2009 Reading List

In an attempt to keep track of the books I have read, I am going to start doing an annual reading list.  Here are the books (those I can remember) that I read in 2009, in alphabetical order:

• 7 Harry Potter books by J. K. Rowling
• A Conflict of Visions by Thomas Sowell
• Capitalism and Freedom by Milton Friedman
• Charm School by Nelson DeMille
• Common Sense* by Thomas Paine
• Darkness Falls by Kyle Mills
• Economic Facts and Fallacies by Thomas Sowell
• End the Fed by Ron Paul
• Extreme Measures by Vince Flynn
• First Family by David Baldacci
• Founding Brothers by Joseph J. Ellis
• Free to Choose by Milton Friedman
• Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
• Letters to a Young Conservative by Dinesh D’Souza
• Male and Female by Margaret Mead
• Men and Marriage by George Gilder
• Mere Christianity* by C.S. Lewis
• Pursuit of Honor by Vince Flynn
• Solving the Riddle of Self by John Powell
• The 5,000 Year Leap by W. Cleon Skousen
• The Cato Handbook for Policymakers by The Cato Institute
• The Closing of the American Mind by Alan Bloom
• The Constitution of the United States: Its Sources and Its Application by Thomas James Norton
• The Discipline of Grace by Jerry Bridges
• The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard
• The First American: The Life and Times of Benjamin Franklin by H.W. Brands
• The Law* by Bastiat
• The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
• The Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen
• The Quest for Cosmic Justice by Thomas Sowell
• The Revolution by Ron Paul
• The Road to Serfdom (Reader’s Digest Version)* by F.A. Hayek
• The Tempting of America by Robert Bork
• What Has the Government Done to our Money* by Murray Rothbard
• Windows of the Soul by Ken Gire
• Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen

*Available online for free from Google Scholar or other sources

Marriage and a Ropes Course

I have previously had an opinion that an ironclad commitment in marriage is unrealistic, because either party can change, and the change could be for the worse. The idea of staying married no matter what seemed a little extreme. What about abuse, affairs, or giving up? I have been told by a married friend of mine that it wouldn't matter. Really? I didn't believe him, mainly because I see my humanity and feel that at some point in a bad marriage, I'd be done. (Now, his belief is that it wouldn't stay bad if you keep trying.)

This weekend I did a ropes course and was very surprised by what I experienced in doing it. Before doing it, I wasn't sure I could do it. I didn't know about finishing. I set my goal to be at least make it through the first part of it. Here was the shock. When I set foot on the course, something clicked in my head and there was no going back. I was going to finish. There was no question about it. Something inside of me knew I could and would finish. There were a couple of things I have never tried in my life, that I've been deathly afraid of, and something inside of me did not allow any hesitation. It was a feeling that I had made a decision and I was going to follow through with it, no matter what fears or difficulty I faced. I was securely fastened and I would be fine.

How does this relate to marriage? I feel the idea of marriage is very intimidating... it is for life! But experiencing the ropes course over the weekend made me realize that when the decision is made, something inside of the brain changes and there is a commitment to the decision that could almost be described as irrational! Perhaps this is one of the part that love plays in a relationship--it causes us to do things that normally our brain would determine as irrational (not that I am suggesting to abandon yourself to emotions and ignore your mind; there is room for wisdom and making smart choices).

The presence of Christ in my life as my Lord is the truth of being securely fastened in the course--that even if I fall, He will catch me, pick me up, and set me back on the course. As I navigate through life, in the experiences of a relationship, work, marriage, friendships, or school, He is the harness around my waist, the rope that fastens to me, and the anchor that keeps me safe.

Values versus Preferences

My therapist had me go over "the List" with her this week and she brought up the concept of values versus preferences to categorize the list items. "The List" is that list of items we currently want/need in a member of the opposite sex. I say "currently" because in my experience that has changed as I have grown. What she said was that it is important that values are the same between two people; preferences on the other hand can be worked out.

Let me give an example of each. One of my "value" list items is a woman who is committed to Jesus Christ and is actively pursuing a relationship with Him. This is a value list item because Christ is so core to my life.

However, a preference list item might be "someone who enjoys reading together." This is (usually) not something that is fundamentally different between two people that shapes and forms the direction and thoughts of their life. And usually a preference difference can be worked out. In this example, perhaps the reader adjusts expectations of how frequently a book is read together, and the non-reader is a more open to reading together.

Let me give another example. I do not want to be with someone who is a regular smoker. At first glance, this could be a preference. But the preference is strong enough that it could be considered a value, and may be even more so if one considers the health implications involved. What is underneath this preference is a value in my life of maintaining good health habits.

So it helps to even dig deeper in the list and discover the “why” under each item – maybe underneath some of the seemingly innocent or even strong preferences are values. And still others may be truly preferences.

I thought this distinction was very helpful in evaluating items on “the list”. What do I truly value and what do I simply prefer? In other words, what are my “must haves” and why are my “would like to haves”?

The Bachelor/Bachelorette Party

I am not at a place in my life where this is a concern of mine, but I have had some thoughts regarding this event that I want to share. The primary point here is to think through some of the appropriateness of certain things occurring at such a party.

There seems to be a common attitude among many singles that the bachelor/bachelorette party is one last hurrah of the single life experience before marriage begins. While the idea of living a single life to its fullest is one I entirely support, I think certain activities at this particular hurrah can be inappropriate. It is my opinion that when you decide to be in a committed relationship with someone, and especially the day you agree to marry someone, it is not appropriate to look back. If you have doubts or wish to dabble once again in single life, you are not at a place where you need to be married. A verse comes to mind that Christ shared in reference to committing to His kingdom:

No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God. (Luke 9:62).

I would suggest that the same applies to marriage. If you are at a place in your life where you feel the need to have a party and “live it up” one last time (in ways disrespectful to a committed relationship), you aren’t ready to begin married life. Once you make that decision to marry, go forward. Sure, go into it with your eyes wide open (or at least half open), but do so fully committed to your beloved with the spirit of respect and love that the commitment between the two of you entails.

I am not suggesting not to have a party. What I am suggesting is to do things at the party that are appropriate for committed life. You arent single any more - those days ended when you agreed to be exclusive with the person, and they certainly ended when you agreed to marriage. Let me suggest a few questions that determine the appropriateness of activity at such a party:

1) Would you do such activity if Christ were there? (since He is)
2) Would you do such activity if your fiancée were there?
3) Would you do such activity and be able to look your fiancée in the eye and tell them exactly what you did?
4) Is such activity respectful both to the wishes of Christ and to the love and respect that you share with your fiancée?

If you can answer a resounding Yes to all four of the questions above, then such activity is appropriate.

No one who puts his/her hand to [a committed relationship] and looks back is [ready] for [the institution of marriage].