Dating Discussion

Last night over the usual Point dinner at Red Hot and Blue a few of us ended up talking about the whole dating thing. It was an interesting discussion, but I noticed something that seems to be a common theme with most single people. It is this: singles don't know what they want.

Now, before I get jumped on for making such a statement, feel free to read on for a bit and then you can tear me apart :). What I mean by saying this is that it seems that there is such a concern for finding someone else that less time is spent being the right person. How can one know what one is looking for if one does not know who he or she is? It appears to me that the real issue in not knowing what we want is not that we don't know what it is, it is that we don't know ourselves.

I believe that the proper course of dating, should one decide to pursue that route, is to begin with the self. I think this is absolutely critical for a man because he is required to be a leader in the relationship. I wonder how many girls have been frustrated by men because the man they were with had no clue what he was doing or where he was going. We do not begin by finding someone else, we begin by being the person we are made to be. Difficult road? Certainly. Lonely at times? No doubt.

How will you know when you are at the right place? One test I might suggest is this: you know you are ready when you would rather spend the rest of your life single than be with the wrong person. And the wrong person is anyone who will require you to change the person you are. And in order to know that, it begins with you.

Forgiveness

I want to add yet another reason why it is important to acknowledge and plumb the depths of pain. This one is probably one of the most difficult, but also the most necessary. Entire books have been written on the subject, and I am only using it to add yet another reason why pain must be felt. The issue here is one of forgiveness.

No matter what the circumstance surrounding the pain, there is always someone to forgive. In death, the Person to forgive is God – not because He is spiteful or maliciously went out of His way to hurt you, but simply because feelings of doubt and explanation arise and it is normal to direct those at Him. In other situations, such as the loss of a relationship or friendship, the rejection by a group or any other circumstance that does not involve death, there usually is a much more concrete individual or individuals who will require forgiveness.

Here is the problem: unless a wound is felt to its deepest impact, it cannot be fully forgiven. Unless one is willing to admit the depth of pain and how much the loss mattered and was important, it cannot be completely forgiven. It is similar to an iceberg – it does no good for a person to estimate the size (and danger) of a large body of ice based on what is seen above water. The vast majority of it is under water. We cannot successfully steer our lives through healing and forgiveness when there is pain that has not been fully admitted and felt.

One of the many things we attempt to do (as I have mentioned earlier) is to try to minimize the importance or impact that an event or person has on our life when pain comes from them. This creates many problems – a couple I have detailed previously. Part of the healing process is to let go and to forgive the person or group of the wounds that we have received. But that cannot be done until the wound is fully acknowledged and allowed to fully hurt.

I will probably post more on the topic of forgiveness at some point in the future. I am not saying that one should not forgive until there is no more pain. At the same time, why do we try to play around with forgiveness when we have not even admitted the depth of the loss? Healing begins when an individual is honest with him or herself. At some point in the healing process, when the extent of the damage can be seen and felt, then forgiveness can begin. And forgiveness, in many cases, will only come by remembering what we have been forgiven of.

Why feel pain?

One is justified in asking what the use is of visiting the wounds of the past, especially the ones we have not dealt with. Why would I want to revisit that place of pain? I have touched on the why briefly in the previous couple of posts, but those have been more theoretical. The theory is that in order to fully live, one must have a heart fully alive; and an unhealed wound prevents the heart from being fully alive. But let’s get more practical here.

Eldredge talks about the wound in his book, Wild at Heart, and the term “Arrow” is used in Sacred Romance for the same concept. What happens is that when a wound (arrow) is taken, a message is delivered with that wound, and from that message we create a false self. This false self is generated from the message which is more often than not a lie.

Wound (Arrow) >> (delivers a) Message (that is a lie) >> (from which we create a) False Self

Have you ever wondered why you react to certain things the way you do? Do you question why your passions have shifted, or even been lost? Why am I afraid of certain things, why am I a certain way, why do I respond to a given situation with a less than desirable response? These are just a few of the questions that may be answered when one takes a journey into the wounds of the past.

We are told constantly (especially in the church) that it does no good to dwell on the past – that we must leave it behind and move forward. We should never use the present or past as an excuse to not do the things we need to do. I can see that idea applying especially to the situations where one thinks enough has been “done” for God. The important thing to realize is that one does not “do” things for God to repay Him for the gift of His Son – such repayment is not possible. However, we never “arrive” as Christians until we meet Christ following death. And that will only be through His death for us.

But, it is important to revisit the past and examine the events in our lives that have shaped us to be who we are. This is especially true with the painful events of our past. The reasons have been mentioned, but the particular one listed here is one of the most important reasons. Reexamining the wounds of the past will help identify the messages that have been delivered with those wounds, which we have believed (though they have been lies), and on which we have build a self that isn’t part of who we really were made to be.

This may seem to abstract still. One of the largest places we receive wounds from is parents (especially fathers). A father who calls his son or daughter a coward may deliver to his son a message that says “I do not believe in you. I am disappointed in you. I am ashamed to be your dad. I do not think you can ‘cut’ it in this world.” And so what does a son or daughter who receives this do? There are many responses – one may be to overcompensate for this statement and become an overachiever in an attempt to somehow “please” the father and convince him that he or she really is not a coward. One may chose to give up, accepting it as true and then living as if it were. No doubt there are many other things one does in an attempt to either cover up or accept the statement.

