Les Mis and Grace

Last night I saw my favorite musical, Les Miserables, in Dallas.  It is one of the best pictures of the difference between law and grace.  This is an area I struggle with, especially leaning towards the law side, and missing or not realizing the presence of grace.

The contrast is most powerful as you see the two lead characters, Jean Valjean and Javert, come to face with a kind of grace that neither understands.  For Valjean, grace is given when he steals the silver of a bishop, who not only forgives him, but gives Valjean the rest of his silver.  Javert is astonished when Valjean lets him go instead of killing him, when Javert has hunted Valjean his entire life.  Both are forced to “do” something with this grace.  Each makes a different choice, but both with a death.

For Valjean, he realizes that his previous life must end – he can no longer live as he has: angry, defensive, thinking the world is only out to get him.  How difficult, after being in prison for almost 20 years, for stealing a loaf of bread.  And thus Valjean surrenders to the grace and becomes a changed man.  Bound and ruined by the law, he is freed and transformed by grace.

For Javert, he has lived his entire life within the rules, following the letter of the law.  He has no room for grace, no room to allow Valjean to go free, even when Valjean did not kill him when he had opportunity.  He cannot continue to live as he has – legalistic, exacting, and unbending.  But unfortunately, Javert is unable to embrace grace and instead kills himself.

What is the difference between the two?  Why was Valjean able to accept grace but Javert was not?  I think it is because one understood his real state and the other did not.  Valjean was a criminal and therefore grace was his only option for freedom.  Javert, on the other hand, lived a “perfect” law-abiding life and therefore had no need for grace.  Freedom for Valjean was through grace.  Freedom for Javert was through obedience to the law.  In the end, who was free?

Galatians 5:1 says that “it was for freedom that Christ set us free."  Christ set us free from the law, purchasing our freedom through his death, and offering it freely to us through grace.  As you celebrate this Christmas season, remember that it is through Him that you and I are able to truly live freely.  Merry Christmas!

I also blogged about these same scenes in Les Mis here.

Understanding your way

Proverbs 14:8 says: The wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way, but the folly of fools is deceit. This struck me as emphasizing the value of knowing one's self. Understanding one's way is knowing the why behind one's actions. Given the context of the first part of this verse, perhaps the second part is suggesting that the opposite (foolish) is to continue to lie to one's self. Not knowing one's self is folly. Not spending the time to understand one's way forces one to lie both to the self and to others. While that understanding takes great time and energy, it is incredibly freeing.

Steve Jobs

In light of his passing away yesterday, it is well worth reading what he said about living:

http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html

The love of Christ, Harry Potter, and Addison Road

This morning I was meditating on the love of Christ and read in Ephesians 3:14-19:

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

The love of Christ is to provide the base for everything I do. Rooted and grounded are words that indicate roots, foundation, depth, and certainty. I remember reading that the measurement words here are also used in astronomy, so the picture Paul writes here is one of the solar system, universe, the sheer immensity of the love of Christ. The foundation has no end to it!

Not only does Christ’s love provide a foundation, but it also gives me a covering. If you remember the story of Harry Potter and how his mother died trying to save him when Voldemort came to kill him, the killing curse that Voldemort cast at Harry rebounded back onto Voldemort. The death of Harry’s mother cast a shield of protection around him – it was her love, and thus her death, that protected Harry from the killing (remember it was one of the unstoppable) curse. In the same way, Christ’s death covers me from the curse of death and I am saved because of His love. Death kills itself because Christ stands between me and death, having died once and for all out of His love. The love of Christ is a covering.

And one more – the love of Christ provides me with the ability to be authentic. One of my favorite songs by Addison Road expresses this much better than I can (my emphasis):

Who I Am In You by Addison Road

Secrets they were killing me
Pulled me under in too deep
All those shadows they don't let go
Easily

But everything I covered up
Is opening inside Your love
Let Your grace illuminate
The heart in me

Oh, You're bringing me to life
And I'm finding who I am in You
Who I am in You
Oh, You're changing me inside
And I'm finding who I am in You
Who I am in You

Breath Your breath into my soul
Let my heart beat with Your own
I need Your mercy
Even when it hurts
Please shine on me
Shine on me

Oh, You're bringing me to life
And I'm finding who I am in You
Who I am in You
Oh, You're changing me inside
And I'm finding who I am in You
Who I am

If there's anything I try to hide
I pray that You will bring it to the light
Strip away the lies that I pretend
Teach me how to be a child again

Resting in Your arms
Resting in Your arms
And I could feel Your love changing me

Oh, You're bringing me to life
And I'm finding who I am in You
Who I am in You
Oh, I've finally realized
That I'm finding who I am in You
Who I am
In You
Who I am in You
Who I am in You

This is an amazing song, but more than that, it reflects an amazing truth. His gentle love strips the lies and facades built to protect my real self and provides me with the freedom to actually be the real me.

