Releasing the Fantasy and Loving the Real

I didn't talk to my dad for seven years. This began a few months after I moved out of his house. It was because the few times I did talk to him in that period were so destructive and hurtful emotionally for me that it took at least a week after each for me to recover. Later, towards the end of the seven years, I was talking with a therapist about my inability to have a relationship with my dad and therefore my continued total blockage of the relationship to protect myself. He said something that really ticked me off: "Your relationship difficulties with your father are your fault."

What!?!

Now I had been in therapy long enough to know that there's gotta be more. But I was pretty ticked off. How dare he tell me that the pain that I experienced each time I saw my dad was my fault! Ok, deep breath. "Please explain."

"These difficulties are your fault because you are expecting your dad to be something he cannot be and yet you continue to approach him and expect him to do, to say, to be what he isn't and cannot be. You are old enough and have seen enough that you both know that this isn't possible and you are able to approach him with enough caution to guide the conversation and interaction around the issues and topics you know will cause you pain."

Whoah!

This changed, and I mean CHANGED, my relationship with my father. You see, before, I went to my dad with the fantasy expectation that I had of the father and son relationship that I had always pictured that we would have when I was an adult. Me, the independent son, inviting him over for beers and a good conversation about deep topics, or calling him on the phone and having an interesting discussion about current events, or asking his advice on something that I was facing. Him, the wise sage, now ready to dispense advice and yet respecting my independence, ready to listen, to offer feedback, and have good discussion that wasn't always in perfect agreement. But here's the reality of my relationship with my dad: that isn't possible. And frankly, for me to expect that of him isn't loving my dad for who he actually is, but loving some fantasy that isn't even him. Sure, it would be great to have that kind of relationship. But that's not what I've been given, it's not what I have. If I was to have any relationship with him, it had to be a real relationship that recognized and respected his limitations (even those he wouldn't recognize or accept about himself).

This has come with a lot of mourning and a lot of sadness, even today. The last two times I have seen him, I have wished for more, but I've had to accept what is, and mourn the loss of what isn't. I can't force him to be what he can't. I must see him and love him as he is. For me that means I don't get to share all of me with him, because I know there are certain ideas and opinions I have that he could not accept and it would add unnecessary pain to the relationship. It's tough to let go of the fantasy. The fantasy "feels" right.. and in a perfect world, it is! But I must accept my dad as fallen, just as I am fallen too. And turn the fullness of my desires, and sorrow, to the Perfect Father in heaven.

Goodbye, Fantasy

Goodbye to fantasy that please
And promises a life of ease
You make me think that’s it all fun
That I will never have to run.

You promise that love easy be
And any problems fix it me
You take a wish, a dream that’s true
And blow it up and make it huge.

You say that it will all feel good
And yet you steal and take what could
Be joy, life in reality
You rob of life and I’m not free.

The Pleasure Isle does promise all
It cries out loud, with tempting call
Pulling on wounds that lie so deep
And yet at end my soul does keep.

I’ve bought your lie that you can be
All that my heart did long to see
And yet at end all that I know
Despair, there is no place to go.

You say that just the corner round
Happiness is and will be found
But round the bend the lie does wait
And real is lost, what’s left is fake.

I needed someone as a friend
I opened up and let you in
You came to kill, steal and destroy
And thief you are against this boy.

Attractive was your promise to
Fulfillment give, it sounded true
Sign here on dotted line but don’t
Read fine print cause you’ll find it won’t.

You whisper soft with words so sweet
Come play, have fun, it will be neat
But at the end lies guilt and shame
You laugh and play again your game.

“You see the so-called coaster ride
It’s great, “ you say, to take you high
But you don’t say what’s at the end.
Destruction death, you’re not a friend.

When all is done at end of day
You leave and laugh, you’ve had your play
You leave behind an empty heart
Intention was to drain from start.

You poison everything you touch
For joy is lost in things so much
You take me up then throw me down
I toss and turn, am thrown around.

Your promises counterfeit claims
They take and steal and rob my name
My life of joy and freedom too
I’m left empty and feeling blue.

And when I try with all my might
To leave and get out of your sight
You yell and scream, “You’ll never leave
I own your soul, in traps I weave.”

I’ve given you so much my strength
In thirst to quench I drink and drink
Yet quench not does, nor satisfy
I’m left alone, in shame and lies.

I choose to turn my life away
And start anew, this brand new day
Embrace the real, walk in the true
Rejoice in that I am made new.

For Christ has set me free from sin,
It’s in his love that I can win
And live without the shame and lies
To see myself with brand new eyes.

The door is there, it’s time to leave
Take all your empty melodies
My heart though stays, not yours to take
As it in Christ has come awake.

Renounce do I no longer in
I will not trust and you’ll not win
Embrace will I the truth of life
The state of joy, but too the strife.

Renounce I do the lies believed
Go fantasy, you must now leave
In name of Christ, the Chosen One
Bought with a price and now his son.

I turn and view all that I’ve lost
Expensive is, oh what the cost
And yet, in Christ redeem He will
His promise that my heart to fill.

I mourn the loss of fantasy
I know that it can never be
I say goodbye to this old friend
Away you go, I’m on the mend.

Your lies no more believe will I
No more will I left out to dry
I want the source of life and joy
Not empty, false and deadly ploy.

The real, the true, the beautiful
Make my heart sing and with it full
To love with heart redeemed and new
Embracing all that’s real and true

My God in your forgiveness found
How long I’ve been to come around
And yet Father, tender and true
You love and cleanse and make me new.

Oh Christ may I walk in your love
Shown on the cross and by your blood
Your life you lived that I might be
Unchained, unlocked and truly free.

Oh praise the One who entered in
Not to destroy, but ransom sin
And sets me free to live the real
Embrace His life and fully feel.

My Jesus guard my heart today
Always with me each step of way
Keep searching and know well my heart
Be always there, at each new start.

Prayer for a Friend

Oh Lord, I pray for my dear friend
Who runs and kicks and hides
I want to see in freedom live
And not in Satan’s lies.

