Releasing the Fantasy and Loving the Real

I didn't talk to my dad for seven years. This began a few months after I moved out of his house. It was because the few times I did talk to him in that period were so destructive and hurtful emotionally for me that it took at least a week after each for me to recover. Later, towards the end of the seven years, I was talking with a therapist about my inability to have a relationship with my dad and therefore my continued total blockage of the relationship to protect myself. He said something that really ticked me off: "Your relationship difficulties with your father are your fault."

What!?!

Now I had been in therapy long enough to know that there's gotta be more. But I was pretty ticked off. How dare he tell me that the pain that I experienced each time I saw my dad was my fault! Ok, deep breath. "Please explain."

"These difficulties are your fault because you are expecting your dad to be something he cannot be and yet you continue to approach him and expect him to do, to say, to be what he isn't and cannot be. You are old enough and have seen enough that you both know that this isn't possible and you are able to approach him with enough caution to guide the conversation and interaction around the issues and topics you know will cause you pain."

Whoah!

This changed, and I mean CHANGED, my relationship with my father. You see, before, I went to my dad with the fantasy expectation that I had of the father and son relationship that I had always pictured that we would have when I was an adult. Me, the independent son, inviting him over for beers and a good conversation about deep topics, or calling him on the phone and having an interesting discussion about current events, or asking his advice on something that I was facing. Him, the wise sage, now ready to dispense advice and yet respecting my independence, ready to listen, to offer feedback, and have good discussion that wasn't always in perfect agreement. But here's the reality of my relationship with my dad: that isn't possible. And frankly, for me to expect that of him isn't loving my dad for who he actually is, but loving some fantasy that isn't even him. Sure, it would be great to have that kind of relationship. But that's not what I've been given, it's not what I have. If I was to have any relationship with him, it had to be a real relationship that recognized and respected his limitations (even those he wouldn't recognize or accept about himself).

This has come with a lot of mourning and a lot of sadness, even today. The last two times I have seen him, I have wished for more, but I've had to accept what is, and mourn the loss of what isn't. I can't force him to be what he can't. I must see him and love him as he is. For me that means I don't get to share all of me with him, because I know there are certain ideas and opinions I have that he could not accept and it would add unnecessary pain to the relationship. It's tough to let go of the fantasy. The fantasy "feels" right.. and in a perfect world, it is! But I must accept my dad as fallen, just as I am fallen too. And turn the fullness of my desires, and sorrow, to the Perfect Father in heaven.

Reasons for Doubt

This is my second post in a series I am doing on doubt in the Christian walk (you can read the first post here). I want to continue to share my personal story with doubt and what I have discovered as the reasons I have doubted continue to doubt when they flare up again.

For me, doubt has had three roots: pain, ignorance, and rebellion. I think it is likely that this is true for most doubt. Let me take them one by one.

Pain can cause one to question the goodness of God. As I felt intense pain in my own life, primarily from what I felt was rejection and distance from my dad, I doubted the goodness of God. Pain and suffering--our own or that around us--can cause us to ask some really difficult questions. Why does pain and suffering exist if an all-powerful, all-good God exists? Why does God allow me to suffer? Or them to suffer? Why would God allow this? Does God even exist? Does He hear me? These are the ringing echos of cries that come from places of deep pain and suffering. And they are best not answered philosophically or intellectually, when one is in the midst of asking such questions! The question behind the question here is not intellectual, but one of the heart. This was one of the big mistakes of Job's friends who tried to "comfort" him by giving him answers in his suffering. Their finest moment was the first seven days when they simply sat with him and wept with him. As soon as they opened their mouths, they were done. Sometimes silence is the only thing we can do.

Ignorance is another root cause of doubt and questioning. This can occur when one has improper views from God (learned, implied, or assumed). As I struggled over the idea of God in my early 20s, my picture and image of God were primarily formed by my dad, and I wasn't thrilled with a God who was in my dad's image. My rejection of God was a rejection of that god, who I thought was as I had been raised. Thankfully, God is so much bigger than our conceptions and if you really want to find Him, He will be found!

