Feelings (continued)

I've been thinking about my previous post about feelings (please read that first before reading this one) and I want to continue my thoughts on this idea of communicating feelings. When I share my feelings, I am sharing myself, but when is the appropriate time to do so?

Part of communicating ourselves to another person means that we take where they are into consideration before we do so. How close am I to this person? How close are they to me? Can I trust them if I share my feelings with them? I think I probably mess this one up the most. Those of you who know me, I am pretty verbal -- and as soon as I say it, Proverbs about a "babbling fool" pops into my head -- thanks God. Anyway, my thoughts here are that in order to be sensitive to another person and really communicate myself to them and for them to feel comfortable communicating themself with me, I need to really exercise care and seek to understand where they are in relation to me. Then I can communicate my feelings and thoughts to them at a level that is appropriate to our friendship or relationship.

That being said, there are some situations that call for an honest expression of thoughts or feelings regardless of where the other person stands. I'm not sure how to tell the difference, but I think looking at Christ gives us a pretty good idea of what that might look like. I do believe it is a man's responsibility to be the primary one to lead a relationship to emotional depth by revealing his feelings first. I think it creates an atmosphere of safety and comfort so a girl can then communicate hers. However, I am finding that there is a balance that is required in doing so. It would be silly for a man to say "I love you" on the first date. For one, I find it difficult to believe real love would occur that early.

I don't want this post to come across as seeking a formula or magic solution that will fix communication issues. Rather, it is my attempt to reveal some of my struggles and thoughts regarding my own communication discoveries and blunders. Good communication takes the other person into consideration when communcating the self.

Feelings

"To tell you my thoughts is to locate myself in a category, to tell you my feelings is to tell you about me." (John Powell, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am)

This statement is one I find so fascinating and true in my life. When I tell people what I think, I am telling them my opinion, the result of my thoughts, a very surface-level view of myself. But when I start to express my feelings, it is the revelation of the real me. Feelings are present to indicate the satisifaction or frustration of wants or needs, so when I am expressing how I feel, what I am doing is telling you my real wants and needs!

Communication is not something I am very good at and I am learning that it is very important to really listen and seek to understand what another person is saying and feeling. But even more so, it is critical that I reflect back to them my understanding of what they have communicated to me, and not in any way challenge, disagree, or make fun of their feelings. When we do so, what we are doing is attacking the person! If telling you how I feel tells you about me, then if you attack how I feel, you are attacking me.

I am really starting to see that good communication is that which, if it is thought centered, is the communication of the "category" I am in, the communication of the "category" you are in, and then seeking to understand why we each are in the "category" we are in. If communication is feelings centered, I communicate my feelings to you, you communicate your feelings to me, we reflect back to each other what we understand each other to feel, and we work (if necessary) to adjust our behavior to serve one another. In both situations, we need to be careful not to try to convince each other that "my" thoughts are feelings are right, or that your thoughts and feelings are wrong.

Many of you who read this might be thinking, "This is not how he communicates at all!" And you are right. I am a very poor communicator. I share this because it is what I am learning and struggling with, and it is something I want to improve.

Romancing God

There are so many aspects about God that will take an eternity to discover and learn. Each day I learn more about Him through the various situations and people He places in my life. I have written in the past about God and romance and how He is romantic, and our romantic desires are a reflection of His heart. But a question occurred to me recently, and it was, how do we, as His people, romance God?

In my previous post about God and romance, I stated that romance is about being known. I believe this is one of the foundations of true romance. In human relationships, we spend time with people and we learn about them, we learn what excites them and makes them happy. And when we are romantic towards them, what we are doing is taking what we know about them and doing those things we know (or guess) will make them happy and give them joy.

So, given God’s position towards us, He is in the perfect place to be romantic towards us. He knows everything about us. Psalm 139 is a praise of God’s knowledge of us – “Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me.” (139:1) What He does, through His character qualities of goodness and love, is meet our needs, wants, and desires.

But how do we romance God? We are in a more difficult position because we can’t see Him as we can the people we are in a relationship with. Fortunately, He has given us His Word to communicate to us His heart and His desires. If romance is about being known and taking what is known and acting on it, then we search His Word and look for what He desires. And what does He desire? Consider the following two passages:

“He has shown you, oh man, what is good; and what the Lord requires of you. Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly before your God.” (Micah 6:8)

“And Samuel said, ‘Has the Lord as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams.’” (1 Samuel 15:22)

How do we romance God? We spend time with Him, learn His ways, and obey Him. We submit to His authority. God romances us by pursuing us, by filling our lives with Himself, by giving us good things, and we romance God through obedience to and trust in Him. We submit to God is because He is good, because He is worthy of our trust and obedience. We gladly surrender ourselves and our way because we see and experience His grace and love. We recognize that our surrender and obedience is to Someone so good, so wonderful, so perfect, that we can be safe and know that He will lead us perfectly.

I don’t want this to appear easy, because it is not. I like doing things my way. Trusting God is hard. In fact, without Him, it is impossible. My flesh is very selfish and wants its way. But as His goodness in my life becomes more evident, I find I trust Him more, and I obey Him more. Yet that comes through surrender of myself to Him.

02/02/2010 Update - Here is the link to the previous post referenced in the second paragraph.