St. Augustine Quote

I came across the following quote by St. Augustine:

"In matters that are so obscure and far beyond our vision, we find in Holy Scripture passages which can be interpreted in very different ways without prejudice to the faith we have received. In such cases, we should not rush in headlong and so firmly take our stand on one side that, if further progress in the search for truth justly undermines this position, we too fall with it."

This quote is fantastic!  He said in a short sentence what I was trying to say back in 2006.  We need to be careful how firmly we hold positions that are tentative at best.  Where is our faith?  Who is our faith in?  Are the issues we are focusing on those that actually matter to Christ?

Mountain of God Song

I heard this song by Third Day when I was working in the garage on Sunday... the lyrics really hit me (my emphasis):

"Mountain Of God"

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

"Cool" Groups/People and Christ

One thing that I've observed over the years and more recently came back up in a much more tangible way is the social expectations that are placed on people sometimes to be accepted into a group. Some of these groups are peopled with those who consider themselves "cool" and have certain standards (unwritten and unspoken, of course) that make up part of the group. It is, unfortunately, very high-schoolish and reminds me of the cliques that we were supposed to grow out of when we became adults. C.S. Lewis writes an excellent essay called The Inner Ring, which I would encourage you to read in full, but quoted in part here:

I believe that in all men's lives at certain periods, and in many men's lives at all periods between infancy and extreme old age, one of the most dominant elements is the desire to be inside the local Ring and the terror of being left outside... I mean, in the form of snobbery. Victorian fiction is full of characters who are hag-ridden by the desire to get inside that particular Ring which is, or was, called Society. But it must be clearly understood that "Society," in that sense of the word, is merely one of a hundred Rings, and snobbery therefore only one form of the longing to be inside.

The quest of the Inner Ring will break your hearts unless you break it.

I want to simply state that behavior or attitudes within a group that makes them feel superior, better than others, or more socially poised or acceptable, is wrong and is un-Christlike. Please consider just a few things Christ did in His time that wasn't considered "acceptable" or "socially cool" by His culture:

• Eating with a tax collector
• Making disciples of tax collectors
• Talking with a Samaritan woman
• Washing his disciple's feet.
• Touching women (for healing)
  
• Allowing a woman anoint his feet with perfume and wipe them off with her tears
• Calling attention to children, saying we need to be like them
• Eating with "sinners".
• Hanging naked on the cross ("cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree"), cursed and rejected by God and man.
• Healing people on the Sabbath.
• Touching lepers.

If we look to Christ for an example of what our behavior should be like, what we will see is that He is more about loving people than he is about meeting some social, cultural, or religious standard of what is acceptable behavior or practice. He is about people more than practice and relationship more than rules. Christ went after the religious leaders of the day who were so obsessed with following culturally acceptable standards of behavior and the letter of the law that they completely missed the living God in the flesh when He came down and stood before them.

Jewish men in Jesus' time used to pray: "I thank you God that I am not a Gentile, a slave or a woman." Yet Paul writes that "in Christ Jesus there is no Jew or Gentile, there is no slave or free man, there is no male or female." (Gal. 3:28) Christ came to destroy social norms, to wipe away barriers, to make it possible for anyone, of any race, color, creed, gender, social or anti-social, shy or outgoing, "weird" or "normal", cheesy or cool, to come to Him, to be accepted by Him, to be loved by Him, and to be in His family and called His child.

Paul tells us that Peter made the same mistake, in Galatians 2, when he fell for the "cool group" and started distancing himself from certain groups of people:

When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. Before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray. When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter in front of them all, "You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs? ... [A] man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. (Gal. 2:11-16)

Peter stopped eating with a certain group of people because another group of people didn't approve, didn't think it was "cool" or "acceptable" and he fell in the trap of the group mentality. Paul called him out on it, in front of everyone, and strongly rebuked him for going against the gospel. Christ doesn't care, and neither should you or I!

Is our behavior in any of these "cool" groups one that reflects who we are authentically and genuinely? Paul called himself the "chief of sinners", Peter denied Christ three times, the writers of the New Testament (and for that matter, Old) presented themselves as broken, forgiven, followers of Jesus Christ. What are we doing trying to appear "cool" and "together", when in truth we are just as broken as anyone else? How will one who is a non-believer come to Christ if he sees Christians acting the same way as non-Christians -- having cliques, "cool-kids groups", and looking down on other people?