It hurts to see this friend of mine
With unacknowledged pain.
I have been there, know what it’s like
With things that were the same.

What wounds exist that cause the heart
To build walls large and strong?
Which causes none to penetrate
So nothing will go wrong.

I pray that you, dear Son of God
Would come and set one free
That you would open friend’s eyes wide
So that the heart might see.

What pain is there, what hurt from past
What things are there before?
What unresolved and unaware
Prevent an open door?

Lord I pray for healing and
For light to shine in face
That sight be giv’n, and heart made whole
As you pour out your grace.

Oh Lord I know, in my own life
The lies that I’ve believed.
Impacted they to partial life
The state that I did lead.

Your heart is large, your arms are wide
And you do not condemn.
Anyone can come to the cross
Which frees from any sin.

I long to see this friend of mine
Live freely through what’s true.
I pray that you will bring to friend
A heart and mind made new.

Also dear Lord protect my heart
From being too involved
Let me just pray, support and love
And trust you’ll catch a fall.

Healing Issues, Part 2

In the previous post, I used the terms vertical and horizontal to separate two parts of the healing process that I wanted to discuss. I think better terms for the distinction would be two dimensions and three dimensions. The previous post was on what I said was horizontal, or better said, two dimensions, and in this one, I want to discuss the vertical, or a better term for it, three dimensions.

Think of a tear on a page. One can repair the page and the page is ready for use (the repair would still be evident). Likewise, it was previously stated that healing from different wounds that the heart takes allows us to live from more of our hearts, instead of avoiding or walling off certain areas.

Think of a book now. When one takes a knife and stabs a book, more than one page has been damaged, ripped, and torn. Likewise, with the heart, wounds don’t just affect one area or “page” in the heart. These wounds affect a great many areas. Perhaps our senses of identity, self, worth, love, belonging, independence, and others. Now our heart illustration looks something like this:

I want to comment on a couple of implications from the book/page illustration.

• Healing from a deep wound is not a simple or one-time process.
• Healing in the different areas of the heart will require different ‘fixes’.

Just as more than one page of a book needs repair, so too more than one area of the heart needs healing. However, unlike a book, where we can turn all the pages and see the damage to each page, the heart is much more complex and we are not able to see the impact all at once. We must be living in those areas in order for the impact to be evident. Take for example how much more “stuff” comes up when one is in a deeply committed relationship versus being single and unattached. It is because we are engaging more areas of the heart and some of those areas will have been damaged by wounds. What we thought we had “dealt with” is back; but it isn’t back because our healing previously was insufficient; it is because a multi-layered heart has multi-layered wounds. Healing is not simple because we are damaged in more than one area, and it is not one-time because we do not live from all areas at all times. Many times the areas of the heart that are damaged most are the ones used only when one is in a certain situation. Again, relationships are a great example. Sometimes the damage taken in a previous relationship may not come to the surface until the next one.

I cannot emphasize the importance of this truth in the healing process. We exclaim in frustration, “But I’ve already dealt with this!” and we move on and fail to understand the reality of that we are wounded in many layers and maybe this is a new layer we weren’t aware was damaged until now. You’ve found another damaged page! Don’t set an expectation on yourself that just because you’ve dealt with it now that there won’t be others areas where it might come up. The impact of a wound is impossible to fully understand and know because hearts are not visible, tangible items.

Different types of pages in a book will need to be repaired in different ways. Photo pages, text pages, pages with impressions, popup pages—each of these will require different repair techniques. Likewise, we will find that different areas of the heart need different healing steps and time needs. How I went about healing in one area may not work in another. The amount of time it takes in one area may not be the same time as another. It is important to give oneself understanding and flexibility as one walks through the healing processes that apply to the different areas of the heart.

It might feel discouraging to realize that wounds are not simple or easily fixable. Yet how much more is experienced by a three dimensional object versus a two? The pains are greater, but the joys even more so. Give yourself time, flexibility, and understanding in your healing process. Recognize that it is worth it, it will take time, probably come up more than once for a specific wound, and need different healing steps.

Healing Issues

This is a two-part topic on some implications on healing decisions that one will face in life. In this first part, I want to cover part of how the heart is impacted by different approaches we take after we experience deep pain in our lives, and in the second part, I’ll address the iterative cycle of healing. This first part deals more with a horizontal view of healing; the second will deal with more of a vertical view of it.

There are a few ways we can face significant emotional pain when it occurs in life. We can:

• Leave it alone (ignore it)
• Run away from it (avoid it)
• Walk through it (face it)

A wounded heart might be shown as follows:

Here is a visual of what the heart might look like long-term when wounds are ignored:

The main problem with ignoring wounds is that they remain and still have an effect on the life. The saying that “time heals all wounds” is flawed—time is a component in healing, but it takes much more than simply time. When one ignores wounds in the heart, one lives with a heart that is still very painful in places and thus it is difficult to live whole-hearted. Those places shown above in red are places one would be very careful about stepping on, because they would elicit very painful reactions as they are unhealed. Not only that, but such unhealed wounds can grow, and become much worse.

Here is what a wounded heart of an avoidant might look like:

One big issue with avoiding wounds is that we create regions in the heart that are “off limits”. You can’t go there, and neither can anyone else. The problem is that the more wounds one takes, the smaller the heart is that is free to love and to live. When we wall off regions of our hearts due to pain, we then live even more a partial-hearted life and can never experience freedom and life as I think is intended by God.

Here is what a heart that faces wounds and walks through them into healing might look like:

The scars a wound leaves will always remain, but unhealed throbbing that we tend to ignore or run from is no longer present. We are better able to live whole-hearted—damaged, but still with the whole heart. The scars might be tender, some wounds less healed than others, some larger than others, all still having some affect in our lives. But the active pain, the “electric fence” that is erected due to avoiding pain is no longer present, as we courageously walk into and walk through those painful places and experience healing.

