Satan and Healing

It has been a few months since I have written any thoughts on pain, forgiveness, and healing. I want to focus this post on an enemy of the latter two—Satan.

The men’s group is reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and I have been continuing my reading of The Sacred Romance by Curtis/Eldredge. What was impressed very strongly to me in reading Sacred Romance is the vulnerability of people to Satan. It is fair to say that we believe that Satan hates God. But what can he do with his hatred? God is all-powerful – can Satan successfully attack God directly? Not really. But he can attack God a different way—by attacking the people God loves. The intense hatred that Satan feels for people is his burning hatred for God Himself. Milton, in Paradise Lost, says (quoted in Sacred Romance):

Heav’n, whose high walls fear no assault or siege
Or ambush from the Deep. What if we find some easier enterprise?...
There is a place…
Of some new Race call’d Man, about this time…
In his [God’s] own strength, this place may be expos’d…
By sudden onset, either with Hell fire
To waste his whole Creation, or possess
All as our own, and drive as we were driven
The puny inhabitants, or if not drive
Seduce them to our Party, that their God
May prove their foe, and with repenting hand
Abolish his own works.

I will admit that I am a bit unhappy with being put in the middle of God and Satan’s “disagreement” (to put it lightly). Part of me wants to be a little irritated – really now, can we just all get along? A bit of wishful thinking on my part. It isn’t this way, and wishing it won’t change anything.

How does this relate to healing? Satan does not want you healed. He will do everything in his power to keep you from forgiveness and healing. Because the existence of such in the life of an individual will draw that person closer to the heart of God, and will open wide the gates of ministry towards others. As long as I am covered by anger, bitterness, hatred, and malice toward others, I am blind to my own sin and pain, the pain of others, and to the graciousness of God. A broken back prevents me from looking up… to Him.

What I want to emphasize here is that there is an enemy who does not want your healing. And one of his favorite methods of working is invisibly, so we do not suspect it is he blocking our path. James says to “stand firm and resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (4:7b). This resistance is preceded by our submission to God in humility (see verses 6 and 7a). How interesting that when we stop resisting God and humble ourselves towards Him in obedience, we then have the strength from Him to stand firm and resist. Healing then, depends on the submission of my will to God, and my understanding that there is an enemy that I can only resist in my Father’s strength.

"But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:6-7)

Innocence

It is amazing to me how music brings to mind memories of the past, some pleasant and perhaps some not. I am sitting here listening to John Michael Talbot and am drawn back to the early days of my childhood. These are happy memories his songs evoke, memories of sitting in my daddy’s lap, rocking to sleep, feeling the warmth and safety of his arms. It reminds me of a time when I was innocent.

What a beautiful thing innocence is. I remember the time where clothing, money, jobs, bills, safety, food, and the myriad of things that now are a part of my life did not even cross my mind. While innocence and immaturity can (but does not always) go hand in hand, there is great delight in the memory of such times.

Why is a picture or memory of such a time a thing of delight or beauty? Maybe it is because at one time, we were created for such living. Milton refers to it as Paradise Lost—it was Innocence Lost. Was that not Satan’s temptation to Adam and Eve? Knowing good and evil? As opposed to just knowing… God… the source of all goodness? Satan mocked innocence, and in our rejection of God, it was lost. And two thousand years later, innocence returned in order to purchase it—redeem it—for us once again.

How many things do we find beautiful that can be described as innocent, pure, undefiled, pristine, untouched, clean, or spotless? Is it not the heart’s cry for what it was originally created for? Somewhere deep within, we have a knowledge of and desire for what we lost. It seems rather odd that such a desire would even exist unless there was (at least at one time) a fulfillment of it.

The church is pictured as being dressed in white as the bride of Christ. Revelation says we are washed clean in the blood of the Lamb (7:14). Our innocence will be restored! What we long for, what we desire, will one day be given to us once again. And our response then? “Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready.” (Rev. 19:7) What can our response now to this hope be? “So then dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless, and at peace with him.” (1 Pet. 3:14)

A final random note: even when innocence is restored, it is in slightly different form than it was before. Before, “they were naked and unashamed”; after, “wearing white robes”.

The Bachelor/Bachelorette Party

I am not at a place in my life where this is a concern of mine, but I have had some thoughts regarding this event that I want to share. The primary point here is to think through some of the appropriateness of certain things occurring at such a party.

There seems to be a common attitude among many singles that the bachelor/bachelorette party is one last hurrah of the single life experience before marriage begins. While the idea of living a single life to its fullest is one I entirely support, I think certain activities at this particular hurrah can be inappropriate. It is my opinion that when you decide to be in a committed relationship with someone, and especially the day you agree to marry someone, it is not appropriate to look back. If you have doubts or wish to dabble once again in single life, you are not at a place where you need to be married. A verse comes to mind that Christ shared in reference to committing to His kingdom:

No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God. (Luke 9:62).

I would suggest that the same applies to marriage. If you are at a place in your life where you feel the need to have a party and “live it up” one last time (in ways disrespectful to a committed relationship), you aren’t ready to begin married life. Once you make that decision to marry, go forward. Sure, go into it with your eyes wide open (or at least half open), but do so fully committed to your beloved with the spirit of respect and love that the commitment between the two of you entails.

I am not suggesting not to have a party. What I am suggesting is to do things at the party that are appropriate for committed life. You arent single any more - those days ended when you agreed to be exclusive with the person, and they certainly ended when you agreed to marriage. Let me suggest a few questions that determine the appropriateness of activity at such a party:

1) Would you do such activity if Christ were there? (since He is)
2) Would you do such activity if your fiancée were there?
3) Would you do such activity and be able to look your fiancée in the eye and tell them exactly what you did?
4) Is such activity respectful both to the wishes of Christ and to the love and respect that you share with your fiancée?

If you can answer a resounding Yes to all four of the questions above, then such activity is appropriate.

No one who puts his/her hand to [a committed relationship] and looks back is [ready] for [the institution of marriage].

What is love?

Love is patient
[The Lord] is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. (2 Peter 3:9)

Love is kind
God's kindness leads you toward repentance (Romans 2:4)

love does not brag and is not arrogant
And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-- even death on a cross! (Phil 2:8)

It is not rude
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matt. 19:14)

it is not self-seeking
[Christ], being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing (Phil 2:6-7)

is not easily angered
The LORD is compassionate and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness. (Ps 103:8)

it keeps no record of wrongs
As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us. (Ps 103:12)

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life (John 14:6)

It always protects,
How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. (Ps. 36:7)

Always trusts,
How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust (Ps. 40:4)

Always hopes,
In his name the nations will put their hope. (Matt. 12:21)

Always endures.
Even they will perish, but You endure (Ps 102.26)

Love never fails
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; My savior, You save me from violence. (2 Sam 22:3)

Who is love?
God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. (1 John 4:16)

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Les Mis

One of the greatest stories ever told is one by Victor Hugo called Les Miserables. I had the joy of seeing the musical a week ago with several of my closest friends. It was an amazing experience and one that has been a window of the soul into the heart of grace. I want to share a scene in the musical that spoke to me. I am assuming here that you are familiar with the story – if not, there is a movie version that is almost as good.

Javert is an inspector who has spent his life following the Law to its letter. And he has spent it hunting down Valjean, a criminal who had his life “bought” who now seeks to do good. But Javert, one bound to the Law and its letter, has no understanding of change. Once a criminal, always a criminal. And from his point of view, Valjean deserves prison for life. For years Javert hunts him, coming close several times, but never capturing him, until one day the tables are turned. It is Valjean who decides Javert’s fate, and in a moment of grace, Valjean releases Javert. Javert is furious:

Who is this man?
What sort of devil is he
To have me caught in a trap
And chose to let me go free?
It was his hour at last
To put a seal on my fate
Wipe out the past
And wash me clean off the slate!
All it would take was a flick of his knife.
Vengeance was his and he gave me back my life!
Damned if I'll live in the debt of thief
Damned if I'll yield at the end of the chase
I am the law and the law is not mocked
I'll spit his pity right back in his face
There is nothing on Earth that we share
It is either Valjean or Javert!