How do you know if you're in a group like this? Do you find yourself being different in the group versus in private? Do you find yourself looking with disapproval at others who do things that you don't find acceptable in the group? Is your behavior extreme in its perfection or presentation? Do you find that the group size rarely changes and in fact stays relatively the same -- not a lot of new people remain? Have you received feedback from a person or people that has indicated that a group you are a part of is this way? Do you label or look down at other people outside the group ("they aren't as cool...")? There is no excuse here -- when you or I act and think in this way, when we live to please others, when we set ourselves as standards, we are wrong. Period.

I want to close with what Paul writes in Romans 14:4:

Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

Who are you or I, indeed?!

Respect in Relationships

Respect is such a critical component in a relationship and in fact is one of the foundational components. James Dobson says that respect precedes love and I believe that he is right (and more recently forgot this truth). An important part of respect is not only being a person who is respectable but also showing respect for yourself. I was talking with David tonight about this and was reading through a couple of personal journal entries from almost two months ago and discovered a mistake I made that I feel like had some negative consequences on the relationship I was in that most recently ended. I had written about a conversation that was had with her in which I foolishly told her that I didn't feel like I deserved her, that I felt like she was above me, that I thought that she was way out of my league. I wince with embarrassment just going back over what I said because it is so ridiculous and silly. But more importantly, I think it damaged some of the respect in the relationship - it displayed a partial lack of respect for myself and came across as "groveling". What is very sad is that up until that point, things were going very well for us. But barely three days later, we had our first big "oh no" conversation where she started sharing doubts about things she was having trouble accepting in me - some that were natural expressions of the core of who I am. I wonder if when I came across as putting her on a higher 'plane' than I that it gave more power in the relationship to her and there started to be an imbalance of respect. And instead of respecting myself and staying true to who I was in some of these areas, I was more willing to look at myself, make changes, and modify behavior in order to satisfy her doubts. Was my 'grovel session' simply a catalyst that opened the door to existing doubts being shared that had already been present well before it? Alas, this plays the 'what if' game which is kind of silly. However, I feel like I've learned a couple of valuable lessons in this: respect is crucial in relationship - not only for the other person, but also for oneself; and there isn't anyone who I don't deserve or who is 'out of my league'.

A work chapter closes

So today is my last day at a company I have been at for just over 4 years.  I look back over the time here and consider myself so blessed and fortunate to have worked with such great people.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the work that I've done -- I am so privileged to have been able to do and work in what I love.  I am a computer nerd at heart and I love to solve problems, to work with the business in understanding their needs, and to address and solve those needs with the appropriate use of technology and software solutions.  I feel really sad about leaving, although I am excited about the new work opportunity that starts next week.  I've had great bosses, great co-workers, and the flexibility to create great technical solutions.

The job transition has not been easy.  I didn't expect that I would be changing jobs and going through a break-up at the same time.  The last couple of weeks have been a torrent of emotions.  The prayers and support of friends have been so invaluable and priceless that words are insufficient to express my gratitude to them.  I feel some nerves about leaving the familiar of the current job and going to the unfamiliar and the new.  It is really tough when both the work and personal life are in a state of change and turmoil, respectively.  I've been doing a lot of praying and leaning on friends lately and will be doing more of that as I start the new job.  I felt like at least having the familiar old job the last two weeks has helped a little with some of the break-up emotions and now the familiar has come to an end.  Nothing like a chance to really grow and stretch even more, way more than I expected when I accepted the new job.

I feel such a mix of emotions as this work chapter closes and a new one starts next week.  Sadness, anticipation, nervousness, excitement, worry, and trust.  It's been a good 4 years!

Turning 30

How do I feel about turning 30?

I think back to when I was turning 20 and how many plans I had made for my life then. I thought I had things figured out -- when I was getting married, how long to be married before having kids, what I would do for work, where I would work, where I would travel too and the friends I would keep and stay in close touch with, and on the list could go. I thought I knew myself and the world pretty well and was very firm and dogmatic in my beliefs, opinions, and attitudes. None of my plans have come to pass as I thought they would and some of the things I thought I had to have by a certain time didn't happen. And praise God for His grace in protecting me from my immaturity and my plans! His plans have been so much better!

I sit back and look at where God has me now in life and there are several things that are so refreshing. After seeing my plans fail or change, I usually don't make tightly-held ones. Solomon says in Proverbs 16:9 that "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Lesson 1 from the last 10 years: hold onto your plans loosely. Be flexible.