There is so much more that the love of Christ provides, but this morning, this is what He has impressed upon me. I hope you find it encouraging as well.

Government Default Hysteria

There is a lot of fuss these days about the chaos and breakdown to society should those on Capitol Hill fail to pass a bill allowing the government to continue borrowing money.  One of the statements that keeps getting made is that the Federal government would "default" on its debt and that would be the worst possible thing.  Most of this is just hype, emotions, and nonsense.

 

The Federal government is spending around $3.8 trillion annually, with interest on the debt just over $400 billion annually.  We are running about a $1.4-1.6 trillion deficit and thus "need" to borrow that amount to continue spending at present levels.

 

Can I point out a couple of obvious things?  First, a default on debt is only a default if you stop making payments!  With the numbers above, we can still make payments, we just can't continue spending at our present levels.  Second, nothing is going to crash and burn.  The markets aren't going to fail.  Again, all this talk of 'default' is just emotion and crying wolf.  I think the leadership in Washington is afraid that if they didn't get the debt limit increased, and nothing happened, it would provide more evidence that we actually don't need the government to spend our future away!

 

As for the talk of compromise, a $2-4 trillion deal is nonsense.  Spread out over 10 years, that comes to $200-400 billion per year.  We are running $1,500 billion per year over budget.  $200 billion is a waste of our time and energy.  When they start talking about $10 trillion over 10 years in savings with a balanced-budget amendment, then we might have something!  Until the, the man behind the curtain is blowing smoke to cover his butt.  Does the leadership in Washington have the guts for this?  Alas, no.  But let's not fool ourselves into thinking anything is being solved, nor be fooled into thinking any disaster will strike were they not to do something.  Perhaps the best that could happen is for them to do nothing.  Now wouldn't that be something.

2010 Reading List

So here was my reading list for 2010 - of the list below, if you want a couple of must-reads, I'd recommend Inside Out for spiritual development and New Deal or Raw Deal for history/politics.

• A Culture of Fear by Barry Glassner
• American Assassin by Vince Flynn
• Breach of Trust by DiAnn Mills
• Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders by Willard Harley
• Capitol Offense by William Bernhardt
• Courage and Consequence by Karl Rove
• Damned Lies and Statistics by Joel Best
• Federalist Papers* by Madison, Hamilton, Jay
  
• Guardian of Lies by Steve Martini
• Inside Out by Larry Crabb
• Liberty and Tyranny by Mark Levin
• Life of the Beloved by Nouwen
• New Deal or Raw Deal by Burton Folsom
• On Liberty* by John Stuart Mill
• Percy Jackson, Lightening Thief (Book 1) by Rick Riordan
• Pride and Prejudice* by Jane Austen
  
• Pursuit of Honor by Vince Flynn
• Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis
• The Apostle by Brad Thor
  
• The Black Swan by Nassim Taleb
• The Brother's Karamazov* by Fyodor Dostoevsky
• The Communist Manifesto* by Karl Marx
• The Definitive Book of Body Language by Pease
• The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine
• The New Road to Serfdom by Daniel Hannan
• The Next 100 Years by George Friedman
  
• The Relationship Cure by John Gottman
• The Republic* by Plato
• Notes from the Tilt a Whirl by N.D. Wilson
• Two Treatises of Government* by John Locke
• War and Peace* by Leo Tolstoy

*Available free online through Google books, Amazon, or other sources.

Another Poem

My Father is so patient
So gentle and so kind
I am always loved by Him
He has me on His mind

He sent His Son to die for me
That through His death my sin
Is borne upon the cross and paid
So my life He might mend

By faith I’m saved in Jesus Christ
His power set me free
His resurrection life and love
Gives hope eternally

The death He died He died to sin
And so like Him I do
My flesh is crucified with Him
My heart and mind made new

With grateful heart and happy voice
I praise His holy name
Blessing, glory, honor, and power
That He remains the same

Oh wondrous love, oh great divine
That you my God would save
A wretch like me, a sinner bound
Your name I lift and praise

Today is new and with it comes
Temptations, flesh, and sin
In Christ my mind must be renewed
He says Abide in Him.