How can I now allow this man
To hold dominion over me?
This desperate man that I have hunted
He gave me my life. He gave me freedom.
I should have perished by his hand
It was his right
It was my right to die as well
Instead I live.. but live in hell
And my thoughts fly apart
Can this man be believed?
Shall his sins be forgiven?
Shall his crimes be reprieved?
And must I now begin to doubt
Who never doubted all these years?
My heart is stone and still it trembles
The world I have known is lost in shadow
Is he from heaven or from hell?

And does he know
That granting me my life today
This man has killed me, even so?
I am reaching but I fall
And the stars are black and cold
As I stare into the void
Of a world that cannot hold
I'll escape now from that world
From the world of Jean Valjean
There is nowhere I can turn
There is no way to go on

And so Javert casts himself into the river and drowns himself.

I am drawn back to a scene earlier in the play where Valjean is arrested for stealing from a priest who has lodged him for the night. The priest not only saves him from certain prison again, but gives him even more silver to get him started in his life. Valjean is shocked, and his reaction is worth noting as well:

What have I done?
Sweet Jesus, what have I done?
Become a thief in the night,
Become a dog on the run
And have I fallen so far,
And is the hour so late
That nothing remains but the cry of my hate,
The cries in the dark that nobody hears,
Here where I stand at the turning of the years?

If there's another way to go
I missed it twenty long years ago
My life was a war that could never be won
They gave me a number and murdered Valjean
When they chained me and left me for dead
Just for stealing a mouthful of bread

Yet why did I allow that man
To touch my soul and teach me love?
He treated me like any other
He gave me his trust
He called me brother
My life he claims for God above
Can such things be?
For I had come to hate the world
This world that always hated me

Take an eye for an eye!
Turn your heart into stone!
This is all I have lived for!
This is all I have known!

One word from him and I'd be back
Beneath the lash, upon the rack
Instead he offers me my freedom
I feel my shame inside me like a knife
He told me that I have a soul,
How does he know?
What spirit comes to move my life?
Is there another way to go?

I am reaching, but I fall
And the night is closing in
And I stare into the void
To the whirlpool of my sin
I'll escape now from the world
From the world of Jean Valjean
Jean Valjean is nothing now
Another story must begin!

And Valjean leaves a changed man, one bought for God.

What do you see here? How poor words are in describing the scene! Both men escape from this world of Jean Valjean, but in different ways. In the later scene described here first, one escapes through death – physical death. In the earlier scene listed here second, one escapes through death – spiritual death.

What I would like you to see here is that escape from the Law is only possible through death. What does Scripture say?

For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. (Gal. 2:19, 20a)

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life… because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. (Rom 6:4, 7)

So, my brothers, you also died to the law through the body of Christ (Rom 7:4)

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules (Col 2:20)

Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with him, we will also live with him (2 Tim. 2:11)

Christ’s death not only paid the price for our sins and enabled us to have a relationship with God by faith, but it gave us the example to follow: we die in Christ to sin and to the Law that we might live to God. The Javert character is correct in that there is no escape without death. The problem was the mechanism by which he carried it out. What he did not see was that it was a different kind of death, a death to the self, a death to the vision, the belief that he could actually fully abide by the law. Do you see it? The death that we die in Christ is one where we give up, where we release this idea that we can actually be “good enough” to merit the favor of God, and instead cast our eternal destiny on His grace.

I find I am more like the Javert character than I am Valjean. What a struggle it is to daily die to myself and trust fully in His grace. What an strange way to live—by dying—to me. I hope that you and I can remain open like Valjean – in the light of His grace, we stand in undeserving gratitude, and die to ourselves, forever changed people.

Da Vince Code

The Da Vince Code movie is coming out in a couple of weeks and I suspect it will rekindle the fires of the controversy that surrounded the book. The response to the book has been interesting to me, but I see it as a good thing, rather than bad. It was the first book I had read by Dan Brown, and after reading it, I read all of his other ones. Well written novels, I might add.

It does interest me that a fiction book is taken so seriously, but then again, it only ignites a century old controversy surrounding Christ's married status. What I think is so positive about this though is that people who aren't normally interested in talking about Christ at all suddenly are interested. While the reason for the discussion may be founded on fiction, it is still a wonderful thing that people ask questions.

There is one thing that concerns me though, and that has been the some of the Christian response. In a discussion last night, a question was asked -- was Christ married? The response I heard was -- no, he wasn't, because the Bible doesn't say He was, and since it isn't in the Bible, it isn't true. This is making at least two rather large assumptions: the Bible covers all truth (incorrect) and that the Bible will contain everything that society consider important or relevant (also incorrect).

John at the end of his gospel suggests that all the books in the world could not contain the words and actions of Christ -- how then can we suggest the Bible covers it all? Not to be crude here, but it never records that Christ used the bathroom, yet more than likely He did.

When did it become inappropriate to simply respond with - I don't know. The facts are: the Bible doesn't say He was or was not married. And is that really the critical question? May I suggest other questions that may be more relevant? Will a change in Christ's marital status change Who He is or what is known and is true about Him? Will the character of Christ change if He was married? Will my salvation change?

Let me close by saying that I don't think Christ was married. But I don't know for certain and am comfortable not having certainty. I am thankful for the opportunity to ask people in a non-threatening atmosphere about the movie and see where the Spirit leads. Perhaps over the next few weeks and months as the conversation ignites again, we can move forward without being defensive, but excited about the possibilities of getting to talk to others about a Savior we love.

God

I think that God is quite the romantic. When I say “romantic”, what do I mean? I was reflecting this morning on Who He is and how He communicates Himself to us and I want to throw something out to think on. Romance is ultimately about being known and loved. This is an obvious statement, but I want to go a further with it.

How does God communicate Himself to us? When we read the Old Testament, specifically the Law, we see lists of rules and principles to live by. Is this the primary thing that God is after? “Here is how you live.” “This is what you do.” I think not. As I have suggested before, I think the principles exist to reveal the Person. What God is ultimately after is not for us to follow a set of principles, but to love the Person—Him. What He desires is for us to look at those principles and understand Him. What does Jeremiah say, “Let him who boasts, boast in this, that he understands and knows me.” (9:24) Knowledge is the “what,” understanding is the “why”.

Let us go further. Why creation? Why did God create us to begin with? What was the purpose of it all? What does human love, in its imperfection, reveal to us? Love, in its nature, is not singular, it is plural. It requires, demands, another. And in its plurality, it grows and expands. Why do couples have children? Certainly we can suggest instinct as part of the reason, but I think there is a much deeper reason for this. There is a desire to share the love with more than just the two of them. Love in its nature is not only plural, but creative. Perhaps we can say that creation was an explosion of love between the Trinity. It was the ultimate “big bang”. I picture this in the words of God when He creates man—“Let us make man in Our image.” Feel the joy and love of God in this statement. I picture the Trinity, with a love we can only begin to imagine, being moved so deeply with one another, that creation happened. And it only grew in intensity—we move from water to fish to birds to land animals to man. Love grows in its creativity of expression.

What is something we can learn about His creation of man and woman? Notice the different ways we communicate, not only between the genders, but even in the ways we chose to communicate to others. Sometimes we are very verbal and explicit about what we want; other times we want the other person to take what is known about us and “figure it out.” Don’t we see this in how God communicates Himself to us? In some passages we find that he is very straight-forward; in others we are left to delve deeper in His character. What He wants is the same thing that He is—for us to plumb the depths of Who He is and know Him. The Psalmist writes about God’s knowledge of us—and in His heart, He wants us to know Him too.

I have suggested above that romance is about being known. What do I mean by this? Romance is romantic because the individual takes what is known about the beloved and takes action based on this understanding. The things that speak to the heart in the deepest of ways speak to it in one way because we identify with those things—it is who we are. While there is much more to romance than being known and loved, I think a big part of it is being known—because that speaks to the heart.

I do not think Christianity is about going to heaven, avoiding hell, or even getting “right” with God. It is God’s way of restoring the original design of creation. God’s purpose in creating us was love (Eph. 1), and the end and goal of Christianity is the Person. He wants you to know and love Him.

Yes, I think God is quite the romantic.

The Inner Desire

How do we deal with disappointment and loss? What do we do when we lose something we want? What actions, attitudes, and things do we tell ourselves when we experience those disappointments, losses, and desires that seemingly remained unfulfilled and unmet?

What I want to attempt to illustrate here is something that I believe may be helpful in dealing with future disappointment with desires. It is something I stumbled across while journaling one morning regarding my own desires.