My natural tendency to be extremely black and white, dogmatic, and inflexible has been significantly broken. There is still a ton of work that is needed in this area, but it is so refreshing to have the freedom to admit and accept doubt, to ask hard questions to which there may not be answers (at least right now), and consider other points of view. Rather than growing more certain about more things, I've grown less certain about many things, don't care as much about others (as I've seen they don't really matter), and on fewer things, I am more certain. Lesson 2: Be willing to embrace doubt and questions and uncertainty.

Another tendency I have is to give into fear and this has been a blockade in my life. Many times fear can influence desires, to the point that desires are modified or denied because at the root there is fear, not because "it just is who I am." I could spend an entire book on this point, but the lesson might be lost. Lesson 3: face fears, embrace desires, and pursue life.

I've also learned that life contains a lot of pain and disappointment and that it is important to mourn and hurt when that pain comes, instead of trying to bottle it up or pretend that it isn't there. Too often I've tried to dismiss situations that have been really sad, or give myself only a certain amount of time to get past something, instead of allowing my emotions to flow and let healing take place naturally. Christ is with us in all of our pain, not only the experience of it, but also the feeling of it. Lesson 4: Acknowledge and feel pain and invite Christ into it.

As I learn more about who I am, it is refreshing to be who I am. Not what other people want me to be, but to be me (I posted a poem last week about this). I still have a lot of work in this area, as depending on the person and situation I adjust my behavior or worry about how I might be perceived. Some of this is good: one certainly ought to be much more polite and cautious in what one says in the midst of a very formal group at dinner versus surrounded by best friends at home over a beer. It is rather challenging to determine the difference in being oneself versus being respectful to others. I think it goes back to what Paul talks about in Romans regarding not causing a brother or sister to stumble. And the line is certainly not fixed! Lesson 5: be yourself.

And finally, I've learned that growth never stops. Ever. You may be growing in a positive or negative direction, but you are growing. Even being stationary is growing -- perhaps in laziness. Pursue excellence and growth; there are so many resources over the years that God has used to change me. I used to think the answers were only found in the Bible -- now I see that truth is everywhere and should be evaluated in light of the Bible. The goal for growth is not growth: it is to be Christ-like. In reading self-improvement books on improving listening skills or on releasing a habits of perfectionism, one can use the resources available today to grow and stretch and become like Christ. That's the greatness of God -- He uses anything and everything if we let Him and make ourselves available to Him. Lesson 6: Pursue Christ-likeness with passion and an openness to change.

Unforgiving Servant

A man who is so deep in debt,
The notes his master still has kept
What man does owe cannot be paid
It is his fault, a mess he's made.

The master calls, the note is due,
Summon the man, all he has too.
The time is up, it's time to pay,
The note came due, on this today.

The man he comes before the throne,
Falls on his knees, he cries and moans.
I cannot pay, please spare my life,
My children too and also wife.

The master sees the man before,
Fallen prostrate on marble floor.
Compassion feels and full of grace,
He steps forward and lifts mans face.

Cancel the debt, this what I'll do,
I'll set you free, your life made new.
You go and live, now free and well,
Show grace to all, your life must tell.

The man does leave, with happy heart,
He feels he has a brand new start.
And bumps into one who owes him,
A small amount, tiny and thin.

Pay what you owe, now I demand!
The other falls on dusty sand.
I cannot pay, please spare my life,
My children too, and also wife.

The man has him thrown into jail,
No payment made, now he did rail.
The master's servants saw and went,
Back to the throne, in shock and spent.

The master rages, just how could he
Not give same grace, that he received.
Bring him again, and throw him down
He'll pay until what's owed is found.

How much like man I tend to be,
Is what this story helps me see.
Oh Christ, my heart so full of sin,
Come wash and cleanse and enter in.

Learning Relational Lessons

So being in pain is really a great way to learn some great lessons. As I'm going through the hurt of a break up, this morning I felt like God showed me two areas that were eye-opening.

Respect is incredibly important in relationships. But you have to be someone who can be respected. It's hard (almost impossible) to respect a door mat. I've been realizing that my fear of losing someone at times prevents me from standing up for myself. In fact, many times I just roll over and go with it -- and how can one respect and ultimately love that? I feel like I have a pretty good knowledge of myself and who I am, but there seems to be insecurities relationally that make me more guarded and willing to put up with disrespect instead of speaking up for myself. I feel like even these are starting to be identified and brought to light.