Lastly, rebellion is a big reason for doubt. This, I fear, is not one that we find easy to confess, but when we are deeply and truly honest with ourselves, the idea of being accountable for our actions (especially knowing our own sinfulness) and our obedience being due to a higher power doesn't sit well with us. Our American Individualism doesn't want to be told what to do. After all, we have declared our independence and we have no king! The further I walked away from God, the deeper I went into outright rebellion against Him, as my choices and actions were against what His will was for my life. I didn't care. I wanted to go my own way. To quote C.S. Lewis in his struggle with coming to Christ:

"Remember, I had always wanted, about all things, not to be "interfered with."  I had wanted (mad wish) "to call my soul my own."  I had been far more anxious to avoid suffering than to achieve delight.  I had always aimed at limited liabilities.  The supernatural itself had been to me, first, an illicit dram, and then, as by a drunkard's reaction, nauseous."

Rebellion, whether in the form of "leave me alone" or "I will go my own way" can be easily covered up by the intellect raising "objections" to keep one at "arm's length" to God. And thus, I think this is the most insidious and nasty one, and the most camouflaged reason, even from ourselves.

Doubt

After a short discussion on the topic of doubt in my 20|30s church group, I want to further reflect on my experience with doubt in my walk and some of the lessons I've learned and been taught.

I was raised in an ultra-conservative, highly rigid form of Christianity (if you know him, Bill Gothard-style). There was no room for doubt. There was an answer for everything. I grew to expect certain results based on certain inputs. If one was a believer, then certain things would occur and conversely, others would not occur. Christians wouldn't get divorced, or if so, their divorce rates would be exponentially lower than non-Christians. Then I started getting out, first in college, and then on my own as I graduated college, moved to Dallas, and what I believed ran into the hard rock of reality. My assumptions were wrong. What I saw didn't match with what I had understood to be true. I quickly concluded that my understanding was wrong, and in the process, decided what I believed and had been taught was wrong too (the proverbial phrase of 'throwing the baby out with the bathwater'). Quoting from M. Scott Peck in his The Road Less Traveled (and I will address parts of this quote in a latter post since it contains aspects that I don't completely agree with, but it does provide a good context):

To develop a religion or world view that is realistic...we must constantly revise and extend our understanding to include new knowledge of the larger world. We must constantly enlarge our frame of reference... We must rebel against and reject the religion of our parents... our religion must be a wholly personal one, forged entirely through the fire of our own questioning and doubting in the crucible of our own experience with reality.

After trying a couple of churches in Dallas, I finally gave up and went agnostic for a few years and the more I observed of Christianity (primarily American evangelicalism), the more it disgusted me and my doubts became greater. I developed a mental stance that in order for Christianity to be true, my doubts must be fully and completely satisfied and my questions fully answered; and since this wasn't possible, Christianity was an untenable position for me. I continued to hold to the standard I had been raised with, but since that standard wasn't achievable, I wouldn't believe.

I share this personal story in what I plan as the first of a short series of posts on doubt in order to highlight what I consider to be the most important thing I've learned about doubt: you will never have absolute certainty about anything in life and if that becomes your standard, nothing will measure up or satisfy. One of the big reasons I stepped away from Christianity for a while was because my standard for certainty was unreasonable--it was too rigid and strict. I wanted to see, touch, taste, and smell, and that has simply not been given to me, nor to you.

So, I would urge you to consider your own expectations of evidence and certainty as you think about your expectations of God and how He reveals His truth to you. How much certainty are you expecting?

A Grace that Withholds

I was reflecting this morning on the first few verses in Ephesians and God's boundless grace. As I've thought about God's graciousness, I've realized that His grace is evident just as much in what He does not give as in what He gives. The Psalmist writes that "he does not treat us as our sins deserve" (Ps. 103:10). Jesus Christ paid the price and took the wrath of God upon Himself so we would not be the recipients of that wrath. There is so much to grace that is a withholding grace.

This is consistent with our experience in even the daily things we do. There are hundreds of things I withhold from my dog, not because I hate her, but because they are not good for her. In her perspective, I am probably quite a kill-joy at times, but saw blades and cigarette butts aren't good for her! Heck, she'd eat herself to death if given the chance!

For me personally, I can clearly see many things--jobs, relationships, activities, possessions--I thought I could not live without, and yet in hindsight, I am so grateful He did not give me what I thought I had to have. I am grateful He took it away. I am grateful His grace withheld.