This should provide at least one additional reason for venturing into the wound. Most likely a father who gives such a wound has been wounded himself and he has not dealt with it appropriately. He probably believes the lie of his wound and he is compensating by attacking the image of himself that he sees in his son or daughter. That is just one that is possible off the top of my head. In order to be a better parent (if one wants to be), going to the place of pain so that one can heal is the best route to take. Healing is necessary so you can be whole and you will not inflict wounds on others, especially those you love.

I have touched on a few more concrete reasons for going to wounded places and finding healing through pain. As I think of others or better explanations, I may post further on this part of the subject of pain and healing.

The beginning

I want to continue what I mentioned earlier about pain and what was referred to as “the Arrows”. An Arrow is pain, from whatever it is we experience. What we do as a result of the Arrow will affect us not only in the short term, but for the rest of our lives.

“At some point we all face the same decision—what will we do with the Arrows we’ve known? Maybe a better way to say it is, what have they tempted us to do? However they come to us, whether through a loss we experience as abandonment or some deep violation we feel as abuse, their message is always the same: Kill your heart. Divorce it, neglect it, run from it, or indulge it with some anesthetic (our various addictions). Think of how you’ve handled the affliction that has pierced your own heart. How did the Arrows come to you? Where did they land? Are they still there? What have you done as a result?” (The Sacred Romance, Chapter 3)

I think one of the ways humans deal with pain is to distance the self from the pain. But in order to do so, we have to lie to our self. We begin to minimize the impact that it has on our life. We start to pretend that it isn’t important, that it doesn’t matter, that somehow, somewhere, we can get by without it. The problem this creates is that it does not allow the heart to heal. In order to heal, the heart must be rinsed through feeling the pain, being cleansed by tears.

If I was to break my arm, it would be foolish of me to act as if I did not need the arm and continue without seeking treatment. Certainly the processing of setting a broken bone is not a pleasant experience from what I’ve been told, but by setting the bone in its proper place, I am admitting I need the arm (and allowing it to heal properly). This is true with painful experiences as well. I must first come to the place where I admit that I need my heart to be alive in order for me to really live.

While healing may take various forms and manifest itself in different ways, it more often than not follows a general pattern. What I am interested in writing about over the upcoming weeks, perhaps months, is what this pattern looks like. Let us not kid ourselves – we will take Arrows at various times and places in our lives. That is unavoidable. We cannot live in a cocoon, attempting to control our environment and space to such an extent that no pain is possible. One could certainly take that route, but as Lewis pointed out, the possibility (and certainty) of pain also allows us to experience that beautiful thing called joy. And so what must be learned is what is the correct way, what is God’s way, of responding to pain?

Sacred Romance

Over four years ago, I was recommended the book The Sacred Romance. I read it at the time, but have little memory on how it affected me then. I have started reading it again and this time many of the things it discusses have much more meaning now. One of the early points in the book is what the authors call "the message of the arrows". This concept is the same as what Eldredge calls "the wound" in his Wild at Heart book. It brings with it the idea that throughout our lives, we are wounded by arrows, through the loss of people, through separation, through anything that brings intense pain. These wounds bring with them a message. The message shapes our outlook on life -- what we become and do. I mention this in passing, but I intend to go deeper into the implications of the arrows and the messages they contain in the near future. The self examination question for today is to ask yourself: what arrows in my life have I taken and what message(s) have they delivered to me?

Why?

I welcome comments on this post: Why do you believe in Jesus Christ? When you come up with an answer, ask why to that. And keep going, until you cannot probe any deeper. Then ask this question: does my reason for believing reveal how I relate to God?

Mourning Losses

God uses a variety of things in our lives to speak to us. One of the ways He frequently speaks to me is through movies. He has used several of them as part of the process of my healing. I was reminded of that again this weekend.

From what I have read, in a time of intense pain or loss, the mind will actually numb itself emotionally for a period of time (this is usually the case). This is because to feel the total loss all at once would be completely overwhelming and very destructive. What seems to occur is that as the numbing goes away, we are confronted with actually allowing ourselves to feel the pain or dismiss it as non existent because it wasn't completely felt when the event happened. The mistake I have made in the past has been to interpret my numbness as a lack of feeling and then dismiss any pain that occurs in the short term future from the event as ridiculous because the loss has already been "mourned" with what little emotion I had at the time.

It seems that my behavior has been very destructive to my own healing. The pain is there, the emotion is there, but it has no place to go. I suspect it starts eating the individual up inside, manifesting itself in other ways. What I am having to do, in some cases by choice and others by accident, is to allow myself to feel and mourn losses that I haven't allowed myself to feel in the past. It is acknowledging that a loss or pain matters, and matters in the deepest parts of the heart. And then allow the heart to gush in pain as it is rinsed clean through tears.

What is my point here? Allow yourself time and emotion to mourn losses and pain in your life. You may not feel the loss immediately, but it is there, is real, and will need to be felt when the time comes. Completely. Otherwise, you might be watching a movie 2.5 years after the fact and burst into tears.

Update (11-30): That being said, such a thing is good, because pain needs to be felt. It seems that feeling pain is not wishful thinking about bringing the person back. Allowing the pain to be felt is simply acknowledging that the loss mattered (as stated above). I think this is a very important thing to remember. By feeling, in whatever way that manifests itself, I am admitting that the loss of the person (through death or separation) hurts me because I loved them. The pain will not bring them back. But that is not why it is being felt. And by attempting to deny the pain, all I do is lie to myself.