God tells us in the Psalms that when we delight in Him, He will grant us the desires of our heart. Many of the desires are part of His imprint. While our sin nature taints and distorts the desires, the root or core of it is still good—because it is placed within us by One Who is good.

I find that the distinction I fail to make when it comes to desires is the separation of the concrete from the core desire. What do I mean by this? Let me use an example that I think almost everyone is familiar with—the experience of dating and breaking up.

What is the core or root desire in dating? It is (by God’s design) to share one’s life with another (and there are even deeper desires under this, but I want to leave that for a future post). What I think happens as dating relationships begin and progress is that the core desire is transposed into the desire to be with the individual. The abstract desire finds a concrete manifestation with a person. The desire moves from “I want to share my life with someone” to “I want to be with person X.” I see no issue with this happening—I think it is both normal and good.

However, what happens in a break up? Here is where I think the danger lies. It is easy to feel that the desire is lost and will never happen. What is known and true is that the desire to be with person X will not happen. But let us make the careful separation of that desire and what is really underneath—the “inner desire”—to be with someone. We have confused the core desire with its present instance. And when that instance is lost, we confuse the losing of that instance to the loss of the core. In no way is this true.

As we progress through the process of healing and mourning losses, I think it valuable to separate the real from the possible. When the possible does not happen (in our example, being with person X), it does not mean that the real will not happen (being with someone). And choosing to believe that will not be easy.

A core desire (loses its separation from) >> the “implementation” of a desire (and when we lose the “implementation”) >> we feel the core desire is lost. (this is not true)

A core desire (is good, and because of sin) >> we will gain and lose “satisfactions” of it (but) >> the core desire is good and still remains (and will be fulfilled).

I hope that I have communicated this in a manner that is understandable. I cannot underscore its importance (in my opinion) to how we work through losses.

Testimony (at the Point on 03/05/2006)

In the movie, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Indiana has finally found what he has been looking for all his life. It is a defining moment – not only for him, but for his father, who has been looking for it as well. In an attempt to carry the cup of Christ outside of its resting place, an earthquake results and the cup appears to be perilously close to being lost forever. After one of the members of the team is lost in an attempt to recover the cup, Indiana tries to reach for it while hanging from one arm tightly gripped by his father. But with only one hand, the grip is loose and his father cannot keep his hold. As Indiana strains for the cup, the very thing that represents a lifetime of desire and searching for him, his father speaks words that I hope will speak in your heart. “Indiana… Indiana, let it go.” And in that moment, what really matters was discovered.

What Indiana sees and understands is that his search for the cup is not really for the cup, but for his father. And in that moment, when his father (one who has also been searching for it most of his life) tells him to let it go, Indiana realizes that he has gained the person that mattered the most – the one who has fueled his search for the cup – his dad. And he releases the cup of Christ and rides off with his father. A new chapter opens in his life by closing the previous one.

The Father has taken me on a journey this last year where He has asked me to let go of many things.

• He has asked me to let go of my fear, not only of things I have not done, but of Him
• He has asked me to let go of my sense of safety and cautiousness – wanting to be certain about things before acting
• He has asked me to let go of my earthly father and my expectations of what I had hoped would be a great relationship and friendship with him.
• He has asked me to let go of my concept of Who the Father is; those concepts based on my earthly father.
• He has asked me to let go of some of the worldly things that kept me from having a relationship with Him.
• He has asked me to let go of my selfish desire to be alone and in solitude, and reach out to others.
• He has asked me to forgive and let go of the hurt that kept me bitter against Him.

I want to share with you two of these that were and in some cases still are important. The first is the loss of a relationship with my earthly father.

Due to circumstances too long to get into, I have had to separate myself from my dad. In doing so, I never went through the process of allowing myself to mourn that loss. I moved on and closed my heart down – trying to cover the wound and the desire that existed. And so it sat for over four years festering.

Last year at this time I went through some challenging times that brought me to the Point (and this Sunday represents my one year anniversary of attending here). God was so gracious to place people in my life that pursued me and saw something underneath my pain and disgust for God. At the time I was bitter against Him – but I understand now my bitterness with Him was because of my earthly dad. In February of last year, I wrote the following on the message board:
“It just goes to show that Christianity is yet another religion that illustrates the concept of the blind leading the blind. As someone who is outside the church looking in, the outright weakness of belief that has been illustrated in this discussion is yet another good reason for my decision to walk away from it several years ago. Why should I waste another minute of my time attempting to defend a book that there isn’t even consistent agreement in this forum, much less the church at large?.... I realized that I could not give Him all of me, and rather than walk the fence of a partial belief, it was better for me to leave it behind. Perhaps if you can’t be hot, it is time to stop being lukewarm, and start being cold. That at least is something God can work with.”

Yet Kara, John Thompson, Anthony, Kekoa, and many others reached out to me when my life began to change and God called me back to Him. What I have discovered through counseling this last year is the wounds I have tried to cover and make unimportant, and how they have affected me.

But the most important thing that the Father slowly tearing out of me is how I see Him. How careful we must be as men, and women, who are to be parents – as our role in the life of our children will provide them the first glimpse of Who God is. And my desire is that my children would hear their heavenly Father’s voice and run into His arms because of their experience with me.

And so He has worked on me, breaking the misconceptions and incorrect views I have had of Him. I saw him as mean, cruel, cold-hearted, black and white, strict, and someone I did not want to be around. After all, I had made the decision that my dad was not one I wanted to be with any more, and if God was anything like Him, then God was not on my ‘favorite person list’ either.

As I have learned to let go and leave some of my baggage behind, and work through the process of healing, many things have been helpful along the way. George MacDonald has been especially helpful to me in his book, The Curate’s Awakening, when he says:

“How do I know there is a God at all? And how am I to know that such a man as Jesus ever lived? I could answer neither. But in the meantime I was reading a story – was drawn to a Man, and was trying to understand His being, and character, and principles of his life and action. To sum it all up, not many months had passed before I had forgotten to seek the answer to either question: they were in fact no longer questions. I had seen the man Jesus Christ, and in him had known the Father of him and of me.

My dear sir, no conviction can be got – or if it could be got, would be of any lasting value – through that dealer of secondhand goods, the intellect. If by it we could prove there is a God, it would be of small avail indeed. We must see him and know him. And I know no other way of knowing there is a God but that which reveals what he is – and that way is Jesus Christ and he is revealed on earth…..

Your business… is to acquaint yourself with the man Jesus: he will be to you the one to reveal the Father. Take your New Testament as if you had never seen it before, and read to find out. The point is, there was a man who said he knew God and that if you would give heed to him, you should know him too.” (p.54)

And so I am in the process of walking through the gospels in search of Christ, reading, as Van Gogh read, searching for the man who wrote it. And through that, the process of letting go has moved deeper into my life.

Logically, letting go makes sense. But this letting go is something that occurs in the heart, not the head. How challenging it is to merge the mind with the heart. The mind can help though, and here are a few things that have helped me to let go of my ‘cup’.

It is difficult to let go because what is known seems safer than what is unknown. Healing brings new risks – a heart that is healed is one that can and will be hurt again. In our attempts to protect ourselves from being hurt, we leave pain in our lives to cripple the heart – the wellspring of our lives.

When I let go, I am not saying what I am letting go of did not matter or is unimportant. If anything, the first step in letting go is to admit the importance of the person or thing I am losing. In my case, I admit that a relationship with my dad was important to me, and hurts me that it cannot be at this time.

When I let go, I search for the desire under the desire – what is it really that pains me and what is it that really matters? In what ways have I been created with this longing and is there a legitimate way to satisfy this desire? Am I seeking to satisfy this desire through other means than that which is best for me? What am I after here – ultimately, a relationship with the Father.

When I let go, I admit and feel the pain and loss of the person, concept, or thing I am losing. I fully acknowledge the hurt and the loss. I feel, I cry, I weep; I enter into a time where the wound is rinsed and the Father can come in and clean my heart. I let Him in, I invite him to those corners of my life, and allow him to scrub them clean – removing the scar tissue (however painful) as He cleanses me and works in me the healing process.

When I let go, I usually do so over time – it is not an immediate process – and it is one that may be a daily surrender. Part of loving myself (knowing that love is patient) is giving myself the time to heal and grow. I find frequently I want to rush and be done – just quit hurting already. But it is important for me to keep in mind that it took time for me to be wounded, and it will take time for that wound to heal.

