How do I feel about turning 30?
I think back to when I was turning 20 and how many plans I had made for my life then. I thought I had things figured out -- when I was getting married, how long to be married before having kids, what I would do for work, where I would work, where I would travel too and the friends I would keep and stay in close touch with, and on the list could go. I thought I knew myself and the world pretty well and was very firm and dogmatic in my beliefs, opinions, and attitudes. None of my plans have come to pass as I thought they would and some of the things I thought I had to have by a certain time didn't happen. And praise God for His grace in protecting me from my immaturity and my plans! His plans have been so much better!
I sit back and look at where God has me now in life and there are several things that are so refreshing. After seeing my plans fail or change, I usually don't make tightly-held ones. Solomon says in Proverbs 16:9 that "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Lesson 1 from the last 10 years: hold onto your plans loosely. Be flexible.
My natural tendency to be extremely black and white, dogmatic, and inflexible has been significantly broken. There is still a ton of work that is needed in this area, but it is so refreshing to have the freedom to admit and accept doubt, to ask hard questions to which there may not be answers (at least right now), and consider other points of view. Rather than growing more certain about more things, I've grown less certain about many things, don't care as much about others (as I've seen they don't really matter), and on fewer things, I am more certain. Lesson 2: Be willing to embrace doubt and questions and uncertainty.
Another tendency I have is to give into fear and this has been a blockade in my life. Many times fear can influence desires, to the point that desires are modified or denied because at the root there is fear, not because "it just is who I am." I could spend an entire book on this point, but the lesson might be lost. Lesson 3: face fears, embrace desires, and pursue life.
I've also learned that life contains a lot of pain and disappointment and that it is important to mourn and hurt when that pain comes, instead of trying to bottle it up or pretend that it isn't there. Too often I've tried to dismiss situations that have been really sad, or give myself only a certain amount of time to get past something, instead of allowing my emotions to flow and let healing take place naturally. Christ is with us in all of our pain, not only the experience of it, but also the feeling of it. Lesson 4: Acknowledge and feel pain and invite Christ into it.
As I learn more about who I am, it is refreshing to be who I am. Not what other people want me to be, but to be me (I posted a poem last week about this). I still have a lot of work in this area, as depending on the person and situation I adjust my behavior or worry about how I might be perceived. Some of this is good: one certainly ought to be much more polite and cautious in what one says in the midst of a very formal group at dinner versus surrounded by best friends at home over a beer. It is rather challenging to determine the difference in being oneself versus being respectful to others. I think it goes back to what Paul talks about in Romans regarding not causing a brother or sister to stumble. And the line is certainly not fixed! Lesson 5: be yourself.
And finally, I've learned that growth never stops. Ever. You may be growing in a positive or negative direction, but you are growing. Even being stationary is growing -- perhaps in laziness. Pursue excellence and growth; there are so many resources over the years that God has used to change me. I used to think the answers were only found in the Bible -- now I see that truth is everywhere and should be evaluated in light of the Bible. The goal for growth is not growth: it is to be Christ-like. In reading self-improvement books on improving listening skills or on releasing a habits of perfectionism, one can use the resources available today to grow and stretch and become like Christ. That's the greatness of God -- He uses anything and everything if we let Him and make ourselves available to Him. Lesson 6: Pursue Christ-likeness with passion and an openness to change.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Unforgiving Servant
A man who is so deep in debt,
The notes his master still has kept
What man does owe cannot be paid
It is his fault, a mess he's made.
The master calls, the note is due,
Summon the man, all he has too.
The time is up, it's time to pay,
The note came due, on this today.
The man he comes before the throne,
Falls on his knees, he cries and moans.
I cannot pay, please spare my life,
My children too and also wife.
The master sees the man before,
Fallen prostrate on marble floor.
Compassion feels and full of grace,
He steps forward and lifts mans face.
Cancel the debt, this what I'll do,
I'll set you free, your life made new.
You go and live, now free and well,
Show grace to all, your life must tell.
The man does leave, with happy heart,
He feels he has a brand new start.
And bumps into one who owes him,
A small amount, tiny and thin.
Pay what you owe, now I demand!
The other falls on dusty sand.
I cannot pay, please spare my life,
My children too, and also wife.
The man has him thrown into jail,
No payment made, now he did rail.
The master's servants saw and went,
Back to the throne, in shock and spent.
The master rages, just how could he
Not give same grace, that he received.
Bring him again, and throw him down
He'll pay until what's owed is found.
