MP3 Music Downloads

Amazon has opened its DRM-free music store! You may download music from its store that is not copy protected, and it is in 256 kbps! Here is what Amazon says:

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Visit amazon.com.

I am an idiot

I was reading my brother's blog and he made a statement that caught my attention. In reference to what my dad taught us as children, he said: "I am a [huge] idiot for ever believing in all that [trash]." This is a statement I have made before, so I understand where he is coming from. I want to walk through some of the things I have learned through my healing process. Perhaps it will be beneficial to others.

In her excellent book, Becoming Real, Dr. Saltz argues that our childhood stories hold us back from becoming real, authentic, adult individuals. We create our childhood stories in order to survive and harmonize what we experience as we grow up. Let me give you an example:

• A father regularly tells his daughter to shut up when he is home.
• The daughter thinks: there something wrong with me. Here is where our childhood state limits us. We can't blame our parents because we need them. It is a terrifying thing for a child to imagine that a parent is wrong (where else will the child go?). In fact, we almost never do. Please understand that as you read this, you can see that the father is being an ass. But a child rarely will be able to see such a thing.
• Therefore, if the parent is not to blame, then the fault is: me. I am at fault, I am the problem, I am the issue. In the example of the daughter, she will feel that my opinion and words don't matter because I am not important and there is something wrong with me. I am worthless and don't have any value and that is why daddy doesn't want me to talk. It is easy to see this as faulty logic as an adult, but a child does not have such mental competence.
• The daughter will now grow up believing this, even as an adult, and will act in a manner consistent with the "story" (I am not worth being heard) she created as a child.
  

One of the purposes of counseling is to find such false stories and "re-tell" them in a manner that is true. In the process, one goes through a few stages that can be terrifying, uncomfortable, and painful. These are stages that I have been through and continue to go through as I discover stories, discover the deeper impact of already-discovered stories, and accept the truth of the newly re-told stories. These stages are not comprehensive or guaranteed to occur in the order listed.

Stage 1: I am not worth being heard because there is something wrong with me.
Stage 2: My parents were idiots and morons and I hate them. (we have identified that the fault is the dad's, not ours and then we switch our anger)
Stage 3: My parents are imperfect and probably have stories of their own they never dealt with.

Stage 1

We must identify the story and the source of the story -- why do I think this way? What was communicated to me, verbally or non-verbally, in my childhood? Who communicated it to me? What happened that caused it to be communicated to me? What am I believing about myself that may not be true? I identify the story, "Something is wrong with me", and then I identify the story's source, "Dad wouldn't listen to me." Once we have identified both, we can then check our conclusion. Just because dad wouldn't listen to me doesn't mean something is wrong with me. Maybe something is wrong with him ! And so we move to...

Stage 2

The years of anger and frustration we have aimed at ourselves comes boiling out at the people who have hurt us. All this time we have felt the fault is ours. We have discovered we were lied too, or treated horribly. The appropriate anger over this is felt and finally directed (sometimes verbally) at the culprit (and not us). Instead of feeling self-loathing, the daughter now feels anger and hurt from the words spoken to her by her dad. She is angry at him because of how he treated her as a child, and for just cause! I have said before that wounds must be felt before they can be healed. This is a very necessary and important part of the healing process. The caution here is when and if to express this to the parent. The daughter may decide not to discuss this with her dad, either because he is unavailable, or would not be receptive. What matters is that she finally identifies the person who was wrong and charges them with the wrong (by "charge" I mean ascribing fault), instead of believing that she was wrong.

Many, if not most, people get stuck before stage 1 or somewhere in stage 2. Either I am angry at myself and don't know why (or I know why and don't care), or I am angry with my parents, and stop there. It is scary to actually move beyond the wounded state and into healing. After all, a broken leg might get me more attention or care than if it were fine. I'd actually have to run the race of life a little faster if this leg were healed.