Phantastes, Part IV

This is the last quote I will post from this book:

"I knew now, that it is by loving, and not by being loved, that one can come nearest the soul of another; yea, that, where two love, it is the loving of each other, and not the being beloved by each other, that originates and perfects and assures their blessedness. I knew that love gives to him that loveth, power over any soul beloved, even if that soul know him not, bringing him inwardly close to that spirit; a power that cannot be but good; for in proportion of selfishness intrudes, the love ceases, and the power which springs therefrom dies. Yet all love will, one day, meet with its return. All true love will, one day, behold its own image in the eyes of the beloved, and be humbly glad." (p. 181)

All I have is a great big sigh of satisfaction.

Phantastes, Part III

"I learned that it is better, a thousand-fold, for a proud man to fall and be humbled, than to hold up his head in his pride and fancied innocence. I learned that he that will be a hero, will barely be a man; that he that will be nothing but a doer of his work, is sure of his manhood. In nothing was my ideal lowered, or dimmed, or grown less precious; I only saw it too plainly, to set myself for a moment beside it. Indeed, my ideal soon became my life; whereas, formerly, my life had consisted in a vain attempt to behold, if not my ideal in myself, at least myself in my ideal. Now, however, I took, at first, what perhaps was a mistaken pleasure, in despising and degrading myself. Another self seemed to arise, like a white spirit of a dead man, from the dumb and trampled self of the past. Doubtless, this self must again die and be buried, and again, from its tomb, spring a winged child; but of this my history as yet bears not the record. Self will come to life even in the slaying of self; but there is ever something deeper and stronger than it, which will emerge at last from the unknown abysses of the soul: will it be as solemn gloom, burning with eyes? Or a clear morning after rain? Or a smiling child, that finds itself nowhere, and everywhere?" (p. 166)

Phantastes, Part II

Another quote from this book:

"But is it not rather that art rescues nature from the weary and sated regards of our senses, and the degrading injustice of our anxious every-day life, and, appealing to the imagination, which dwells apart, reveals nature in some degree as she really is, and as she represents herself to the eye of the child, whose every-day life, fearless and unambitious, meets the true import of the wonder-teeming world around him, and rejoices therein without questioning?" (p. 89-90)

Phantastes, Part I

I had the joy of reading Phantastes by George MacDonald a couple of months ago. I marked several places in the book that stuck out to me as noteworthy. This is the first -- the person reporting is talking about being in a library, and reading different books:

"If, for instance, it was a book of metaphysics I opened, I had scarcely read two pages before I seemed to myself to be pondering over discovered truth, and constructing the intellectual machine whereby to communicate the discovery to my fellowmen... Or if the book was one of travels, I found myself the traveler. New lands, fresh experiences, novel customs, rose around me. I walked, I discovered, I fought, I suffered, I rejoiced in my success. Was it a history? I was the chief actor therein. I suffered my own blame; I was glad in my own praise. With a fiction it was the same. Mine was the whole story. For I took the place of the character who was the most like myself, and his story was mine; until, grown weary with the life of years condensed in an hour, or arrived at my deathbed, or the end of the volume, I would awake, with a sudden bewilderment, to the consciousness of my present life, recognizing the walls and roof around me, and finding I joyed or sorrowed only in a book." (p. 75)

Isn’t that the truth about a great story told? That it transports you to another world, that for a moment, or hour, you are one with the character in the story? Time slows to a crawl (or in my case, flies by) in the midst of a novel that grips you and won’t let you go. This is the joy that stories such as Narnia hold for me – those in my childhood were moments of sheer joy and yet such longing that there are hardly words to describe them. As an adult, I recognize those longings for what they are: in part, for heaven. It is the desire for something, Someone, not of this world. A place, a Person, a God... the God.

How frequently I find myself searching for happiness in other places instead of turning to the only place it can be found. The American culture is very much like this with the abundance of advertising everywhere you look. I think that deep within us, there is the pursuit of something we aren't quite sure of. Even in the viewing of sports (not exactly my cup of tea), I wonder if one reason it is enjoyed so much is because of the victory we wish we could have. We long to be victorious.. and were made to have victory, but lost that in our fall. There are many other reasons for an enjoyment of such things, but I think underlying all of it is the desire which points to Him.

One day I will write my thoughts on design and desires and how they reveal God. Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! (1 Cor 15:57)

Philippians 3

I was reminded this morning again about the focus of being on Christ. I am seeing the value of memorizing Scripture. The times when we desperately need help are those times the Holy Spirit brings to our mind a verse, a passage, a phrase that meets our need. For me, this morning, full of discouragement, worry, and self focus, was one of those. The passage as Philippians 3, one that is written from the heart of Paul.

I love his words that he writes -- it is with such tenderness that they flowed from his pen onto paper. Paul writes about his credentials before knowing Christ -- and impressive they are. In today's terms, he would be a descendent of Washington, Jefferson, or Madison. He would have been educated at Harvard, Princeton, or Stanford. He would have worked under a cabinet member or a supreme court justice. He was on the fast track to being the next great Pharisee and teacher of the law -- in his own words, "a Hebrew of Hebrews". In our terms, he was on his way to being supreme court chief justice, or the next secretary of state.