No longer law, no longer rule
No longer legal bound
But in relationship with Christ
Is where I am now found.

The Prodigal Son

Father, give my money to me
Inheritance as son to thee
For I can’t wait until you die
To distant lands with cash I fly.

Rebellious friends, enchanted foes
Exciting place, this land impose
What time have I with all of these
In carefree life, with total ease.

How dull, dreary, was life before
At home with Father, what a bore
My nights now late, my days so long
With each new day brings heightened throng.

The money flows, the friends crowd round
So popular, I’m to be found
Bartender give new friend a drink
Come join, this band, comp’ny I keep.

What’s this you say, my bank o’er drawn?
How can this be? My money gone!
Oh friends, may I borrow from thee
To pay the bar, my tab you see?

No cash to spare, have you for me
Where do all go, now friendless be
Outside I sit, where once I tread
And now next meal, I look in dread.

Farmer, oh help, or starve will I
I need a job, your pigs look dry.
Feed, water, care and in exchange
For bread and drink, to keep my name.

Now here I sit, in muddy ground
Filthy, covered, in pig slop mound
Only to eat, what’s left for swine
When formerly I used to dine.

At Father’s house, the slaves do eat
Better than I, this place my seat
Return will I, to beg for grace
Not as a son, but slave in place.

Far up ahead, my home I see
This speck now grows, what memories
Exhausted, sore, and hungry kept
My heart, in hope as quick I step.

Surprise the door flung open wide
Father, in tears, runs to my side
Embrace, my filthy body, he
New clothes, a ring, he puts on me.

Alas my son was lost but found
Prepare the calf, go trumpet sound
Rejoice alive and son shall be
Restored with love and grace is he.

Healing Issues, Part 2

In the previous post, I used the terms vertical and horizontal to separate two parts of the healing process that I wanted to discuss. I think better terms for the distinction would be two dimensions and three dimensions. The previous post was on what I said was horizontal, or better said, two dimensions, and in this one, I want to discuss the vertical, or a better term for it, three dimensions.

Think of a tear on a page. One can repair the page and the page is ready for use (the repair would still be evident). Likewise, it was previously stated that healing from different wounds that the heart takes allows us to live from more of our hearts, instead of avoiding or walling off certain areas.

Think of a book now. When one takes a knife and stabs a book, more than one page has been damaged, ripped, and torn. Likewise, with the heart, wounds don’t just affect one area or “page” in the heart. These wounds affect a great many areas. Perhaps our senses of identity, self, worth, love, belonging, independence, and others. Now our heart illustration looks something like this:

I want to comment on a couple of implications from the book/page illustration.

• Healing from a deep wound is not a simple or one-time process.
• Healing in the different areas of the heart will require different ‘fixes’.

Just as more than one page of a book needs repair, so too more than one area of the heart needs healing. However, unlike a book, where we can turn all the pages and see the damage to each page, the heart is much more complex and we are not able to see the impact all at once. We must be living in those areas in order for the impact to be evident. Take for example how much more “stuff” comes up when one is in a deeply committed relationship versus being single and unattached. It is because we are engaging more areas of the heart and some of those areas will have been damaged by wounds. What we thought we had “dealt with” is back; but it isn’t back because our healing previously was insufficient; it is because a multi-layered heart has multi-layered wounds. Healing is not simple because we are damaged in more than one area, and it is not one-time because we do not live from all areas at all times. Many times the areas of the heart that are damaged most are the ones used only when one is in a certain situation. Again, relationships are a great example. Sometimes the damage taken in a previous relationship may not come to the surface until the next one.

I cannot emphasize the importance of this truth in the healing process. We exclaim in frustration, “But I’ve already dealt with this!” and we move on and fail to understand the reality of that we are wounded in many layers and maybe this is a new layer we weren’t aware was damaged until now. You’ve found another damaged page! Don’t set an expectation on yourself that just because you’ve dealt with it now that there won’t be others areas where it might come up. The impact of a wound is impossible to fully understand and know because hearts are not visible, tangible items.

