The Grace of No

I am studying the book of 1 Corinthians with some friends and we discussed chapter 7 on Monday, which is on marriage and singleness. For a group of all singles, this can sometimes be a tough topic, especially when the desire for marriage is present, but years have gone without its fulfillment. I graduated college at 20 and fully expected to be married within a couple of years; now, in my upper 30s, I am still single, having never married, and am content with where I am at right now. Had you told me this when I was 20, I would have nearly died. Perhaps one reason God does not (usually) tell us the future is because we can't handle knowing it. I wouldn't have chosen this path in my 20s and certainly had no idea I'd be where I'm at today. God hasn't given me much of what I have asked for and I am better off because of it! He has spared me some catastrophic marriage choices that, while the breakup was painful, following through with the relationship would have been worse. I am incredibly grateful that He continued to say "No" despite my earnest pleading and crying. It is a reflection of His goodness that He has graciously said "No" and given me what I need, not what I wanted or thought I had to have.

Celebrate the grace of the "No" answers that God gives in your life, for His goodness is just as evident in those as it is in His "Yes" answers.

Releasing the Fantasy and Loving the Real

I didn't talk to my dad for seven years. This began a few months after I moved out of his house. It was because the few times I did talk to him in that period were so destructive and hurtful emotionally for me that it took at least a week after each for me to recover. Later, towards the end of the seven years, I was talking with a therapist about my inability to have a relationship with my dad and therefore my continued total blockage of the relationship to protect myself. He said something that really ticked me off: "Your relationship difficulties with your father are your fault."

What!?!

Now I had been in therapy long enough to know that there's gotta be more. But I was pretty ticked off. How dare he tell me that the pain that I experienced each time I saw my dad was my fault! Ok, deep breath. "Please explain."

"These difficulties are your fault because you are expecting your dad to be something he cannot be and yet you continue to approach him and expect him to do, to say, to be what he isn't and cannot be. You are old enough and have seen enough that you both know that this isn't possible and you are able to approach him with enough caution to guide the conversation and interaction around the issues and topics you know will cause you pain."

Whoah!

This changed, and I mean CHANGED, my relationship with my father. You see, before, I went to my dad with the fantasy expectation that I had of the father and son relationship that I had always pictured that we would have when I was an adult. Me, the independent son, inviting him over for beers and a good conversation about deep topics, or calling him on the phone and having an interesting discussion about current events, or asking his advice on something that I was facing. Him, the wise sage, now ready to dispense advice and yet respecting my independence, ready to listen, to offer feedback, and have good discussion that wasn't always in perfect agreement. But here's the reality of my relationship with my dad: that isn't possible. And frankly, for me to expect that of him isn't loving my dad for who he actually is, but loving some fantasy that isn't even him. Sure, it would be great to have that kind of relationship. But that's not what I've been given, it's not what I have. If I was to have any relationship with him, it had to be a real relationship that recognized and respected his limitations (even those he wouldn't recognize or accept about himself).

This has come with a lot of mourning and a lot of sadness, even today. The last two times I have seen him, I have wished for more, but I've had to accept what is, and mourn the loss of what isn't. I can't force him to be what he can't. I must see him and love him as he is. For me that means I don't get to share all of me with him, because I know there are certain ideas and opinions I have that he could not accept and it would add unnecessary pain to the relationship. It's tough to let go of the fantasy. The fantasy "feels" right.. and in a perfect world, it is! But I must accept my dad as fallen, just as I am fallen too. And turn the fullness of my desires, and sorrow, to the Perfect Father in heaven.