What I want to emphasize in all of this is that while it is painful to walk into healing and to feel the effects of wounds, it is worth it in the long run. We are able to live whole-heartedly, instead of walling places of our heart off that are “off limits”, or avoiding painful places, or being caught off guard because untouched wounds still remain. It enables us to minister from the place of woundedness, as we have walked through the pain and healing of that pain, and thus can better empathize with others in their pain and wounds. And we can live in greater freedom, not in bondage to wounds, but with the awareness of their impact, the thankfulness for their healing, and the maturity from the wisdom learned.

Learning Relational Lessons

So being in pain is really a great way to learn some great lessons. As I'm going through the hurt of a break up, this morning I felt like God showed me two areas that were eye-opening.

Respect is incredibly important in relationships. But you have to be someone who can be respected. It's hard (almost impossible) to respect a door mat. I've been realizing that my fear of losing someone at times prevents me from standing up for myself. In fact, many times I just roll over and go with it -- and how can one respect and ultimately love that? I feel like I have a pretty good knowledge of myself and who I am, but there seems to be insecurities relationally that make me more guarded and willing to put up with disrespect instead of speaking up for myself. I feel like even these are starting to be identified and brought to light.

The other thing I've discovered, closely related to the fear above, is that I tend to avoid fighting. I did not like the way my parents fought when I was a kid and so I created a story that said "fighting in a relationship is bad" and "avoid it at all costs". But to do so, you end up short-changing yourself because you aren't presenting an accurate picture of who you are -- your thoughts, your opinions, your attitudes, your beliefs. Not only that, but some fighting and disagreement is good. It adds some passion and feelings in a relationship and challenges you and grows you together. Simply agreeing with everything said or not saying anything makes things rather boring, lifeless, and dull. I'm afraid that if I argue or disagree, that it will turn out like what I saw so poorly modeled, and thus avoided it. But I don't have to be like my parents (and am already in many ways not like them); I can be me, and take the lessons I've observed and learned and discuss and disagree and even fight in a respectful way.

I am so thankful that God is opening my eyes to these things and it is wonderful to finally have light shined in some dusty and dark places!

Pain

I've been having a rough time lately both in my personal and work life -- feeling a bit overwhelmed with several things that are happening at the same time. I'm in the middle of transitioning out of my current job to leave for a new company, working through some internal team conflict, going through a break up, and feeling sad and disappointed about things. I wanted to share a few lessons that I am learning yet again that might be helpful to you.

One of the big things that going through therapy taught me is not to hide, mask, or push away pain. When it comes, embrace it fully, feel it to its depth, and do what needs to be done -- cry, journal, pray, talk to people. When we try to mask our pain, or deny that it is there, all we do is hurt ourselves more deeply and push the feeling of the pain away. We can't be healed if we don't feel pain. The ache of a hurting heart, the shedding of tears, is like rain that washes away the dirt, grime, and oil. It helps the heart to really feel and hurt and acknowledge loss or difficulty. In some past hurts, I've only allowed myself to hurt to a certain extent, or length of time, or even try not to hurt at all. All I did was delay the pain to another day, when it was even more painful to feel it and heal. Kind of like a broken bone. It has to be set and put in a cast to heal. Otherwise, it doesn't actually heal and you end up crippled. To fix that, you have to break it again and set it right.

Another thing I am learning, and this from one of my roommates, is to invite Jesus into the area of pain. Not for the purpose of taking it away, but for the purpose of walking with me through the pain. This has changed my prayer life in what I pray for as I feel pain. Jesus felt the full pain of the cross, the rejection of His Father, and the weight of the sin of the world on his shoulders. He is "a man of sorrows, [well] acquainted with grief". I don't think that God always takes away our pain immediately and directly (although He can and probably does sometimes); instead He walks with us through our pain and into healing. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." I think this is because God is not primarily after our healing, He is after our transformation. He doesn't want us simply 'fixed', He wants us recreated and made into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ. And pain is a megaphone that God uses to change us. C.S. Lewis writes that God shouts at us in our pain. He has my attention as I hurt and ache and struggle.

I've also learned to let go in the pain and to be transformed and changed. Again, God wants to transform me, not simply to "fix" me. If I allow Him and surrender to Him in the pain, He will change my heart. It has been one of my prayers the last few days -- that I would listen, that I would learn, and that I would be changed. I don't want to run or hide or avoid it, as much as it hurts. And He is teaching me to give up my demands, to cry out to Him, and to ruthlessly trust Him. I wish I could say I've done this well or am doing it well. Thankfully He is gracious and understands my weakness. He knows my heart and knows my desires.

I'm also learning to see self-protective habits and patterns that have been created, "wells" that I have dug for water, when Jesus is the source of living water. Larry Crabb in his book Inside Out talks a lot about this and our table group at church has been going through this book. I didn't think I'd get to really deeply apply some of what he suggested so soon, but it seems God had others plans for me! I run to these wells, perhaps letting fear hold me back, perhaps my job or money, perhaps selfishness or pride, instead of coming authentically and in brokenness before Christ and letting Him wash me with His water and His love. God reveals these wells to me and lovingly shows me how insufficient they are and how He is sufficient.

Being in pain helps in empathizing with the pain of others. Pain can generate a hardened or a softened heart. I can either build walls or I can let my heart remain open and tender as it is loved by Jesus. And in that love, I can feel and love others more deeply. I can pray for and support them in their pain. And I can share the love of Christ that has been shown in my pain with them.

And finally, how incredibly valuable and priceless are close friends! Knowing that I am prayed for, receiving encouragement from friends, having people to talk to, is helpful beyond what words can express. I'm not alone. You are not alone. People who love and support, those who are present and available, are such a huge help. Where would Israel have been had it not been for Aaron and Hur to hold Moses' hands up in the battle (Exodus 17)? Oh that would be like them and not like Job's friends!