The time required can also depend on how long I have allowed the wound to go untouched and untreated. One of the mistakes I have made in my own wounds has been to attempt to ignore or dismiss them. All this did was create a false sense of healing and the limb which was lame never healed. Time does not heal all wounds; in fact, it can make them grow much worse.

When I let go, I am acknowledging the reality of life, the certainty of pain I will experience, and the willingness to risk again. There are not many things in life that are certain – we know about death and taxes – and we can add to that list pain.

When I let go, I find on the other side that what I was holding onto so tightly was not so important, and that what I gain is so much more. Of course a relationship with my dad was and is important, but I have gained a relationship with Abba, the perfect Father. And my Father is perfect and tender and good – all that I wanted and longed for in a Father. How many times have I missed the good things God wants to give to me because I have stubbornly or fearfully kept holding on to the things I thought I had to have?

MacDonald gave me a beautiful image of the Father when he says, “In my own childhood and boyhood my father was the refuge from all the ills of life, even sharp pain itself. Therefore, I say to son or daughter who has no pleasure in the name Father, ‘You must interpret the word by all that you have missed in life. All that human tenderness can give or desire in the nearness and readiness of love, all and infinitely more must be true of the perfect Father – of the maker of Fatherhood.”

When I let go, I am being conformed to the image of Christ, just as He emptied Himself of everything for me. I learn to be like Him in remembering what is important – what was the most important thing from His point of view was the restoration of a relationship with us. God desires within the deepest parts of Who He is for us to be healed, free, and whole (because that is Who He is). Let go of the broken joint and allow the doctor to set it. Allow the potter to shape the clay, removing the roughness and edges that only serve to detract from the beauty he is planning to make you into.

What have I lost? I have lost (in this process of letting go) a picture of God that I think is incorrect, and more to the point, brutal. But oh what I have gained. It is a joy indescribable to wake up in the morning and reflect on the love and tenderness of the Father. It is amazing to know in the depths of my heart that He not only cares, but rejoices in my successes, and is right there with me in my weaknesses. His power is perfected in weakness.

What is it in your life that Christ may be asking you to let go of? Tonight I have shared with you some things I am leaving behind, and I can look back this last year and see the fruits of letting go. There is still much to be done, but it is worth it – and I look forward to growing to know my heavenly Father.

I want to leave you with a movie that I have shared with some, with Robin Williams called Patch Adams. In the movie he surrounds and envelopes with kindness a girl he is interested in by the name Carin. In the movie, we find that she has been abused – and in a poignant moment, a window in her soul is opened. “I hated men so much… and then I met you.” What baggage do you carry, in the form of people, things, or past experiences that shape you into hating or keeping you from drawing closer to His presence and the freedom He wants for you? Paul says it was for freedom that Christ set us free – and He wants your freedom – it cost Him his life to purchase it.

In my life, with the experiences with my dad, I can say.. I hated the God of my father, until I met the Abba of Christ. He has changed my heart, and He can change yours. Indiana, let it go.

Change

Last night in the men’s group we discussed prayer and if it changes the heart of God. Can prayer change the mind of God? Change is not a word I tend to associate with Him, but when I reflected on it last night, I came to the conclusion that He can change. And after meditating on it this morning, I want to clarify some of my thoughts surrounding God and change.

For me, it seems the confusion lies with the word “change”. Google defines change as to “become different in essence; losing one's or its original nature.” What I would like to draw from this definition is this: the concept of change is a human idea. By the definition listed, God does not change. I want to also note something that I think is important.

Many times we apply the word “can’t” to God. Perhaps we say “God cannot lie.” There is another way of looking at it – whatever God says is truth. It is not that God can’t, is that whatever He does is. If God says tomorrow that 2 + 2 = 5, then the universe would reflect that truth.

Let’s go back to prayer and change. I am suggested here that the human definition of change does not apply to God. God acts consistent with His character. That is what He means when He says that He does not change. Let me be careful here in this definition. What I mean is that the actions that God takes are in perfect conformity with His attributes. His actions are holy, righteous, just, loving, merciful, and truthful.

Let me go one more step here. When God says He does not change, it does not mean that His mind is made up on every situation and circumstance. When He chooses to save some people and send others to hell, both actions are consistent with Who He is. This is not change. It is not “different in essence.” He does not lose his “original nature.” We are made in His image, and make choices, many that are ‘consistent’ (in a frail human way) with who we are (or think we are). Imagine the infinite possibilities with God.

Prayer not only brings us closer to God (the primary purpose), but serves to make requests of a loving Father, who gives generously and without reproach (James 1). And in those requests, God chooses to answer or not answer as He sees fit, in perfect conformity with His character. Recall the parable of the persistent woman who came before the judge in Luke 18:1-8.

Does God change? By human definition, no. But can my prayers touch His heart and move Him to act in different ways? Yes.

Questions

Our table group discussion last night was challenging. It is difficult and yet good to be sharpened and honed by fellow believers. The points discussed were hard, but brought good questions, many that I’m not sure there is an answer too. I want to reflect on some of those questions, though they will not be answered here.

How am I to be a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ, believing in what He says, and standing for His truth while loving others, even those that disagree with or hate Him? How can I exhibit the attributes of grace to other people and be with them in their circumstances while remaining obedient to Christ’s character? How can I love Him, passionately and whole-heartedly, and continue to love my unbelieving neighbor as myself?

Here is the direction these questions take me. In my reading of the gospels this last year, I have seen Christ’s deep and abiding love for people. This kind of love is difficult to grasp – I can begin to see its edges, but knowing the height, depth, width, and breadth is beyond my comprehension. As Gire states: you can love completely without complete understanding. I can also be (and am) loved completely without knowing why or how. And in the same way that I know Christ loves me, given my knowledge of myself, so He loves others. How many times have I thought – if He really knew me, He would walk away? The truth is that He does know me – and that is both wonderful and frightening. It is a fearful thing to fall into His hands. It touches on King Kong – one might be afraid of him (and for very good reason). But Ann surrenders to his touch. It is hard to describe the magic of the moment when time stood still as Ann approached him in New York and a giant, angry beast grew soft and tender. His gaze changed and happiness settled in. There was peace. It is in trust that when I fall into His hands, and fallen I have and am, that I remember His deep love for me. He is crazy over me. Kong tore apart a city in search for Ann; God took off His glory, became a man like me, and died, in His pursuit of me. When I am in His hands, there is peace and security, safety and contentment. But for one who does not know Him, the hand of God is fearful – just as the hand of Kong was to those in New York. For the one he loved, the hand was all that tenderness and love holds.

How does this apply to the table discussion last night? As I grow to know and love God, I think my heart will grow to love the people He loves. That is one of the interesting things about love – the desires and passions of the beloved become shared joys for the one loving. Because what often becomes more important than what is done is that it is done together. In many cases, the happiness experienced between two lovers is the presence of one another. The other thing about the passion of the beloved is that it reveals to you a deeper knowledge of him or her. My favorite question – why – is one that fits so well here. Why does this person or thing evoke such a deep sense of passion inside him or her? What does it tell me about my beloved? To bring it back to God, what does God’s deep passion for me and for people tell me about Him? And in taking those steps to know Him a little more, His passion for people, His love for others, and His heart for creation are planted and grown in my heart.

How do I relate this to others? By remembering that once, the hand of God was a frightening place for me. The roar of Kong is a scary sound to those who do not know Him, but to Ann, it is a call, a cry, a search, for her. Once I was against Him, but I did not really know Him. And am only beginning to know Him in a life-long relationship with Him.

How difficult a thing it is to see people reject or hate God. But, just as I once did not know Him, so too they do not know Him. They fight the very one they most need. How can I model His love for them, while abiding in Him? How can I obey Him while being a light to those who do not know Him? In Kong, we think – if they could only see how he loves Ann, they would not want to destroy him. How challenging to communicate what we know to those that don’t.

I know I created more questions than answers. But struggle with it, meditate on it, and pray over it. But most of all, enjoy the comfort of His loving hand.