But, his next statement reveals his heart towards Christ. "But whatever things were gain to me I count as loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." (v. 8a) How do we know this statement is true? In light of the very next thing he says… "for whom I have suffered the loss of all things." (8b) As an old man, hand perhaps trembling as this is written, eyes squinting to see in the light barely cast in his cell, Paul writes of the value of Christ, his Lord. It is personal. It is tender. It is true. It is backed by a life surrendered in the service of Christ. A life lived in that light -- the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus.

He goes on to say that those things, his family background, education, and former status -- are rubbish (I suspect 'rubbish' is the polite English translation for dung) -- in light of gaining Christ. Not only is Christ most valuable to him, but anything of gain to him belongs in the sewer -- and even more, is why a sewer exists (I threw that in). I wonder if what was brought to his mind regarding "surpassing value" was the words of Christ -- the parable of the pearl of great price -- when the finder of it sold all that he had in order to possess it (Matt. 13:44).

Now that he has gained Christ, what does Paul want? He wants to be found having a righteousness that comes by faith in Christ (v. 9), not through that which he had attained to before ("as to the righteousness which is in the law, found blameless", v.6). In light of that righteousness that comes by faith in Christ, I know him -- the power of His resurrection (and especially in Paul's case), the fellowship of His suffering (v. 10). So.. That He can one day be united with Christ (v. 11).

What does he want? "I press on to lay hold of that for which I was laid hold of by Christ." Here we find Paul's focus on the purpose of his life -- my goal is to do the very thing that Christ called me to do. I want to fulfill the purpose for which Christ called me. What a great goal. And one that took time -- we see in Galatians that Paul took three years in Arabia before beginning his ministry. I am sure that was a huge time of clarification of his purpose in preparation for this journey towards the goal.

Has Paul reached this goal at this point in his life? "Not that I have already obtained it or have become perfect" (v. 12) -- not quite yet. So what is the response? "One thing I do: I forget what lies behind and reach for what is ahead." He leaves the past behind -- the hurt, pain, and victory. What does he reach for? "I press on towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." It is this call -- the purpose that Christ called him for -- that he presses on towards.

What is my response? "Let us therefore… have this attitude." (v. 15a) I should feel the same way. What if I disagree? "If in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you." (v. 15b). If I disagree, God will "reveal" (read: discipline) that to me. And one final exhortation -- what if I am tired? "Let us keep living by that same standard to which we have attained." (v 16). Don't backtrack, don't grow lax. Keep going forward, don't take a step backwards.

What is it that I am being asked to give up for the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord? I think I know the answer to this question. The answer is fear. I wonder if the current method that I am being offered is the very one I am resisting -- the path of medication. What is it that I fear about the medication? Is it the two to six weeks of adjustment when things could get bumpy, or is it the fear of what freedom might actually mean? Am I afraid of really being free? Of being able to experience freedom in a way I have tasted and enjoyed before? And this time, the taste could be sweeter, the joy more full, since it is founded in my growth of deeper walk with Christ. Am I afraid that finally, when I do not have fear to hide behind, of having to actually do that which I avoid?

Codesmith

Codesmith rules. With a point, click, all of my stored procedures, transport classes, business objects, and data layer objects are generated. Very powerful. Right now I am using version 3.1 -- I highly recommend this for development!!! www.codesmithtools.com

Nullable Types/Generics

What was programming like without Nullable Types and Generics? What did we do before them? How could I ever go back?

Sermon

Yesterday's sermon at IBC was the best I have ever heard Pastor Andy give. Here is the link to the audio of his sermon:

http://www.irvingbible.org/resources/media/media_archive/2005/10/05-10-16_mcquitty.mp3

Our word of the week is:
Cacophony: Jarring, discordant sound; dissonanceSermon

Encouragement

Tonight Anthony shared with us a verse from Hebrews that really made me think. The verse is Hebrews 3:13, and it says: “But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called ‘today,’ lest any one of you be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”

This passage speaks to me of two things regarding sin. The first is that in its deceitfulness, it makes us feel like we have lost, and the battle is over. By encouraging one another, we remind each other that the victory has been won by Christ, but even more important, others can see in a much clearer way the growth we have experienced in our lives. It is nice to have a “second opinion”, and even better to have one on the outside. How many times have I been discouraged by the lack of growth in my own life, when people around me see so much more?

The second thing I see about this verse is that sin can sometimes appear to be very attractive, and by encouraging one another to “stay the course”, we help remind one another that the race is really worth running.

Encouragement – definitely something needed by everyone. What a blessing it was tonight.

Payment for sin

God loves us, not because we are loveable, but because He is love. I want this to be the forefront of the thought process as I touch on the following subject.

A couple of months ago, during the single’s evangelism discussion, a few questions were brought up that I did not have the answer to. I have been thinking about these and feel that perhaps an answer may be provided. The questions are in reference to salvation and how it is paid for.

The first question, why can’t I pay for my own sin? The strange part of this question is that in part it is true, if we do not accept Christ’s payment for our sin. Hell, in whatever form it will be, is a kind of payment. But I don’t think that is its purpose. But on to the question – why the need for Christ to pay for my sin?

The word “pay” in the question stands out to me. If someone owes me money, my desire to collect is based on them having something I want (or need) – something that was once mine. What is it that we have that God wants or needs? What can we offer Him that would be sufficient? The payment must be of value to the receiver and nothing I have is of value to the Creator of all things. The answer to this is in the next point.