How much like man I tend to be,
Is what this story helps me see.
Oh Christ, my heart so full of sin,
Come wash and cleanse and enter in.
The notes his master still has kept
What man does owe cannot be paid
It is his fault, a mess he's made.
The master calls, the note is due,
Summon the man, all he has too.
The time is up, it's time to pay,
The note came due, on this today.
The man he comes before the throne,
Falls on his knees, he cries and moans.
I cannot pay, please spare my life,
My children too and also wife.
The master sees the man before,
Fallen prostrate on marble floor.
Compassion feels and full of grace,
He steps forward and lifts mans face.
Cancel the debt, this what I'll do,
I'll set you free, your life made new.
You go and live, now free and well,
Show grace to all, your life must tell.
The man does leave, with happy heart,
He feels he has a brand new start.
And bumps into one who owes him,
A small amount, tiny and thin.
Pay what you owe, now I demand!
The other falls on dusty sand.
I cannot pay, please spare my life,
My children too, and also wife.
The man has him thrown into jail,
No payment made, now he did rail.
The master's servants saw and went,
Back to the throne, in shock and spent.
The master rages, just how could he
Not give same grace, that he received.
Bring him again, and throw him down
He'll pay until what's owed is found.
How much like man I tend to be,
Is what this story helps me see.
Oh Christ, my heart so full of sin,
Come wash and cleanse and enter in.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Learning Relational Lessons
So being in pain is really a great way to learn some great lessons. As I'm going through the hurt of a break up, this morning I felt like God showed me two areas that were eye-opening.
Respect is incredibly important in relationships. But you have to be someone who can be respected. It's hard (almost impossible) to respect a door mat. I've been realizing that my fear of losing someone at times prevents me from standing up for myself. In fact, many times I just roll over and go with it -- and how can one respect and ultimately love that? I feel like I have a pretty good knowledge of myself and who I am, but there seems to be insecurities relationally that make me more guarded and willing to put up with disrespect instead of speaking up for myself. I feel like even these are starting to be identified and brought to light.
The other thing I've discovered, closely related to the fear above, is that I tend to avoid fighting. I did not like the way my parents fought when I was a kid and so I created a story that said "fighting in a relationship is bad" and "avoid it at all costs". But to do so, you end up short-changing yourself because you aren't presenting an accurate picture of who you are -- your thoughts, your opinions, your attitudes, your beliefs. Not only that, but some fighting and disagreement is good. It adds some passion and feelings in a relationship and challenges you and grows you together. Simply agreeing with everything said or not saying anything makes things rather boring, lifeless, and dull. I'm afraid that if I argue or disagree, that it will turn out like what I saw so poorly modeled, and thus avoided it. But I don't have to be like my parents (and am already in many ways not like them); I can be me, and take the lessons I've observed and learned and discuss and disagree and even fight in a respectful way.
I am so thankful that God is opening my eyes to these things and it is wonderful to finally have light shined in some dusty and dark places!
Respect is incredibly important in relationships. But you have to be someone who can be respected. It's hard (almost impossible) to respect a door mat. I've been realizing that my fear of losing someone at times prevents me from standing up for myself. In fact, many times I just roll over and go with it -- and how can one respect and ultimately love that? I feel like I have a pretty good knowledge of myself and who I am, but there seems to be insecurities relationally that make me more guarded and willing to put up with disrespect instead of speaking up for myself. I feel like even these are starting to be identified and brought to light.
The other thing I've discovered, closely related to the fear above, is that I tend to avoid fighting. I did not like the way my parents fought when I was a kid and so I created a story that said "fighting in a relationship is bad" and "avoid it at all costs". But to do so, you end up short-changing yourself because you aren't presenting an accurate picture of who you are -- your thoughts, your opinions, your attitudes, your beliefs. Not only that, but some fighting and disagreement is good. It adds some passion and feelings in a relationship and challenges you and grows you together. Simply agreeing with everything said or not saying anything makes things rather boring, lifeless, and dull. I'm afraid that if I argue or disagree, that it will turn out like what I saw so poorly modeled, and thus avoided it. But I don't have to be like my parents (and am already in many ways not like them); I can be me, and take the lessons I've observed and learned and discuss and disagree and even fight in a respectful way.
I am so thankful that God is opening my eyes to these things and it is wonderful to finally have light shined in some dusty and dark places!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Pain
I've been having a rough time lately both in my personal and work life -- feeling a bit overwhelmed with several things that are happening at the same time. I'm in the middle of transitioning out of my current job to leave for a new company, working through some internal team conflict, going through a break up, and feeling sad and disappointed about things. I wanted to share a few lessons that I am learning yet again that might be helpful to you.