Abba

I was reflecting last week on some things in my life that have been frustrating and stressful lately and a verse came to mind. “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.” (I wasn't sure where the verse was) It was a verse that reached down and touched me in the present place that I was at. Our table group discussion several weeks ago had a discussion on absolutes and whether God responded to the same situation the same way (does this define His absolute nature?). I do not want to get into this right now, but I do want to note here that I believe that God deals with us individually, personally, and appropriately in each event in our lives. For example, in the times I have struggled over the distance from my dad, each time has been different – different verses, different thoughts, and different revelations. He is the same God – but in the moment, the need is met exactly how it needs to be met.

One of my favorite passages by George MacDonald then came to mind as I was reflecting on the compassionate nature of the Father (since compassion is not a word I would associate with fatherhood). This one touches the deepest places within:

“In my own childhood and boyhood my father was the refuge from all the ills of life, even sharp pain itself. Therefore I say to a son or daughter who has no pleasure in the name Father, ‘You must interpret the word by all that you have missed in life. All that human tenderness can give or desire in the nearness and readiness of love, all and infinitely more must be true of the perfect Father – of the maker of fatherhood.’” (The Heart of George MacDonald)

From the earliest days of my childhood, I could and would tell you “Jesus is God.” And still will if you ask. But what does God as Father mean, Who is Abba? As I have been slowly reading through the gospels looking at the person of Christ, one remarkable thing has stuck out to me. How compassionate and tender Christ is! And Christ is the revelation of the Father.

And then this morning, as I was praying through Psalm 103, His hand was there. For what does verse 13 say, but: “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.”

A dream

I have had three dreams that have been what I have referred to previously here as “windows of the soul” (a Ken Gire term). One of these was Friday night. It came on the same weekend that our group at the Point begins a study on Galatians.

In my dream I was in heaven, awaiting judgment. I watched as God went from person to person, some welcomed into His joy, and others falling through the floor to hell. I remember being terrified at the certainty that I would be one of those people. I had not done enough. There was no way out, nothing that I could do. All of my worst fears were upon me. Perhaps I could ask forgiveness once more.

Then He came to me. All I could do is weep in shame over what I had done. I knew this was it. “I’m so sorry for not doing enough. I should have done more.” I was so afraid of what would surely happen. I could only hang my head dreading the inevitable.

He stretched His hand out, touched my face, looked me in the eye and said, “I have already done everything. You do not have to do anything.” There are not words to describe the relief of that moment. It was as if the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. And yet at the same time, I realized that there really was nothing I could do. I am completely powerless. My eternal destination is in His hands. It is a sobering thought.

Dating Discussion

Last night over the usual Point dinner at Red Hot and Blue a few of us ended up talking about the whole dating thing. It was an interesting discussion, but I noticed something that seems to be a common theme with most single people. It is this: singles don't know what they want.

Now, before I get jumped on for making such a statement, feel free to read on for a bit and then you can tear me apart :). What I mean by saying this is that it seems that there is such a concern for finding someone else that less time is spent being the right person. How can one know what one is looking for if one does not know who he or she is? It appears to me that the real issue in not knowing what we want is not that we don't know what it is, it is that we don't know ourselves.

I believe that the proper course of dating, should one decide to pursue that route, is to begin with the self. I think this is absolutely critical for a man because he is required to be a leader in the relationship. I wonder how many girls have been frustrated by men because the man they were with had no clue what he was doing or where he was going. We do not begin by finding someone else, we begin by being the person we are made to be. Difficult road? Certainly. Lonely at times? No doubt.

How will you know when you are at the right place? One test I might suggest is this: you know you are ready when you would rather spend the rest of your life single than be with the wrong person. And the wrong person is anyone who will require you to change the person you are. And in order to know that, it begins with you.

Forgiveness

I want to add yet another reason why it is important to acknowledge and plumb the depths of pain. This one is probably one of the most difficult, but also the most necessary. Entire books have been written on the subject, and I am only using it to add yet another reason why pain must be felt. The issue here is one of forgiveness.

No matter what the circumstance surrounding the pain, there is always someone to forgive. In death, the Person to forgive is God – not because He is spiteful or maliciously went out of His way to hurt you, but simply because feelings of doubt and explanation arise and it is normal to direct those at Him. In other situations, such as the loss of a relationship or friendship, the rejection by a group or any other circumstance that does not involve death, there usually is a much more concrete individual or individuals who will require forgiveness.

Here is the problem: unless a wound is felt to its deepest impact, it cannot be fully forgiven. Unless one is willing to admit the depth of pain and how much the loss mattered and was important, it cannot be completely forgiven. It is similar to an iceberg – it does no good for a person to estimate the size (and danger) of a large body of ice based on what is seen above water. The vast majority of it is under water. We cannot successfully steer our lives through healing and forgiveness when there is pain that has not been fully admitted and felt.

One of the many things we attempt to do (as I have mentioned earlier) is to try to minimize the importance or impact that an event or person has on our life when pain comes from them. This creates many problems – a couple I have detailed previously. Part of the healing process is to let go and to forgive the person or group of the wounds that we have received. But that cannot be done until the wound is fully acknowledged and allowed to fully hurt.

I will probably post more on the topic of forgiveness at some point in the future. I am not saying that one should not forgive until there is no more pain. At the same time, why do we try to play around with forgiveness when we have not even admitted the depth of the loss? Healing begins when an individual is honest with him or herself. At some point in the healing process, when the extent of the damage can be seen and felt, then forgiveness can begin. And forgiveness, in many cases, will only come by remembering what we have been forgiven of.

Why feel pain?

One is justified in asking what the use is of visiting the wounds of the past, especially the ones we have not dealt with. Why would I want to revisit that place of pain? I have touched on the why briefly in the previous couple of posts, but those have been more theoretical. The theory is that in order to fully live, one must have a heart fully alive; and an unhealed wound prevents the heart from being fully alive. But let’s get more practical here.

Eldredge talks about the wound in his book, Wild at Heart, and the term “Arrow” is used in Sacred Romance for the same concept. What happens is that when a wound (arrow) is taken, a message is delivered with that wound, and from that message we create a false self. This false self is generated from the message which is more often than not a lie.

Wound (Arrow) >> (delivers a) Message (that is a lie) >> (from which we create a) False Self

Have you ever wondered why you react to certain things the way you do? Do you question why your passions have shifted, or even been lost? Why am I afraid of certain things, why am I a certain way, why do I respond to a given situation with a less than desirable response? These are just a few of the questions that may be answered when one takes a journey into the wounds of the past.

We are told constantly (especially in the church) that it does no good to dwell on the past – that we must leave it behind and move forward. We should never use the present or past as an excuse to not do the things we need to do. I can see that idea applying especially to the situations where one thinks enough has been “done” for God. The important thing to realize is that one does not “do” things for God to repay Him for the gift of His Son – such repayment is not possible. However, we never “arrive” as Christians until we meet Christ following death. And that will only be through His death for us.

But, it is important to revisit the past and examine the events in our lives that have shaped us to be who we are. This is especially true with the painful events of our past. The reasons have been mentioned, but the particular one listed here is one of the most important reasons. Reexamining the wounds of the past will help identify the messages that have been delivered with those wounds, which we have believed (though they have been lies), and on which we have build a self that isn’t part of who we really were made to be.

This may seem to abstract still. One of the largest places we receive wounds from is parents (especially fathers). A father who calls his son or daughter a coward may deliver to his son a message that says “I do not believe in you. I am disappointed in you. I am ashamed to be your dad. I do not think you can ‘cut’ it in this world.” And so what does a son or daughter who receives this do? There are many responses – one may be to overcompensate for this statement and become an overachiever in an attempt to somehow “please” the father and convince him that he or she really is not a coward. One may chose to give up, accepting it as true and then living as if it were. No doubt there are many other things one does in an attempt to either cover up or accept the statement.

This should provide at least one additional reason for venturing into the wound. Most likely a father who gives such a wound has been wounded himself and he has not dealt with it appropriately. He probably believes the lie of his wound and he is compensating by attacking the image of himself that he sees in his son or daughter. That is just one that is possible off the top of my head. In order to be a better parent (if one wants to be), going to the place of pain so that one can heal is the best route to take. Healing is necessary so you can be whole and you will not inflict wounds on others, especially those you love.

I have touched on a few more concrete reasons for going to wounded places and finding healing through pain. As I think of others or better explanations, I may post further on this part of the subject of pain and healing.

