Last night over the usual Point dinner at Red Hot and Blue a few of us ended up talking about the whole dating thing. It was an interesting discussion, but I noticed something that seems to be a common theme with most single people. It is this: singles don't know what they want.
Now, before I get jumped on for making such a statement, feel free to read on for a bit and then you can tear me apart :). What I mean by saying this is that it seems that there is such a concern for finding someone else that less time is spent being the right person. How can one know what one is looking for if one does not know who he or she is? It appears to me that the real issue in not knowing what we want is not that we don't know what it is, it is that we don't know ourselves.
I believe that the proper course of dating, should one decide to pursue that route, is to begin with the self. I think this is absolutely critical for a man because he is required to be a leader in the relationship. I wonder how many girls have been frustrated by men because the man they were with had no clue what he was doing or where he was going. We do not begin by finding someone else, we begin by being the person we are made to be. Difficult road? Certainly. Lonely at times? No doubt.
How will you know when you are at the right place? One test I might suggest is this: you know you are ready when you would rather spend the rest of your life single than be with the wrong person. And the wrong person is anyone who will require you to change the person you are. And in order to know that, it begins with you.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Forgiveness
I want to add yet another reason why it is important to acknowledge and plumb the depths of pain. This one is probably one of the most difficult, but also the most necessary. Entire books have been written on the subject, and I am only using it to add yet another reason why pain must be felt. The issue here is one of forgiveness.
No matter what the circumstance surrounding the pain, there is always someone to forgive. In death, the Person to forgive is God – not because He is spiteful or maliciously went out of His way to hurt you, but simply because feelings of doubt and explanation arise and it is normal to direct those at Him. In other situations, such as the loss of a relationship or friendship, the rejection by a group or any other circumstance that does not involve death, there usually is a much more concrete individual or individuals who will require forgiveness.
Here is the problem: unless a wound is felt to its deepest impact, it cannot be fully forgiven. Unless one is willing to admit the depth of pain and how much the loss mattered and was important, it cannot be completely forgiven. It is similar to an iceberg – it does no good for a person to estimate the size (and danger) of a large body of ice based on what is seen above water. The vast majority of it is under water. We cannot successfully steer our lives through healing and forgiveness when there is pain that has not been fully admitted and felt.
One of the many things we attempt to do (as I have mentioned earlier) is to try to minimize the importance or impact that an event or person has on our life when pain comes from them. This creates many problems – a couple I have detailed previously. Part of the healing process is to let go and to forgive the person or group of the wounds that we have received. But that cannot be done until the wound is fully acknowledged and allowed to fully hurt.
I will probably post more on the topic of forgiveness at some point in the future. I am not saying that one should not forgive until there is no more pain. At the same time, why do we try to play around with forgiveness when we have not even admitted the depth of the loss? Healing begins when an individual is honest with him or herself. At some point in the healing process, when the extent of the damage can be seen and felt, then forgiveness can begin. And forgiveness, in many cases, will only come by remembering what we have been forgiven of.
No matter what the circumstance surrounding the pain, there is always someone to forgive. In death, the Person to forgive is God – not because He is spiteful or maliciously went out of His way to hurt you, but simply because feelings of doubt and explanation arise and it is normal to direct those at Him. In other situations, such as the loss of a relationship or friendship, the rejection by a group or any other circumstance that does not involve death, there usually is a much more concrete individual or individuals who will require forgiveness.
Here is the problem: unless a wound is felt to its deepest impact, it cannot be fully forgiven. Unless one is willing to admit the depth of pain and how much the loss mattered and was important, it cannot be completely forgiven. It is similar to an iceberg – it does no good for a person to estimate the size (and danger) of a large body of ice based on what is seen above water. The vast majority of it is under water. We cannot successfully steer our lives through healing and forgiveness when there is pain that has not been fully admitted and felt.
One of the many things we attempt to do (as I have mentioned earlier) is to try to minimize the importance or impact that an event or person has on our life when pain comes from them. This creates many problems – a couple I have detailed previously. Part of the healing process is to let go and to forgive the person or group of the wounds that we have received. But that cannot be done until the wound is fully acknowledged and allowed to fully hurt.
I will probably post more on the topic of forgiveness at some point in the future. I am not saying that one should not forgive until there is no more pain. At the same time, why do we try to play around with forgiveness when we have not even admitted the depth of the loss? Healing begins when an individual is honest with him or herself. At some point in the healing process, when the extent of the damage can be seen and felt, then forgiveness can begin. And forgiveness, in many cases, will only come by remembering what we have been forgiven of.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Why feel pain?
One is justified in asking what the use is of visiting the wounds of the past, especially the ones we have not dealt with. Why would I want to revisit that place of pain? I have touched on the why briefly in the previous couple of posts, but those have been more theoretical. The theory is that in order to fully live, one must have a heart fully alive; and an unhealed wound prevents the heart from being fully alive. But let’s get more practical here.
