Values versus Preferences

My therapist had me go over "the List" with her this week and she brought up the concept of values versus preferences to categorize the list items. "The List" is that list of items we currently want/need in a member of the opposite sex. I say "currently" because in my experience that has changed as I have grown. What she said was that it is important that values are the same between two people; preferences on the other hand can be worked out.

Let me give an example of each. One of my "value" list items is a woman who is committed to Jesus Christ and is actively pursuing a relationship with Him. This is a value list item because Christ is so core to my life.

However, a preference list item might be "someone who enjoys reading together." This is (usually) not something that is fundamentally different between two people that shapes and forms the direction and thoughts of their life. And usually a preference difference can be worked out. In this example, perhaps the reader adjusts expectations of how frequently a book is read together, and the non-reader is a more open to reading together.

Let me give another example. I do not want to be with someone who is a regular smoker. At first glance, this could be a preference. But the preference is strong enough that it could be considered a value, and may be even more so if one considers the health implications involved. What is underneath this preference is a value in my life of maintaining good health habits.

So it helps to even dig deeper in the list and discover the “why” under each item – maybe underneath some of the seemingly innocent or even strong preferences are values. And still others may be truly preferences.

I thought this distinction was very helpful in evaluating items on “the list”. What do I truly value and what do I simply prefer? In other words, what are my “must haves” and why are my “would like to haves”?