I've been so busy following the economic and political news that I have had very little emotional energy to write about other matters. I am hoping to spend more time writing about other things in addition to financial matters.
In The Silence of Adam, Crabb writes, "There are secrets involving specific events, memories of things others have done to us, or things we have done. There are secret internal realities: urges, interests, struggles, motives, thoughts, beliefs, or feelings that we regard as unacceptable, that we think would spoil any relationship in which they were known. Sometimes the things we hide are vague but powerful impressions, usually involving an unnamed but terrifying sense of our own despicableness, as sense that—we fear—others would confirm if given the chance." (italics his, bold mine)
In men's group we had an excellent discussion about secrets, which was the subject of a chapter in the book quoted above. I am hoping the above quote describes what kind of secrets this is in reference too. Sharing these kinds of secrets with trusted brothers or sisters can be very beneficial. I want to list a few of the benefits:
1. I experience the acceptance of others and through that acceptance, I learn to accept myself.
2. I discover that I am not alone.
3. I live in greater freedom.
4. I let go of pride.
One of the greatest benefits of being able to share with another a secret is the experience of acceptance that is tangible and real. By telling you a secret of mine and receiving your affirming love and friendship, I am better able to accept myself as I am, secret and all. I did not say "as I wish I was".
In addition, I find out that I am not alone. C.S. Lewis said that friendship begins with the statement "What? You too?" It is in isolation that our secrets can become terrifying and in community that we can discover fellowship and support from others.
By sharing secrets with another, I am able to live in greater freedom. The secret does not dominate my life, it is no longer hidden in this part of me that I can't let anyone see, but I am now in control of it, I am able to share it with those I trust, I am no longer bound to hide, mask, and lie to others.
The last benefit I want to mention here is the letting go of pride. By acknowledging my humanity to other people, I no longer have to pretend to be someone I am not—I can be who I truly am, warts and all. This gives me freedom from pride, even the false sense of it.
When might one want to share a secret with another? For one, such sharing needs to be in a confidential place, with a trusted friend. One should not share the deepest secret of one's life with a complete stranger. Is the depth of the secret to be shared appropriate for the intimacy of the friendship. Second, one should do so in a proper time and place. Doing so at a loud bar watching a football game is probably not the best place for that kind of conversation. What events are going on in the lives of the other that might provide distractions? It may not be wise to share a secret with a friend who is distracted by a layoff. Is your friend at an emotional place where he or she can provide such support?
What about for those on the receiving side of the secret? Recognize that your friend is taking a great risk by revealing him or herself to you in this way. Listen carefully to what they are sharing. Ask questions to ensure you understand what is being shared. Appreciate them for their bravery in taking off their mask. Verbalize your support and thanks. Reaffirm with them your friendship and your confidentiality. If appropriate, share similar experiences or weaknesses in return. Provide an atmosphere support, not judgment.
Are there secrets in your life that drag you down or make you feel alone and separated from people? Develop close friendships that can support the release of some of these things. I think you will find, as I have, that bringing light to dark places drives the shadows away.
