exact course. It goes through high and low periods. But one can cultivate an attitude of openness to healing that will allow it to happen when the time is right. I say it is critical to work through issues while young because if they are not dealt with, they will be passed down to children and negatively effect relationship and work life.

I have identified some of my common excuses I used in order to avoid healing. I want to list these below and address them with a rational response.

I'll grow out of it over time

Wrong. Time does not heal all wounds. A broken leg will heal broken if it is not set and placed in a cast for a period of time. Wounds need attention, wounds need to be felt, wounds need to be addressed. Ignoring them or hoping they will go away will only deepen their impact as more of a false self will be built up around it.

What do I mean by this? One of my father wounds as a child was that my dad called me a coward when I refused to hit him back one evening when he was being abusive. My excuse in the past has been that over time, I'll just get over that and move on. The problem I ran into is that the person in my life I looked up to the most identified me as a coward and so over time, I began to take that to heart. I began to withdraw from various activities, people, and relationships. I began to isolate myself. I didn't see why I was doing it, just as if someone is ignoring a broken leg, they'll wonder why they can't run. Once I allowed myself to experience the range of emotions such words evoke -- hurt, anger, and finally the admission that such a statement was made from my dad's own wounded state, and thus it isn't true – I was able to start moving past those words and make progress.

I can't change/It's just the way I am

This was/is my favorite excuse. What is really true is a few things: I am lazy and don't want to change, I am afraid to change, I don't believe I can change, I don't see how I can change, and I am being arrogant and selfish by not changing. That may seem like quite a mouthful. Please don't misunderstand -- I know that many of our decisions come from being wounded and when our leg is broken, we can't imagine what a sprint is like. But, we must learn not to confuse the fact that we are not healed now as a statement that we will never be healed. Do we believe in God's power to heal us? Then if I am obedient to Him and place myself in His hands, He will heal me. It is pride/laziness/selfishness/fear that will keep me from His healing power. But such resignation is only an excuse for the deeper issues.

I don't need help

I prefer to do things by myself. I am very stubborn about this. But God made us for community and fellowship. God isn't even alone -- He exists in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! And we are made in His image to experience fellowship with people like us! You cannot experience healing alone. It just isn't possible. You need people, whether it is a therapist, close friend, small group, or family members. The first change that God made in my life was to plug me into His community, with His people, so I might have fellowship, encouragement, and strength from them. I could not have experienced any healing without the blessing that my close friends have been to me.

I don’t want to

This is also one of my favorite excuses. It’s really either I am lazy or I am afraid. Usually it is a combination of both, with the latter having much greater weight. One of the habits I learned very quickly is to act in fear by masking my true desires. It is basically killing or denying the heart’s desire. If I convince myself that I don’t really want it, then I don’t have to grow or do what is necessary to get it, to be it, to experience it. All the while fear is laughing inside because it’s not that I don’t want it (usually somewhere I am dying for it), but that I are terrified of the process. And so it hurts me in at least two ways: I deny my heart, slowly taking away my very life, and I don’t experience the growth and character development God wants in me. In a sense, I live a “double” life because I am split between the hearts core desires and the masked pretend wants.

I encourage you to think through some of the excuses you make that block your healing, if this is the case. Do you live a double life with yourself saying one thing, and then doing another? Are there situations in your life that you don’t understand why you act or react the way you do? Do you have longings and desires, but are afraid to act on them? If so, it is a pretty good indication something is there. And the longer you delay, the harder it gets. God is waiting for you!

Feelings (continued)

I've been thinking about my previous post about feelings (please read that first before reading this one) and I want to continue my thoughts on this idea of communicating feelings. When I share my feelings, I am sharing myself, but when is the appropriate time to do so?

Part of communicating ourselves to another person means that we take where they are into consideration before we do so. How close am I to this person? How close are they to me? Can I trust them if I share my feelings with them? I think I probably mess this one up the most. Those of you who know me, I am pretty verbal -- and as soon as I say it, Proverbs about a "babbling fool" pops into my head -- thanks God. Anyway, my thoughts here are that in order to be sensitive to another person and really communicate myself to them and for them to feel comfortable communicating themself with me, I need to really exercise care and seek to understand where they are in relation to me. Then I can communicate my feelings and thoughts to them at a level that is appropriate to our friendship or relationship.

That being said, there are some situations that call for an honest expression of thoughts or feelings regardless of where the other person stands. I'm not sure how to tell the difference, but I think looking at Christ gives us a pretty good idea of what that might look like. I do believe it is a man's responsibility to be the primary one to lead a relationship to emotional depth by revealing his feelings first. I think it creates an atmosphere of safety and comfort so a girl can then communicate hers. However, I am finding that there is a balance that is required in doing so. It would be silly for a man to say "I love you" on the first date. For one, I find it difficult to believe real love would occur that early.

I don't want this post to come across as seeking a formula or magic solution that will fix communication issues. Rather, it is my attempt to reveal some of my struggles and thoughts regarding my own communication discoveries and blunders. Good communication takes the other person into consideration when communcating the self.

Feelings

"To tell you my thoughts is to locate myself in a category, to tell you my feelings is to tell you about me." (John Powell, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am)

This statement is one I find so fascinating and true in my life. When I tell people what I think, I am telling them my opinion, the result of my thoughts, a very surface-level view of myself. But when I start to express my feelings, it is the revelation of the real me. Feelings are present to indicate the satisifaction or frustration of wants or needs, so when I am expressing how I feel, what I am doing is telling you my real wants and needs!

Communication is not something I am very good at and I am learning that it is very important to really listen and seek to understand what another person is saying and feeling. But even more so, it is critical that I reflect back to them my understanding of what they have communicated to me, and not in any way challenge, disagree, or make fun of their feelings. When we do so, what we are doing is attacking the person! If telling you how I feel tells you about me, then if you attack how I feel, you are attacking me.