The other difficulty comes in the attempt to pay. Since God is the Creator of all things, is it not fair to say that He owns everything? What can we offer Him that isn’t already His? It would be like a dog bringing his master a toy that the master had purchased for him. Nothing I have is really of value to God, and what I do have already belongs to Him. So I am left in quite a bind. I can’t pay because a) I do not have it and b) what I do have (namely, me) already belongs to Him.

The second question that came up was why did Christ have to die? To put the question another way, was there another way? Why was death of God in human form necessary for the salvation of man?

The short answer to this question is: it is a combination of Who God is and how the system is designed. The long answer to this question begins with an examination of God's character.

It is Christian doctrine that God is just. Yet, I suspect we have very little idea of what true justice really means. But, our internal sense of fairness provides a gauge by which we can get an idea of what this might mean. One thing that seems to be common everywhere is the idea that if a law is violated, a punishment is required. Payment is required for the crime. In its current form, the payment may come in the form of prison time, financial restitution, or even death.

The above is in reference to the law of man. It is a fair statement to suggest that the law of God has more severe consequences, and worse, eternal consequences. Justice, part of God's character, demands that a price is paid for the violation of His law. In our sin, we died spiritually. And here is the second part to the answer. Payment of sin through death is by design.

I refer you to the following verse: "and without shedding of blood there is no forgiveness [of sin]" (Hebrews 9:22). Interesting that it took one act of sin to condemn the entire human race, but only one act of righteousness to save it. (Romans 5:12-17). Lewis suggests in his atonement chapter (Mere Christianity) that the one act of righteousness can only be done by a truly righteous person… and that person would have to be God.

So what is the problem? It is this: we are already dead! How can we pay for our sin through death when we are already spiritually dead? What it required is Someone Who is truly alive, to die, in order to pay for that sin. But that Someone would not need to die. In a strange way, this ties back to the first question.

And so, in order to satisfy His justice, and yet also express His love, in light of our inability to pay what we owe, God took it upon Himself to make the payment for us. We can hardly admire a God Who would let people off. Have you ever criticized a judge for his or her less than firm judgment in a case? We rise up in our seats and cry "Not fair!! Justice must be done." And so it is with God. Might I also suggest that your sense of fairness comes from Him, because you are made in His image?

All I can say is: "but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Cor. 15:57).

I find that real honesty with another person is so completely refreshing. I think it is one of God's greatest gifts to put people in our lives who we can be real with. For a short time, to let go of the mask, and be the real person -- or at least the part of the real you that you think is the real you. I think our masks can confuse our real identity many times. But it is blessing to have depth in friendships. To know and really be known.

Gas Prices

I think this is worth reading, considering the recent jump in gas prices...

http://www.townhall.com/columnists/walterwilliams/ww20050831.shtml

Draw Back

From Thomas Wilder's "The Angel That Troubled the Waters"...

A physician suffering from melancholy comes to the pool (John 5:1-4) in this fictional story to be healed. The angel tells him to draw back, that the healing is not for him.

"Without your wounds where would your power be? It is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men and women. The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve. Physician, draw back."

It brings to mind another verse in the Bible... "For by His wounds, we are healed." (Is. 53:5)

Majesty

Majesty (Here I Am), by Delirious

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Oh the deep deep love of Jesus!

I awake this morning, albeit a bit early, to thoughts about the love of God. I have often passed over without a second thought the three words, "God loves me".

• The love of God is real.

About a month ago I started reading through the gospels with a focus on finding Who Christ is. I tend to be a schedule-driven person, but threw out my usual "read in a year" or a "chapter a day" focus. I am not even halfway through Matthew and the Person I am seeing is one Who is touching my heart in His actions, Who He is. I am stopped by such simple words as "and He was filled with compassion". Those words are always in reference to pain or need. What touches me is that they apply to my life and yours. Do I picture my own moments of pain as "filling Christ's heart with compassion for me"?

What if, and I am not trying to justify pain or its meaning, but what if our pain exists in part to open wide His heart, but more importantly, ours, to the wonder and reality of His love for us? I find myself so closed sometimes and those times of real honesty in a moment of pain cause the gates to open, the walls to fall down, and allows God to break through.

• The love of God is transforming.

It seems that people who are love one another change. There almost is a glow about them that radiates from the love they have for one another. Love that is right will find each person better as time goes on. That change is but a reflection of how God's love can change me and you. "We love because He first loved us." If I am to love people, it is through the love of God that I can do so.

• The love of God reflects Who He is.

I am convinced, and I will post more on this in the future, that things exist to reflect the character of God. Creation shows us the power, personality, and creativity of God. "In Him was life" -- can we deny this after looking at how alive creation is? There are so many things that one can stop and meditate on that could take forever because they reveal so much of Him.

I wanted to post a song that has been running through my head. It is an older hymn, but it has such meaning. It's picture is one I find appropriate -- that His love is like an ocean rolling, over, under. It is enveloping. It is all powerful. And it is sustaining (we all need water to live). Oh what wonderful words!

Oh the deep deep love of Jesus!
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fulness over me.
Underneath me, all around me,
Is the current of thy love;
Leading onward, leading homeward,
To my glorious rest above.

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus!
Spread His praise from shore to shore,
How he loveth, ever loveth,
Changeth never, nevermore;
How He watcheth o’er His loved ones,
Died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth,
Watcheth o’er them from the throne.