One of the big things that going through therapy taught me is not to hide, mask, or push away pain. When it comes, embrace it fully, feel it to its depth, and do what needs to be done -- cry, journal, pray, talk to people. When we try to mask our pain, or deny that it is there, all we do is hurt ourselves more deeply and push the feeling of the pain away. We can't be healed if we don't feel pain. The ache of a hurting heart, the shedding of tears, is like rain that washes away the dirt, grime, and oil. It helps the heart to really feel and hurt and acknowledge loss or difficulty. In some past hurts, I've only allowed myself to hurt to a certain extent, or length of time, or even try not to hurt at all. All I did was delay the pain to another day, when it was even more painful to feel it and heal. Kind of like a broken bone. It has to be set and put in a cast to heal. Otherwise, it doesn't actually heal and you end up crippled. To fix that, you have to break it again and set it right.
Another thing I am learning, and this from one of my roommates, is to invite Jesus into the area of pain. Not for the purpose of taking it away, but for the purpose of walking with me through the pain. This has changed my prayer life in what I pray for as I feel pain. Jesus felt the full pain of the cross, the rejection of His Father, and the weight of the sin of the world on his shoulders. He is "a man of sorrows, [well] acquainted with grief". I don't think that God always takes away our pain immediately and directly (although He can and probably does sometimes); instead He walks with us through our pain and into healing. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." I think this is because God is not primarily after our healing, He is after our transformation. He doesn't want us simply 'fixed', He wants us recreated and made into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ. And pain is a megaphone that God uses to change us. C.S. Lewis writes that God shouts at us in our pain. He has my attention as I hurt and ache and struggle.
I've also learned to let go in the pain and to be transformed and changed. Again, God wants to transform me, not simply to "fix" me. If I allow Him and surrender to Him in the pain, He will change my heart. It has been one of my prayers the last few days -- that I would listen, that I would learn, and that I would be changed. I don't want to run or hide or avoid it, as much as it hurts. And He is teaching me to give up my demands, to cry out to Him, and to ruthlessly trust Him. I wish I could say I've done this well or am doing it well. Thankfully He is gracious and understands my weakness. He knows my heart and knows my desires.
I'm also learning to see self-protective habits and patterns that have been created, "wells" that I have dug for water, when Jesus is the source of living water. Larry Crabb in his book Inside Out talks a lot about this and our table group at church has been going through this book. I didn't think I'd get to really deeply apply some of what he suggested so soon, but it seems God had others plans for me! I run to these wells, perhaps letting fear hold me back, perhaps my job or money, perhaps selfishness or pride, instead of coming authentically and in brokenness before Christ and letting Him wash me with His water and His love. God reveals these wells to me and lovingly shows me how insufficient they are and how He is sufficient.
Being in pain helps in empathizing with the pain of others. Pain can generate a hardened or a softened heart. I can either build walls or I can let my heart remain open and tender as it is loved by Jesus. And in that love, I can feel and love others more deeply. I can pray for and support them in their pain. And I can share the love of Christ that has been shown in my pain with them.
And finally, how incredibly valuable and priceless are close friends! Knowing that I am prayed for, receiving encouragement from friends, having people to talk to, is helpful beyond what words can express. I'm not alone. You are not alone. People who love and support, those who are present and available, are such a huge help. Where would Israel have been had it not been for Aaron and Hur to hold Moses' hands up in the battle (Exodus 17)? Oh that would be like them and not like Job's friends!
One of the big things that going through therapy taught me is not to hide, mask, or push away pain. When it comes, embrace it fully, feel it to its depth, and do what needs to be done -- cry, journal, pray, talk to people. When we try to mask our pain, or deny that it is there, all we do is hurt ourselves more deeply and push the feeling of the pain away. We can't be healed if we don't feel pain. The ache of a hurting heart, the shedding of tears, is like rain that washes away the dirt, grime, and oil. It helps the heart to really feel and hurt and acknowledge loss or difficulty. In some past hurts, I've only allowed myself to hurt to a certain extent, or length of time, or even try not to hurt at all. All I did was delay the pain to another day, when it was even more painful to feel it and heal. Kind of like a broken bone. It has to be set and put in a cast to heal. Otherwise, it doesn't actually heal and you end up crippled. To fix that, you have to break it again and set it right.