Stage 3

After accepting the story is false and feeling the anger and hurt towards the people responsible, we are then at a place where we can chose to accept the parent with their mistakes. You cannot skip from "the problem is with me" to this stage -- feeling the hurt and anger is essential to healing. Just as healing is personal, so are the decisions once the story is re-told. In my own life, I have chosen not to have contact with my dad, because he continues his destructive habits towards others. At some point, when I start to understand that I actually have value , it makes me a lot less likely to accept or even be around those who would try to deny it. But that is my choice. It is an extreme one, and likely not one you would have to make. What is important is to create boundaries in your life that are consistent with the new, truthful story. The daughter might think, " I am a person of worth and therefore what I have to say is worth hearing. Therefore, if I am interrupted or told to shut up by my dad in the future, I will gently, but firmly confront him and tell him that I am not finished or I want to talk (or arrange for a better time to talk when he will listen). If he does not respect this stance, then I will not talk to him." Our new boundaries will be met with resistance, both by ourselves and others. Our false story will keep trying to reassert itself and we will regularly have to keep reminding ourselves of its falsehood. And other people may have been spoiled to the "door mat" that we were for them that we will no longer be for them.

This is healing. This is when the person has reached a place of maturity, when a wound has been recognized, felt, and healed. This is when an adult acts as an adult, out of genuine wishes, desires, and choices, instead of wounds, false stories, and a battered self image.

Additional Thoughts

I want to emphasize again that the stages I have listed are not complete nor are they necessary in order. Healing is unique to the individual, and your healing will take a very personal route that is specific to you. The main emphasis of this post is that you are a person of value, and if you do not believe that to be true, you are acting and believing a story that is not true . It is worth identifying and seeking healing from such stories so you can live a whole life.

HDTV

I did not realize there was a deadline:

Congress passed a law on February 1, 2006, setting a final deadline for the DTV transition of February 17, 2009. Most television stations will continue broadcasting both analog and digital programming until February 17, 2009, when all analog broadcasting will stop. Analog TVs receiving over-the-air programming will still work after that date, but owners of these TVs will need to buy converter boxes to change digital broadcasts into analog format. Converter boxes will be available from consumer electronic products retailers at that time. Cable and satellite subscribers with analog TVs should contact their service providers about obtaining converter boxes for the DTV transition.

Interesting

I found this post to be very interesting. It is a good warning for the upcoming elections next year.

Bush Bail Out?

This is crap.

Famed bond fund manager Bill Gross said the White House should bail out the millions of American homeowners who face the dreaded prospect of foreclosure this year.

What is true is that millions of American homeowners' eyes were too big for their wallets and now they can't afford their mortgages. It is not the job of the president, Fed, or anyone for that matter to rescue people from stupidity and greed. And how would the White House bail the millions of homeowners out? With tax dollars, paid for by you and me. So in reality, if this were to happen, you and I would pay for the mortgages of other people who bought more than they could afford.

Flying

"A categorical refusal to fly often stems from a fundamental belief about life: the idea that "I need safety at all costs." We take a perfectly valid and functional belief, "I want to be safe," and escalate it into an unreasonable demand, "I need an absolute ironclad guarantee of safety." The trouble with this demand is that it causes you to misperceive the odds."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-20070709-000001.html

Fear Cells

I am very pleased to read of this discovery:

http://pressesc.com/01184528191_cure_for_fear

Needs of Men versus Women

In his excellent book, His Needs, Her Needs, Dr. Harley details the top five needs of men and women. The needs below are generally true of men and women, though it is possible to have any of the needs below, or even one not listed.

5 Major Needs of Women:

Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment

5 Major Needs of Men:

Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Admiration, Domestic Support

Motivation

My therapist asks a question frequently that is finally starting to sink in to my brain. When I am evaluating a choice or action I might make, what is the motivation of my heart? This question can apply to all decisions. And is it uncomfortable! I was reminded of this just now as I thought about something as simple as an email. What is the motivation of my heart in... saying this, doing this, writing this, not saying, doing, or writing this (whatever "this" may be)?

