Feelings

"To tell you my thoughts is to locate myself in a category, to tell you my feelings is to tell you about me." (John Powell, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am)

This statement is one I find so fascinating and true in my life. When I tell people what I think, I am telling them my opinion, the result of my thoughts, a very surface-level view of myself. But when I start to express my feelings, it is the revelation of the real me. Feelings are present to indicate the satisifaction or frustration of wants or needs, so when I am expressing how I feel, what I am doing is telling you my real wants and needs!

Communication is not something I am very good at and I am learning that it is very important to really listen and seek to understand what another person is saying and feeling. But even more so, it is critical that I reflect back to them my understanding of what they have communicated to me, and not in any way challenge, disagree, or make fun of their feelings. When we do so, what we are doing is attacking the person! If telling you how I feel tells you about me, then if you attack how I feel, you are attacking me.

I am really starting to see that good communication is that which, if it is thought centered, is the communication of the "category" I am in, the communication of the "category" you are in, and then seeking to understand why we each are in the "category" we are in. If communication is feelings centered, I communicate my feelings to you, you communicate your feelings to me, we reflect back to each other what we understand each other to feel, and we work (if necessary) to adjust our behavior to serve one another. In both situations, we need to be careful not to try to convince each other that "my" thoughts are feelings are right, or that your thoughts and feelings are wrong.

Many of you who read this might be thinking, "This is not how he communicates at all!" And you are right. I am a very poor communicator. I share this because it is what I am learning and struggling with, and it is something I want to improve.