The beginning

I want to continue what I mentioned earlier about pain and what was referred to as “the Arrows”. An Arrow is pain, from whatever it is we experience. What we do as a result of the Arrow will affect us not only in the short term, but for the rest of our lives.

“At some point we all face the same decision—what will we do with the Arrows we’ve known? Maybe a better way to say it is, what have they tempted us to do? However they come to us, whether through a loss we experience as abandonment or some deep violation we feel as abuse, their message is always the same: Kill your heart. Divorce it, neglect it, run from it, or indulge it with some anesthetic (our various addictions). Think of how you’ve handled the affliction that has pierced your own heart. How did the Arrows come to you? Where did they land? Are they still there? What have you done as a result?” (The Sacred Romance, Chapter 3)

I think one of the ways humans deal with pain is to distance the self from the pain. But in order to do so, we have to lie to our self. We begin to minimize the impact that it has on our life. We start to pretend that it isn’t important, that it doesn’t matter, that somehow, somewhere, we can get by without it. The problem this creates is that it does not allow the heart to heal. In order to heal, the heart must be rinsed through feeling the pain, being cleansed by tears.

If I was to break my arm, it would be foolish of me to act as if I did not need the arm and continue without seeking treatment. Certainly the processing of setting a broken bone is not a pleasant experience from what I’ve been told, but by setting the bone in its proper place, I am admitting I need the arm (and allowing it to heal properly). This is true with painful experiences as well. I must first come to the place where I admit that I need my heart to be alive in order for me to really live.

While healing may take various forms and manifest itself in different ways, it more often than not follows a general pattern. What I am interested in writing about over the upcoming weeks, perhaps months, is what this pattern looks like. Let us not kid ourselves – we will take Arrows at various times and places in our lives. That is unavoidable. We cannot live in a cocoon, attempting to control our environment and space to such an extent that no pain is possible. One could certainly take that route, but as Lewis pointed out, the possibility (and certainty) of pain also allows us to experience that beautiful thing called joy. And so what must be learned is what is the correct way, what is God’s way, of responding to pain?

Sacred Romance

Over four years ago, I was recommended the book The Sacred Romance. I read it at the time, but have little memory on how it affected me then. I have started reading it again and this time many of the things it discusses have much more meaning now. One of the early points in the book is what the authors call "the message of the arrows". This concept is the same as what Eldredge calls "the wound" in his Wild at Heart book. It brings with it the idea that throughout our lives, we are wounded by arrows, through the loss of people, through separation, through anything that brings intense pain. These wounds bring with them a message. The message shapes our outlook on life -- what we become and do. I mention this in passing, but I intend to go deeper into the implications of the arrows and the messages they contain in the near future. The self examination question for today is to ask yourself: what arrows in my life have I taken and what message(s) have they delivered to me?

Why?

I welcome comments on this post: Why do you believe in Jesus Christ? When you come up with an answer, ask why to that. And keep going, until you cannot probe any deeper. Then ask this question: does my reason for believing reveal how I relate to God?

Mourning Losses

God uses a variety of things in our lives to speak to us. One of the ways He frequently speaks to me is through movies. He has used several of them as part of the process of my healing. I was reminded of that again this weekend.

From what I have read, in a time of intense pain or loss, the mind will actually numb itself emotionally for a period of time (this is usually the case). This is because to feel the total loss all at once would be completely overwhelming and very destructive. What seems to occur is that as the numbing goes away, we are confronted with actually allowing ourselves to feel the pain or dismiss it as non existent because it wasn't completely felt when the event happened. The mistake I have made in the past has been to interpret my numbness as a lack of feeling and then dismiss any pain that occurs in the short term future from the event as ridiculous because the loss has already been "mourned" with what little emotion I had at the time.

It seems that my behavior has been very destructive to my own healing. The pain is there, the emotion is there, but it has no place to go. I suspect it starts eating the individual up inside, manifesting itself in other ways. What I am having to do, in some cases by choice and others by accident, is to allow myself to feel and mourn losses that I haven't allowed myself to feel in the past. It is acknowledging that a loss or pain matters, and matters in the deepest parts of the heart. And then allow the heart to gush in pain as it is rinsed clean through tears.

What is my point here? Allow yourself time and emotion to mourn losses and pain in your life. You may not feel the loss immediately, but it is there, is real, and will need to be felt when the time comes. Completely. Otherwise, you might be watching a movie 2.5 years after the fact and burst into tears.

Update (11-30): That being said, such a thing is good, because pain needs to be felt. It seems that feeling pain is not wishful thinking about bringing the person back. Allowing the pain to be felt is simply acknowledging that the loss mattered (as stated above). I think this is a very important thing to remember. By feeling, in whatever way that manifests itself, I am admitting that the loss of the person (through death or separation) hurts me because I loved them. The pain will not bring them back. But that is not why it is being felt. And by attempting to deny the pain, all I do is lie to myself.

Phantastes, Part IV

This is the last quote I will post from this book:

"I knew now, that it is by loving, and not by being loved, that one can come nearest the soul of another; yea, that, where two love, it is the loving of each other, and not the being beloved by each other, that originates and perfects and assures their blessedness. I knew that love gives to him that loveth, power over any soul beloved, even if that soul know him not, bringing him inwardly close to that spirit; a power that cannot be but good; for in proportion of selfishness intrudes, the love ceases, and the power which springs therefrom dies. Yet all love will, one day, meet with its return. All true love will, one day, behold its own image in the eyes of the beloved, and be humbly glad." (p. 181)

All I have is a great big sigh of satisfaction.

Phantastes, Part III

"I learned that it is better, a thousand-fold, for a proud man to fall and be humbled, than to hold up his head in his pride and fancied innocence. I learned that he that will be a hero, will barely be a man; that he that will be nothing but a doer of his work, is sure of his manhood. In nothing was my ideal lowered, or dimmed, or grown less precious; I only saw it too plainly, to set myself for a moment beside it. Indeed, my ideal soon became my life; whereas, formerly, my life had consisted in a vain attempt to behold, if not my ideal in myself, at least myself in my ideal. Now, however, I took, at first, what perhaps was a mistaken pleasure, in despising and degrading myself. Another self seemed to arise, like a white spirit of a dead man, from the dumb and trampled self of the past. Doubtless, this self must again die and be buried, and again, from its tomb, spring a winged child; but of this my history as yet bears not the record. Self will come to life even in the slaying of self; but there is ever something deeper and stronger than it, which will emerge at last from the unknown abysses of the soul: will it be as solemn gloom, burning with eyes? Or a clear morning after rain? Or a smiling child, that finds itself nowhere, and everywhere?" (p. 166)

Phantastes, Part II

Another quote from this book:

"But is it not rather that art rescues nature from the weary and sated regards of our senses, and the degrading injustice of our anxious every-day life, and, appealing to the imagination, which dwells apart, reveals nature in some degree as she really is, and as she represents herself to the eye of the child, whose every-day life, fearless and unambitious, meets the true import of the wonder-teeming world around him, and rejoices therein without questioning?" (p. 89-90)

Phantastes, Part I

I had the joy of reading Phantastes by George MacDonald a couple of months ago. I marked several places in the book that stuck out to me as noteworthy. This is the first -- the person reporting is talking about being in a library, and reading different books:

"If, for instance, it was a book of metaphysics I opened, I had scarcely read two pages before I seemed to myself to be pondering over discovered truth, and constructing the intellectual machine whereby to communicate the discovery to my fellowmen... Or if the book was one of travels, I found myself the traveler. New lands, fresh experiences, novel customs, rose around me. I walked, I discovered, I fought, I suffered, I rejoiced in my success. Was it a history? I was the chief actor therein. I suffered my own blame; I was glad in my own praise. With a fiction it was the same. Mine was the whole story. For I took the place of the character who was the most like myself, and his story was mine; until, grown weary with the life of years condensed in an hour, or arrived at my deathbed, or the end of the volume, I would awake, with a sudden bewilderment, to the consciousness of my present life, recognizing the walls and roof around me, and finding I joyed or sorrowed only in a book." (p. 75)

Isn’t that the truth about a great story told? That it transports you to another world, that for a moment, or hour, you are one with the character in the story? Time slows to a crawl (or in my case, flies by) in the midst of a novel that grips you and won’t let you go. This is the joy that stories such as Narnia hold for me – those in my childhood were moments of sheer joy and yet such longing that there are hardly words to describe them. As an adult, I recognize those longings for what they are: in part, for heaven. It is the desire for something, Someone, not of this world. A place, a Person, a God... the God.