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus!
Love of every love the best;
‘Tis an ocean vast of blessing,
‘Tis a haven sweet of rest.
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus!
‘Tis a heaven of heavens to me;
And it lifts me up to glory,
For it lifts me up to thee.

Biztalk 2006 Beta 1 Install

I have successfully installed the Beta 1 of Biztalk 2006 on the Beta 2 SQL 2005 April release. The install went smoothly; here are the steps I followed (all this was done in a VPC image):

1. Install Windows 2003 with SP1 (you can also install W2k3 and then run the SP1 patch on it).
2. Install all critical updates.
3. Added the Application Server role to the server (make sure to remove Frontpage 2002 extensions since WSS will not run with those installed)
4. Install SQL Server 2000 Client Tools only (this is per the install instructions, comments state it is a beta 1 issue only).
5. Fully installed of SQL 2005 April CTP.
6. Installed Office 2003 (Word, Excel, InfoPath -- added .NET programmability on all components and under Office Tools, .NET 2.0 support).
7. Update Office 2003 with latest updates at http://officeupdate.microsoft.com/
8. Installed Visual Studio .NET 2.0 Beta 2, uncheck SQL 2005 Express
9. Installed WSS with the SP1 found at http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkId=47398.
10. Installed SP2 of WSS that should be downloaded as well (from the beta place).
11. Downloaded the Biztalk CAB file for any requirements I may have missed (found at http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkId=45440)
12. Install Biztalk following install instructions -- no errors.
13. Ran the configuration utility, set it to run on the Admin account (yeah, not smart) -- Sharepoint configuration error came up because .NET 2.0 was not installed on the default website.
14. Run aspnet_regiis -i from the command prompt in .NET 2.0.
15. Reran the configuration for just the Sharepoint part -- it worked.
16. I still need to configure BAM, but it appears it will be fine -- just need to put in the account in 3 places and it will be set up as well.

Very straight-forward install, just follow the instructions that accompany the document and it should go without a hitch.

Beauty

I enjoy various genres of movies and one such genre is the type that the movie Anne of Green Gables fits into. I am not interested here in trying to justify such a liking, but rather to meditate on one reason why I think perhaps I have an enjoyment of such movies.

Lewis suggests that the existence of longings or desires means there is something out there that will satisfy those desires. We were not made for sin, for the humanity in which we are bound. We were made for good, for beauty, for the perfection that existed before the fall. Pictures that give us little tastes of that perfection, be they movies, books, nature, or other forms, remind us that we are not of this place, that this world is not home. Gire calls those pictures “windows of the soul”. Lewis writes:

"We do not merely want to see beauty... We want something else which can hardly be put into words -- to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it. That is why we have peopled air and earth and water with gods and goddesses and nymphs and elves." (CS Lewis, Till We Have Faces)

Why like such things? Because it is the heart’s longing for home.

Diary of an Old Soul, July 27th

MacDonald writes in his July 27th entry of Diary of an Old Soul:

Oh, let me live in thy realities,
Nor substitute my notions for thy facts,
Notion with notion making leagues and pacts;
They are to truth but as dream-deeds to acts,
And questioned, make me doubt of everything.
"Oh Lord, my God," my heart gets up and cries,
"Come thy own self, and with thee my faith bring."

Rascal Flatts

Rascal Flatts sings in the chorus of one of my favorite country songs:

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

While the song is primarily about finding his true love, today somehow they spoke to me a different way. And I wasn't even listening to the song, though I am now. Read the lyrics to the chorus above.

Now put yourself in the place of singing this song to Christ. Could it be that our pain, sadness, broken hearts and dreams, have led us straight to Him? "God speaks to us in our pleasures but He shouts to us in our pain," Lewis writes in his book The Problem of Pain. Next time you hear the song, sing it to Him.

Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
(It shall be when these signs come to you, do for yourself what the occasion requires, for God is with you. (1 Samuel 10:9))

Chorus
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
(Yet it is I who taught Ephraim to walk, I took them in My arms; But they did not know that I healed them. (Hosea 11:3))
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
(The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. (Psalm 51:17))
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
(For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. (Hebrews 4:15))
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
(Declaring the end from the beginning, And from ancient times things which have not been done, Saying, ' My purpose will be established, And I will accomplish all My good pleasure'. (Isaiah 46:10))

Understanding/Acceptance

“You can love completely without complete understanding,” writes Ken Gire in one of my favorite books, Windows of the Soul. And thus he makes note of a great difference that I know in my own life I struggle with. It is the difference between acceptance and understanding.

Have you ever noticed that the older you get, the more you realize how much you don’t know? It happens over the natural course of our lives – as we grow as individuals, we begin to see just how large the body of knowledge is in the universe and can only start to comprehend just how little we actually do know.

In the same way, God is an infinite God, whose ways are higher than mine, and whose thoughts are way above my own. He is sovereign, that is, He does what He wants without a conference call, board meeting, or stockholder approval. In one sense I look at that and feel a small amount of unfairness, but I think a realization of God’s complete sovereignty over everything will breed a life of peace, hope, and comfort.

There are many actions that God takes that I will never understand completely. But God has not asked me to understand why He runs the universe the way He does. In fact, I think such knowledge of that ‘why’ is beyond our comprehension. For example, we all believe in grace. Yet I think very few people can claim to really understand it. That is because by definition grace is ‘unmerited/undeserved favor’. In its nature, it does not make sense. It defies the ordinary, confounds what is logical, and confuses the strict.