Different types of pages in a book will need to be repaired in different ways. Photo pages, text pages, pages with impressions, popup pages—each of these will require different repair techniques. Likewise, we will find that different areas of the heart need different healing steps and time needs. How I went about healing in one area may not work in another. The amount of time it takes in one area may not be the same time as another. It is important to give oneself understanding and flexibility as one walks through the healing processes that apply to the different areas of the heart.

It might feel discouraging to realize that wounds are not simple or easily fixable. Yet how much more is experienced by a three dimensional object versus a two? The pains are greater, but the joys even more so. Give yourself time, flexibility, and understanding in your healing process. Recognize that it is worth it, it will take time, probably come up more than once for a specific wound, and need different healing steps.

Healing Issues

This is a two-part topic on some implications on healing decisions that one will face in life. In this first part, I want to cover part of how the heart is impacted by different approaches we take after we experience deep pain in our lives, and in the second part, I’ll address the iterative cycle of healing. This first part deals more with a horizontal view of healing; the second will deal with more of a vertical view of it.

There are a few ways we can face significant emotional pain when it occurs in life. We can:

• Leave it alone (ignore it)
• Run away from it (avoid it)
• Walk through it (face it)

A wounded heart might be shown as follows:

Here is a visual of what the heart might look like long-term when wounds are ignored:

The main problem with ignoring wounds is that they remain and still have an effect on the life. The saying that “time heals all wounds” is flawed—time is a component in healing, but it takes much more than simply time. When one ignores wounds in the heart, one lives with a heart that is still very painful in places and thus it is difficult to live whole-hearted. Those places shown above in red are places one would be very careful about stepping on, because they would elicit very painful reactions as they are unhealed. Not only that, but such unhealed wounds can grow, and become much worse.

Here is what a wounded heart of an avoidant might look like:

One big issue with avoiding wounds is that we create regions in the heart that are “off limits”. You can’t go there, and neither can anyone else. The problem is that the more wounds one takes, the smaller the heart is that is free to love and to live. When we wall off regions of our hearts due to pain, we then live even more a partial-hearted life and can never experience freedom and life as I think is intended by God.

Here is what a heart that faces wounds and walks through them into healing might look like:

The scars a wound leaves will always remain, but unhealed throbbing that we tend to ignore or run from is no longer present. We are better able to live whole-hearted—damaged, but still with the whole heart. The scars might be tender, some wounds less healed than others, some larger than others, all still having some affect in our lives. But the active pain, the “electric fence” that is erected due to avoiding pain is no longer present, as we courageously walk into and walk through those painful places and experience healing.

What I want to emphasize in all of this is that while it is painful to walk into healing and to feel the effects of wounds, it is worth it in the long run. We are able to live whole-heartedly, instead of walling places of our heart off that are “off limits”, or avoiding painful places, or being caught off guard because untouched wounds still remain. It enables us to minister from the place of woundedness, as we have walked through the pain and healing of that pain, and thus can better empathize with others in their pain and wounds. And we can live in greater freedom, not in bondage to wounds, but with the awareness of their impact, the thankfulness for their healing, and the maturity from the wisdom learned.

Looks like Love - Lyrics

This is one of my favorite songs by Need to Breathe -- the lyrics are so true (my emphasis).

Looks Like Love - by Need to Breathe

Take another step
Don't give up on me just yet
We could take a chance
We could find a child's romance
At least we'd love until we can't

I wont run when it looks like love
I won't hide beneath the fear
Of how my past has come undone

I wont run when it looks like love
I can't spend another night alone
Regretting what I've done
So, I won't run

The breeze can only be
When she overcomes the heat
Our hearts can only shake
When there's risk that they could break
Yeah it's a chance that I will take

Raise your head
Its time to say
Those words that I have left unsaid
I've slept through the sunrise
And I turned
Away every time it got bright

St. Augustine Quote

I came across the following quote by St. Augustine:

"In matters that are so obscure and far beyond our vision, we find in Holy Scripture passages which can be interpreted in very different ways without prejudice to the faith we have received. In such cases, we should not rush in headlong and so firmly take our stand on one side that, if further progress in the search for truth justly undermines this position, we too fall with it."

This quote is fantastic!  He said in a short sentence what I was trying to say back in 2006.  We need to be careful how firmly we hold positions that are tentative at best.  Where is our faith?  Who is our faith in?  Are the issues we are focusing on those that actually matter to Christ?