Wounded Healer Reflection

I recently finished The Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen and was really convicted by much of what he had to say. The emphasis on the book is not so much trying to heal others as it is to get the reader to understand that without the mutual identification of wounds and entering into the hurt of another, healing cannot take place. I like what he says in the third chapter:

"Who can take away suffering without entering it?" The great illusion of leadership is to think that men can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there... we have forgotten that no God can save us except a suffering God, and that no man can lead his people except the man who is crushed by its sins.

He then quotes from Carl Rogers, who writes:

[W]hat is most personal and unique in each one of us is probably the very element which would, if it were shared or expressed, speak most deeply to others. This has helped me to understand artists and poets who have dared to express the unique in themselves.

I tend to forget about my wounds, and move on to what I consider bigger things, while losing the memory of where I once was. I think this is one of the reasons you see the pattern in the Bible of telling stories over and over. It is to remind the person of where they came from, what God did in his or her life, and who he or she once was. God commanded the children of Israel to remember:

Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. (Duet. 5:15, see 7:18, 8:2, 8:18, 15:15, 16:12, 24:18, 24:22)

My favorite scene in The Two Towers has Sam saying:

By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you.

Remember where you came from. Remember what He has done. Ministry to others depends on it!

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Is 53:5)

Dying to Self

One of the books I am currently reading is called The Road Less Travelled. This is one of the most challenging books I have ever read, primarily because the author does not beat around the bush, but is very straight forward and honest. He shares an excellent example of what it means for different parts of the self to die in order to embrace where one is at in life. In the Balancing chapter, the author recounts a story of playing chess with his 14 year old daughter who was very disciplined at going to bed by 9 PM on weekdays. She had been wanting to play for a long time and was very excited about the game. The evening wore on and it started to get close to when she wanted to go to bed so she asked her dad to hurry the game up. He thought she was a bit too rigid about her bedtime and so insisted they keep playing, because "you shouldn't start games that you can't finish." After playing for another ten minutes, his daughter burst into tears and ran upstairs. He says, "I started the evening wanting to have a happy time with my daughter. Ninety minutes later she was in tears and so angry at me she could hardly speak. What had gone wrong?.. I had botched the evening by allowing my desire to win a chess game become more important than my desire to build a relationship with my daughter… Gradually it dawned on me that my desire to win was too great and that I needed to give up some of this desire." Here is where the dying of different parts of the self comes in. What does one do with this? Do you go explain to your daughter the importance of finishing a game—which would be ridiculous, but the thing an insensitive parent who is unwilling to change would do. "I have given up part of my desire to win at games. That part of me is gone now. It died. It had to die. I killed it… When I was a child my desire to win at games served me well. As a parent, I recognized that it got in my way. So it had to go. The times have changed. To move with them I had to give it up. I do not miss it. I thought I would, but I don't." (pages 67-69)

I love the above quote, especially when he states that for a time, his desire served him well, but now, it got in the way, and it had to go. There are many things that at different points in our lives has served us well. But do they serve us well now or are they hindrances to our growth? Does your/my desire to win get in the way of enjoying other people (and they enjoying us)? Do I really need to feel that I have to have everything figured out in order to be safe—understanding that for a time, that knowledge did serve me well, but no longer does? Ultimately, the point here applies to anything in our lives that gets in the way of us becoming people who are free of our own chains. "I can't", "I have to", "I must", "I should"—these are all common, useful phrases that reflect limitations and desires that have served us well. But do they serve you and me well now?

"When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things." (1 Cor. 13:11)

Dad

I met my dad for lunch on Monday. This was the first time I have seen him in seven years. No, that is not a typo. Seven years.

My thoughts and feelings towards it are different from what I expected. I had built this up for so long in my head that I suppose the idea of meeting him contributed to being an obstacle to actually meeting him. Reality is quite different from what is envisioned and I continue to learn this truth the longer I live. In other words, what I think versus what is, which therefore requires me to change my thinking to conform with what is real!

I don't regret the time it has taken to be at this place. If anything, it is another sign that healing has taken place and I praise God for this work in my life. I will say, that use of the word 'never' is not really a good idea, because God specializes in making the never happen.

One of my biggest questions now is: where do I go from here?

Be Still

Cease striving and know that I am God. (Psalm 46.10a, also translated Be still and know that I am God)

I was riding on the bike this morning and was thinking about what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, and what I was afraid to do. I was mentally making a list of all the things I dislike about myself that I wanted to work on. It started to become very overwhelming and this verse came to mind. It is a difficult verse for a type-A, super-achiever, perfectionist to understand. You want me to do what!?!? Or better, you want me to stop doing?!? If anything, my natural reaction is to try harder, to do more, to try to find "the fix". I keep endlessly searching for who I am, which as helpful as that might be, who I am will still be a dead end in the end. Don't get me wrong -- I am all for deep soul-searching and seeking to know one's past so as to understand its impact on the present and future. But I keep getting caught up in the circular reference of self.

Maybe what God desires of me is less of me striving and more of me listening to Him. When Mary and Martha had Christ over for dinner, Martha was busy preparing the food while Mary was sitting at the feet of Christ hanging on His every word. Martha was mad at her and told Christ to make Mary get up and help her. Christ's response was, "Martha, Martha [Joshua, Joshua], you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:41) It is hard for a Martha to simply sit and listen. It doesn't feel like I am doing anything! But isn't that the point: it's not about what I am doing, but what He is doing! This is hard for me to swallow. And yet somewhere, deep inside my soul, there is a shout of joy. After all, my list is overwhelming.

In my typical type-A fashion, I start to but what about my... "But what about getting myself to a place where I can be a good husband, father, employee, family member, friend? But what about my fear? But what about my selfishness? But what about my..."

But what about God?

• So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. (Is. 55:11)
• But he [Christ] said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9)
• Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. (Is. 41:10)
• Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth Does not become weary or tired His understanding is inscrutable. (Is. 40:28)

Just a few verses, of the hundreds, if not thousands, that can be listed describing God. Perhaps my perceived limitations and insurmountable obstacles are just that because I am looking at me, buying into the lie that I have to figure this out all on my own. I'm like a dog who has a thorn in his paw: I'm kicking and screaming as my master is trying to get me to be still so he can pull it out. Maybe my master wants me to be still because he wants to love on me.

