Releasing the Fantasy and Loving the Real

I didn't talk to my dad for seven years. This began a few months after I moved out of his house. It was because the few times I did talk to him in that period were so destructive and hurtful emotionally for me that it took at least a week after each for me to recover. Later, towards the end of the seven years, I was talking with a therapist about my inability to have a relationship with my dad and therefore my continued total blockage of the relationship to protect myself. He said something that really ticked me off: "Your relationship difficulties with your father are your fault."

What!?!

Now I had been in therapy long enough to know that there's gotta be more. But I was pretty ticked off. How dare he tell me that the pain that I experienced each time I saw my dad was my fault! Ok, deep breath. "Please explain."

"These difficulties are your fault because you are expecting your dad to be something he cannot be and yet you continue to approach him and expect him to do, to say, to be what he isn't and cannot be. You are old enough and have seen enough that you both know that this isn't possible and you are able to approach him with enough caution to guide the conversation and interaction around the issues and topics you know will cause you pain."

Whoah!

This changed, and I mean CHANGED, my relationship with my father. You see, before, I went to my dad with the fantasy expectation that I had of the father and son relationship that I had always pictured that we would have when I was an adult. Me, the independent son, inviting him over for beers and a good conversation about deep topics, or calling him on the phone and having an interesting discussion about current events, or asking his advice on something that I was facing. Him, the wise sage, now ready to dispense advice and yet respecting my independence, ready to listen, to offer feedback, and have good discussion that wasn't always in perfect agreement. But here's the reality of my relationship with my dad: that isn't possible. And frankly, for me to expect that of him isn't loving my dad for who he actually is, but loving some fantasy that isn't even him. Sure, it would be great to have that kind of relationship. But that's not what I've been given, it's not what I have. If I was to have any relationship with him, it had to be a real relationship that recognized and respected his limitations (even those he wouldn't recognize or accept about himself).

This has come with a lot of mourning and a lot of sadness, even today. The last two times I have seen him, I have wished for more, but I've had to accept what is, and mourn the loss of what isn't. I can't force him to be what he can't. I must see him and love him as he is. For me that means I don't get to share all of me with him, because I know there are certain ideas and opinions I have that he could not accept and it would add unnecessary pain to the relationship. It's tough to let go of the fantasy. The fantasy "feels" right.. and in a perfect world, it is! But I must accept my dad as fallen, just as I am fallen too. And turn the fullness of my desires, and sorrow, to the Perfect Father in heaven.

Discerning Truth

A few days ago I noted that I wanted to post on discerning truth. This topic has been bothering me for a while, and I wanted to share my frustration and thoughts about it.

When I say discerning truth, I mean determining what is true and what is not. We live in an information age, and we are bombarded daily with expert after expert making statements that make the truth claim. And yet with all of these can't be true at the same time, because many of them contradict each other. We have studies that suggest that gender is physical and others that suggest that gender is sociological. Which is right? Is it reasonable to expect that one of the choices must be right?

It seems to me that one needs to develop a great ability to accept change, because what is believed to be true today may not be tomorrow. At one time, the earth was thought to be the center of the solar system; now, the sun is believed to be the center. As scientific discoveries are made, some things are proven to be true, others are proven false, and still others are shown to be partially true or false.

In addition to further discoveries, this is great disagreement on what is accepted at true. One cannot prove or disprove evolution or creation. This statement might be met with much disagreement, but we simply do not have proven evidence that proves one or the other (by this I mean a definite repeatable experiment that shows that chance changed the actual species of a living organism, or that God created the world). And so great arguments arise because (at least in my view) people are arguing on different foundations. If I accept studies X, Y, and Z as true, and you accept studies A, B, and C as true, and neither of us agree with the other's accepted studies, an honest discussion is pointless, aside from debating for the fun of it.