The other thing I've discovered, closely related to the fear above, is that I tend to avoid fighting. I did not like the way my parents fought when I was a kid and so I created a story that said "fighting in a relationship is bad" and "avoid it at all costs". But to do so, you end up short-changing yourself because you aren't presenting an accurate picture of who you are -- your thoughts, your opinions, your attitudes, your beliefs. Not only that, but some fighting and disagreement is good. It adds some passion and feelings in a relationship and challenges you and grows you together. Simply agreeing with everything said or not saying anything makes things rather boring, lifeless, and dull. I'm afraid that if I argue or disagree, that it will turn out like what I saw so poorly modeled, and thus avoided it. But I don't have to be like my parents (and am already in many ways not like them); I can be me, and take the lessons I've observed and learned and discuss and disagree and even fight in a respectful way.

I am so thankful that God is opening my eyes to these things and it is wonderful to finally have light shined in some dusty and dark places!

Pain

I've been having a rough time lately both in my personal and work life -- feeling a bit overwhelmed with several things that are happening at the same time. I'm in the middle of transitioning out of my current job to leave for a new company, working through some internal team conflict, going through a break up, and feeling sad and disappointed about things. I wanted to share a few lessons that I am learning yet again that might be helpful to you.

One of the big things that going through therapy taught me is not to hide, mask, or push away pain. When it comes, embrace it fully, feel it to its depth, and do what needs to be done -- cry, journal, pray, talk to people. When we try to mask our pain, or deny that it is there, all we do is hurt ourselves more deeply and push the feeling of the pain away. We can't be healed if we don't feel pain. The ache of a hurting heart, the shedding of tears, is like rain that washes away the dirt, grime, and oil. It helps the heart to really feel and hurt and acknowledge loss or difficulty. In some past hurts, I've only allowed myself to hurt to a certain extent, or length of time, or even try not to hurt at all. All I did was delay the pain to another day, when it was even more painful to feel it and heal. Kind of like a broken bone. It has to be set and put in a cast to heal. Otherwise, it doesn't actually heal and you end up crippled. To fix that, you have to break it again and set it right.

Another thing I am learning, and this from one of my roommates, is to invite Jesus into the area of pain. Not for the purpose of taking it away, but for the purpose of walking with me through the pain. This has changed my prayer life in what I pray for as I feel pain. Jesus felt the full pain of the cross, the rejection of His Father, and the weight of the sin of the world on his shoulders. He is "a man of sorrows, [well] acquainted with grief". I don't think that God always takes away our pain immediately and directly (although He can and probably does sometimes); instead He walks with us through our pain and into healing. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." I think this is because God is not primarily after our healing, He is after our transformation. He doesn't want us simply 'fixed', He wants us recreated and made into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ. And pain is a megaphone that God uses to change us. C.S. Lewis writes that God shouts at us in our pain. He has my attention as I hurt and ache and struggle.

I've also learned to let go in the pain and to be transformed and changed. Again, God wants to transform me, not simply to "fix" me. If I allow Him and surrender to Him in the pain, He will change my heart. It has been one of my prayers the last few days -- that I would listen, that I would learn, and that I would be changed. I don't want to run or hide or avoid it, as much as it hurts. And He is teaching me to give up my demands, to cry out to Him, and to ruthlessly trust Him. I wish I could say I've done this well or am doing it well. Thankfully He is gracious and understands my weakness. He knows my heart and knows my desires.

I'm also learning to see self-protective habits and patterns that have been created, "wells" that I have dug for water, when Jesus is the source of living water. Larry Crabb in his book Inside Out talks a lot about this and our table group at church has been going through this book. I didn't think I'd get to really deeply apply some of what he suggested so soon, but it seems God had others plans for me! I run to these wells, perhaps letting fear hold me back, perhaps my job or money, perhaps selfishness or pride, instead of coming authentically and in brokenness before Christ and letting Him wash me with His water and His love. God reveals these wells to me and lovingly shows me how insufficient they are and how He is sufficient.

Being in pain helps in empathizing with the pain of others. Pain can generate a hardened or a softened heart. I can either build walls or I can let my heart remain open and tender as it is loved by Jesus. And in that love, I can feel and love others more deeply. I can pray for and support them in their pain. And I can share the love of Christ that has been shown in my pain with them.

And finally, how incredibly valuable and priceless are close friends! Knowing that I am prayed for, receiving encouragement from friends, having people to talk to, is helpful beyond what words can express. I'm not alone. You are not alone. People who love and support, those who are present and available, are such a huge help. Where would Israel have been had it not been for Aaron and Hur to hold Moses' hands up in the battle (Exodus 17)? Oh that would be like them and not like Job's friends!