Mountain of God Song

I heard this song by Third Day when I was working in the garage on Sunday... the lyrics really hit me (my emphasis):

"Mountain Of God"

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

"Cool" Groups/People and Christ

One thing that I've observed over the years and more recently came back up in a much more tangible way is the social expectations that are placed on people sometimes to be accepted into a group. Some of these groups are peopled with those who consider themselves "cool" and have certain standards (unwritten and unspoken, of course) that make up part of the group. It is, unfortunately, very high-schoolish and reminds me of the cliques that we were supposed to grow out of when we became adults. C.S. Lewis writes an excellent essay called The Inner Ring, which I would encourage you to read in full, but quoted in part here:

I believe that in all men's lives at certain periods, and in many men's lives at all periods between infancy and extreme old age, one of the most dominant elements is the desire to be inside the local Ring and the terror of being left outside... I mean, in the form of snobbery. Victorian fiction is full of characters who are hag-ridden by the desire to get inside that particular Ring which is, or was, called Society. But it must be clearly understood that "Society," in that sense of the word, is merely one of a hundred Rings, and snobbery therefore only one form of the longing to be inside.

The quest of the Inner Ring will break your hearts unless you break it.

I want to simply state that behavior or attitudes within a group that makes them feel superior, better than others, or more socially poised or acceptable, is wrong and is un-Christlike. Please consider just a few things Christ did in His time that wasn't considered "acceptable" or "socially cool" by His culture:

• Eating with a tax collector
• Making disciples of tax collectors
• Talking with a Samaritan woman
• Washing his disciple's feet.
• Touching women (for healing)
  
• Allowing a woman anoint his feet with perfume and wipe them off with her tears
• Calling attention to children, saying we need to be like them
• Eating with "sinners".
• Hanging naked on the cross ("cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree"), cursed and rejected by God and man.
• Healing people on the Sabbath.
• Touching lepers.

If we look to Christ for an example of what our behavior should be like, what we will see is that He is more about loving people than he is about meeting some social, cultural, or religious standard of what is acceptable behavior or practice. He is about people more than practice and relationship more than rules. Christ went after the religious leaders of the day who were so obsessed with following culturally acceptable standards of behavior and the letter of the law that they completely missed the living God in the flesh when He came down and stood before them.

Jewish men in Jesus' time used to pray: "I thank you God that I am not a Gentile, a slave or a woman." Yet Paul writes that "in Christ Jesus there is no Jew or Gentile, there is no slave or free man, there is no male or female." (Gal. 3:28) Christ came to destroy social norms, to wipe away barriers, to make it possible for anyone, of any race, color, creed, gender, social or anti-social, shy or outgoing, "weird" or "normal", cheesy or cool, to come to Him, to be accepted by Him, to be loved by Him, and to be in His family and called His child.

Paul tells us that Peter made the same mistake, in Galatians 2, when he fell for the "cool group" and started distancing himself from certain groups of people:

When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. Before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray. When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter in front of them all, "You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs? ... [A] man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. (Gal. 2:11-16)

Peter stopped eating with a certain group of people because another group of people didn't approve, didn't think it was "cool" or "acceptable" and he fell in the trap of the group mentality. Paul called him out on it, in front of everyone, and strongly rebuked him for going against the gospel. Christ doesn't care, and neither should you or I!

Is our behavior in any of these "cool" groups one that reflects who we are authentically and genuinely? Paul called himself the "chief of sinners", Peter denied Christ three times, the writers of the New Testament (and for that matter, Old) presented themselves as broken, forgiven, followers of Jesus Christ. What are we doing trying to appear "cool" and "together", when in truth we are just as broken as anyone else? How will one who is a non-believer come to Christ if he sees Christians acting the same way as non-Christians -- having cliques, "cool-kids groups", and looking down on other people?

How do you know if you're in a group like this? Do you find yourself being different in the group versus in private? Do you find yourself looking with disapproval at others who do things that you don't find acceptable in the group? Is your behavior extreme in its perfection or presentation? Do you find that the group size rarely changes and in fact stays relatively the same -- not a lot of new people remain? Have you received feedback from a person or people that has indicated that a group you are a part of is this way? Do you label or look down at other people outside the group ("they aren't as cool...")? There is no excuse here -- when you or I act and think in this way, when we live to please others, when we set ourselves as standards, we are wrong. Period.