Why does God create people knowing they will stray from Him, in effect, ensuring the certainty of an eternity in hell? This may be a question to which the answer is not understandable in my present frame of mind. Only as I begin to understand how small and insignificant I am in comparison to God will I start to comprehend the question of His authority in my life, and in the lives of everyone else.

A teacher desires to teach his or her children knowledge of subjects: math, elements of science, reading, writing, and many other useful things we require as adults. Yet the question can be posed: why does a teacher impart knowledge to his or her students knowing that some may use that knowledge for evil?

Solomon in Proverbs writes that the beginning of wisdom is to acquire wisdom. It is in the realization of what I do not know that I can only begin to learn. I don’t think we should ever give up seeking knowledge and understanding. We are to get wisdom, and with our getting, get understanding.

I don’t what to confuse what understanding is. I think that understanding may be more of what God would do in a given situation. It may be less of why God does what He does as He runs the universe. As opportunities arise in my life, the growth in and knowledge of God will allow me to make the right decisions – to do what He wants from me because I will know His heart, His mind, and His will.

The question is commonly asked: how can a loving God send people to hell? Perhaps the real question is: how can a righteous, just, and holy God send anyone to heaven? As I ask my questions to gain a further understanding of who God is, do I keep the completeness of His person in focus? It is wonderful to know that God is love; it is a scary thing to know that God is righteous, holy, and just. “It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God” Scripture says (Heb 10:31), and how true it is. And yet it also says “Let us fall into the hand of the Lord for His mercies are great” in Second Samuel 24:14. On the one hand, God is just, and how scary it is to fall into the hands of a just God. On the other hand (as Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof would say), the hands of a merciful God is where I want to be.

Peace with God

Romans 5:1 tells me that "Therefore having been justified by faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." What a deep verse. Through the price that Christ paid on the Cross (the "satisfaction" or propitiation of my sin), I can be justified (receive the righteousness of Christ) by faith and have peace (YES, PEACE!) with God. C.S. Lewis writes that in his opinion faith is more of ensuring stability in your reasoning -- your emotions and mind will wander to and fro, but it is faith that provides the firm rock on which to remind oneself of what is true. Perhaps that is really what faith is -- how can I have peace with God, receive Christ's righteousness, and have my sin covered? It certainly looks terribly improbable, but praise be to God that it is true. "And we know that the Son of God has come, and has given us understanding, in order that we might know Him who is true, and we are in Him who is true, in His Son, Jesus Christ." (1 John 5:20)

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ." (Eph 1:3) It is truly a good day.

What IS Right?

At church on Sunday there was a comment made about how there might be much disagreement even in our small group about different issues, such as dancing, drinking, and the like. The issue specifically raised was one of dancing, with the individual commenting that dancing was an activity engaged in on a somewhat frequent basis. There was concern that some people might find that wrong.

It disturbs me that Christianity has received such a “bad rap” that one would be hesitant to be open about listening to what is true about such things. While the Bible does not address every single circumstance one might come across in life, it certainly provides a framework for determining what is right and wrong, good and bad, wise and stupid. I’d like to reflect for a moment on what part of that framework might be, in the absence of clear guidance.

For example, the Bible is clear that being drunk is not a wise choice, or better stated, wrong. But it is not specific on when to drink or how much (except to the amount of being drunk). So the following list that I posted here is for those things that aren't clear -- and I think the Bible is clear in many situations.

The pattern that I see in Scripture that assists us in making right choices seems to be based on SOME of the following criteria (by NO means comprehensive -- just some random thoughts):

- Does this action hurt or cause others to stumble?
- Does this action bring me under its power (am I addicted or “hooked”)? (or put another way, does it feed the flesh?)
- Does this action bring glory to God?

Paul mentions in Romans that if eating meat causes his brother to stumble, he will never eat meat again. I think in the presence of those whose convictions might be a little narrower, it is wise for an individual to temper his or her actions with what he or she knows those people are comfortable with. If I am with someone who considers eating or drinking a certain thing a ‘sin’ or wrong for them, then better for me to not do so than to cause them to stumble. (Romans 14)

Paul also mentions in Corinthians about “all things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.” God spent a great deal of effort and pain to set us free from sin – and anything that brings us into bondage to itself reduces the freedom that we have in Christ. Is what I am doing feeding that side that I have been set free from? For example, seeing an R-rated movie with a few steamy scenes might be ok for some, but how is it good for my mind – how can I think thoughts that are pure, honorable, right, and lovely (Phil 4:8) by seeing that?

And finally, Paul again writes that whatever we do, do for the glory of God. David danced before the Lord with all his might, because he loved God and was rejoicing in the return of the ark. What are my motivations for what I do – am I doing them for selfish reasons, or because I want to honor/glorify God?

So my response to the individual would be – it depends. If God came down and asked you to stop dancing, would you be willing to give it up? If you are with a group of people, one or more who think dancing is questionable, would you be willing to not dance that evening? And when you dance, are you doing so in a God-honoring (and respectful) manner? If so, then dance your heart out!

Forrest Gump

Last weekend some friends came over and we had our usual discussion on what movie to watch. One of the options was Forrest Gump. While this was not the final movie chosen, my mind has wandered back several times this week to that movie, one of my favorites.