Cease striving and know that I am God.

East to West

Casting Crowns has a new CD out and their song East to West is amazing:

East To West - Casting Crowns

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you've cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Chorus:
Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You
But You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been rising up in me again
In your arms of Your mercy I find rest
cause You know how far the east is from the west
from one scarred hand to the other

I have highlighted some of the words that really stick out to me. My greatest fear is to become like my dad, a man overwhelmed by fear. This song speaks very deeply to my heart about the change and hope that is in Jesus Christ.

I am an idiot

I was reading my brother's blog and he made a statement that caught my attention. In reference to what my dad taught us as children, he said: "I am a [huge] idiot for ever believing in all that [trash]." This is a statement I have made before, so I understand where he is coming from. I want to walk through some of the things I have learned through my healing process. Perhaps it will be beneficial to others.

In her excellent book, Becoming Real, Dr. Saltz argues that our childhood stories hold us back from becoming real, authentic, adult individuals. We create our childhood stories in order to survive and harmonize what we experience as we grow up. Let me give you an example:

• A father regularly tells his daughter to shut up when he is home.
• The daughter thinks: there something wrong with me. Here is where our childhood state limits us. We can't blame our parents because we need them. It is a terrifying thing for a child to imagine that a parent is wrong (where else will the child go?). In fact, we almost never do. Please understand that as you read this, you can see that the father is being an ass. But a child rarely will be able to see such a thing.
• Therefore, if the parent is not to blame, then the fault is: me. I am at fault, I am the problem, I am the issue. In the example of the daughter, she will feel that my opinion and words don't matter because I am not important and there is something wrong with me. I am worthless and don't have any value and that is why daddy doesn't want me to talk. It is easy to see this as faulty logic as an adult, but a child does not have such mental competence.
• The daughter will now grow up believing this, even as an adult, and will act in a manner consistent with the "story" (I am not worth being heard) she created as a child.
  

One of the purposes of counseling is to find such false stories and "re-tell" them in a manner that is true. In the process, one goes through a few stages that can be terrifying, uncomfortable, and painful. These are stages that I have been through and continue to go through as I discover stories, discover the deeper impact of already-discovered stories, and accept the truth of the newly re-told stories. These stages are not comprehensive or guaranteed to occur in the order listed.

Stage 1: I am not worth being heard because there is something wrong with me.
Stage 2: My parents were idiots and morons and I hate them. (we have identified that the fault is the dad's, not ours and then we switch our anger)
Stage 3: My parents are imperfect and probably have stories of their own they never dealt with.

Stage 1

We must identify the story and the source of the story -- why do I think this way? What was communicated to me, verbally or non-verbally, in my childhood? Who communicated it to me? What happened that caused it to be communicated to me? What am I believing about myself that may not be true? I identify the story, "Something is wrong with me", and then I identify the story's source, "Dad wouldn't listen to me." Once we have identified both, we can then check our conclusion. Just because dad wouldn't listen to me doesn't mean something is wrong with me. Maybe something is wrong with him ! And so we move to...

Stage 2

The years of anger and frustration we have aimed at ourselves comes boiling out at the people who have hurt us. All this time we have felt the fault is ours. We have discovered we were lied too, or treated horribly. The appropriate anger over this is felt and finally directed (sometimes verbally) at the culprit (and not us). Instead of feeling self-loathing, the daughter now feels anger and hurt from the words spoken to her by her dad. She is angry at him because of how he treated her as a child, and for just cause! I have said before that wounds must be felt before they can be healed. This is a very necessary and important part of the healing process. The caution here is when and if to express this to the parent. The daughter may decide not to discuss this with her dad, either because he is unavailable, or would not be receptive. What matters is that she finally identifies the person who was wrong and charges them with the wrong (by "charge" I mean ascribing fault), instead of believing that she was wrong.

Many, if not most, people get stuck before stage 1 or somewhere in stage 2. Either I am angry at myself and don't know why (or I know why and don't care), or I am angry with my parents, and stop there. It is scary to actually move beyond the wounded state and into healing. After all, a broken leg might get me more attention or care than if it were fine. I'd actually have to run the race of life a little faster if this leg were healed.

Stage 3

After accepting the story is false and feeling the anger and hurt towards the people responsible, we are then at a place where we can chose to accept the parent with their mistakes. You cannot skip from "the problem is with me" to this stage -- feeling the hurt and anger is essential to healing. Just as healing is personal, so are the decisions once the story is re-told. In my own life, I have chosen not to have contact with my dad, because he continues his destructive habits towards others. At some point, when I start to understand that I actually have value , it makes me a lot less likely to accept or even be around those who would try to deny it. But that is my choice. It is an extreme one, and likely not one you would have to make. What is important is to create boundaries in your life that are consistent with the new, truthful story. The daughter might think, " I am a person of worth and therefore what I have to say is worth hearing. Therefore, if I am interrupted or told to shut up by my dad in the future, I will gently, but firmly confront him and tell him that I am not finished or I want to talk (or arrange for a better time to talk when he will listen). If he does not respect this stance, then I will not talk to him." Our new boundaries will be met with resistance, both by ourselves and others. Our false story will keep trying to reassert itself and we will regularly have to keep reminding ourselves of its falsehood. And other people may have been spoiled to the "door mat" that we were for them that we will no longer be for them.

This is healing. This is when the person has reached a place of maturity, when a wound has been recognized, felt, and healed. This is when an adult acts as an adult, out of genuine wishes, desires, and choices, instead of wounds, false stories, and a battered self image.

Additional Thoughts

I want to emphasize again that the stages I have listed are not complete nor are they necessary in order. Healing is unique to the individual, and your healing will take a very personal route that is specific to you. The main emphasis of this post is that you are a person of value, and if you do not believe that to be true, you are acting and believing a story that is not true . It is worth identifying and seeking healing from such stories so you can live a whole life.