I want to close with what Paul writes in Romans 14:4:

Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

Who are you or I, indeed?!

Respect in Relationships

Respect is such a critical component in a relationship and in fact is one of the foundational components. James Dobson says that respect precedes love and I believe that he is right (and more recently forgot this truth). An important part of respect is not only being a person who is respectable but also showing respect for yourself. I was talking with David tonight about this and was reading through a couple of personal journal entries from almost two months ago and discovered a mistake I made that I feel like had some negative consequences on the relationship I was in that most recently ended. I had written about a conversation that was had with her in which I foolishly told her that I didn't feel like I deserved her, that I felt like she was above me, that I thought that she was way out of my league. I wince with embarrassment just going back over what I said because it is so ridiculous and silly. But more importantly, I think it damaged some of the respect in the relationship - it displayed a partial lack of respect for myself and came across as "groveling". What is very sad is that up until that point, things were going very well for us. But barely three days later, we had our first big "oh no" conversation where she started sharing doubts about things she was having trouble accepting in me - some that were natural expressions of the core of who I am. I wonder if when I came across as putting her on a higher 'plane' than I that it gave more power in the relationship to her and there started to be an imbalance of respect. And instead of respecting myself and staying true to who I was in some of these areas, I was more willing to look at myself, make changes, and modify behavior in order to satisfy her doubts. Was my 'grovel session' simply a catalyst that opened the door to existing doubts being shared that had already been present well before it? Alas, this plays the 'what if' game which is kind of silly. However, I feel like I've learned a couple of valuable lessons in this: respect is crucial in relationship - not only for the other person, but also for oneself; and there isn't anyone who I don't deserve or who is 'out of my league'.

A work chapter closes

So today is my last day at a company I have been at for just over 4 years.  I look back over the time here and consider myself so blessed and fortunate to have worked with such great people.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the work that I've done -- I am so privileged to have been able to do and work in what I love.  I am a computer nerd at heart and I love to solve problems, to work with the business in understanding their needs, and to address and solve those needs with the appropriate use of technology and software solutions.  I feel really sad about leaving, although I am excited about the new work opportunity that starts next week.  I've had great bosses, great co-workers, and the flexibility to create great technical solutions.

The job transition has not been easy.  I didn't expect that I would be changing jobs and going through a break-up at the same time.  The last couple of weeks have been a torrent of emotions.  The prayers and support of friends have been so invaluable and priceless that words are insufficient to express my gratitude to them.  I feel some nerves about leaving the familiar of the current job and going to the unfamiliar and the new.  It is really tough when both the work and personal life are in a state of change and turmoil, respectively.  I've been doing a lot of praying and leaning on friends lately and will be doing more of that as I start the new job.  I felt like at least having the familiar old job the last two weeks has helped a little with some of the break-up emotions and now the familiar has come to an end.  Nothing like a chance to really grow and stretch even more, way more than I expected when I accepted the new job.

I feel such a mix of emotions as this work chapter closes and a new one starts next week.  Sadness, anticipation, nervousness, excitement, worry, and trust.  It's been a good 4 years!

Turning 30

How do I feel about turning 30?

I think back to when I was turning 20 and how many plans I had made for my life then. I thought I had things figured out -- when I was getting married, how long to be married before having kids, what I would do for work, where I would work, where I would travel too and the friends I would keep and stay in close touch with, and on the list could go. I thought I knew myself and the world pretty well and was very firm and dogmatic in my beliefs, opinions, and attitudes. None of my plans have come to pass as I thought they would and some of the things I thought I had to have by a certain time didn't happen. And praise God for His grace in protecting me from my immaturity and my plans! His plans have been so much better!

I sit back and look at where God has me now in life and there are several things that are so refreshing. After seeing my plans fail or change, I usually don't make tightly-held ones. Solomon says in Proverbs 16:9 that "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Lesson 1 from the last 10 years: hold onto your plans loosely. Be flexible.

My natural tendency to be extremely black and white, dogmatic, and inflexible has been significantly broken. There is still a ton of work that is needed in this area, but it is so refreshing to have the freedom to admit and accept doubt, to ask hard questions to which there may not be answers (at least right now), and consider other points of view. Rather than growing more certain about more things, I've grown less certain about many things, don't care as much about others (as I've seen they don't really matter), and on fewer things, I am more certain. Lesson 2: Be willing to embrace doubt and questions and uncertainty.