Perhaps you can think of things that have been withheld or taken from you, that at the time seemed horrible, but now you are so thankful that He did take it from you. Grace gives--both in what we don't have and in removing what we don't need.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. (Job 1:21)

Fear

As a child, one of the reasons I was very bad at sports was that I was afraid of being hurt--being hit by the ball, being kicked, being injured, whatever. Unfortunately, this was consistent with my attitude towards most things: being afraid of them. I've noticed that my dog exhibits similar characteristics. She too is afraid. She is afraid of other dogs because she is afraid of being hurt (having been hurt a couple of times before by another dog). As I was walking her this morning, we came across another dog who was quite the gentle and sweet dog, but Coco would have none of this dog, for she was afraid. I felt sad because she is missing the freedom of having interaction with her own kind and the fun that can be for her.

My dad's response to my fear was usually anger, which, can I tell you, is really not a good way to get your child to not be afraid?! I went from being afraid of the thing to being afraid of both the thing and his reaction! I was thinking about it this morning as I watched my dog's fear, wondering what I could do to help her.

How does God respond to our fear? Does He get angry? Does He wash his hands and leave us on our own? Does He throw us in the deep end and wish us the best of luck? Exactly the opposite! I consistently see God telling His people that He is with them when He is exhorting them to not fear. For example, in Isaiah 41:10 God says "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you; surely I will uphold you by my righteous right hand." One thing to note is all of the spacial relationships in this one verse.

• I am with you - beside you (around you)
• I am your God - above you
• I will strengthen you; I will help you - in you
• I will uphold you - below you

Perhaps a better response to the fear in another is to enter into that fear with them. Be with them. Be beside them, helping them, supporting them, encouraging them, praying for them. I'm not really sure what this looks like in a parent/child relationship, since I am not a parent. But I might have one suggestion to start. Because my perspective and knowledge is significantly greater than my dog's, I need to be more understanding of her fear, recognizing her limited perspective. This is, I think, part of what it means to enter into the fear of another. With a child, one needs to work to remember (if possible) what it was like to be at that age, perhaps with those same fears. Put yourself in his or her shoes. It will go a long way toward understanding.

Some Turbulence May Occur

I just finished watching The Prince of Egypt, which is a 1998 animation of the story of Moses and the Exodus--the miraculous intervention of God to set the Jewish people free from their slavery in Egypt. Through the plagues, through the pillar of fire that stopped the Egyptian army while the people crossed the Red Sea, and the crossing of the Red Sea by splitting the waters in half, God's strength and power were evident.

As I watched the sea being split in the movie, I noticed there was a lot of fear in the faces of the people as they contemplated walking through the sea. No kidding! There are walls of water on both sides of you held up by One you can't see and you're just gonna trot on over to the other side with barely a thought?! You start to realize just how big God is! The disciples had the same experience when Jesus calmed the storm. Mark says that after Jesus calmed the storm, his disciples were "terrified" (4:41). The similarities and contrasts are interesting. In the Exodus, it took all night for the waters to be divided (Ex. 14:21); when Christ spoke, the storm stopped right then. In both stories, we see the power of God over water and wind, one visible, one invisible. In the former story, the people went through the water. In the latter, the disciples are in a boat on top of the water. Yet both feared death, the people of Israel from Pharaoh and his army, and the disciples from drowning. Moses was simply a representative of God, but Christ was the Word made flesh. In both, God controls the wind and water, one to blow strongly to separate, and the other to cease blowing to calm.

It can feel pretty rough and windy sometimes. Lately, it certainly has felt that way, as it seems like there is more terror, more partisanship, more division than in a while. It's easy to become disheartened and to feel hopeless. But God can use the wind or He can stop it. He can calm the storm or He can create one. He can still the waters or He can separate them. His call is still same: Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith? (Mark 4:40)

My Truth, Your Truth

Last night at the IBC20|30s group, our pastor asked a question about this common phrase "my truth" and "your truth", asking us what we thought of these statements and if there was "truth" in those statements. Put another way, can you have your truth and I have mine and they both be true?

I am a recovering fundamentalist and so I still slightly wince at the phrases my truth and your truth. If truth is true, how can each hold to something different and both be true? I want to jump up and drop the mic of absolute truth and walk off. What I have found is I have held to an overly simplified view of truth and of people, out of fear and laziness of not wanting to actually engage real people in real situations struggling with real issues.

