The Grace of No

I am studying the book of 1 Corinthians with some friends and we discussed chapter 7 on Monday, which is on marriage and singleness. For a group of all singles, this can sometimes be a tough topic, especially when the desire for marriage is present, but years have gone without its fulfillment. I graduated college at 20 and fully expected to be married within a couple of years; now, in my upper 30s, I am still single, having never married, and am content with where I am at right now. Had you told me this when I was 20, I would have nearly died. Perhaps one reason God does not (usually) tell us the future is because we can't handle knowing it. I wouldn't have chosen this path in my 20s and certainly had no idea I'd be where I'm at today. God hasn't given me much of what I have asked for and I am better off because of it! He has spared me some catastrophic marriage choices that, while the breakup was painful, following through with the relationship would have been worse. I am incredibly grateful that He continued to say "No" despite my earnest pleading and crying. It is a reflection of His goodness that He has graciously said "No" and given me what I need, not what I wanted or thought I had to have.

Celebrate the grace of the "No" answers that God gives in your life, for His goodness is just as evident in those as it is in His "Yes" answers.

Respect in Relationships

Respect is such a critical component in a relationship and in fact is one of the foundational components. James Dobson says that respect precedes love and I believe that he is right (and more recently forgot this truth). An important part of respect is not only being a person who is respectable but also showing respect for yourself. I was talking with David tonight about this and was reading through a couple of personal journal entries from almost two months ago and discovered a mistake I made that I feel like had some negative consequences on the relationship I was in that most recently ended. I had written about a conversation that was had with her in which I foolishly told her that I didn't feel like I deserved her, that I felt like she was above me, that I thought that she was way out of my league. I wince with embarrassment just going back over what I said because it is so ridiculous and silly. But more importantly, I think it damaged some of the respect in the relationship - it displayed a partial lack of respect for myself and came across as "groveling". What is very sad is that up until that point, things were going very well for us. But barely three days later, we had our first big "oh no" conversation where she started sharing doubts about things she was having trouble accepting in me - some that were natural expressions of the core of who I am. I wonder if when I came across as putting her on a higher 'plane' than I that it gave more power in the relationship to her and there started to be an imbalance of respect. And instead of respecting myself and staying true to who I was in some of these areas, I was more willing to look at myself, make changes, and modify behavior in order to satisfy her doubts. Was my 'grovel session' simply a catalyst that opened the door to existing doubts being shared that had already been present well before it? Alas, this plays the 'what if' game which is kind of silly. However, I feel like I've learned a couple of valuable lessons in this: respect is crucial in relationship - not only for the other person, but also for oneself; and there isn't anyone who I don't deserve or who is 'out of my league'.

Darkness and light

A couple of years ago my friend John attended the men’s group when we were discussing the Every Young Man’s Battle book. He made a statement that has stayed with me and has been something I have come back to frequently. In our discussion of the sins men struggle with, specifically the sexual ones, John said, “darkness cannot survive in the light.” I believe this to be one of the most helpful statements I have heard, and I want to walk through some of my thoughts regarding this.

Sin thrives and grows in darkness. It shrivels and dies when it is brought to the light – of God’s word, of accountability with Christian friends, of real honesty with the self. I have learned that the more I hide my sin, the harder it is to fight it, and the more I lose. The more I am open about my sin to those around me, the easier it is to resist and overcome it.

Men, I want to address you for a second. God holds you accountable for the purity of any relationship with the opposite sex (recall God came to Adam first in the garden). In my opinion, you cannot maintain this alone. It is almost impossible to maintain this purity if you do not have strong accountability in your life. What I mean by this is that you are honest with other men in your life about what physical boundaries you have and how you do each and every time you interact with the opposite sex. Some of you reading this might think this is excessive. “But I see her as holy and a sister in Christ and so I don’t need accountability.” Just wait until you and/or her aren’t in a holy mood and see how well you resist. This is not in reference to my present situation, but just something I have observed and even find myself making sure I am on my guard against. One of the greatest protections I have in my current relationship is the four men in my life who are constantly asking me how I am doing. If you don’t have this, set it up now. Draw the line, set the standard, and keep dragging the darkness into the light so it does not hurt you and the one you are with! Girls, encourage your man to seek and maintain accountability!

Back to addressing everyone. It is a strange thing that bringing light to sin makes it easier to fight. But I have found repeatedly that when I hide my sin, I lose; when I confess it, I start to overcome it. James 5 says we are to “confess our sins to one another and pray for one another, so we may be healed.” It is not so that we can judge each other, but so we aren’t alone. Satan prowls around us like a roaring lion, and a lion on a hunt wants to isolate the prey from the herd. Fight isolation and the tendency to hide.