Another tendency I have is to give into fear and this has been a blockade in my life. Many times fear can influence desires, to the point that desires are modified or denied because at the root there is fear, not because "it just is who I am." I could spend an entire book on this point, but the lesson might be lost. Lesson 3: face fears, embrace desires, and pursue life.

I've also learned that life contains a lot of pain and disappointment and that it is important to mourn and hurt when that pain comes, instead of trying to bottle it up or pretend that it isn't there. Too often I've tried to dismiss situations that have been really sad, or give myself only a certain amount of time to get past something, instead of allowing my emotions to flow and let healing take place naturally. Christ is with us in all of our pain, not only the experience of it, but also the feeling of it. Lesson 4: Acknowledge and feel pain and invite Christ into it.

As I learn more about who I am, it is refreshing to be who I am. Not what other people want me to be, but to be me (I posted a poem last week about this). I still have a lot of work in this area, as depending on the person and situation I adjust my behavior or worry about how I might be perceived. Some of this is good: one certainly ought to be much more polite and cautious in what one says in the midst of a very formal group at dinner versus surrounded by best friends at home over a beer. It is rather challenging to determine the difference in being oneself versus being respectful to others. I think it goes back to what Paul talks about in Romans regarding not causing a brother or sister to stumble. And the line is certainly not fixed! Lesson 5: be yourself.

And finally, I've learned that growth never stops. Ever. You may be growing in a positive or negative direction, but you are growing. Even being stationary is growing -- perhaps in laziness. Pursue excellence and growth; there are so many resources over the years that God has used to change me. I used to think the answers were only found in the Bible -- now I see that truth is everywhere and should be evaluated in light of the Bible. The goal for growth is not growth: it is to be Christ-like. In reading self-improvement books on improving listening skills or on releasing a habits of perfectionism, one can use the resources available today to grow and stretch and become like Christ. That's the greatness of God -- He uses anything and everything if we let Him and make ourselves available to Him. Lesson 6: Pursue Christ-likeness with passion and an openness to change.

Unforgiving Servant

A man who is so deep in debt,
The notes his master still has kept
What man does owe cannot be paid
It is his fault, a mess he's made.

The master calls, the note is due,
Summon the man, all he has too.
The time is up, it's time to pay,
The note came due, on this today.

The man he comes before the throne,
Falls on his knees, he cries and moans.
I cannot pay, please spare my life,
My children too and also wife.

The master sees the man before,
Fallen prostrate on marble floor.
Compassion feels and full of grace,
He steps forward and lifts mans face.

Cancel the debt, this what I'll do,
I'll set you free, your life made new.
You go and live, now free and well,
Show grace to all, your life must tell.

The man does leave, with happy heart,
He feels he has a brand new start.
And bumps into one who owes him,
A small amount, tiny and thin.

Pay what you owe, now I demand!
The other falls on dusty sand.
I cannot pay, please spare my life,
My children too, and also wife.

The man has him thrown into jail,
No payment made, now he did rail.
The master's servants saw and went,
Back to the throne, in shock and spent.

The master rages, just how could he
Not give same grace, that he received.
Bring him again, and throw him down
He'll pay until what's owed is found.

How much like man I tend to be,
Is what this story helps me see.
Oh Christ, my heart so full of sin,
Come wash and cleanse and enter in.

Learning Relational Lessons

So being in pain is really a great way to learn some great lessons. As I'm going through the hurt of a break up, this morning I felt like God showed me two areas that were eye-opening.

Respect is incredibly important in relationships. But you have to be someone who can be respected. It's hard (almost impossible) to respect a door mat. I've been realizing that my fear of losing someone at times prevents me from standing up for myself. In fact, many times I just roll over and go with it -- and how can one respect and ultimately love that? I feel like I have a pretty good knowledge of myself and who I am, but there seems to be insecurities relationally that make me more guarded and willing to put up with disrespect instead of speaking up for myself. I feel like even these are starting to be identified and brought to light.