Quotes

I love to read and I come across different things that really hit home with me, so I am starting a regular post category so that I can share these quotes with others. Here are a few that I really enjoy:

It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. (Professor Dumbledore, Harry Potter)

The behavior of the fully human being is always unpredictable, simply because it is free. (John Powell)

To tell you my thoughts is to locate myself in a category. To tell you about my feelings is to tell you about me. (John Powell)

To my ears a lot of religious exortation seems to be aimed about two to three miles above where most people really live. (John Powell)

A man who would be his sisters keeper must protect every woman first of all from himself, from everything that calls itself love... (George MacDonald)

Every father who loved his children, ought to make them independent of himself, that neither clog, nor poet, nor hindrance of any kind might hamper the true working of their consciences: then would the service they rendered their parents be precious indeed! Then, indeed, would love be lord, and neither self, nor fear of man, nor fear of fate be a law in their life! (George MacDonald)

He loves Thee too little
Who loves anything together with Thee
Which he loves not for Thy sake. (St. Augustine)

In every country where independence has taken the place of liberty, the first desire of a manly heart is to possess a weapon... (Alexander Dumas)

Children always say 'do it again'.. God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning 'Do it again' to the sun; and every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our father is younger than we. ( G.K. Chesterton)

When it comes time to die, make sure that all you have to do is die. (Jim Elliot)

Be careful, lest in fighting the dragon you become the dragon. (Nietzsche)

Human Brain

The human body is one of the most amazing things God ever built. I think He enjoys us learning about its design, because we keep discovering just how complex it really is. The article below that I have partially quoted from is about researchers trying to simulate the human brain. They are starting with a mouse brain (3,500 times less complex) and finally were able to do what it does in 6 times the time. And to do so, it is "leveraging IBM's technical resources to the limits". How great is our God!

From the article...

Their first goal is to build a "massively parallel cortical simulator" that re-creates the brain of a mouse, an organ 3,500 times less complex than a human brain (if you count each individual neuron and synapse). But even this is an undertaking of epic proportions. A mouse brain houses over 16 million neurons, with more than 128 billion synapses running between them. Even a partial simulation stretches the boundaries of modern hardware. No, we don't mean desktop hardware. We're talkin' supercomputers.

So far, the team has been able to fashion a kind of digital mouse brain that needs about 6 seconds to simulate 1 second of real thinking time. That's still a long way from a true mouse-size simulation, and it runs on a Blue Gene/L supercomputer with 8,192 processors, four terabytes of memory, and 1 Gbps of bandwidth running to and from each chip. "Even a mouse-scale cortical simulation places an extremely heavy load on a supercomputer," Modha explains. "We're leveraging IBM's technological resources to the limit."

http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,1895,2147452,00.asp

Gas price bill

I am concerned that the House passed a bill that gives the FTC more power to punish gas companies for gas prices. What this does in effect is place price controls on the gas companies, which is almost always a bad idea. Price controls create shortages because naturally, if a company is limited to the amount it can charge, it will naturally (based on the free market) divert its supplies to the place with the highest price, and ignore the places with the lowest price. I highly recommend reading Basic Economics by Thomas Sowell for a better understanding.

http://finance.yahoo.com/expert/article/yourlife/34125

Growth

I’ve been thinking about growth this morning and its difficulties and challenges. All of us have attributes about us that need growth – either to be eliminated, or changed. It could be pride, fear, procrastination, laziness, anger, drivenness, isolation, judgmental spirit, or a whole host of other things. Sadly, these come from the combination of our sin natures and our family backgrounds. All of our struggles are due to sin; some also are because of a wounded heart.

In my blog titled Excuses a few weeks ago, I listed some of my common excuses for avoiding growth in my life. One of the biggest excuses I have used and use at times is: I can’t do it. I want to look at this one in greater detail.