Eldredge talks about the wound in his book, Wild at Heart, and the term “Arrow” is used in Sacred Romance for the same concept. What happens is that when a wound (arrow) is taken, a message is delivered with that wound, and from that message we create a false self. This false self is generated from the message which is more often than not a lie.
Wound (Arrow) >> (delivers a) Message (that is a lie) >> (from which we create a) False Self
Have you ever wondered why you react to certain things the way you do? Do you question why your passions have shifted, or even been lost? Why am I afraid of certain things, why am I a certain way, why do I respond to a given situation with a less than desirable response? These are just a few of the questions that may be answered when one takes a journey into the wounds of the past.
We are told constantly (especially in the church) that it does no good to dwell on the past – that we must leave it behind and move forward. We should never use the present or past as an excuse to not do the things we need to do. I can see that idea applying especially to the situations where one thinks enough has been “done” for God. The important thing to realize is that one does not “do” things for God to repay Him for the gift of His Son – such repayment is not possible. However, we never “arrive” as Christians until we meet Christ following death. And that will only be through His death for us.
But, it is important to revisit the past and examine the events in our lives that have shaped us to be who we are. This is especially true with the painful events of our past. The reasons have been mentioned, but the particular one listed here is one of the most important reasons. Reexamining the wounds of the past will help identify the messages that have been delivered with those wounds, which we have believed (though they have been lies), and on which we have build a self that isn’t part of who we really were made to be.
This may seem to abstract still. One of the largest places we receive wounds from is parents (especially fathers). A father who calls his son or daughter a coward may deliver to his son a message that says “I do not believe in you. I am disappointed in you. I am ashamed to be your dad. I do not think you can ‘cut’ it in this world.” And so what does a son or daughter who receives this do? There are many responses – one may be to overcompensate for this statement and become an overachiever in an attempt to somehow “please” the father and convince him that he or she really is not a coward. One may chose to give up, accepting it as true and then living as if it were. No doubt there are many other things one does in an attempt to either cover up or accept the statement.
This should provide at least one additional reason for venturing into the wound. Most likely a father who gives such a wound has been wounded himself and he has not dealt with it appropriately. He probably believes the lie of his wound and he is compensating by attacking the image of himself that he sees in his son or daughter. That is just one that is possible off the top of my head. In order to be a better parent (if one wants to be), going to the place of pain so that one can heal is the best route to take. Healing is necessary so you can be whole and you will not inflict wounds on others, especially those you love.
I have touched on a few more concrete reasons for going to wounded places and finding healing through pain. As I think of others or better explanations, I may post further on this part of the subject of pain and healing.
Eldredge talks about the wound in his book, Wild at Heart, and the term “Arrow” is used in Sacred Romance for the same concept. What happens is that when a wound (arrow) is taken, a message is delivered with that wound, and from that message we create a false self. This false self is generated from the message which is more often than not a lie.
Wound (Arrow) >> (delivers a) Message (that is a lie) >> (from which we create a) False Self
Have you ever wondered why you react to certain things the way you do? Do you question why your passions have shifted, or even been lost? Why am I afraid of certain things, why am I a certain way, why do I respond to a given situation with a less than desirable response? These are just a few of the questions that may be answered when one takes a journey into the wounds of the past.
We are told constantly (especially in the church) that it does no good to dwell on the past – that we must leave it behind and move forward. We should never use the present or past as an excuse to not do the things we need to do. I can see that idea applying especially to the situations where one thinks enough has been “done” for God. The important thing to realize is that one does not “do” things for God to repay Him for the gift of His Son – such repayment is not possible. However, we never “arrive” as Christians until we meet Christ following death. And that will only be through His death for us.
But, it is important to revisit the past and examine the events in our lives that have shaped us to be who we are. This is especially true with the painful events of our past. The reasons have been mentioned, but the particular one listed here is one of the most important reasons. Reexamining the wounds of the past will help identify the messages that have been delivered with those wounds, which we have believed (though they have been lies), and on which we have build a self that isn’t part of who we really were made to be.
This may seem to abstract still. One of the largest places we receive wounds from is parents (especially fathers). A father who calls his son or daughter a coward may deliver to his son a message that says “I do not believe in you. I am disappointed in you. I am ashamed to be your dad. I do not think you can ‘cut’ it in this world.” And so what does a son or daughter who receives this do? There are many responses – one may be to overcompensate for this statement and become an overachiever in an attempt to somehow “please” the father and convince him that he or she really is not a coward. One may chose to give up, accepting it as true and then living as if it were. No doubt there are many other things one does in an attempt to either cover up or accept the statement.
This should provide at least one additional reason for venturing into the wound. Most likely a father who gives such a wound has been wounded himself and he has not dealt with it appropriately. He probably believes the lie of his wound and he is compensating by attacking the image of himself that he sees in his son or daughter. That is just one that is possible off the top of my head. In order to be a better parent (if one wants to be), going to the place of pain so that one can heal is the best route to take. Healing is necessary so you can be whole and you will not inflict wounds on others, especially those you love.