Another thing I am learning, and this from one of my roommates, is to invite Jesus into the area of pain. Not for the purpose of taking it away, but for the purpose of walking with me through the pain. This has changed my prayer life in what I pray for as I feel pain. Jesus felt the full pain of the cross, the rejection of His Father, and the weight of the sin of the world on his shoulders. He is "a man of sorrows, [well] acquainted with grief". I don't think that God always takes away our pain immediately and directly (although He can and probably does sometimes); instead He walks with us through our pain and into healing. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." I think this is because God is not primarily after our healing, He is after our transformation. He doesn't want us simply 'fixed', He wants us recreated and made into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ. And pain is a megaphone that God uses to change us. C.S. Lewis writes that God shouts at us in our pain. He has my attention as I hurt and ache and struggle.
I've also learned to let go in the pain and to be transformed and changed. Again, God wants to transform me, not simply to "fix" me. If I allow Him and surrender to Him in the pain, He will change my heart. It has been one of my prayers the last few days -- that I would listen, that I would learn, and that I would be changed. I don't want to run or hide or avoid it, as much as it hurts. And He is teaching me to give up my demands, to cry out to Him, and to ruthlessly trust Him. I wish I could say I've done this well or am doing it well. Thankfully He is gracious and understands my weakness. He knows my heart and knows my desires.
I'm also learning to see self-protective habits and patterns that have been created, "wells" that I have dug for water, when Jesus is the source of living water. Larry Crabb in his book Inside Out talks a lot about this and our table group at church has been going through this book. I didn't think I'd get to really deeply apply some of what he suggested so soon, but it seems God had others plans for me! I run to these wells, perhaps letting fear hold me back, perhaps my job or money, perhaps selfishness or pride, instead of coming authentically and in brokenness before Christ and letting Him wash me with His water and His love. God reveals these wells to me and lovingly shows me how insufficient they are and how He is sufficient.
Being in pain helps in empathizing with the pain of others. Pain can generate a hardened or a softened heart. I can either build walls or I can let my heart remain open and tender as it is loved by Jesus. And in that love, I can feel and love others more deeply. I can pray for and support them in their pain. And I can share the love of Christ that has been shown in my pain with them.
And finally, how incredibly valuable and priceless are close friends! Knowing that I am prayed for, receiving encouragement from friends, having people to talk to, is helpful beyond what words can express. I'm not alone. You are not alone. People who love and support, those who are present and available, are such a huge help. Where would Israel have been had it not been for Aaron and Hur to hold Moses' hands up in the battle (Exodus 17)? Oh that would be like them and not like Job's friends!
Monday, August 23, 2010
I am me
I am me
I'm what you see
My heart on sleeve
It's loud and free
I am me.
I am me
Romantic I
Movies I cry
Passion does fly
I am me.
I am me
My voice is loud
I am too proud
By life I'm wow'd
I am me.
I am me
Opinions too
I have a few
Reduce I do
I am me.
I am me
Slurp through a straw
With loud guffaws
Without much cause
I am me.
I am me
Work in progress
I do confess
Imperfect, yes
I am me.
I am me
Not change will I
To satisfy
Where mind might fly
I am me.
I am me
To live as free
Not people please
But just to be
I am me.
I am me
From this my heart
It is a start
To show a part
I am me.
I am me
This I must stress
Not to impress
Nor make you less
I am me.
I am me
All I can do
Is say to you
That this is true
I am me.
I am me
Within His love
Covered by blood
Scrubbing the mud
I am me.
I am me
I am in Christ
Bought with great price
By love enticed
I am me.
I am me
Imperfect be
Finish will He
This work to free
I am me.
I am me
Jesus in thee
Does make me see
That you are you
And
I am me.
I'm what you see
My heart on sleeve
It's loud and free
I am me.
I am me
Romantic I
Movies I cry
Passion does fly
I am me.
I am me
My voice is loud
I am too proud
By life I'm wow'd
I am me.
I am me
Opinions too
I have a few
Reduce I do
I am me.
I am me
Slurp through a straw
With loud guffaws
Without much cause
I am me.
I am me
Work in progress
I do confess
Imperfect, yes
I am me.
I am me
Not change will I
To satisfy
Where mind might fly
I am me.
I am me
To live as free
Not people please
But just to be
I am me.
I am me
From this my heart
It is a start
To show a part
I am me.
I am me
This I must stress
Not to impress
Nor make you less
I am me.
I am me
All I can do
Is say to you
That this is true
I am me.