Respect in Relationships

Respect is such a critical component in a relationship and in fact is one of the foundational components. James Dobson says that respect precedes love and I believe that he is right (and more recently forgot this truth). An important part of respect is not only being a person who is respectable but also showing respect for yourself. I was talking with David tonight about this and was reading through a couple of personal journal entries from almost two months ago and discovered a mistake I made that I feel like had some negative consequences on the relationship I was in that most recently ended. I had written about a conversation that was had with her in which I foolishly told her that I didn't feel like I deserved her, that I felt like she was above me, that I thought that she was way out of my league. I wince with embarrassment just going back over what I said because it is so ridiculous and silly. But more importantly, I think it damaged some of the respect in the relationship - it displayed a partial lack of respect for myself and came across as "groveling". What is very sad is that up until that point, things were going very well for us. But barely three days later, we had our first big "oh no" conversation where she started sharing doubts about things she was having trouble accepting in me - some that were natural expressions of the core of who I am. I wonder if when I came across as putting her on a higher 'plane' than I that it gave more power in the relationship to her and there started to be an imbalance of respect. And instead of respecting myself and staying true to who I was in some of these areas, I was more willing to look at myself, make changes, and modify behavior in order to satisfy her doubts. Was my 'grovel session' simply a catalyst that opened the door to existing doubts being shared that had already been present well before it? Alas, this plays the 'what if' game which is kind of silly. However, I feel like I've learned a couple of valuable lessons in this: respect is crucial in relationship - not only for the other person, but also for oneself; and there isn't anyone who I don't deserve or who is 'out of my league'.

I am me

I am me
I'm what you see
My heart on sleeve
It's loud and free
I am me.

I am me
Romantic I
Movies I cry
Passion does fly
I am me.

I am me
My voice is loud
I am too proud
By life I'm wow'd
I am me.

I am me
Opinions too
I have a few
Reduce I do
I am me.

I am me
Slurp through a straw
With loud guffaws
Without much cause
I am me.

I am me
Work in progress
I do confess
Imperfect, yes
I am me.

I am me
Not change will I
To satisfy
Where mind might fly
I am me.

I am me
To live as free
Not people please
But just to be
I am me.

I am me
From this my heart
It is a start
To show a part
I am me.

I am me
This I must stress
Not to impress
Nor make you less
I am me.

I am me
All I can do
Is say to you
That this is true
I am me.

I am me
Within His love
Covered by blood
Scrubbing the mud
I am me.

I am me
I am in Christ
Bought with great price
By love enticed
I am me.

I am me
Imperfect be
Finish will He
This work to free
I am me.

I am me
Jesus in thee
Does make me see
That you are you
And
I am me.

Needs of Men versus Women

In his excellent book, His Needs, Her Needs, Dr. Harley details the top five needs of men and women. The needs below are generally true of men and women, though it is possible to have any of the needs below, or even one not listed.

5 Major Needs of Women:

Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment

5 Major Needs of Men:

Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Admiration, Domestic Support

"That Girl"

Recently, the concept of “that girl” has crossed my radar and it has caused me to think about men’s expectations of women that women think/perceive men to have that causes a woman to judge herself based on those perceived expectations. What I mean by “that girl” is the “cool” girl that lets her man be free to do what he wants. I want to suggest some thoughts on this concept.

First, some of what men expect simply isn’t realistic. If a man expects a woman to allow him to break his promises, to be irresponsible, to be careless, to treat her poorly, then it is the man that is wrong, not the woman who isn’t that way. This may be very obvious, but I still want to be sure that it is clearly stated. So, I would suggest that if a woman is judging herself based on what she perceives men to expect/desire, first ask yourself if those perceived expectations are even reasonable.

Second, there are times when each partner needs something from the other person. Certainly, there are times that you don’t care if he spends an evening or weekend with his guy friends, but there are also times when you need him to be there for you. That is reasonable and normal (as long as it is not excessive, like every day). One of my friends became very upset when his girlfriend came back from a week-long cruise and then wanted to take a weekend trip with her girls the following weekend. This is an example from a guy’s point of view, but I think it still applies.

And third, it greatly depends on the character of the one you are with. My aunt trusted my uncle completely to go anywhere and do anything (as long as he had spent time with her beforehand) because she knew his character. She knew he would be completely faithful to her. She never questioned his faithfulness, and never had too.

If you are finding yourself doubting the person you are in a relationship with (this applies to both sexes), ask yourself what it reveals about both of you – the character of your partner and yourself.

Darkness and light

A couple of years ago my friend John attended the men’s group when we were discussing the Every Young Man’s Battle book. He made a statement that has stayed with me and has been something I have come back to frequently. In our discussion of the sins men struggle with, specifically the sexual ones, John said, “darkness cannot survive in the light.” I believe this to be one of the most helpful statements I have heard, and I want to walk through some of my thoughts regarding this.

Sin thrives and grows in darkness. It shrivels and dies when it is brought to the light – of God’s word, of accountability with Christian friends, of real honesty with the self. I have learned that the more I hide my sin, the harder it is to fight it, and the more I lose. The more I am open about my sin to those around me, the easier it is to resist and overcome it.