What is true about the “can’t” word in relation to a character deficiency? If I want to climb a mountain, I certainly can’t climb the entire thing immediately. Nor would it be wise for me to do so alone. I need a guide and I need to focus on what I can do. The guide will tell me what to do and where to go, and focusing on the immediate area (putting my foot here is another step up the mountain) will eventually allow me to get to the top of the mountain.

In my own life, I have used the word “can’t” to describe something that truly was unrealistic and impossible. I can’t be a man who is without fear. But that doesn’t mean I allow fear to remain in my life, or that God doesn’t want me to grow. What it means is that I am looking at the wrong thing. I am looking at the mountain instead of at my Guide. I am looking at the distance I need to go instead of at the step I need to take now. God did not ask Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac as his first act of faith – He developed a relationship with Abram and first brought him out of Ur (and this was at age 75).

I cannot underscore the importance of this in working on weaknesses in your life. If you “can’t”, it may be because you are trying to take too large of a step (trying to be perfect now), or you are trying to take a step in a wounded state. This is not the solution or an easy fix, but rather one way I have avoided growth.

Without a daily relationship with God, you will not grow. This is critical and the first step to any character growth. It is also the area the enemy will attack first. If you find that your relationship with God is not where it needs to be, take this step now! Do not delay, do not put it off any longer. You are trying to climb a mountain without a Guide, scale a rock wall without a harness, trying to cross the ocean without a boat or plane. We are told in Hebrews 12 that when we run the race, we do so with endurance and “fix our eyes on Jesus.”

Without the intimate friendships of other believers who are like-minded, you will not grow. The second change God made in my life was to place me in a group of people who loved Him and who came alongside me and supported me as I grew. You cannot grow alone. You cannot climb alone. And you aren’t expected too. God is relational, and He created us in His image as relational beings.

If there are emotional wounds in your life that are unhealed, you will have great difficulty growing. It is very important to address these if you know they exist in your life. We will have wounds and go through a process of healing all throughout our lives. But wounds from abuse, neglect, and absence of critical people in your early life (father/mother/family/friends) need to be investigated carefully and healed. This is usually done through therapy, and I highly recommend looking into it if you are aware of something in your life that needs to be addressed.

If you don’t grow in the situation you are in now, you will find God changes your situation so you will grow. I have seen this in my life and the lives of my friends. God’s goal for you is not to give you a job with comfort, or that you get married, or that you are successful, but rather that you are conformed to His image and His character. If this means being single, struggling in your job, or living with weakness, then He will put those in your life in order to grow you. I have had relationships fail because I refused to grow. I have had my life turned upside down because I refused to grow and God does not give up (praise His name!). Be careful that in your avoidance of growth you do not invite greater change that will emphasize your need for growth even more (which tends to make the new situation more unpleasant).

If you don’t start now, it will only get more difficult later. I have stated before that time does not heal all wounds and that time does not grow us out of our weaknesses. The saying “old habits die hard” is very true. The older the habit, the harder it is to kill. Imagine your character flaws as mounds of earth. Every day you are either taking the shovel and removing dirt from the mound (by placing it on God for His removal) or you are adding dirt to the mound. The mound is either getting bigger or smaller, based on the decisions you are making every day. C.S. Lewis said “That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger [pride, judgment, procrastination, laziness, fear, etc.] today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible.” (Mere Christianity)

I write the above more to myself than even to you, whoever you may be. These are things I have learned and continue to learn as I grow. How grateful I am that His grace is sufficient, that His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). My encouragement to you is start today. “Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as when they provoked me.” (Hebrews 3:15) “He who began a good work in your will be faithful to complete it.” (Phil. 1:6). And above all, the goal of growth is a deeper relationship with Christ.

Morality

I found the following article interesting:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/27/AR2007052701056.html

What the article suggests is that morality is part of the "base" or core part of our brain. I find this fascinating and it rings true with what Scripture says about our creation. Sin is a distortion of our design, not our intended design, so one would expect that evil is a perversion of the design and not part of the design itself.