One of the ways I know I need to be accountable with my boys is by checking how I would feel by telling them what just transpired. If I wince or am embarrassed by the thought, I know I need to tell them, for my pride and flesh are fighting back. And when I tell them, I feel better – because it is brought to the light and I know they are praying for me and are aware of my struggles. This has been one of the better gauges for me to know when darkness is creeping in. Are there things in your life where the thought of telling one of your close friends about it actually makes you feel uncomfortable? It might be time to consider bringing light to darkness.

Relationship Threats

Relationship Threats

I don’t have a great amount of relationship experience, but these last few months have been a great eye-opener to me about many things involving relationships. It is one thing to read about them – it is quite another to actually live it! I have observed several things in myself that I want to share, specifically regarding what I consider some of the greatest threats (coming from the flesh) to a successful relationship. I believe these not only apply to relationships with the opposite sex, but also all types of friendships and family interactions.

Pride

This is one of the deadly sins, and one of those that God specifically says He hates (stated several times in Proverbs). From this sin comes judgmental behavior and thoughts (“I am better than you”), arrogance, distance, stubbornness, and even feeds selfishness. C.S. Lewis said that pride is essentially competitive in its nature, and how deep and intimate can any relationship be if one is constantly competing with the loved one? I had separated pride and stubbornness, but I personally think that the stubborn sin’s source is pride and selfishness.

Selfishness

This is an insidious enemy and one that in my opinion will kill love faster than most things. Men are commanded to love as Christ loved the church – sacrificial servant leadership. One simply cannot sacrifice and serve through being selfish. Selfishness is the opposite of sacrifice and service. How can I focus on meeting your needs and carefully listening to your desires, wants, hurts, frustrations, and joys if I am self-focused? Christ said to follow Him we must take up our cross daily and follow Him. He paints a picture of dying to self, daily, but even more of what I am finding to be true, hour by hour and minute by minute.

Fear

This is nasty sin, especially because it is so often is covered by lies and deceit. Perhaps “I don’t want to do that” – I claim to be selfish, when perhaps I am really afraid of doing it. Fear loves to hide. Fear will many times manifest itself through other emotions and frustrations. Men, this is especially true with anger. I have said before (and it is not me saying it, but well-documented and known psychology) that anger is not a primary emotion – that it reveals something deeper. Many times, anger is covering fear.

There are many other sins of the flesh that threaten relationships, but these three seem to be fairly significant, in at least my life. And I am learning that God is not interested in me being less selfish, but not being selfish at all. Yes, that is practically not possible, but that is the goal. He does not accept an excuse on my part such as, “Well, I’ve been pretty unselfish this last week, so I can be selfish today.” No, each day we must die to ourselves, and live to Him. I say must intentionally here – because if not, it only creates strain and hurt in our relationships and friendships.

Values versus Preferences

My therapist had me go over "the List" with her this week and she brought up the concept of values versus preferences to categorize the list items. "The List" is that list of items we currently want/need in a member of the opposite sex. I say "currently" because in my experience that has changed as I have grown. What she said was that it is important that values are the same between two people; preferences on the other hand can be worked out.

Let me give an example of each. One of my "value" list items is a woman who is committed to Jesus Christ and is actively pursuing a relationship with Him. This is a value list item because Christ is so core to my life.

However, a preference list item might be "someone who enjoys reading together." This is (usually) not something that is fundamentally different between two people that shapes and forms the direction and thoughts of their life. And usually a preference difference can be worked out. In this example, perhaps the reader adjusts expectations of how frequently a book is read together, and the non-reader is a more open to reading together.

Let me give another example. I do not want to be with someone who is a regular smoker. At first glance, this could be a preference. But the preference is strong enough that it could be considered a value, and may be even more so if one considers the health implications involved. What is underneath this preference is a value in my life of maintaining good health habits.

So it helps to even dig deeper in the list and discover the “why” under each item – maybe underneath some of the seemingly innocent or even strong preferences are values. And still others may be truly preferences.

I thought this distinction was very helpful in evaluating items on “the list”. What do I truly value and what do I simply prefer? In other words, what are my “must haves” and why are my “would like to haves”?

The Bachelor/Bachelorette Party

I am not at a place in my life where this is a concern of mine, but I have had some thoughts regarding this event that I want to share. The primary point here is to think through some of the appropriateness of certain things occurring at such a party.

There seems to be a common attitude among many singles that the bachelor/bachelorette party is one last hurrah of the single life experience before marriage begins. While the idea of living a single life to its fullest is one I entirely support, I think certain activities at this particular hurrah can be inappropriate. It is my opinion that when you decide to be in a committed relationship with someone, and especially the day you agree to marry someone, it is not appropriate to look back. If you have doubts or wish to dabble once again in single life, you are not at a place where you need to be married. A verse comes to mind that Christ shared in reference to committing to His kingdom:

No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God. (Luke 9:62).