The other thing I've discovered, closely related to the fear above, is that I tend to avoid fighting. I did not like the way my parents fought when I was a kid and so I created a story that said "fighting in a relationship is bad" and "avoid it at all costs". But to do so, you end up short-changing yourself because you aren't presenting an accurate picture of who you are -- your thoughts, your opinions, your attitudes, your beliefs. Not only that, but some fighting and disagreement is good. It adds some passion and feelings in a relationship and challenges you and grows you together. Simply agreeing with everything said or not saying anything makes things rather boring, lifeless, and dull. I'm afraid that if I argue or disagree, that it will turn out like what I saw so poorly modeled, and thus avoided it. But I don't have to be like my parents (and am already in many ways not like them); I can be me, and take the lessons I've observed and learned and discuss and disagree and even fight in a respectful way.

I am so thankful that God is opening my eyes to these things and it is wonderful to finally have light shined in some dusty and dark places!

Pain

I've been having a rough time lately both in my personal and work life -- feeling a bit overwhelmed with several things that are happening at the same time. I'm in the middle of transitioning out of my current job to leave for a new company, working through some internal team conflict, going through a break up, and feeling sad and disappointed about things. I wanted to share a few lessons that I am learning yet again that might be helpful to you.

One of the big things that going through therapy taught me is not to hide, mask, or push away pain. When it comes, embrace it fully, feel it to its depth, and do what needs to be done -- cry, journal, pray, talk to people. When we try to mask our pain, or deny that it is there, all we do is hurt ourselves more deeply and push the feeling of the pain away. We can't be healed if we don't feel pain. The ache of a hurting heart, the shedding of tears, is like rain that washes away the dirt, grime, and oil. It helps the heart to really feel and hurt and acknowledge loss or difficulty. In some past hurts, I've only allowed myself to hurt to a certain extent, or length of time, or even try not to hurt at all. All I did was delay the pain to another day, when it was even more painful to feel it and heal. Kind of like a broken bone. It has to be set and put in a cast to heal. Otherwise, it doesn't actually heal and you end up crippled. To fix that, you have to break it again and set it right.

Another thing I am learning, and this from one of my roommates, is to invite Jesus into the area of pain. Not for the purpose of taking it away, but for the purpose of walking with me through the pain. This has changed my prayer life in what I pray for as I feel pain. Jesus felt the full pain of the cross, the rejection of His Father, and the weight of the sin of the world on his shoulders. He is "a man of sorrows, [well] acquainted with grief". I don't think that God always takes away our pain immediately and directly (although He can and probably does sometimes); instead He walks with us through our pain and into healing. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." I think this is because God is not primarily after our healing, He is after our transformation. He doesn't want us simply 'fixed', He wants us recreated and made into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ. And pain is a megaphone that God uses to change us. C.S. Lewis writes that God shouts at us in our pain. He has my attention as I hurt and ache and struggle.

I've also learned to let go in the pain and to be transformed and changed. Again, God wants to transform me, not simply to "fix" me. If I allow Him and surrender to Him in the pain, He will change my heart. It has been one of my prayers the last few days -- that I would listen, that I would learn, and that I would be changed. I don't want to run or hide or avoid it, as much as it hurts. And He is teaching me to give up my demands, to cry out to Him, and to ruthlessly trust Him. I wish I could say I've done this well or am doing it well. Thankfully He is gracious and understands my weakness. He knows my heart and knows my desires.

I'm also learning to see self-protective habits and patterns that have been created, "wells" that I have dug for water, when Jesus is the source of living water. Larry Crabb in his book Inside Out talks a lot about this and our table group at church has been going through this book. I didn't think I'd get to really deeply apply some of what he suggested so soon, but it seems God had others plans for me! I run to these wells, perhaps letting fear hold me back, perhaps my job or money, perhaps selfishness or pride, instead of coming authentically and in brokenness before Christ and letting Him wash me with His water and His love. God reveals these wells to me and lovingly shows me how insufficient they are and how He is sufficient.

Being in pain helps in empathizing with the pain of others. Pain can generate a hardened or a softened heart. I can either build walls or I can let my heart remain open and tender as it is loved by Jesus. And in that love, I can feel and love others more deeply. I can pray for and support them in their pain. And I can share the love of Christ that has been shown in my pain with them.

And finally, how incredibly valuable and priceless are close friends! Knowing that I am prayed for, receiving encouragement from friends, having people to talk to, is helpful beyond what words can express. I'm not alone. You are not alone. People who love and support, those who are present and available, are such a huge help. Where would Israel have been had it not been for Aaron and Hur to hold Moses' hands up in the battle (Exodus 17)? Oh that would be like them and not like Job's friends!