I remember being told by my earthly dad that after seeing the movie, he went out and wept. I found that surprising, for he was rarely one to admit or show that particular emotion. I have thought a lot about what it was in that movie that made him weep and, while this isn’t the primary purpose of my post, I think the reason was because Gump just by being himself made such an impact. I think there is a desire there in his heart to do something “big” for God and I think it pained him to see a story about one who just by being a genuine person was so huge.

How sad that makes me, for I don’t think God is about being “big” or how much of an impact we have on this earth. For Him, I think it about cause, rather than effect. What are the motives of my heart? God would rather me reach out in His love to one person than preach a sermon of judgment where hundreds of consciences are pricked. The least in the kingdom will be the greatest, Christ taught. The small, insignificant things I do just might be mountains in God’s eyes. And those big things I am so proud of probably don’t mean much to Him. I am saddened because the very thing he yearns for he already has, he just can’t accept it.

For me, and I think for so many others, the main reason the movie made such a powerful impression and why we love it so much is because it is the picture of unconditional love. After seeing the movie, I too wept, but not because of the impact Forrest made. What I yearned for was that kind of love, the unconditional love and acceptance. And I find myself walking in the same shoes as my earthly father – yearning for something I already have. Because unconditional love is found in my Heavenly Father.

Perhaps one of the mistakes we make, I know I do, is to try to picture God’s love like the love I experience here on earth. That picture cannot be any further from the truth! How often I forget that God who cannot be measured, who made a universe that still is not measured, must also have a love that is not measurable. How often the scripture talks about God’s love and how many times I glance over it with a “that’s nice” thought.

Do I find myself refusing His love like Jenny: “You don’t want to marry me”, “You can’t keep trying to rescue me”? We watch in the movie as Jenny searches high and low for something, someone who will accept and love her and will make her happy, and it is right in front of her the entire time! How happy (and tearful) was I when finally she surrendered to his love:

Jenny: “Why are you so good to me?”
Forrest “You’re my girl.”
Jenny: “I’ll always be your girl.”

Why is God so good to me, so good to you? Because I’m His boy and you’re His boy or girl – and you’ll always be His. How difficult it is to surrender to unconditional love because it is so hard to unconditionally accept it. Just as Forrest loved Jenny because of who he was, so God loves you and I because of who He is.

I find in my own life that it is difficult to accept God’s unconditional love for me because I don’t love other people unconditionally. I judge God’s love in the light of my own – and how shallow I am! I think the real truth is – only as we surrender to God’s unconditional love are we ever able to start loving other people unconditionally. In first John, it is written that “We love because He first loved us.” I can respond in love to Him and others only because He made the first move, He first loved me and you.

Last night I was reading the daily Oswald Chambers “Utmost for His Highest” commentary for May 18th. He pointed out a fact that I know in my life I miss so much of the time.

He stated that so many times a person wants to grow in their Christian walk, that he or she wants to be a better person. I find so often that my focus becomes that – how can I grow in my walk with Christ; what can I do to improve myself? His comment was that our focus should not be growth – our focus should be Christ. Growth will occur as I get my eyes off myself, and fix them on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1).

I think this is one of the keys to the Christian walk – what better person to focus on than the Person who is the perfect standard? Rather than focusing on 'being better', why not focus the one Who already is? My walk then moves from the earthly things to the person of Christ. From the ‘what’ to the ‘Who’.

Peace

I wake up on this cool, overcast Sunday morning with my thoughts turning towards a fruit of the Spirit that I so rarely take hold of. It is the subject of peace that I want to focus on for my first entry here.

In Christ’s own words, He told His disciples and us: “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you.” In prior books of Scripture, it is stated that “Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is staid on Thee.” Paul writes that “the peace of God…shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

What is peace? Certainly it would not be fair or true to call peace ‘the absence of trouble’, for Christians would be the laughingstock of the earth if that were a correct statement. Neither is this topic of peace referring to the lack of war, conflict, or strain between nations, tribes, or individual people.

Rather, I think that the peace that Christ and the writers of Scripture refer to is the calm, quiet assurance that my God is in complete control of the universe and my life. It seems to me that peace rests firmly in this truth – the sufficiency and sovereignty of Christ.

The writers of the New Testament have penned words such as “My God shall supply all your needs…”, “All things work together for the good of those who love God”, and “be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, let your request be made known to God.” Time and time again in the last couple of months, I have been reminded and humbled by His provision in my life.

And yet it seems there is a missing connection between my mind and heart. For my mind is well aware of the truth of Christ’s control of the universe, His ability to meet my needs, His love and care for me. But too often I find myself doubting or worrying about something so small, so insignificant, so ridiculous. J.I. Packard suggests in his book “Knowing God” that as we get to know God and how sovereign He is, our problems begin to fade in their importance.

My God created the universe – the galaxies, planets, stars. He created the world that I live in, setting the sun and moon into patterns that support life on the planet I live. The living conditions here are exactly perfect for my needs – the amount of oxygen in the air, atmospheric pressure, and too many others to list. And He knows when a sparrow falls to the ground – something so much smaller than me. I can and should rest in His sufficiency in my life. For peace lies, not in the absence of turmoil or the lack of trouble, but in knowing God, in following Him, and in fixing my eyes on Christ.

The peaceful place - and best place for that matter - at the present moment is right where God wants me to be.