Growth

I’ve been thinking about growth this morning and its difficulties and challenges. All of us have attributes about us that need growth – either to be eliminated, or changed. It could be pride, fear, procrastination, laziness, anger, drivenness, isolation, judgmental spirit, or a whole host of other things. Sadly, these come from the combination of our sin natures and our family backgrounds. All of our struggles are due to sin; some also are because of a wounded heart.

In my blog titled Excuses a few weeks ago, I listed some of my common excuses for avoiding growth in my life. One of the biggest excuses I have used and use at times is: I can’t do it. I want to look at this one in greater detail.

What is true about the “can’t” word in relation to a character deficiency? If I want to climb a mountain, I certainly can’t climb the entire thing immediately. Nor would it be wise for me to do so alone. I need a guide and I need to focus on what I can do. The guide will tell me what to do and where to go, and focusing on the immediate area (putting my foot here is another step up the mountain) will eventually allow me to get to the top of the mountain.

In my own life, I have used the word “can’t” to describe something that truly was unrealistic and impossible. I can’t be a man who is without fear. But that doesn’t mean I allow fear to remain in my life, or that God doesn’t want me to grow. What it means is that I am looking at the wrong thing. I am looking at the mountain instead of at my Guide. I am looking at the distance I need to go instead of at the step I need to take now. God did not ask Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac as his first act of faith – He developed a relationship with Abram and first brought him out of Ur (and this was at age 75).

I cannot underscore the importance of this in working on weaknesses in your life. If you “can’t”, it may be because you are trying to take too large of a step (trying to be perfect now), or you are trying to take a step in a wounded state. This is not the solution or an easy fix, but rather one way I have avoided growth.

Without a daily relationship with God, you will not grow. This is critical and the first step to any character growth. It is also the area the enemy will attack first. If you find that your relationship with God is not where it needs to be, take this step now! Do not delay, do not put it off any longer. You are trying to climb a mountain without a Guide, scale a rock wall without a harness, trying to cross the ocean without a boat or plane. We are told in Hebrews 12 that when we run the race, we do so with endurance and “fix our eyes on Jesus.”

Without the intimate friendships of other believers who are like-minded, you will not grow. The second change God made in my life was to place me in a group of people who loved Him and who came alongside me and supported me as I grew. You cannot grow alone. You cannot climb alone. And you aren’t expected too. God is relational, and He created us in His image as relational beings.

If there are emotional wounds in your life that are unhealed, you will have great difficulty growing. It is very important to address these if you know they exist in your life. We will have wounds and go through a process of healing all throughout our lives. But wounds from abuse, neglect, and absence of critical people in your early life (father/mother/family/friends) need to be investigated carefully and healed. This is usually done through therapy, and I highly recommend looking into it if you are aware of something in your life that needs to be addressed.

If you don’t grow in the situation you are in now, you will find God changes your situation so you will grow. I have seen this in my life and the lives of my friends. God’s goal for you is not to give you a job with comfort, or that you get married, or that you are successful, but rather that you are conformed to His image and His character. If this means being single, struggling in your job, or living with weakness, then He will put those in your life in order to grow you. I have had relationships fail because I refused to grow. I have had my life turned upside down because I refused to grow and God does not give up (praise His name!). Be careful that in your avoidance of growth you do not invite greater change that will emphasize your need for growth even more (which tends to make the new situation more unpleasant).

If you don’t start now, it will only get more difficult later. I have stated before that time does not heal all wounds and that time does not grow us out of our weaknesses. The saying “old habits die hard” is very true. The older the habit, the harder it is to kill. Imagine your character flaws as mounds of earth. Every day you are either taking the shovel and removing dirt from the mound (by placing it on God for His removal) or you are adding dirt to the mound. The mound is either getting bigger or smaller, based on the decisions you are making every day. C.S. Lewis said “That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger [pride, judgment, procrastination, laziness, fear, etc.] today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible.” (Mere Christianity)

I write the above more to myself than even to you, whoever you may be. These are things I have learned and continue to learn as I grow. How grateful I am that His grace is sufficient, that His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). My encouragement to you is start today. “Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as when they provoked me.” (Hebrews 3:15) “He who began a good work in your will be faithful to complete it.” (Phil. 1:6). And above all, the goal of growth is a deeper relationship with Christ.

Excuses

It is critical as a young person to do what you can to experience healing and work through the issues in your life that you are aware as soon as possible. Healing is an unusual process because it can take time and doesn’t plot an exact course. It goes through high and low periods. But one can cultivate an attitude of openness to healing that will allow it to happen when the time is right. I say it is critical to work through issues while young because if they are not dealt with, they will be passed down to children and negatively effect relationship and work life.

I have identified some of my common excuses I used in order to avoid healing. I want to list these below and address them with a rational response.

I'll grow out of it over time

Wrong. Time does not heal all wounds. A broken leg will heal broken if it is not set and placed in a cast for a period of time. Wounds need attention, wounds need to be felt, wounds need to be addressed. Ignoring them or hoping they will go away will only deepen their impact as more of a false self will be built up around it.

What do I mean by this? One of my father wounds as a child was that my dad called me a coward when I refused to hit him back one evening when he was being abusive. My excuse in the past has been that over time, I'll just get over that and move on. The problem I ran into is that the person in my life I looked up to the most identified me as a coward and so over time, I began to take that to heart. I began to withdraw from various activities, people, and relationships. I began to isolate myself. I didn't see why I was doing it, just as if someone is ignoring a broken leg, they'll wonder why they can't run. Once I allowed myself to experience the range of emotions such words evoke -- hurt, anger, and finally the admission that such a statement was made from my dad's own wounded state, and thus it isn't true – I was able to start moving past those words and make progress.