I am me

I am me
I'm what you see
My heart on sleeve
It's loud and free
I am me.

I am me
Romantic I
Movies I cry
Passion does fly
I am me.

I am me
My voice is loud
I am too proud
By life I'm wow'd
I am me.

I am me
Opinions too
I have a few
Reduce I do
I am me.

I am me
Slurp through a straw
With loud guffaws
Without much cause
I am me.

I am me
Work in progress
I do confess
Imperfect, yes
I am me.

I am me
Not change will I
To satisfy
Where mind might fly
I am me.

I am me
To live as free
Not people please
But just to be
I am me.

I am me
From this my heart
It is a start
To show a part
I am me.

I am me
This I must stress
Not to impress
Nor make you less
I am me.

I am me
All I can do
Is say to you
That this is true
I am me.

I am me
Within His love
Covered by blood
Scrubbing the mud
I am me.

I am me
I am in Christ
Bought with great price
By love enticed
I am me.

I am me
Imperfect be
Finish will He
This work to free
I am me.

I am me
Jesus in thee
Does make me see
That you are you
And
I am me.

Materialism

I enjoy helping friends move. It probably sounds a bit strange, but I like the physical exercise, the fun times with friends as we grunt and groan and heave stuff up and down stairs, and the taste of water and pizza after all the hard work. In addition to this, I like how it challenges me with the stuff that I own—I go home after helping someone move and usually throw some of my stuff away. Tonight, the sermon at IBC was on materialism, which is something that has been on my heart and mind for a while now.

I have a lot of stuff and I buy a lot of stuff. I don’t need this stuff and sometimes I don’t even really want the stuff I buy; I just do so because maybe I’ll be a little happier if I have it. I’ve been cleaning out boxes and drawers lately and getting rid of things that I hardly ever use (if at all). I am amazed at how many of these things I have that have cost me a decent amount of money and yet I’ve never or hardly used them! What a waste! This is not being a good steward of the money that Christ gives me. I have a box of computer games and some random equipment that have easily cost me over the years $40-50 per game, and yet now it sits in a garage collecting dust, listed on Craig’s List for $10 and not a single phone call. I could hardly wait to get the games and play them several years ago and yet now, all together, they aren’t worth anything. There was a joystick I bought, used once, and then put it back in the box, only to sit for several years before getting rid of it a few weeks ago. There is the pen that I thought I needed to help me go back to hand-writing a journal that would save the handwriting to a computer that is now sitting unused and I am in the process of getting rid of it. Those are just a few examples of the many things that have been wasted.

How quickly the stuff we own starts to own us! We move to larger apartments and homes to make room for what we buy, get alarms to protect our stuff, buy safes to protect it, and locks, chains, keys, and bolts. If that isn’t enough, we insure what we own, spend money to maintain it and keep it looking nice, and then after we die, it’s sold in an estate sale for a tiny fraction of what we invested in it. We can’t really take it with us and most of the time our families don’t want it!

Thankfully, with all of this, I feel like my purchasing habits are starting to change. I question the purchase of an item a lot more now; do I really need it, can I live without it, what am I going to do with it, and am I actually going to use it immediately? What else might I do with the money saved by not buying it that would be a better use? C.S. Lewis suggests that if our giving habits do not cause us to feel some pain and make us reduce our spending habits, maybe we aren’t giving enough. Does my spending reflect the importance of Christ in my life, or how selfish I am? What about you?

Every Little Girl is a Princess

I started reading one of my childhood favorites this morning, a novel by George MacDonald called The Princess and the Goblin.  He opens the book with the following dialogue between him and his reader:

“But, Mr. Author, why do you always write about princesses?”
“Because every little girl is a princess".”
“You will make them vain if you tell them that".”
“Not if they understand what I mean.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“What do you mean by a princess?”
“The daughter of a king.”
“Very well, then, every little girl is a princess, and there would be no need to say anything about it, except that she is always in danger of forgetting her rank, and, behaving as if she had grown out of the mud.  I have seen little princesses behave like the children of thieves and lying beggars, and that is why they need to be told they are princesses.  And that is why, when I tell a story of this kind, I like to tell it about a princess.  Then I can say better what I mean, because I can then give her every beautiful thing I want her to have.” (my emphasis)

MadDonald writes about princesses because little girls have a tendency to forget who they are and who their father is.  This is so true with the believer in Jesus Christ!  How often we forget who we are and Who our Father is!  We are reminded constantly in the Bible of our standing in Christ, who we once were and no longer are, who we are now, and what Christ is making us to me.  We are to lay aside the “old self” and put on the “new self” (Col 3:10, Eph 4:22, 24), we are adopted children of God (Romans 8:15, Eph 1:5), and we are to live as Christ by “clothing ourselves with Him” (Romans 13:14).  In short, we are to be and act like children of God because He has made us His children in Christ Jesus.  Living in this knowledge transforms our behavior.  Am I acting like a son of the good and perfect Father (James 1:17)?