So much of what we accept as truth is really theory, perhaps very good theory, but ultimately theory. And the basis for truth seems to change constantly because different people and groups have different standards for deciding that something is true. For example, after reading a book on the female brain, the author convinced me that gender is genetic, because I define it as a physical thing. But my basis is the sperm's chromosomes and the testosterone explosion that happens in the sixth week of gestation. Another person may define gender in terms of non-physical attributes, such as mental attitudes or leanings. Thus, an argument over gender is rather useless until some sort of common ground can be reached on what will be accepted as true.

Thus, I am left feeling very frustrated, because how is one to have an open, honest discussion? You come from your point of view and I come from mine. Until we each understand where the other is coming from and what basis the other person is coming from, what you certainly won't have is good discussion.

One final thought and I am done. It is a silly thing for Christians to demand that non-believers accept the Bible as the basis for truth. It isn't productive to begin at that place. It's like trying to sail a ship on land.

Feelings (continued)

I've been thinking about my previous post about feelings (please read that first before reading this one) and I want to continue my thoughts on this idea of communicating feelings. When I share my feelings, I am sharing myself, but when is the appropriate time to do so?

Part of communicating ourselves to another person means that we take where they are into consideration before we do so. How close am I to this person? How close are they to me? Can I trust them if I share my feelings with them? I think I probably mess this one up the most. Those of you who know me, I am pretty verbal -- and as soon as I say it, Proverbs about a "babbling fool" pops into my head -- thanks God. Anyway, my thoughts here are that in order to be sensitive to another person and really communicate myself to them and for them to feel comfortable communicating themself with me, I need to really exercise care and seek to understand where they are in relation to me. Then I can communicate my feelings and thoughts to them at a level that is appropriate to our friendship or relationship.

That being said, there are some situations that call for an honest expression of thoughts or feelings regardless of where the other person stands. I'm not sure how to tell the difference, but I think looking at Christ gives us a pretty good idea of what that might look like. I do believe it is a man's responsibility to be the primary one to lead a relationship to emotional depth by revealing his feelings first. I think it creates an atmosphere of safety and comfort so a girl can then communicate hers. However, I am finding that there is a balance that is required in doing so. It would be silly for a man to say "I love you" on the first date. For one, I find it difficult to believe real love would occur that early.

I don't want this post to come across as seeking a formula or magic solution that will fix communication issues. Rather, it is my attempt to reveal some of my struggles and thoughts regarding my own communication discoveries and blunders. Good communication takes the other person into consideration when communcating the self.

Feelings

"To tell you my thoughts is to locate myself in a category, to tell you my feelings is to tell you about me." (John Powell, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am)

This statement is one I find so fascinating and true in my life. When I tell people what I think, I am telling them my opinion, the result of my thoughts, a very surface-level view of myself. But when I start to express my feelings, it is the revelation of the real me. Feelings are present to indicate the satisifaction or frustration of wants or needs, so when I am expressing how I feel, what I am doing is telling you my real wants and needs!

Communication is not something I am very good at and I am learning that it is very important to really listen and seek to understand what another person is saying and feeling. But even more so, it is critical that I reflect back to them my understanding of what they have communicated to me, and not in any way challenge, disagree, or make fun of their feelings. When we do so, what we are doing is attacking the person! If telling you how I feel tells you about me, then if you attack how I feel, you are attacking me.

I am really starting to see that good communication is that which, if it is thought centered, is the communication of the "category" I am in, the communication of the "category" you are in, and then seeking to understand why we each are in the "category" we are in. If communication is feelings centered, I communicate my feelings to you, you communicate your feelings to me, we reflect back to each other what we understand each other to feel, and we work (if necessary) to adjust our behavior to serve one another. In both situations, we need to be careful not to try to convince each other that "my" thoughts are feelings are right, or that your thoughts and feelings are wrong.

Many of you who read this might be thinking, "This is not how he communicates at all!" And you are right. I am a very poor communicator. I share this because it is what I am learning and struggling with, and it is something I want to improve.