I have touched on a few more concrete reasons for going to wounded places and finding healing through pain. As I think of others or better explanations, I may post further on this part of the subject of pain and healing.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
The beginning
I want to continue what I mentioned earlier about pain and what was referred to as “the Arrows”. An Arrow is pain, from whatever it is we experience. What we do as a result of the Arrow will affect us not only in the short term, but for the rest of our lives.
“At some point we all face the same decision—what will we do with the Arrows we’ve known? Maybe a better way to say it is, what have they tempted us to do? However they come to us, whether through a loss we experience as abandonment or some deep violation we feel as abuse, their message is always the same: Kill your heart. Divorce it, neglect it, run from it, or indulge it with some anesthetic (our various addictions). Think of how you’ve handled the affliction that has pierced your own heart. How did the Arrows come to you? Where did they land? Are they still there? What have you done as a result?” (The Sacred Romance, Chapter 3)
I think one of the ways humans deal with pain is to distance the self from the pain. But in order to do so, we have to lie to our self. We begin to minimize the impact that it has on our life. We start to pretend that it isn’t important, that it doesn’t matter, that somehow, somewhere, we can get by without it. The problem this creates is that it does not allow the heart to heal. In order to heal, the heart must be rinsed through feeling the pain, being cleansed by tears.
If I was to break my arm, it would be foolish of me to act as if I did not need the arm and continue without seeking treatment. Certainly the processing of setting a broken bone is not a pleasant experience from what I’ve been told, but by setting the bone in its proper place, I am admitting I need the arm (and allowing it to heal properly). This is true with painful experiences as well. I must first come to the place where I admit that I need my heart to be alive in order for me to really live.
While healing may take various forms and manifest itself in different ways, it more often than not follows a general pattern. What I am interested in writing about over the upcoming weeks, perhaps months, is what this pattern looks like. Let us not kid ourselves – we will take Arrows at various times and places in our lives. That is unavoidable. We cannot live in a cocoon, attempting to control our environment and space to such an extent that no pain is possible. One could certainly take that route, but as Lewis pointed out, the possibility (and certainty) of pain also allows us to experience that beautiful thing called joy. And so what must be learned is what is the correct way, what is God’s way, of responding to pain?
“At some point we all face the same decision—what will we do with the Arrows we’ve known? Maybe a better way to say it is, what have they tempted us to do? However they come to us, whether through a loss we experience as abandonment or some deep violation we feel as abuse, their message is always the same: Kill your heart. Divorce it, neglect it, run from it, or indulge it with some anesthetic (our various addictions). Think of how you’ve handled the affliction that has pierced your own heart. How did the Arrows come to you? Where did they land? Are they still there? What have you done as a result?” (The Sacred Romance, Chapter 3)
I think one of the ways humans deal with pain is to distance the self from the pain. But in order to do so, we have to lie to our self. We begin to minimize the impact that it has on our life. We start to pretend that it isn’t important, that it doesn’t matter, that somehow, somewhere, we can get by without it. The problem this creates is that it does not allow the heart to heal. In order to heal, the heart must be rinsed through feeling the pain, being cleansed by tears.
If I was to break my arm, it would be foolish of me to act as if I did not need the arm and continue without seeking treatment. Certainly the processing of setting a broken bone is not a pleasant experience from what I’ve been told, but by setting the bone in its proper place, I am admitting I need the arm (and allowing it to heal properly). This is true with painful experiences as well. I must first come to the place where I admit that I need my heart to be alive in order for me to really live.
While healing may take various forms and manifest itself in different ways, it more often than not follows a general pattern. What I am interested in writing about over the upcoming weeks, perhaps months, is what this pattern looks like. Let us not kid ourselves – we will take Arrows at various times and places in our lives. That is unavoidable. We cannot live in a cocoon, attempting to control our environment and space to such an extent that no pain is possible. One could certainly take that route, but as Lewis pointed out, the possibility (and certainty) of pain also allows us to experience that beautiful thing called joy. And so what must be learned is what is the correct way, what is God’s way, of responding to pain?
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Sacred Romance
Over four years ago, I was recommended the book The Sacred Romance. I read it at the time, but have little memory on how it affected me then. I have started reading it again and this time many of the things it discusses have much more meaning now. One of the early points in the book is what the authors call "the message of the arrows". This concept is the same as what Eldredge calls "the wound" in his Wild at Heart book. It brings with it the idea that throughout our lives, we are wounded by arrows, through the loss of people, through separation, through anything that brings intense pain. These wounds bring with them a message. The message shapes our outlook on life -- what we become and do. I mention this in passing, but I intend to go deeper into the implications of the arrows and the messages they contain in the near future. The self examination question for today is to ask yourself: what arrows in my life have I taken and what message(s) have they delivered to me?
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