I think much of my--and perhaps your--approach to religion at times can be one in which we adopt a certain set of propositions and truth statements, which gives us comfort in having the "right answer" as we navigate through the complexities of life. It's like the reason young children watch the same movie over and over again--knowing the outcome is comforting in a world that is ever changing. And yet, just as children grow and mature, accepting more complexity and newness and learning to leave the old behind, so too we must leave the simple and move toward the real. And part of embracing this reality is to recognize that people are complex and their reasons for acting and feeling the way they do cannot be squeezed into a simple mold of "black/white", "right/wrong", "good/bad".

We know this about ourselves intrinsically. If I choose to work out, I am doing it 1) so that I might feel better, 2) because it is healthy, 3) so that I might eat more, 4) to look better physically, 5) to burn off that extra cookie I had last night, 6) because I feel guilty for skipping these last few days, and there are at least several other reasons on top of these that I am not even aware of! And all of these are true! And this is the simplest of examples. Imagine the complexity of intention regarding things so much bigger!

I do want to affirm that there is absolute truth and that there is an unchanging, ever solid center of reality that is always true--God Himself, revealed to us in Jesus Christ, spoken through the Spirit in the Scriptures, and acknowledged in the regula fidei. None of this "my truth" and "your truth" is intended to supplant or cast this aside. But we would be wise to exercise caution in what we hold in that solid center and what might actually be outside of it. I know my tendency is and has been to drag as much into that rigid center because it asks so little of me. After all, it's much easier to walk around like the priest or Levite in the story of the Good Samaritan than it is to enter into the messiness of another's life--a messiness that requires me to acknowledge their truth and to love with Christ's love.

More of God, More of Me, Though I am not He

I am in the midst of taking Trinitarianism at Dallas Theological Seminary with Dr. Horrell and as I have been told by many sources, it has been magnificent thus far! It is a lot of material to take in and digest (and ultimately it is hardly being digested but mostly stored away for future thought or at least a vague recollection which can then encourage me to dig further into my notes) in a single week. One thing has stuck out to me in this second day that I wanted to share because it seems so antithetical to how we typically expect relationships to function.

In relationships, we sort of expect that to some extent we will “lose” ourselves in the other person, somehow change, become different, or at least, we feel the pressure to do so. This is actually an indicator of a poor or unhealthy relationship, not a good one. What I am seeing in reflecting on the Trinity and the Godhead – the beautiful mystery of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit – is that true submission and love results in becoming more of who one truly is! The more I enter into the love of God, the more I submit myself to God, the more I actually become and embody – physically, emotionally, mentally – who I am made to be. In contrast to a pantheistic point of view where God sort of “takes me over”, in fact, in Christianity, God sets me free to become more real. And in an interesting way, we kind of “know” this is the case, because when you are in the “relationship” that is right, it is right because you are with a person who accepts you the way you are. The love of the other gives you greater freedom to be and enjoy you as you! That is love – loving the beloved as they are, not as we would try to manipulate them to be.

You may ask: “but doesn’t God expect us to change or to become more ‘Christlike’ or better?” Yes, but in the way one who actually loves the beloved would desire. You see, God sets us free from sin, which is the condition that is binding and preventative true freedom, and He provides us both the freedom and power (by His Spirit) to live more deeply and fully into our design, into how He’s made us. Satan (the Father of lies) would prefer that we live in bondage and in part, limping along with tiny bits of joy, scraps that only cause us to pursue things that can never satisfy. God wants us to live freely and true freedom in its fullest sense will mean loving Him in return – because He is the Creator, Sustainer, Redeemer, and Lover of our soul. We won’t lose ourselves in the process – we will become more of ourselves, which in turn, gives Him more glory, praise, and honor!

A Salivating Dog and Impossible Understanding

My dog has something going on with her mouth right now, as she is salivating uncontrollably and dripping all over the place. Usually this is caused by picking something up with the mouth and there being a reaction to it, which may last for a couple of days. In some cases, it could be something in the mouth, which means one needs to investigate carefully all the corners of a dog's mouth. Needless to say, this is not a favorite activity of my dog!

When I go to the doctor with a sore throat, I open wide when he tells me to, and allow him to peer into the corners of my mouth as long as he needs, hoping he will diagnose the issue and a solution will quickly be recommended. This is because my level of comprehension is roughly similar to that of my doctor's. I have some understanding of cause/effect, I know that he is there to help me, and I should cooperate. But my dog knows none of this. She knows my fingers are probing around in her mouth, a flashlight is shining in her face as I look around in her watery mouth, and she doesn't like it! But I'm trying to see if there is anything that I can find as being the cause of her (and my) distress.