"That Girl"

Recently, the concept of “that girl” has crossed my radar and it has caused me to think about men’s expectations of women that women think/perceive men to have that causes a woman to judge herself based on those perceived expectations. What I mean by “that girl” is the “cool” girl that lets her man be free to do what he wants. I want to suggest some thoughts on this concept.

First, some of what men expect simply isn’t realistic. If a man expects a woman to allow him to break his promises, to be irresponsible, to be careless, to treat her poorly, then it is the man that is wrong, not the woman who isn’t that way. This may be very obvious, but I still want to be sure that it is clearly stated. So, I would suggest that if a woman is judging herself based on what she perceives men to expect/desire, first ask yourself if those perceived expectations are even reasonable.

Second, there are times when each partner needs something from the other person. Certainly, there are times that you don’t care if he spends an evening or weekend with his guy friends, but there are also times when you need him to be there for you. That is reasonable and normal (as long as it is not excessive, like every day). One of my friends became very upset when his girlfriend came back from a week-long cruise and then wanted to take a weekend trip with her girls the following weekend. This is an example from a guy’s point of view, but I think it still applies.

And third, it greatly depends on the character of the one you are with. My aunt trusted my uncle completely to go anywhere and do anything (as long as he had spent time with her beforehand) because she knew his character. She knew he would be completely faithful to her. She never questioned his faithfulness, and never had too.

If you are finding yourself doubting the person you are in a relationship with (this applies to both sexes), ask yourself what it reveals about both of you – the character of your partner and yourself.

Darkness and light

A couple of years ago my friend John attended the men’s group when we were discussing the Every Young Man’s Battle book. He made a statement that has stayed with me and has been something I have come back to frequently. In our discussion of the sins men struggle with, specifically the sexual ones, John said, “darkness cannot survive in the light.” I believe this to be one of the most helpful statements I have heard, and I want to walk through some of my thoughts regarding this.

Sin thrives and grows in darkness. It shrivels and dies when it is brought to the light – of God’s word, of accountability with Christian friends, of real honesty with the self. I have learned that the more I hide my sin, the harder it is to fight it, and the more I lose. The more I am open about my sin to those around me, the easier it is to resist and overcome it.

Men, I want to address you for a second. God holds you accountable for the purity of any relationship with the opposite sex (recall God came to Adam first in the garden). In my opinion, you cannot maintain this alone. It is almost impossible to maintain this purity if you do not have strong accountability in your life. What I mean by this is that you are honest with other men in your life about what physical boundaries you have and how you do each and every time you interact with the opposite sex. Some of you reading this might think this is excessive. “But I see her as holy and a sister in Christ and so I don’t need accountability.” Just wait until you and/or her aren’t in a holy mood and see how well you resist. This is not in reference to my present situation, but just something I have observed and even find myself making sure I am on my guard against. One of the greatest protections I have in my current relationship is the four men in my life who are constantly asking me how I am doing. If you don’t have this, set it up now. Draw the line, set the standard, and keep dragging the darkness into the light so it does not hurt you and the one you are with! Girls, encourage your man to seek and maintain accountability!

Back to addressing everyone. It is a strange thing that bringing light to sin makes it easier to fight. But I have found repeatedly that when I hide my sin, I lose; when I confess it, I start to overcome it. James 5 says we are to “confess our sins to one another and pray for one another, so we may be healed.” It is not so that we can judge each other, but so we aren’t alone. Satan prowls around us like a roaring lion, and a lion on a hunt wants to isolate the prey from the herd. Fight isolation and the tendency to hide.

One of the ways I know I need to be accountable with my boys is by checking how I would feel by telling them what just transpired. If I wince or am embarrassed by the thought, I know I need to tell them, for my pride and flesh are fighting back. And when I tell them, I feel better – because it is brought to the light and I know they are praying for me and are aware of my struggles. This has been one of the better gauges for me to know when darkness is creeping in. Are there things in your life where the thought of telling one of your close friends about it actually makes you feel uncomfortable? It might be time to consider bringing light to darkness.