I would suggest that the same applies to marriage. If you are at a place in your life where you feel the need to have a party and “live it up” one last time (in ways disrespectful to a committed relationship), you aren’t ready to begin married life. Once you make that decision to marry, go forward. Sure, go into it with your eyes wide open (or at least half open), but do so fully committed to your beloved with the spirit of respect and love that the commitment between the two of you entails.

I am not suggesting not to have a party. What I am suggesting is to do things at the party that are appropriate for committed life. You arent single any more - those days ended when you agreed to be exclusive with the person, and they certainly ended when you agreed to marriage. Let me suggest a few questions that determine the appropriateness of activity at such a party:

1) Would you do such activity if Christ were there? (since He is)
2) Would you do such activity if your fiancée were there?
3) Would you do such activity and be able to look your fiancée in the eye and tell them exactly what you did?
4) Is such activity respectful both to the wishes of Christ and to the love and respect that you share with your fiancée?

If you can answer a resounding Yes to all four of the questions above, then such activity is appropriate.

No one who puts his/her hand to [a committed relationship] and looks back is [ready] for [the institution of marriage].

The Inner Desire

How do we deal with disappointment and loss? What do we do when we lose something we want? What actions, attitudes, and things do we tell ourselves when we experience those disappointments, losses, and desires that seemingly remained unfulfilled and unmet?

What I want to attempt to illustrate here is something that I believe may be helpful in dealing with future disappointment with desires. It is something I stumbled across while journaling one morning regarding my own desires.

God tells us in the Psalms that when we delight in Him, He will grant us the desires of our heart. Many of the desires are part of His imprint. While our sin nature taints and distorts the desires, the root or core of it is still good—because it is placed within us by One Who is good.

I find that the distinction I fail to make when it comes to desires is the separation of the concrete from the core desire. What do I mean by this? Let me use an example that I think almost everyone is familiar with—the experience of dating and breaking up.

What is the core or root desire in dating? It is (by God’s design) to share one’s life with another (and there are even deeper desires under this, but I want to leave that for a future post). What I think happens as dating relationships begin and progress is that the core desire is transposed into the desire to be with the individual. The abstract desire finds a concrete manifestation with a person. The desire moves from “I want to share my life with someone” to “I want to be with person X.” I see no issue with this happening—I think it is both normal and good.

However, what happens in a break up? Here is where I think the danger lies. It is easy to feel that the desire is lost and will never happen. What is known and true is that the desire to be with person X will not happen. But let us make the careful separation of that desire and what is really underneath—the “inner desire”—to be with someone. We have confused the core desire with its present instance. And when that instance is lost, we confuse the losing of that instance to the loss of the core. In no way is this true.

As we progress through the process of healing and mourning losses, I think it valuable to separate the real from the possible. When the possible does not happen (in our example, being with person X), it does not mean that the real will not happen (being with someone). And choosing to believe that will not be easy.

A core desire (loses its separation from) >> the “implementation” of a desire (and when we lose the “implementation”) >> we feel the core desire is lost. (this is not true)

A core desire (is good, and because of sin) >> we will gain and lose “satisfactions” of it (but) >> the core desire is good and still remains (and will be fulfilled).

I hope that I have communicated this in a manner that is understandable. I cannot underscore its importance (in my opinion) to how we work through losses.

Dating Discussion

Last night over the usual Point dinner at Red Hot and Blue a few of us ended up talking about the whole dating thing. It was an interesting discussion, but I noticed something that seems to be a common theme with most single people. It is this: singles don't know what they want.

Now, before I get jumped on for making such a statement, feel free to read on for a bit and then you can tear me apart :). What I mean by saying this is that it seems that there is such a concern for finding someone else that less time is spent being the right person. How can one know what one is looking for if one does not know who he or she is? It appears to me that the real issue in not knowing what we want is not that we don't know what it is, it is that we don't know ourselves.

I believe that the proper course of dating, should one decide to pursue that route, is to begin with the self. I think this is absolutely critical for a man because he is required to be a leader in the relationship. I wonder how many girls have been frustrated by men because the man they were with had no clue what he was doing or where he was going. We do not begin by finding someone else, we begin by being the person we are made to be. Difficult road? Certainly. Lonely at times? No doubt.

How will you know when you are at the right place? One test I might suggest is this: you know you are ready when you would rather spend the rest of your life single than be with the wrong person. And the wrong person is anyone who will require you to change the person you are. And in order to know that, it begins with you.