I am really starting to see that good communication is that which, if it is thought centered, is the communication of the "category" I am in, the communication of the "category" you are in, and then seeking to understand why we each are in the "category" we are in. If communication is feelings centered, I communicate my feelings to you, you communicate your feelings to me, we reflect back to each other what we understand each other to feel, and we work (if necessary) to adjust our behavior to serve one another. In both situations, we need to be careful not to try to convince each other that "my" thoughts are feelings are right, or that your thoughts and feelings are wrong.

Many of you who read this might be thinking, "This is not how he communicates at all!" And you are right. I am a very poor communicator. I share this because it is what I am learning and struggling with, and it is something I want to improve.

Emotions

I want to share something that has been a huge awakening in my life in the last few months. It is something that I have briefly touched on previously regarding emotions, and comes from a few books I have read, one referenced before by John Powell.

Emotions are neither good nor bad. They indicate the satisfaction of wants and needs.

Dwell on that statement for a minute. Let it sink in.

Emotions are similar to a stop light. The color of the stop light is neither good nor bad. The "legality" of your action is what you do in response to the stop light's color. Driving through a red light is not a good idea! The stop light is a sign that indicates the flow of traffic and what is needed in order to conform with the flow. You can chose to pay attention to the color, or ignore it, in which case you are a danger to other drivers, and can cause an accident.

My action based on my emotion is what is positive or negative.

I am reading a book called Becoming Real which is similar in concept to some of the ideas Eldrege shares in his Wild at Heart book. The idea is that we create stories that rationalize the events that happen in our childhood in order to make sense of those events without villainizing the perpetrators of those events because we need those people. What I mean is that a child will rarely have the mental competence to think, "The action my parent just took right now was a bad choice on the part of my parent." Usually, the child will think there is something wrong with him/herself.

How does this relate to me? My dad was very vocal in his anger growing up. I can say now as an adult that his anger was completely inappropriate and wrong. But as a child, I created a story or an idea that anger was wrong! I should not feel or be angry! This is completely unrealistic, and yet I have been operating from this belief or story for quite some time, much to my own frustration. So let's take the above concept and apply it to anger, a commonly misinterpreted "wrong" emotion.

Anger is neither good nor bad. It is an indicator that my wants and needs are either satisfied or not. What want or need is being frustrated or blocked? Am I afraid (many times anger's root is fear)? What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid? What need or want is my fear covering? In this example, my dad's anger (I think) was because of fear, and the fear underneath was due to an (irrational) want/need to predict and control the future. The control concept is one of my "learned behaviors" I have been and am working on "unlearning". But that is a post for another day.

What I want to emphasize here is that instead of dismissing an emotion as silly - "I should not feel this way" - I begin a process of investigating the source of the emotion and turn it into a positive expression for my life. This may be very obvious to you, but I missed this part of training as a child. :) Do they teach this in school?

One final thought. The Bible describes God has feeling a wide range of emotions. Anger is a common emotion that He feels ("the anger of the Lord"...). Jealousy, hatred, love, tenderness, and many others are all over His Word.

To sum up what I have been saying:

1. Accurately identify the emotion
2. Identify the want or need the emotion is "speaking" from.
3. Identify if the want or need is realistic and practical (if not, is there a want or need underneath this one? See my earlier post on The Inner Desire).
4. Determine positive action steps to meet the want or need in a way that does not infringe on others wants and needs (future post on this one!).
5. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Transactional Analysis

I finished reading a book recently with a rather unusual title called, "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?" by John Powell. This was the first book I read by this author and he has quickly moved into my favorite authors list. It is an incredible book filled with great insight. I want to share something that he discusses that is actually in reference to another book called Games People Play regarding transactional analysis.

Most (I say most instead of all) people have three "voices" inside of them (called "ego states"). These are: the Parent, the Child, and the Adult. These ego states are constantly speaking to one another and determining how one feels and what one does. The Parent is the voice of your parent(s) from childhood. The Child is the one in you that is your childhood, the one that is seeking direction, and isn't sure of what to do. The Adult is the grown up (one hopes) of the Child. So what's the big deal? It is this, and this is awesome to see:

When I make a decision, the voices of the Parent and Child can conflict. Let me give you an example. Let's say that I am uncomfortable going to an event I have been invited too. The Child is the one uncomfortable. He is at an uncertain and fearful place. The Parent voice might say, "Quit being a wimp and go. Stop being afraid. It is bad to be afraid." This is where the critical role of the Adult voice comes in. Does the Adult validate the feelings of the Child and step in to defend the Child, or does the Adult simply step aside and let the Adult voice berate the Child for his feelings? In essense, do I speak up in my own defense!?!

This does not mean that I go with the wishes of the Child. I may mean that I speak to the voice of the Parent, invalidate that voice, and then gently speak to the Child voice and reassure him that it will be ok. It is the recognition that I am my own person, my own Adult now, and I can now create a new Parent voice -- the Adult voice -- in my own life that determines my path and listens to my feelings (the Child) as he gives feedback to my wants and needs.

I have found this concept incredibly helpful in the road my road to healing. When I come across situations where I am feeling lost and sense the voice of the Parent stepping in and being critical, I stop and step in with my Adult voice to shut the Parent up, and give the Child the ear and tenderness that he needs.

I haven't done the best job describing this process, so it may seems like "I hear voices". In truth, we do! What matters is not IF we hear voices, but what we do in response to those voices. Will I listen to the "voice of truth", as sung by Casting Crowns, the voice of Christ, the voice of the Adult who has chosen to follow Christ, or will I listen to the voice of condemnation, the voice of perhaps the Parent, or of Satan?

What voice do you listen too?