Relationship Threats

Relationship Threats

I don’t have a great amount of relationship experience, but these last few months have been a great eye-opener to me about many things involving relationships. It is one thing to read about them – it is quite another to actually live it! I have observed several things in myself that I want to share, specifically regarding what I consider some of the greatest threats (coming from the flesh) to a successful relationship. I believe these not only apply to relationships with the opposite sex, but also all types of friendships and family interactions.

Pride

This is one of the deadly sins, and one of those that God specifically says He hates (stated several times in Proverbs). From this sin comes judgmental behavior and thoughts (“I am better than you”), arrogance, distance, stubbornness, and even feeds selfishness. C.S. Lewis said that pride is essentially competitive in its nature, and how deep and intimate can any relationship be if one is constantly competing with the loved one? I had separated pride and stubbornness, but I personally think that the stubborn sin’s source is pride and selfishness.

Selfishness

This is an insidious enemy and one that in my opinion will kill love faster than most things. Men are commanded to love as Christ loved the church – sacrificial servant leadership. One simply cannot sacrifice and serve through being selfish. Selfishness is the opposite of sacrifice and service. How can I focus on meeting your needs and carefully listening to your desires, wants, hurts, frustrations, and joys if I am self-focused? Christ said to follow Him we must take up our cross daily and follow Him. He paints a picture of dying to self, daily, but even more of what I am finding to be true, hour by hour and minute by minute.

Fear

This is nasty sin, especially because it is so often is covered by lies and deceit. Perhaps “I don’t want to do that” – I claim to be selfish, when perhaps I am really afraid of doing it. Fear loves to hide. Fear will many times manifest itself through other emotions and frustrations. Men, this is especially true with anger. I have said before (and it is not me saying it, but well-documented and known psychology) that anger is not a primary emotion – that it reveals something deeper. Many times, anger is covering fear.

There are many other sins of the flesh that threaten relationships, but these three seem to be fairly significant, in at least my life. And I am learning that God is not interested in me being less selfish, but not being selfish at all. Yes, that is practically not possible, but that is the goal. He does not accept an excuse on my part such as, “Well, I’ve been pretty unselfish this last week, so I can be selfish today.” No, each day we must die to ourselves, and live to Him. I say must intentionally here – because if not, it only creates strain and hurt in our relationships and friendships.

Excuses

It is critical as a young person to do what you can to experience healing and work through the issues in your life that you are aware as soon as possible. Healing is an unusual process because it can take time and doesn’t plot an exact course. It goes through high and low periods. But one can cultivate an attitude of openness to healing that will allow it to happen when the time is right. I say it is critical to work through issues while young because if they are not dealt with, they will be passed down to children and negatively effect relationship and work life.

I have identified some of my common excuses I used in order to avoid healing. I want to list these below and address them with a rational response.

I'll grow out of it over time

Wrong. Time does not heal all wounds. A broken leg will heal broken if it is not set and placed in a cast for a period of time. Wounds need attention, wounds need to be felt, wounds need to be addressed. Ignoring them or hoping they will go away will only deepen their impact as more of a false self will be built up around it.

What do I mean by this? One of my father wounds as a child was that my dad called me a coward when I refused to hit him back one evening when he was being abusive. My excuse in the past has been that over time, I'll just get over that and move on. The problem I ran into is that the person in my life I looked up to the most identified me as a coward and so over time, I began to take that to heart. I began to withdraw from various activities, people, and relationships. I began to isolate myself. I didn't see why I was doing it, just as if someone is ignoring a broken leg, they'll wonder why they can't run. Once I allowed myself to experience the range of emotions such words evoke -- hurt, anger, and finally the admission that such a statement was made from my dad's own wounded state, and thus it isn't true – I was able to start moving past those words and make progress.