I am me
Within His love
Covered by blood
Scrubbing the mud
I am me.
I am me
I am in Christ
Bought with great price
By love enticed
I am me.
I am me
Imperfect be
Finish will He
This work to free
I am me.
I am me
Jesus in thee
Does make me see
That you are you
And
I am me.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Materialism
I enjoy helping friends move. It probably sounds a bit strange, but I like the physical exercise, the fun times with friends as we grunt and groan and heave stuff up and down stairs, and the taste of water and pizza after all the hard work. In addition to this, I like how it challenges me with the stuff that I own—I go home after helping someone move and usually throw some of my stuff away. Tonight, the sermon at IBC was on materialism, which is something that has been on my heart and mind for a while now.
I have a lot of stuff and I buy a lot of stuff. I don’t need this stuff and sometimes I don’t even really want the stuff I buy; I just do so because maybe I’ll be a little happier if I have it. I’ve been cleaning out boxes and drawers lately and getting rid of things that I hardly ever use (if at all). I am amazed at how many of these things I have that have cost me a decent amount of money and yet I’ve never or hardly used them! What a waste! This is not being a good steward of the money that Christ gives me. I have a box of computer games and some random equipment that have easily cost me over the years $40-50 per game, and yet now it sits in a garage collecting dust, listed on Craig’s List for $10 and not a single phone call. I could hardly wait to get the games and play them several years ago and yet now, all together, they aren’t worth anything. There was a joystick I bought, used once, and then put it back in the box, only to sit for several years before getting rid of it a few weeks ago. There is the pen that I thought I needed to help me go back to hand-writing a journal that would save the handwriting to a computer that is now sitting unused and I am in the process of getting rid of it. Those are just a few examples of the many things that have been wasted.
How quickly the stuff we own starts to own us! We move to larger apartments and homes to make room for what we buy, get alarms to protect our stuff, buy safes to protect it, and locks, chains, keys, and bolts. If that isn’t enough, we insure what we own, spend money to maintain it and keep it looking nice, and then after we die, it’s sold in an estate sale for a tiny fraction of what we invested in it. We can’t really take it with us and most of the time our families don’t want it!
Thankfully, with all of this, I feel like my purchasing habits are starting to change. I question the purchase of an item a lot more now; do I really need it, can I live without it, what am I going to do with it, and am I actually going to use it immediately? What else might I do with the money saved by not buying it that would be a better use? C.S. Lewis suggests that if our giving habits do not cause us to feel some pain and make us reduce our spending habits, maybe we aren’t giving enough. Does my spending reflect the importance of Christ in my life, or how selfish I am? What about you?
I have a lot of stuff and I buy a lot of stuff. I don’t need this stuff and sometimes I don’t even really want the stuff I buy; I just do so because maybe I’ll be a little happier if I have it. I’ve been cleaning out boxes and drawers lately and getting rid of things that I hardly ever use (if at all). I am amazed at how many of these things I have that have cost me a decent amount of money and yet I’ve never or hardly used them! What a waste! This is not being a good steward of the money that Christ gives me. I have a box of computer games and some random equipment that have easily cost me over the years $40-50 per game, and yet now it sits in a garage collecting dust, listed on Craig’s List for $10 and not a single phone call. I could hardly wait to get the games and play them several years ago and yet now, all together, they aren’t worth anything. There was a joystick I bought, used once, and then put it back in the box, only to sit for several years before getting rid of it a few weeks ago. There is the pen that I thought I needed to help me go back to hand-writing a journal that would save the handwriting to a computer that is now sitting unused and I am in the process of getting rid of it. Those are just a few examples of the many things that have been wasted.
How quickly the stuff we own starts to own us! We move to larger apartments and homes to make room for what we buy, get alarms to protect our stuff, buy safes to protect it, and locks, chains, keys, and bolts. If that isn’t enough, we insure what we own, spend money to maintain it and keep it looking nice, and then after we die, it’s sold in an estate sale for a tiny fraction of what we invested in it. We can’t really take it with us and most of the time our families don’t want it!
Thankfully, with all of this, I feel like my purchasing habits are starting to change. I question the purchase of an item a lot more now; do I really need it, can I live without it, what am I going to do with it, and am I actually going to use it immediately? What else might I do with the money saved by not buying it that would be a better use? C.S. Lewis suggests that if our giving habits do not cause us to feel some pain and make us reduce our spending habits, maybe we aren’t giving enough. Does my spending reflect the importance of Christ in my life, or how selfish I am? What about you?
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