The Inner Desire

How do we deal with disappointment and loss? What do we do when we lose something we want? What actions, attitudes, and things do we tell ourselves when we experience those disappointments, losses, and desires that seemingly remained unfulfilled and unmet?

What I want to attempt to illustrate here is something that I believe may be helpful in dealing with future disappointment with desires. It is something I stumbled across while journaling one morning regarding my own desires.

God tells us in the Psalms that when we delight in Him, He will grant us the desires of our heart. Many of the desires are part of His imprint. While our sin nature taints and distorts the desires, the root or core of it is still good—because it is placed within us by One Who is good.

I find that the distinction I fail to make when it comes to desires is the separation of the concrete from the core desire. What do I mean by this? Let me use an example that I think almost everyone is familiar with—the experience of dating and breaking up.

What is the core or root desire in dating? It is (by God’s design) to share one’s life with another (and there are even deeper desires under this, but I want to leave that for a future post). What I think happens as dating relationships begin and progress is that the core desire is transposed into the desire to be with the individual. The abstract desire finds a concrete manifestation with a person. The desire moves from “I want to share my life with someone” to “I want to be with person X.” I see no issue with this happening—I think it is both normal and good.

However, what happens in a break up? Here is where I think the danger lies. It is easy to feel that the desire is lost and will never happen. What is known and true is that the desire to be with person X will not happen. But let us make the careful separation of that desire and what is really underneath—the “inner desire”—to be with someone. We have confused the core desire with its present instance. And when that instance is lost, we confuse the losing of that instance to the loss of the core. In no way is this true.

As we progress through the process of healing and mourning losses, I think it valuable to separate the real from the possible. When the possible does not happen (in our example, being with person X), it does not mean that the real will not happen (being with someone). And choosing to believe that will not be easy.

A core desire (loses its separation from) >> the “implementation” of a desire (and when we lose the “implementation”) >> we feel the core desire is lost. (this is not true)

A core desire (is good, and because of sin) >> we will gain and lose “satisfactions” of it (but) >> the core desire is good and still remains (and will be fulfilled).

I hope that I have communicated this in a manner that is understandable. I cannot underscore its importance (in my opinion) to how we work through losses.