After taking a couple of philosophy courses last year, I have come to understand that there are some things that are impossible for God to do, not because he is somehow limited in His infinite power or weak, but simply because God does not contradict reality and there are things that simply are logically impossible. It is impossible for me to communicate to my dog the intention and heart behind my investigation of her salivation. I want what is best for her. I love her. I want to help her and find the source of her problem so I can do what needs to be done to correct it. I am not torturing her or in any way wanting to inflict discomfort or pain out of some perverse feeling. Yet I am limited -- I cannot communicate my intent to her. I cannot tell her why I am doing what I am doing. I must do what needs to be done, with gentleness and love, knowing that she will never understand. It sucks.

And this is I think something that occurs between God and humanity. We simply cannot understand what He is doing or why He is doing it. Please understand that if God were to make you understand His ways then you would cease to be you! And I'm not even sure it would be possible to understand His ways, as you'd need to be God, which God cannot create.

In addition, I love the fact that my dog is a dog! I wouldn't want to change her to be any more or less than she is. She is fun and brings joy and it is great to see her in all her doggie glory. And I think that God has wisely made us to be what we are--human and fallible--and will not change us, at least not without our consent (and thus why He is willing to allow people to perish). But such limitations come with limitations, some we grow out of, and others we simply continue in because of our nature. God certainly wants us to be conformed to the image of Christ, but I think He is far from interested in us becoming a completely different kind of thing, such as a turtle, or angel, or worse, demon.

One day God will fully transform me into one who can enjoy Him forever. However, while my sin will be removed, I will still be human and I think, still experience things He does that I do not understand. And that is ok, because love does not need full understanding to love.

Meat for Communion?

I was reading in Leviticus this morning and noticed that part of the sacrificial system was that some of what was brought as a sacrifice was for the priests to eat. Part of the animal was burned and part of it was (sometimes) saved for eating. The death of the animal was both a cleansing for sin and a life-provision in the form of food.

When we remember Christ's sacrifice, we celebrate his sacrifice through eating bread in communion, not meat, as a representation of his body. It might be a bit more accurate if we used meat instead of bread as a remembrance, but we do not.

Here is one reason why bread over meat was used: if we used meat in our celebration of communion, it would require death (an animal would have to die). But death is no longer necessary, for payment for sin or for the remembrance of that payment. Hebrews says that Christ's death was "once for all" (Heb. 10:10) and thus even to remember His death by needing to shed blood would confuse the reality of the actual full satisfaction of His death. Christ's death eliminated the need for an animal to be slaughtered in payment for my sin. In the very celebration of communion, in the form of using bread, rather than meat, we are acknowledging the reality that the payment for sin through the shed blood of Christ fully and completely paid for sin and no more blood needs to be shed.

An Anselm Prayer

As part of a DTS class, I am reading Anselm's Proslogion, which is his argument for the existence of God. It is a fantastic read and I especially like his closing paragraph:

O God, I pray that I will know and love you that I might rejoice in you. And if I cannot do so fully in this life, I pray that I might grow day by day until my joy comes to fullness. Let the knowledge of you grow in me here, and there let it be full. Let your love grow in me here, and there let it be full, so that my joy here is great in hope, and my joy there is full in reality. O Lord, by your Son you command us--or rather, you counsel us--to ask, and you promise that we will receive, "that our joy may be full." Lord, I ask that you counsel us through our "Wonderful Counselor" (Isaiah 9:6). Let me receive what you promise through your truth, "that my joy may be full." O truthful God, I ask that I may receive, "that my joy may be full." Until then, let my mind ponder on it, my tongue speak of it. Let my heart love it and my mouth proclaim it. Let my soul hunger for it, my flesh thirst for it, my whole being long for it, until I "enter into the joy of the Lord," who is God, Three in One, "blessed for ever. Amen" (Romans 1:25). 

Love Withholds

Earlier I was eating dinner and my dog, Coco, was earnestly looking at me, hoping that I would give her what I was eating. I said to her (realizing immediately after there are a lot of spiritual implications):

Sometimes I wish you could understand that it is out of love that I withhold.