It reminds me of something Lewis wrote of “an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.”

What am I doing in the mud?

Chesterton

I’ve been reading G.K. Chesteron’s book Orthodoxy the past couple of months and am discovering how much I enjoy his writing style and personality.  What I most enjoy about him is that he brings me back to an honest romantic view of life, which is one I try hard to avoid.  It is so easy to grow cynical and tired of everything and how refreshing it is to be reminded yet again that there is more to life than meets the eye.  The longings of the heart indicate there is something that can fulfill those.  To quote from the first chapter:

[W]e need this life of practical romance; the combination of something that is strange with something that is secure.  We need so to view the world as to combine an idea of wonder and an idea of welcome.  We need to be happy in this wonderland without once being merely comfortable.

And in chapter four:

[T]he strongest emotion was that life was as precious as it was puzzling.  It was an ecstasy because it was an adventure; it was an adventure because it was an opportunity.  The goodness of the fairy tale was not affected by the fact there might be more dragons than princesses; it was good to be in the fairy tale.  The test of all happiness is gratitude; and I felt grateful, though I hardly knew to whom.

It reminded me of the delight in my childhood over fairy tales and how much I loved them and dreamed of being in them (and he describes his own similar feelings in the paragraphs surrounding the above quote).  As I’ve grown older, I’ve grown more realistic about life, trading dreams of my youth for the reality of the world, and in doing so, lost much of the joy and excitement of being alive.  I defined realism as harsh honesty about and acceptance of reality, when in fact, “as long as you have mystery you have health; when you destroy mystery you create morbidity” (from chapter 2).

I look forward to sharing more as I continue reading his books.  They are a key that unlocks part of my heart.

Obedience, Freedom, and Joy

Lately, I’ve been learning a lesson in the relationship between obedience and freedom, one which at first glance, seems to be a contradiction.  This lesson, like others, has come through the experience of having a dog.

Our first family dog, Sandy, loved our pleasure at her obedience.  She willingly, and joyfully, obeyed, responding quickly and enthusiastically to the training we took her through during the first year we had her.  Within a few months, she would come, sit, lay down, stay, heel, and for fun, beg and shake.  Her obedience, for the most part, was joyful and prompt.  She trusted in the goodness of her masters and did as she was told.  What was the result?  Not only the joy of the master (us), but greater freedom for her.  Once we knew she would come when called, we no longer needed the leash, and our walks and times of taking her out to play became greater arenas of freedom for her.  We gave her the freedom to explore because we were confident in her obedience in that freedom.  Her obedience not only resulted in greater freedom, but an increased joy, as she was able to enjoy that freedom, and we were able to relax on the walks (instead of the constant training).

Fast forward to present day, with a five-month old beagle puppy, who in addition to being young, is a breed that is rather difficult to train.  Because of this, Coco is kept on a leash, and is not allowed the greater freedom that Sandy used to enjoy.  It is my hope that through more time and training, we will get to the place that she will obey, so that she can be given greater freedom.  It is my desire, as her master, to let her run free, to let her experience greater joy in being a dog, but this freedom can and will only be granted by her certain obedience.  When I am confident in her obedience, she will be allowed to run free.  Last weekend some friends and I went for a walk in the woods and she was given the freedom to run around and she loved it!   It was a joy for me to see her have so much fun and it is my desire that she experiences more of this.

Are the limitations imposed by the leash and choke chain because of a mean master or the doubtful obedience of the dog?  Applying this to the Christian walk, are some of the limitations or lack of things due to the Potter or in some cases because of the stubbornness of the clay?  Perhaps I am not given what I want, because I could not handle the “freedom” that is granted in order to have that want.  Obedience precedes freedom.