I can't change/It's just the way I am

This was/is my favorite excuse. What is really true is a few things: I am lazy and don't want to change, I am afraid to change, I don't believe I can change, I don't see how I can change, and I am being arrogant and selfish by not changing. That may seem like quite a mouthful. Please don't misunderstand -- I know that many of our decisions come from being wounded and when our leg is broken, we can't imagine what a sprint is like. But, we must learn not to confuse the fact that we are not healed now as a statement that we will never be healed. Do we believe in God's power to heal us? Then if I am obedient to Him and place myself in His hands, He will heal me. It is pride/laziness/selfishness/fear that will keep me from His healing power. But such resignation is only an excuse for the deeper issues.

I don't need help

I prefer to do things by myself. I am very stubborn about this. But God made us for community and fellowship. God isn't even alone -- He exists in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! And we are made in His image to experience fellowship with people like us! You cannot experience healing alone. It just isn't possible. You need people, whether it is a therapist, close friend, small group, or family members. The first change that God made in my life was to plug me into His community, with His people, so I might have fellowship, encouragement, and strength from them. I could not have experienced any healing without the blessing that my close friends have been to me.

I don’t want to

This is also one of my favorite excuses. It’s really either I am lazy or I am afraid. Usually it is a combination of both, with the latter having much greater weight. One of the habits I learned very quickly is to act in fear by masking my true desires. It is basically killing or denying the heart’s desire. If I convince myself that I don’t really want it, then I don’t have to grow or do what is necessary to get it, to be it, to experience it. All the while fear is laughing inside because it’s not that I don’t want it (usually somewhere I am dying for it), but that I are terrified of the process. And so it hurts me in at least two ways: I deny my heart, slowly taking away my very life, and I don’t experience the growth and character development God wants in me. In a sense, I live a “double” life because I am split between the hearts core desires and the masked pretend wants.

I encourage you to think through some of the excuses you make that block your healing, if this is the case. Do you live a double life with yourself saying one thing, and then doing another? Are there situations in your life that you don’t understand why you act or react the way you do? Do you have longings and desires, but are afraid to act on them? If so, it is a pretty good indication something is there. And the longer you delay, the harder it gets. God is waiting for you!

Jesus Wept

How tenderly Christ leads us into freedom. He is not a bulldozer that comes and rips down the walls of our cell in an instant. He comes into our cell, sits with us, and earns our trust. He empathizes with us in our weaknesses and fears.

The Scriptural example that comes to mind is in John 11 when Christ weeps at the sight of other people weeping over the passing of Lazarus. In this story, one of Christ's closest friends has passed away, and Christ has now entered the city four days after Lazarus' death. He has spoken with Martha and Mary, the brothers of Lazarus, and is surrounded by the crowd mourning the loss of Lazarus.

When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to Him, "Lord, come and see." Jesus wept. (John 11:33-35).

Why did Christ weep, considering He had the power to raise him and did so following His tears? He did so because He went into the pain of the people surrounding Him. In verse 11:33 it says He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled at the sight of all the people weeping. He wasn't troubled because He didn't have the power to heal Lazarus. He was troubled because people were in pain. And so He went into their pain with them, mourned with them, and then raised Lazarus from the dead.

He does the same with healing in our lives. He has the power to change us. He has the power to make us whole. But He doesn't just dismiss our brokenness as – "Ok, let's fix this thing and move on." He mourns with us the hurt and loss. Here is a God who has the power to do anything, and He stops and weeps tears with us at our losses. There is something more to weeping than just the frustration of not being able to change something. There is something to weeping at the pain itself. Pain was never part of His design for us. And it hurts Him as it does us when we experience pain.

Invite Christ into the pain in your life. You will find Him gentle and tender as He enters the place you are at in your healing.

Hair Loss

About a year and a half ago I decided I wanted to do something about my hair loss (aside from using Rogaine, which didn't work well), so I made an appointment with Bosley, which is a hair transplant medical practice. It was a very interesting meeting with the two people I talked to, as they invoked several of the "influence" factors on me, such as reciprocity and consistency (referencing the Caldini Influence book). After discovering the tremendous amount of money I would need to spend not only up front, but for the rest of my life (taking pills, etc.), I decided against it.

The lesson I want to share with you is what I learned from this experience. Before, my hair loss was happening to me. After this meeting, my hair loss became my choice. It was so strange, but I no longer cared about losing my hair. I went home, shaved my head, and have been quite happy about it since. In fact, I tease myself all the time about it. Do you see the emphasis here? In my former state, it was something that I did not have any say over; in the latter, it became something I accepted and chose for my life.

Is there something in your life you are having a difficult time accepting? Is there a way to make it a matter of choice for you? You may find that doing so empowers you in a new way.

Father, Forgive Them

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," said Christ on the cross. This was in the midst of a crowd jeering at Him ("He saved others, let Him save Himself") and Him being in immeasurable pain. In the depth of that pain and in the shocking behavior of the crowd's hypocrisy and insensitivity, He still prayed for their forgiveness.

What strikes me about His statement ("they know not what they do") is that I would expect that the religious leaders of all people would know exactly what they were doing. And yet the words of Christ seem to suggest that they really did not know. It is possible to believe in something (the letter of the Law) so dogmatically that we completely miss the Person behind it (Jesus Christ).

One of my greatest struggles is in the area of judging others. This comes as natural to me as breathing. And yet here I see the Righteous Judge on the cross praying for forgiveness for the people who hated and mocked Him. My judgment of others is rebuked by this passage because I see that no matter how well I think I know someone, there is only one Who really does know, and His words are, "Father, forgive."

Several months ago I acted on my judgmental thoughts towards a friend and added another wound to my friend's heart in doing so. I was grateful to be forgiven and to have reconciliation in that friendship, but the reflection of myself I saw in the mirror of my action was quite unsettling to me. It was one of those wonderful and yet awful times where one truly realizes the condition of the self. Christ sets a radically different example in His words of forgiveness.

"Father, forgive them" means that Christ has discerned the thoughts and intentions of their hearts, He has seen their lives and the woundedness that they have experienced, and He knows everything about them. His words, "for they know not what they do," mean that He knows deep within they act out of fear, pride, blindness, ignorance, or woundedness.