Men, I want to address you for a second. God holds you accountable for the purity of any relationship with the opposite sex (recall God came to Adam first in the garden). In my opinion, you cannot maintain this alone. It is almost impossible to maintain this purity if you do not have strong accountability in your life. What I mean by this is that you are honest with other men in your life about what physical boundaries you have and how you do each and every time you interact with the opposite sex. Some of you reading this might think this is excessive. “But I see her as holy and a sister in Christ and so I don’t need accountability.” Just wait until you and/or her aren’t in a holy mood and see how well you resist. This is not in reference to my present situation, but just something I have observed and even find myself making sure I am on my guard against. One of the greatest protections I have in my current relationship is the four men in my life who are constantly asking me how I am doing. If you don’t have this, set it up now. Draw the line, set the standard, and keep dragging the darkness into the light so it does not hurt you and the one you are with! Girls, encourage your man to seek and maintain accountability!

Back to addressing everyone. It is a strange thing that bringing light to sin makes it easier to fight. But I have found repeatedly that when I hide my sin, I lose; when I confess it, I start to overcome it. James 5 says we are to “confess our sins to one another and pray for one another, so we may be healed.” It is not so that we can judge each other, but so we aren’t alone. Satan prowls around us like a roaring lion, and a lion on a hunt wants to isolate the prey from the herd. Fight isolation and the tendency to hide.

One of the ways I know I need to be accountable with my boys is by checking how I would feel by telling them what just transpired. If I wince or am embarrassed by the thought, I know I need to tell them, for my pride and flesh are fighting back. And when I tell them, I feel better – because it is brought to the light and I know they are praying for me and are aware of my struggles. This has been one of the better gauges for me to know when darkness is creeping in. Are there things in your life where the thought of telling one of your close friends about it actually makes you feel uncomfortable? It might be time to consider bringing light to darkness.

Relationship Threats

Relationship Threats

I don’t have a great amount of relationship experience, but these last few months have been a great eye-opener to me about many things involving relationships. It is one thing to read about them – it is quite another to actually live it! I have observed several things in myself that I want to share, specifically regarding what I consider some of the greatest threats (coming from the flesh) to a successful relationship. I believe these not only apply to relationships with the opposite sex, but also all types of friendships and family interactions.

Pride

This is one of the deadly sins, and one of those that God specifically says He hates (stated several times in Proverbs). From this sin comes judgmental behavior and thoughts (“I am better than you”), arrogance, distance, stubbornness, and even feeds selfishness. C.S. Lewis said that pride is essentially competitive in its nature, and how deep and intimate can any relationship be if one is constantly competing with the loved one? I had separated pride and stubbornness, but I personally think that the stubborn sin’s source is pride and selfishness.

Selfishness

This is an insidious enemy and one that in my opinion will kill love faster than most things. Men are commanded to love as Christ loved the church – sacrificial servant leadership. One simply cannot sacrifice and serve through being selfish. Selfishness is the opposite of sacrifice and service. How can I focus on meeting your needs and carefully listening to your desires, wants, hurts, frustrations, and joys if I am self-focused? Christ said to follow Him we must take up our cross daily and follow Him. He paints a picture of dying to self, daily, but even more of what I am finding to be true, hour by hour and minute by minute.

Fear

This is nasty sin, especially because it is so often is covered by lies and deceit. Perhaps “I don’t want to do that” – I claim to be selfish, when perhaps I am really afraid of doing it. Fear loves to hide. Fear will many times manifest itself through other emotions and frustrations. Men, this is especially true with anger. I have said before (and it is not me saying it, but well-documented and known psychology) that anger is not a primary emotion – that it reveals something deeper. Many times, anger is covering fear.

There are many other sins of the flesh that threaten relationships, but these three seem to be fairly significant, in at least my life. And I am learning that God is not interested in me being less selfish, but not being selfish at all. Yes, that is practically not possible, but that is the goal. He does not accept an excuse on my part such as, “Well, I’ve been pretty unselfish this last week, so I can be selfish today.” No, each day we must die to ourselves, and live to Him. I say must intentionally here – because if not, it only creates strain and hurt in our relationships and friendships.