Sermon on the Mount

Oh no! The perfect law of God

That makes such strict demands

Reflect it does His character

His perfect, holy hands.

There is no way to satisfy

For me to make me right

To do a thousand good things but

Still sinful without light.

And when I read the words of Christ

In Sermon on the Mount

I’m even further than I think

More red in my account.

Be perfect as your Father is

Lust, hate are from the heart

You break his law when only you

Have thoughts, no action start.

You may have heard that it was said

Stay faithful to your mate.

But I say that you break your vow

When lust towards others make.

It’s also said that murder is

A thing you must not do.

But I say hate inside your head

The same as action too.

Be perfect as your Father is

For holy you must be

Approach Him not without clean hands

And heart that is washed clean.

I sit and cry, my God how do

I measure up to you?

How can a filthy man become

So pure and clean and new?

But God in mercy knew my state

In bondage and in sin

He knows there is no way for me

On own to enter in.

And thus He sent His only Son

To step into my place

Receive the condemnation that

Was due without His grace.

Jesus did pay all that was owed

God’s holy, righteous call

Because of Christ, I am made right

Not dead because of law.

And now I read the words of Christ

Through Him the standard meet

No longer do the words condemn,

In Him alive and freed.

Abide

This is based on the early verses of John 15.

Abide in me and I in you

Said the Lord Jesus Christ as He spoke the truth.

 

The love of the Father and love of the Son

Have finished the work, it is paid for and done

 

A branch cannot live unless through the vine

To produce the good fruit that is made into wine.

 

I’ll prune you and trim you says the Lord Jesus Christ

It will likely feel painful but it is worth the price.

 

Let my words deeply sink as nutrition for branch

Accept them and live them without any catch.

 

The pruning and shaping not punishment sake

But done out of love, more fruit will you make.

 

My desire is you to abide in my love

As I in the Father who lives up above.

 

Let my words and commands flow into your heart

Let them transform and change and provide a new start.

 

I am good and love you, I do what is best

I’m always vine dressing, I never will rest.

 

So find rest, oh soul in that I will provide,

As you live out my words and in me do abide.

Walking on Water

Last week in a couple of conversations, I used the story of Peter walking on the water to Christ to illustrate my tendency to spend a lot of time sinking when seeing the wind and the waves (fear/anxiety/doubt/sin) instead of focusing on Christ, believing what is true, and choosing to move forward instead of be stopped by the waves. I was expressing the difficulty I’ve had opening my heart due to feeling like I am constantly sinking or about to be overwhelmed and so I tend to just stay in the boat. Staying “safe” but not really living from the heart, which is rather passionless.

Barely a couple of days later, at church, we sang a song that speaks directly to this story and the lyrics have been going through my mind non-stop since Sunday morning. It was Christ reaching into my heart and speaking directly to those feelings and fears. The bridge (in italics) is especially powerful.

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) (Hillsong United)

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Goodbye, Fantasy

Goodbye to fantasy that please
And promises a life of ease
You make me think that’s it all fun
That I will never have to run.

You promise that love easy be
And any problems fix it me
You take a wish, a dream that’s true
And blow it up and make it huge.

You say that it will all feel good
And yet you steal and take what could
Be joy, life in reality
You rob of life and I’m not free.

The Pleasure Isle does promise all
It cries out loud, with tempting call
Pulling on wounds that lie so deep
And yet at end my soul does keep.

I’ve bought your lie that you can be
All that my heart did long to see
And yet at end all that I know
Despair, there is no place to go.

You say that just the corner round
Happiness is and will be found
But round the bend the lie does wait
And real is lost, what’s left is fake.

I needed someone as a friend
I opened up and let you in
You came to kill, steal and destroy
And thief you are against this boy.

Attractive was your promise to
Fulfillment give, it sounded true
Sign here on dotted line but don’t
Read fine print cause you’ll find it won’t.

You whisper soft with words so sweet
Come play, have fun, it will be neat
But at the end lies guilt and shame
You laugh and play again your game.

“You see the so-called coaster ride
It’s great, “ you say, to take you high
But you don’t say what’s at the end.
Destruction death, you’re not a friend.

When all is done at end of day
You leave and laugh, you’ve had your play
You leave behind an empty heart
Intention was to drain from start.