How frequently I find myself searching for happiness in other places instead of turning to the only place it can be found. The American culture is very much like this with the abundance of advertising everywhere you look. I think that deep within us, there is the pursuit of something we aren't quite sure of. Even in the viewing of sports (not exactly my cup of tea), I wonder if one reason it is enjoyed so much is because of the victory we wish we could have. We long to be victorious.. and were made to have victory, but lost that in our fall. There are many other reasons for an enjoyment of such things, but I think underlying all of it is the desire which points to Him.

One day I will write my thoughts on design and desires and how they reveal God. Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! (1 Cor 15:57)

Philippians 3

I was reminded this morning again about the focus of being on Christ. I am seeing the value of memorizing Scripture. The times when we desperately need help are those times the Holy Spirit brings to our mind a verse, a passage, a phrase that meets our need. For me, this morning, full of discouragement, worry, and self focus, was one of those. The passage as Philippians 3, one that is written from the heart of Paul.

I love his words that he writes -- it is with such tenderness that they flowed from his pen onto paper. Paul writes about his credentials before knowing Christ -- and impressive they are. In today's terms, he would be a descendent of Washington, Jefferson, or Madison. He would have been educated at Harvard, Princeton, or Stanford. He would have worked under a cabinet member or a supreme court justice. He was on the fast track to being the next great Pharisee and teacher of the law -- in his own words, "a Hebrew of Hebrews". In our terms, he was on his way to being supreme court chief justice, or the next secretary of state.

But, his next statement reveals his heart towards Christ. "But whatever things were gain to me I count as loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." (v. 8a) How do we know this statement is true? In light of the very next thing he says… "for whom I have suffered the loss of all things." (8b) As an old man, hand perhaps trembling as this is written, eyes squinting to see in the light barely cast in his cell, Paul writes of the value of Christ, his Lord. It is personal. It is tender. It is true. It is backed by a life surrendered in the service of Christ. A life lived in that light -- the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus.

He goes on to say that those things, his family background, education, and former status -- are rubbish (I suspect 'rubbish' is the polite English translation for dung) -- in light of gaining Christ. Not only is Christ most valuable to him, but anything of gain to him belongs in the sewer -- and even more, is why a sewer exists (I threw that in). I wonder if what was brought to his mind regarding "surpassing value" was the words of Christ -- the parable of the pearl of great price -- when the finder of it sold all that he had in order to possess it (Matt. 13:44).

Now that he has gained Christ, what does Paul want? He wants to be found having a righteousness that comes by faith in Christ (v. 9), not through that which he had attained to before ("as to the righteousness which is in the law, found blameless", v.6). In light of that righteousness that comes by faith in Christ, I know him -- the power of His resurrection (and especially in Paul's case), the fellowship of His suffering (v. 10). So.. That He can one day be united with Christ (v. 11).

What does he want? "I press on to lay hold of that for which I was laid hold of by Christ." Here we find Paul's focus on the purpose of his life -- my goal is to do the very thing that Christ called me to do. I want to fulfill the purpose for which Christ called me. What a great goal. And one that took time -- we see in Galatians that Paul took three years in Arabia before beginning his ministry. I am sure that was a huge time of clarification of his purpose in preparation for this journey towards the goal.

Has Paul reached this goal at this point in his life? "Not that I have already obtained it or have become perfect" (v. 12) -- not quite yet. So what is the response? "One thing I do: I forget what lies behind and reach for what is ahead." He leaves the past behind -- the hurt, pain, and victory. What does he reach for? "I press on towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." It is this call -- the purpose that Christ called him for -- that he presses on towards.

What is my response? "Let us therefore… have this attitude." (v. 15a) I should feel the same way. What if I disagree? "If in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you." (v. 15b). If I disagree, God will "reveal" (read: discipline) that to me. And one final exhortation -- what if I am tired? "Let us keep living by that same standard to which we have attained." (v 16). Don't backtrack, don't grow lax. Keep going forward, don't take a step backwards.

What is it that I am being asked to give up for the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord? I think I know the answer to this question. The answer is fear. I wonder if the current method that I am being offered is the very one I am resisting -- the path of medication. What is it that I fear about the medication? Is it the two to six weeks of adjustment when things could get bumpy, or is it the fear of what freedom might actually mean? Am I afraid of really being free? Of being able to experience freedom in a way I have tasted and enjoyed before? And this time, the taste could be sweeter, the joy more full, since it is founded in my growth of deeper walk with Christ. Am I afraid that finally, when I do not have fear to hide behind, of having to actually do that which I avoid?

Codesmith

Codesmith rules. With a point, click, all of my stored procedures, transport classes, business objects, and data layer objects are generated. Very powerful. Right now I am using version 3.1 -- I highly recommend this for development!!! www.codesmithtools.com

Nullable Types/Generics

What was programming like without Nullable Types and Generics? What did we do before them? How could I ever go back?

Sermon

Yesterday's sermon at IBC was the best I have ever heard Pastor Andy give. Here is the link to the audio of his sermon:

http://www.irvingbible.org/resources/media/media_archive/2005/10/05-10-16_mcquitty.mp3

Our word of the week is:
Cacophony: Jarring, discordant sound; dissonanceSermon

Encouragement

Tonight Anthony shared with us a verse from Hebrews that really made me think. The verse is Hebrews 3:13, and it says: “But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called ‘today,’ lest any one of you be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”

This passage speaks to me of two things regarding sin. The first is that in its deceitfulness, it makes us feel like we have lost, and the battle is over. By encouraging one another, we remind each other that the victory has been won by Christ, but even more important, others can see in a much clearer way the growth we have experienced in our lives. It is nice to have a “second opinion”, and even better to have one on the outside. How many times have I been discouraged by the lack of growth in my own life, when people around me see so much more?

The second thing I see about this verse is that sin can sometimes appear to be very attractive, and by encouraging one another to “stay the course”, we help remind one another that the race is really worth running.

Encouragement – definitely something needed by everyone. What a blessing it was tonight.

Payment for sin

God loves us, not because we are loveable, but because He is love. I want this to be the forefront of the thought process as I touch on the following subject.

A couple of months ago, during the single’s evangelism discussion, a few questions were brought up that I did not have the answer to. I have been thinking about these and feel that perhaps an answer may be provided. The questions are in reference to salvation and how it is paid for.

The first question, why can’t I pay for my own sin? The strange part of this question is that in part it is true, if we do not accept Christ’s payment for our sin. Hell, in whatever form it will be, is a kind of payment. But I don’t think that is its purpose. But on to the question – why the need for Christ to pay for my sin?

The word “pay” in the question stands out to me. If someone owes me money, my desire to collect is based on them having something I want (or need) – something that was once mine. What is it that we have that God wants or needs? What can we offer Him that would be sufficient? The payment must be of value to the receiver and nothing I have is of value to the Creator of all things. The answer to this is in the next point.

The other difficulty comes in the attempt to pay. Since God is the Creator of all things, is it not fair to say that He owns everything? What can we offer Him that isn’t already His? It would be like a dog bringing his master a toy that the master had purchased for him. Nothing I have is really of value to God, and what I do have already belongs to Him. So I am left in quite a bind. I can’t pay because a) I do not have it and b) what I do have (namely, me) already belongs to Him.

The second question that came up was why did Christ have to die? To put the question another way, was there another way? Why was death of God in human form necessary for the salvation of man?

The short answer to this question is: it is a combination of Who God is and how the system is designed. The long answer to this question begins with an examination of God's character.

It is Christian doctrine that God is just. Yet, I suspect we have very little idea of what true justice really means. But, our internal sense of fairness provides a gauge by which we can get an idea of what this might mean. One thing that seems to be common everywhere is the idea that if a law is violated, a punishment is required. Payment is required for the crime. In its current form, the payment may come in the form of prison time, financial restitution, or even death.

The above is in reference to the law of man. It is a fair statement to suggest that the law of God has more severe consequences, and worse, eternal consequences. Justice, part of God's character, demands that a price is paid for the violation of His law. In our sin, we died spiritually. And here is the second part to the answer. Payment of sin through death is by design.