2009 Reading List

In an attempt to keep track of the books I have read, I am going to start doing an annual reading list.  Here are the books (those I can remember) that I read in 2009, in alphabetical order:

• 7 Harry Potter books by J. K. Rowling
• A Conflict of Visions by Thomas Sowell
• Capitalism and Freedom by Milton Friedman
• Charm School by Nelson DeMille
• Common Sense* by Thomas Paine
• Darkness Falls by Kyle Mills
• Economic Facts and Fallacies by Thomas Sowell
• End the Fed by Ron Paul
• Extreme Measures by Vince Flynn
• First Family by David Baldacci
• Founding Brothers by Joseph J. Ellis
• Free to Choose by Milton Friedman
• Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
• Letters to a Young Conservative by Dinesh D’Souza
• Male and Female by Margaret Mead
• Men and Marriage by George Gilder
• Mere Christianity* by C.S. Lewis
• Pursuit of Honor by Vince Flynn
• Solving the Riddle of Self by John Powell
• The 5,000 Year Leap by W. Cleon Skousen
• The Cato Handbook for Policymakers by The Cato Institute
• The Closing of the American Mind by Alan Bloom
• The Constitution of the United States: Its Sources and Its Application by Thomas James Norton
• The Discipline of Grace by Jerry Bridges
• The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard
• The First American: The Life and Times of Benjamin Franklin by H.W. Brands
• The Law* by Bastiat
• The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
• The Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen
• The Quest for Cosmic Justice by Thomas Sowell
• The Revolution by Ron Paul
• The Road to Serfdom (Reader’s Digest Version)* by F.A. Hayek
• The Tempting of America by Robert Bork
• What Has the Government Done to our Money* by Murray Rothbard
• Windows of the Soul by Ken Gire
• Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen

*Available online for free from Google Scholar or other sources

Substitutes

I've been working on training my new puppy, Coco, to not bite my hands (which has been rather difficult) and have found that it is important to have something for her to bite on as a substitute for my hand.  If I simply grab her nose and tell her not to bite me, but give her nothing afterward, she tries to bite me again (note that this is all playful biting and not 'you look like lunch' biting).  She is much better about not biting me when I give her something else to bite on.

There is a spiritual lesson here (actually, this is a general life lesson that applies to everything).  If I want to stop a habit, it will be more effective to have something else to replace it with instead of just stopping it and doing nothing more.  I struggle a lot with stopping some things and I think one reason why is in some cases I am not replacing them with anything, so I fall back into the old habits rather quickly.  I need to find myself a bone or pull toy :).

What about you?  Do you have substitutes?  Are they effective?

Perspective

The church I attend just finished a series on the life of Joseph, one of the Old Testament characters who was sold into slavery by his brothers, bought by an Egyptian captain, sent to jail because the captain's wife lied about an attempted rape, and finally, over 17 years after being sold by his brothers, elevated to being second on command of all of Egypt.  One thing that has stayed with me about the series was the idea that periods of his story don't make sense when viewed from the perspective of Joseph.  For his faithfulness, he was sent to prison.  Favorite son, sold into slavery for 17 years.  Locked in prison for years because of a lie told by a spurned woman.  Large parts of his life are a mess and going through them I think would have been not only extremely difficult, but very easy to lose faith.  How is one to hold on to hope in the midst of such circumstances?  I think one way is by realizing that my story is only a small part of the larger story that is about God.  Just as picking a random page in a book would very likely be confusing to read because it is out of context, so viewing my life without any eternal, bigger picture, could easily cause me to get lost in my problems and struggles.  A puzzle piece is meaningless without the puzzle, a chapter lacks the context of the book that contains it, organs function as part of the whole body, and my story is only a tiny part of the grand story of God.

Saw Blades and Cigarette Butts

I was walking my puppy this afternoon and as we were walking down the sidewalk, she came across a broken saw blade, which she promptly tried to pick up. I reached down and blocked her from picking it up with her mouth and we continued the walk, with her for a few seconds straining at the leash trying to still get to it. We continued on and a few minutes later she found a cigarette butt in the grass that she started chewing on and I removed it from her mouth and threw it away. She did not seem too happy about that being taken away either. I know my intentions towards her and my care for her motivates me to take things away from her that I know will hurt her. I do this, not because I am some mean spoil-sport that delights in ruining her fun, but because I love her and can see the danger in some things that she does not understand. While a saw blade to a two month old puppy looks like something fun to chew on, it would quickly land her at the vet with stitches and several weeks of pain. A cigarette butt isn't exactly something I want her to eat because the chemicals would not be good for her stomach.