You poison everything you touch
For joy is lost in things so much
You take me up then throw me down
I toss and turn, am thrown around.

Your promises counterfeit claims
They take and steal and rob my name
My life of joy and freedom too
I’m left empty and feeling blue.

And when I try with all my might
To leave and get out of your sight
You yell and scream, “You’ll never leave
I own your soul, in traps I weave.”

I’ve given you so much my strength
In thirst to quench I drink and drink
Yet quench not does, nor satisfy
I’m left alone, in shame and lies.

I choose to turn my life away
And start anew, this brand new day
Embrace the real, walk in the true
Rejoice in that I am made new.

For Christ has set me free from sin,
It’s in his love that I can win
And live without the shame and lies
To see myself with brand new eyes.

The door is there, it’s time to leave
Take all your empty melodies
My heart though stays, not yours to take
As it in Christ has come awake.

Renounce do I no longer in
I will not trust and you’ll not win
Embrace will I the truth of life
The state of joy, but too the strife.

Renounce I do the lies believed
Go fantasy, you must now leave
In name of Christ, the Chosen One
Bought with a price and now his son.

I turn and view all that I’ve lost
Expensive is, oh what the cost
And yet, in Christ redeem He will
His promise that my heart to fill.

I mourn the loss of fantasy
I know that it can never be
I say goodbye to this old friend
Away you go, I’m on the mend.

Your lies no more believe will I
No more will I left out to dry
I want the source of life and joy
Not empty, false and deadly ploy.

The real, the true, the beautiful
Make my heart sing and with it full
To love with heart redeemed and new
Embracing all that’s real and true

My God in your forgiveness found
How long I’ve been to come around
And yet Father, tender and true
You love and cleanse and make me new.

Oh Christ may I walk in your love
Shown on the cross and by your blood
Your life you lived that I might be
Unchained, unlocked and truly free.

Oh praise the One who entered in
Not to destroy, but ransom sin
And sets me free to live the real
Embrace His life and fully feel.

My Jesus guard my heart today
Always with me each step of way
Keep searching and know well my heart
Be always there, at each new start.

Why Does God Delay

Why does God take so long to change me, especially when for months I’ve been crying out to Him, begging Him to change my heart, pleading with Him to touch and heal? I don’t understand the delay nor the purpose of it. So often, change happens all at once and then periods will go by where it seems like I’m just stuck in the mud, unable to move, paralyzed. I’ve been praying for a while now for a restored heart, as my emotions and heart have felt drained for quite a while now and I have had little feeling and emotion.

I think about my dog, Coco, a fun little beagle, who, like all hounds, cannot be trusted around food within her reach. From her perspective, it might seem mean to her that I don’t leave food within her reach, but I do so because I know if she overeats, she will get sick, and if it were to continue past a point, it would kill her. I withhold from her what she perceives as good because she is not capable of receiving the good responsibly. Perhaps this is one reason for God’s delay. Am I capable of receiving the gift of a restored heart right now? Am I responsible enough to have a whole heart and not foolishly damage it again, through sin or foolish choices?

I allow Coco out in front of the house without a leash, because she is somewhat trustworthy to not run off (although she does need to be checked on frequently). Through repeated training and working with her off the leash, she is able to be trusted some being off the leash. Likewise, God wants in me a particular kind of character, a character that is like Him. Perhaps some of the things I am praying for are things that require more character to both fully appreciate and respectfully treasure. Would I be given a new suit when I continually am found playing in the mud? Perhaps soap and a towel!

I don’t like waiting, but I can at least examine and work on the things that are hindering me from receiving a restored heart.

On Dogs, Noses, and the Spirit

One of my favorite games to play with my beagle, Coco, is multiple versions of hide-and-go-seek.  Sometimes I will hide myself in the house; other times I will hide a toy of hers in a room, and other times I will simply sit on the floor and hide her toy under my legs or hands.  What I find interesting is that no matter how many times we play this game, she tries to use her vision or hearing in the search; rarely does she use her sense of smell.  I can hide her toy in the same spot repeatedly, but if she didn't see me hide it there, she does not think to look there.  The whole time she has this magnificent sense of smell that is unused and untapped, one that would find what she is looking for every time, in short order.