I refer you to the following verse: "and without shedding of blood there is no forgiveness [of sin]" (Hebrews 9:22). Interesting that it took one act of sin to condemn the entire human race, but only one act of righteousness to save it. (Romans 5:12-17). Lewis suggests in his atonement chapter (Mere Christianity) that the one act of righteousness can only be done by a truly righteous person… and that person would have to be God.

So what is the problem? It is this: we are already dead! How can we pay for our sin through death when we are already spiritually dead? What it required is Someone Who is truly alive, to die, in order to pay for that sin. But that Someone would not need to die. In a strange way, this ties back to the first question.

And so, in order to satisfy His justice, and yet also express His love, in light of our inability to pay what we owe, God took it upon Himself to make the payment for us. We can hardly admire a God Who would let people off. Have you ever criticized a judge for his or her less than firm judgment in a case? We rise up in our seats and cry "Not fair!! Justice must be done." And so it is with God. Might I also suggest that your sense of fairness comes from Him, because you are made in His image?

All I can say is: "but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Cor. 15:57).

I find that real honesty with another person is so completely refreshing. I think it is one of God's greatest gifts to put people in our lives who we can be real with. For a short time, to let go of the mask, and be the real person -- or at least the part of the real you that you think is the real you. I think our masks can confuse our real identity many times. But it is blessing to have depth in friendships. To know and really be known.

Gas Prices

I think this is worth reading, considering the recent jump in gas prices...

http://www.townhall.com/columnists/walterwilliams/ww20050831.shtml

Draw Back

From Thomas Wilder's "The Angel That Troubled the Waters"...

A physician suffering from melancholy comes to the pool (John 5:1-4) in this fictional story to be healed. The angel tells him to draw back, that the healing is not for him.

"Without your wounds where would your power be? It is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men and women. The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve. Physician, draw back."

It brings to mind another verse in the Bible... "For by His wounds, we are healed." (Is. 53:5)

Majesty

Majesty (Here I Am), by Delirious

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Oh the deep deep love of Jesus!

I awake this morning, albeit a bit early, to thoughts about the love of God. I have often passed over without a second thought the three words, "God loves me".

• The love of God is real.

About a month ago I started reading through the gospels with a focus on finding Who Christ is. I tend to be a schedule-driven person, but threw out my usual "read in a year" or a "chapter a day" focus. I am not even halfway through Matthew and the Person I am seeing is one Who is touching my heart in His actions, Who He is. I am stopped by such simple words as "and He was filled with compassion". Those words are always in reference to pain or need. What touches me is that they apply to my life and yours. Do I picture my own moments of pain as "filling Christ's heart with compassion for me"?

What if, and I am not trying to justify pain or its meaning, but what if our pain exists in part to open wide His heart, but more importantly, ours, to the wonder and reality of His love for us? I find myself so closed sometimes and those times of real honesty in a moment of pain cause the gates to open, the walls to fall down, and allows God to break through.

• The love of God is transforming.

It seems that people who are love one another change. There almost is a glow about them that radiates from the love they have for one another. Love that is right will find each person better as time goes on. That change is but a reflection of how God's love can change me and you. "We love because He first loved us." If I am to love people, it is through the love of God that I can do so.

• The love of God reflects Who He is.

I am convinced, and I will post more on this in the future, that things exist to reflect the character of God. Creation shows us the power, personality, and creativity of God. "In Him was life" -- can we deny this after looking at how alive creation is? There are so many things that one can stop and meditate on that could take forever because they reveal so much of Him.

I wanted to post a song that has been running through my head. It is an older hymn, but it has such meaning. It's picture is one I find appropriate -- that His love is like an ocean rolling, over, under. It is enveloping. It is all powerful. And it is sustaining (we all need water to live). Oh what wonderful words!

Oh the deep deep love of Jesus!
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fulness over me.
Underneath me, all around me,
Is the current of thy love;
Leading onward, leading homeward,
To my glorious rest above.

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus!
Spread His praise from shore to shore,
How he loveth, ever loveth,
Changeth never, nevermore;
How He watcheth o’er His loved ones,
Died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth,
Watcheth o’er them from the throne.

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus!
Love of every love the best;
‘Tis an ocean vast of blessing,
‘Tis a haven sweet of rest.
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus!
‘Tis a heaven of heavens to me;
And it lifts me up to glory,
For it lifts me up to thee.

Biztalk 2006 Beta 1 Install

I have successfully installed the Beta 1 of Biztalk 2006 on the Beta 2 SQL 2005 April release. The install went smoothly; here are the steps I followed (all this was done in a VPC image):

1. Install Windows 2003 with SP1 (you can also install W2k3 and then run the SP1 patch on it).
2. Install all critical updates.
3. Added the Application Server role to the server (make sure to remove Frontpage 2002 extensions since WSS will not run with those installed)
4. Install SQL Server 2000 Client Tools only (this is per the install instructions, comments state it is a beta 1 issue only).
5. Fully installed of SQL 2005 April CTP.
6. Installed Office 2003 (Word, Excel, InfoPath -- added .NET programmability on all components and under Office Tools, .NET 2.0 support).
7. Update Office 2003 with latest updates at http://officeupdate.microsoft.com/
8. Installed Visual Studio .NET 2.0 Beta 2, uncheck SQL 2005 Express
9. Installed WSS with the SP1 found at http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkId=47398.
10. Installed SP2 of WSS that should be downloaded as well (from the beta place).
11. Downloaded the Biztalk CAB file for any requirements I may have missed (found at http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkId=45440)
12. Install Biztalk following install instructions -- no errors.
13. Ran the configuration utility, set it to run on the Admin account (yeah, not smart) -- Sharepoint configuration error came up because .NET 2.0 was not installed on the default website.
14. Run aspnet_regiis -i from the command prompt in .NET 2.0.
15. Reran the configuration for just the Sharepoint part -- it worked.
16. I still need to configure BAM, but it appears it will be fine -- just need to put in the account in 3 places and it will be set up as well.

Very straight-forward install, just follow the instructions that accompany the document and it should go without a hitch.

Beauty

I enjoy various genres of movies and one such genre is the type that the movie Anne of Green Gables fits into. I am not interested here in trying to justify such a liking, but rather to meditate on one reason why I think perhaps I have an enjoyment of such movies.

Lewis suggests that the existence of longings or desires means there is something out there that will satisfy those desires. We were not made for sin, for the humanity in which we are bound. We were made for good, for beauty, for the perfection that existed before the fall. Pictures that give us little tastes of that perfection, be they movies, books, nature, or other forms, remind us that we are not of this place, that this world is not home. Gire calls those pictures “windows of the soul”. Lewis writes:

"We do not merely want to see beauty... We want something else which can hardly be put into words -- to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it. That is why we have peopled air and earth and water with gods and goddesses and nymphs and elves." (CS Lewis, Till We Have Faces)

Why like such things? Because it is the heart’s longing for home.

Diary of an Old Soul, July 27th

MacDonald writes in his July 27th entry of Diary of an Old Soul:

Oh, let me live in thy realities,
Nor substitute my notions for thy facts,
Notion with notion making leagues and pacts;
They are to truth but as dream-deeds to acts,
And questioned, make me doubt of everything.
"Oh Lord, my God," my heart gets up and cries,
"Come thy own self, and with thee my faith bring."

Rascal Flatts

Rascal Flatts sings in the chorus of one of my favorite country songs:

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

While the song is primarily about finding his true love, today somehow they spoke to me a different way. And I wasn't even listening to the song, though I am now. Read the lyrics to the chorus above.

Now put yourself in the place of singing this song to Christ. Could it be that our pain, sadness, broken hearts and dreams, have led us straight to Him? "God speaks to us in our pleasures but He shouts to us in our pain," Lewis writes in his book The Problem of Pain. Next time you hear the song, sing it to Him.

Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
(It shall be when these signs come to you, do for yourself what the occasion requires, for God is with you. (1 Samuel 10:9))

Chorus
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
(Yet it is I who taught Ephraim to walk, I took them in My arms; But they did not know that I healed them. (Hosea 11:3))
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
(The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. (Psalm 51:17))
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
(For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. (Hebrews 4:15))
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
(Declaring the end from the beginning, And from ancient times things which have not been done, Saying, ' My purpose will be established, And I will accomplish all My good pleasure'. (Isaiah 46:10))