I can't change/It's just the way I am

This was/is my favorite excuse. What is really true is a few things: I am lazy and don't want to change, I am afraid to change, I don't believe I can change, I don't see how I can change, and I am being arrogant and selfish by not changing. That may seem like quite a mouthful. Please don't misunderstand -- I know that many of our decisions come from being wounded and when our leg is broken, we can't imagine what a sprint is like. But, we must learn not to confuse the fact that we are not healed now as a statement that we will never be healed. Do we believe in God's power to heal us? Then if I am obedient to Him and place myself in His hands, He will heal me. It is pride/laziness/selfishness/fear that will keep me from His healing power. But such resignation is only an excuse for the deeper issues.

I don't need help

I prefer to do things by myself. I am very stubborn about this. But God made us for community and fellowship. God isn't even alone -- He exists in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! And we are made in His image to experience fellowship with people like us! You cannot experience healing alone. It just isn't possible. You need people, whether it is a therapist, close friend, small group, or family members. The first change that God made in my life was to plug me into His community, with His people, so I might have fellowship, encouragement, and strength from them. I could not have experienced any healing without the blessing that my close friends have been to me.

I don’t want to

This is also one of my favorite excuses. It’s really either I am lazy or I am afraid. Usually it is a combination of both, with the latter having much greater weight. One of the habits I learned very quickly is to act in fear by masking my true desires. It is basically killing or denying the heart’s desire. If I convince myself that I don’t really want it, then I don’t have to grow or do what is necessary to get it, to be it, to experience it. All the while fear is laughing inside because it’s not that I don’t want it (usually somewhere I am dying for it), but that I are terrified of the process. And so it hurts me in at least two ways: I deny my heart, slowly taking away my very life, and I don’t experience the growth and character development God wants in me. In a sense, I live a “double” life because I am split between the hearts core desires and the masked pretend wants.

I encourage you to think through some of the excuses you make that block your healing, if this is the case. Do you live a double life with yourself saying one thing, and then doing another? Are there situations in your life that you don’t understand why you act or react the way you do? Do you have longings and desires, but are afraid to act on them? If so, it is a pretty good indication something is there. And the longer you delay, the harder it gets. God is waiting for you!

My Work!!

This comic is exactly what my work is like... Such a perfect comic!!!

Feelings (continued)

I've been thinking about my previous post about feelings (please read that first before reading this one) and I want to continue my thoughts on this idea of communicating feelings. When I share my feelings, I am sharing myself, but when is the appropriate time to do so?

Part of communicating ourselves to another person means that we take where they are into consideration before we do so. How close am I to this person? How close are they to me? Can I trust them if I share my feelings with them? I think I probably mess this one up the most. Those of you who know me, I am pretty verbal -- and as soon as I say it, Proverbs about a "babbling fool" pops into my head -- thanks God. Anyway, my thoughts here are that in order to be sensitive to another person and really communicate myself to them and for them to feel comfortable communicating themself with me, I need to really exercise care and seek to understand where they are in relation to me. Then I can communicate my feelings and thoughts to them at a level that is appropriate to our friendship or relationship.

That being said, there are some situations that call for an honest expression of thoughts or feelings regardless of where the other person stands. I'm not sure how to tell the difference, but I think looking at Christ gives us a pretty good idea of what that might look like. I do believe it is a man's responsibility to be the primary one to lead a relationship to emotional depth by revealing his feelings first. I think it creates an atmosphere of safety and comfort so a girl can then communicate hers. However, I am finding that there is a balance that is required in doing so. It would be silly for a man to say "I love you" on the first date. For one, I find it difficult to believe real love would occur that early.

I don't want this post to come across as seeking a formula or magic solution that will fix communication issues. Rather, it is my attempt to reveal some of my struggles and thoughts regarding my own communication discoveries and blunders. Good communication takes the other person into consideration when communcating the self.