 

As I thought about this while playing with her this evening, I came to realize that this is often how I approach the Spirit's ministry in my life.  I would rather do things in my own strength - thank you very much -- I'll resist temptation, try to act more Christ-like, or reduce a particular bad habit in my own strength.  Nevermind the fact that the Spirit of Christ lives in me and is there, ready and able to strengthen me.  And in truth, without Him, my own frail efforts will fail, just like my dog's attempt at using what she sees is frequently a failure.

 

Why does she, and why do I, continue using such inferior methods?  Because she forgets that she has this amazing nose on the end of her snout (and I forget the Spirit lives in me).  Because she has is not practiced in using her nose, relying instead of her other senses (just as I am unpracticed in the reliance on the Spirit).  Because the use of her nose requires more than sight or hearing (and the reliance on the Spirit requires a different approach of me).  Because she thinks she knows where I hid it when in fact appearances can be deceiving (just as they can in my own life and yet I think I can do it somehow). 

 

The few times when she has actually engaged her nose it has been no contest.  Not a hope, not an attempt, there is no place to hide, because then, she will find it.  Alas, those times are rare.  With her and with me.

 

The analogy does break down in one area, and that is: her nose is part of her, it is something she in her nature is capable of.  Without the Spirit, well, I am simply a dog without a nose.

 

 

Why does God appear nasty?

I am taking another class at Dallas Theological Seminary, this one under Dr. Bingham, and am having my mind stretched and expanded in some interesting and challenging ways.  The class this week is on the History of Doctrine, and a discussion today ensued on why the church ignores much of the Old Testament.  A big part of the reason is because the church is uncomfortable with how God is portrayed in the Old Testament.  He seems judgmental, angry, jealous, vindictive, loves war and killing, and appears downright nasty.  How do I harmonize the Old Testament’s (and even some of the New) view of God with the picture that Christ gives me? 

I posed the question to Dr. Bingham on how we respond to those such as Dawkins, who in his book, The God Delusion, called the God of the Old Testament many of those things mentioned above (and much more).  Bingham’s response was at first surprising and then absolutely refreshing to me:

Justice, when executed by a Perfect Judge, is beautiful.

How in the world can I find those descriptions beautiful?  One of Bingham’s favorites is Isaiah 63:3, which describes God as walking on and squashing, squeezing the blood out of, those who are wicked, staining his white garment with the blood and gore of those He has crushed.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, or maybe like a man being squeezed just a bit :).

The “nastiness” of God simply shows me how serious He views sin.  Read that again.  That anger, that seeming ugliness, the death and blood and sacrifice required by God, is because of my sin.  All of this is a vivid image, a stark reality of just how serious sin is to a holy God.  It is ugly because sin is ugly.  It is bloody because sin is bloody.  It is horrible because sin is horrible.  The consequences of sin are ugly, bloody, and horrific.  The cross is ugly, it is bloody, it is horrific because of sin.  “Without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness of sin.” (Heb. 9:22)

The God of the Old Testament is just as beautiful as the God of the New and He is one and the same.  “How beautiful are the feet of them who bring good news”, the news that Jesus Christ, “who knew no sin, became sin”, took the trampling and anger and fury of God in my place, that “I might become his righteousness in Christ”, so that I might be in the palm of his hand and not under the heel of his foot (Is. 52:7, 2 Co. 5:21).

Prayer for a Friend

Oh Lord, I pray for my dear friend
Who runs and kicks and hides
I want to see in freedom live
And not in Satan’s lies.

It hurts to see this friend of mine
With unacknowledged pain.
I have been there, know what it’s like
With things that were the same.

What wounds exist that cause the heart
To build walls large and strong?
Which causes none to penetrate
So nothing will go wrong.

I pray that you, dear Son of God
Would come and set one free
That you would open friend’s eyes wide
So that the heart might see.

What pain is there, what hurt from past
What things are there before?
What unresolved and unaware
Prevent an open door?

Lord I pray for healing and
For light to shine in face
That sight be giv’n, and heart made whole
As you pour out your grace.

Oh Lord I know, in my own life
The lies that I’ve believed.
Impacted they to partial life
The state that I did lead.

Your heart is large, your arms are wide
And you do not condemn.
Anyone can come to the cross
Which frees from any sin.

I long to see this friend of mine
Live freely through what’s true.
I pray that you will bring to friend
A heart and mind made new.

Also dear Lord protect my heart
From being too involved
Let me just pray, support and love
And trust you’ll catch a fall.