As I was thinking about my reasons for taking these things away and trying unsuccessfully to explain to her what I was doing (she's a terrible listener), I was struck at how this is how I relate to God. What are my saw blades and cigarette butts that I whine and complain when He takes them away from me? Does He, the perfect Father, not do so out of love and infinite knowledge for my good? Why do I kick and scream, or pout because He took away something that I thought would bring me joy? What I want is for my dog to trust in my love for her and that my goodness towards her will bring her greater happiness than she on her own could possibly experience. Is this not what God wants for me? Should I not be willing to surrender my saw blades and cigarette butts to Him, knowing that a greater fun awaits, and even if not immediately, that what He is taking away is for my good?

What are your saw blades and cigarette butts that you find so difficult to surrender to Him?

Reality and Faith

One of my biggest struggles is with trying to understand the relationship between reality and spirituality. I feel a lot of frustration at times with what I perceive as "spiritual" ideas or concepts because I don't feel like these reflect an accurate picture of reality and thus won't be successful or practical in the long run. A conversation with a good friend last Tuesday brought this issue back up again and as I was thinking about it the following morning, I came across a passage that beautifully gave what might be the answer.

Without become weak in faith he [Abraham] contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah's womb; yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waiver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform. (Romans 4:19-21)

Here is a man, called the "friend of God" by God Himself, who considered and accepted reality -- he and his wife's inability to have a child -- and yet even in embracing and accepting that reality (and I might even say because of his acceptance of this reality), his faith in God grew stronger. When one sees the impossibility of the situation, one is faced with either despair in the circumstance, or, in the case of the believer, hope and faith that only God has the power to work through the situation. This is what I mean by the acceptance of the reality being a partial catalyst in his faith growing stronger. Neither he nor his wife were getting younger and they were well past their child-bearing years. Yet this fact, this real situation, caused him to cast his hope and faith even more onto the God who had promised and who he believed could perform his promise.

What do I do in the different situations where I see a seemingly hopeless situation that I don't have the power or ability to change? The stories written were for our edification and encouragement -- look and see what happened to them and what God did in their lives. If God took a man and his wife and enabled them to conceive and have a son decades after that time had past, could He not change my heart and my life? Is anything too hard for Him? What will I do when faced with reality? Will I turn towards Him and increase my hope and faith in Him, or cry that the giant is too big, not seeing the greatness of God that makes any giant but a grain of sand on the seashore? Could not He who formed the earth and spoke everything into existence have the power to mold me into the image of His Son? Oh me of little faith, or as Dr. Bailey pointed out in the translation, oh little faither!

C.S. Lewis Conversion

As I was reviewing my notes in preparation for facilitating another table group study through Mere Christianity, I was reminded again of why C.S. Lewis and others (Chesterton, MacDonald, etc.) are so near to my heart:
 

"Remember, I had always wanted, about all things, not to be "interfered with."  I had wanted (mad wish) "to call my soul my own."  I had been far more anxious to avoid suffering than to achieve delight.  I had always aimed at limited liabilities.  The supernatural itself had been to me, first, an illicit dram, and then, as by a drunkard's reaction, nauseous.  Even my recent attempt to live my philosophy had secretly (I now knew) been hedged round by all sorts of reservations.  I had pretty well known that my ideal of virtue would never be allowed to lead me into anything intolerably painful; I would be "reasonable."  But now what had been an ideal became a command; and what might not be expected of one?  Doubtless, by definition, God was Reason itself.  But would he also be "reasonable" in that other, more comfortable, sense?  Not the slightest assurance on that score was offered to me.  Total surrender, the absolute leap in the dark, [was] demanded.  The reality with which no treaty can be made was upon me.  The demand was not even "All or nothing."  I think that stage had been passed, on the bus top when I unbuckled my armor and the snowman started to melt.  Now, the demand was simply "All."

"You must picture me alone in that room in Magdalen, night after night, feeling, whenever my mind lifted even for a second from my work, the steady, unrelenting approach of Him whom I so earnestly desired not to meet.  That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me.  In the Trinity Term of 1929 I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all of England.  I did not then see what is now the most shining and obvious thing; the Divine humility which will accept a convert even on such terms.  The Prodigal Son at least walked home on his own feet.  But who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape?  The words compelle intrare, compel them to come in, have been so abused by wicked men that we shudder at them; but, properly understood, they plumb the depth of the Divine mercy.  The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and His compulsion is our liberation." (Surprised by Joy, 220-221)

So much of this sticks out to me as I read this.  I think one of the things I most identify with is his statement: I had been far more anxious to avoid suffering than to achieve delight.  If there was a statement that would sum up my life, this is it!