I see the lives of my friends and sometimes when they take action I don't agree with, I tend towards jumping to judgment of them. "They should know better," I think (the "should" word striking again). Who says they should know better? Me? Have I lived their lives? Do I know their wounds? Have I experienced their pain? Do I know what they do and do not know? Who am I to judge their actions when I do not even know their heart? Have I considered my own actions in light of my knowledge of my own heart's condition? Have I acted any better? "You who preach that one should not steal, do you steal?" (Romans 2:21)

I realize that had I been at the cross some 2,000 years ago, I very likely would have joined with the crowd in sneering at Christ, "He saved others, let Him save Himself if He is the Christ." "Prove it," is what I would have demanded. And praise His name He did, for because He stayed on that cross and forgave me, He gave me salvation. The people expected the proof of Christ in His power to remove Himself from the cross, when it was His presence on that cross that was the demonstration of Who He was. It is "the kindness of God that leads you to repentance" (Romans 2:4).

What wounds have I acted from that have demonstrated inconsistent behavior in my actions and words? What ignorance did I act from not knowing that my definition of His salvation would have condemned me (for if He had come off the cross as they demanded, we would all be lost)? What blindness do I have in my heart from my ignorance, fear, wounds, or pride? Christ takes all of these things and more – all of my life into account – when He looks at me. And He speaks words of forgiveness and mercy.

Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do.

Transactional Analysis

I finished reading a book recently with a rather unusual title called, "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?" by John Powell. This was the first book I read by this author and he has quickly moved into my favorite authors list. It is an incredible book filled with great insight. I want to share something that he discusses that is actually in reference to another book called Games People Play regarding transactional analysis.

Most (I say most instead of all) people have three "voices" inside of them (called "ego states"). These are: the Parent, the Child, and the Adult. These ego states are constantly speaking to one another and determining how one feels and what one does. The Parent is the voice of your parent(s) from childhood. The Child is the one in you that is your childhood, the one that is seeking direction, and isn't sure of what to do. The Adult is the grown up (one hopes) of the Child. So what's the big deal? It is this, and this is awesome to see:

When I make a decision, the voices of the Parent and Child can conflict. Let me give you an example. Let's say that I am uncomfortable going to an event I have been invited too. The Child is the one uncomfortable. He is at an uncertain and fearful place. The Parent voice might say, "Quit being a wimp and go. Stop being afraid. It is bad to be afraid." This is where the critical role of the Adult voice comes in. Does the Adult validate the feelings of the Child and step in to defend the Child, or does the Adult simply step aside and let the Adult voice berate the Child for his feelings? In essense, do I speak up in my own defense!?!

This does not mean that I go with the wishes of the Child. I may mean that I speak to the voice of the Parent, invalidate that voice, and then gently speak to the Child voice and reassure him that it will be ok. It is the recognition that I am my own person, my own Adult now, and I can now create a new Parent voice -- the Adult voice -- in my own life that determines my path and listens to my feelings (the Child) as he gives feedback to my wants and needs.

I have found this concept incredibly helpful in the road my road to healing. When I come across situations where I am feeling lost and sense the voice of the Parent stepping in and being critical, I stop and step in with my Adult voice to shut the Parent up, and give the Child the ear and tenderness that he needs.

I haven't done the best job describing this process, so it may seems like "I hear voices". In truth, we do! What matters is not IF we hear voices, but what we do in response to those voices. Will I listen to the "voice of truth", as sung by Casting Crowns, the voice of Christ, the voice of the Adult who has chosen to follow Christ, or will I listen to the voice of condemnation, the voice of perhaps the Parent, or of Satan?

What voice do you listen too?

Satan and Healing

It has been a few months since I have written any thoughts on pain, forgiveness, and healing. I want to focus this post on an enemy of the latter two—Satan.

The men’s group is reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and I have been continuing my reading of The Sacred Romance by Curtis/Eldredge. What was impressed very strongly to me in reading Sacred Romance is the vulnerability of people to Satan. It is fair to say that we believe that Satan hates God. But what can he do with his hatred? God is all-powerful – can Satan successfully attack God directly? Not really. But he can attack God a different way—by attacking the people God loves. The intense hatred that Satan feels for people is his burning hatred for God Himself. Milton, in Paradise Lost, says (quoted in Sacred Romance):

Heav’n, whose high walls fear no assault or siege
Or ambush from the Deep. What if we find some easier enterprise?...
There is a place…
Of some new Race call’d Man, about this time…
In his [God’s] own strength, this place may be expos’d…
By sudden onset, either with Hell fire
To waste his whole Creation, or possess
All as our own, and drive as we were driven
The puny inhabitants, or if not drive
Seduce them to our Party, that their God
May prove their foe, and with repenting hand
Abolish his own works.

I will admit that I am a bit unhappy with being put in the middle of God and Satan’s “disagreement” (to put it lightly). Part of me wants to be a little irritated – really now, can we just all get along? A bit of wishful thinking on my part. It isn’t this way, and wishing it won’t change anything.

How does this relate to healing? Satan does not want you healed. He will do everything in his power to keep you from forgiveness and healing. Because the existence of such in the life of an individual will draw that person closer to the heart of God, and will open wide the gates of ministry towards others. As long as I am covered by anger, bitterness, hatred, and malice toward others, I am blind to my own sin and pain, the pain of others, and to the graciousness of God. A broken back prevents me from looking up… to Him.

What I want to emphasize here is that there is an enemy who does not want your healing. And one of his favorite methods of working is invisibly, so we do not suspect it is he blocking our path. James says to “stand firm and resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (4:7b). This resistance is preceded by our submission to God in humility (see verses 6 and 7a). How interesting that when we stop resisting God and humble ourselves towards Him in obedience, we then have the strength from Him to stand firm and resist. Healing then, depends on the submission of my will to God, and my understanding that there is an enemy that I can only resist in my Father’s strength.

"But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:6-7)