Turning 30

How do I feel about turning 30?

I think back to when I was turning 20 and how many plans I had made for my life then. I thought I had things figured out -- when I was getting married, how long to be married before having kids, what I would do for work, where I would work, where I would travel too and the friends I would keep and stay in close touch with, and on the list could go. I thought I knew myself and the world pretty well and was very firm and dogmatic in my beliefs, opinions, and attitudes. None of my plans have come to pass as I thought they would and some of the things I thought I had to have by a certain time didn't happen. And praise God for His grace in protecting me from my immaturity and my plans! His plans have been so much better!

I sit back and look at where God has me now in life and there are several things that are so refreshing. After seeing my plans fail or change, I usually don't make tightly-held ones. Solomon says in Proverbs 16:9 that "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Lesson 1 from the last 10 years: hold onto your plans loosely. Be flexible.

My natural tendency to be extremely black and white, dogmatic, and inflexible has been significantly broken. There is still a ton of work that is needed in this area, but it is so refreshing to have the freedom to admit and accept doubt, to ask hard questions to which there may not be answers (at least right now), and consider other points of view. Rather than growing more certain about more things, I've grown less certain about many things, don't care as much about others (as I've seen they don't really matter), and on fewer things, I am more certain. Lesson 2: Be willing to embrace doubt and questions and uncertainty.

Another tendency I have is to give into fear and this has been a blockade in my life. Many times fear can influence desires, to the point that desires are modified or denied because at the root there is fear, not because "it just is who I am." I could spend an entire book on this point, but the lesson might be lost. Lesson 3: face fears, embrace desires, and pursue life.

I've also learned that life contains a lot of pain and disappointment and that it is important to mourn and hurt when that pain comes, instead of trying to bottle it up or pretend that it isn't there. Too often I've tried to dismiss situations that have been really sad, or give myself only a certain amount of time to get past something, instead of allowing my emotions to flow and let healing take place naturally. Christ is with us in all of our pain, not only the experience of it, but also the feeling of it. Lesson 4: Acknowledge and feel pain and invite Christ into it.

As I learn more about who I am, it is refreshing to be who I am. Not what other people want me to be, but to be me (I posted a poem last week about this). I still have a lot of work in this area, as depending on the person and situation I adjust my behavior or worry about how I might be perceived. Some of this is good: one certainly ought to be much more polite and cautious in what one says in the midst of a very formal group at dinner versus surrounded by best friends at home over a beer. It is rather challenging to determine the difference in being oneself versus being respectful to others. I think it goes back to what Paul talks about in Romans regarding not causing a brother or sister to stumble. And the line is certainly not fixed! Lesson 5: be yourself.

And finally, I've learned that growth never stops. Ever. You may be growing in a positive or negative direction, but you are growing. Even being stationary is growing -- perhaps in laziness. Pursue excellence and growth; there are so many resources over the years that God has used to change me. I used to think the answers were only found in the Bible -- now I see that truth is everywhere and should be evaluated in light of the Bible. The goal for growth is not growth: it is to be Christ-like. In reading self-improvement books on improving listening skills or on releasing a habits of perfectionism, one can use the resources available today to grow and stretch and become like Christ. That's the greatness of God -- He uses anything and everything if we let Him and make ourselves available to Him. Lesson 6: Pursue Christ-likeness with passion and an openness to change.

Unforgiving Servant

A man who is so deep in debt,
The notes his master still has kept
What man does owe cannot be paid
It is his fault, a mess he's made.

The master calls, the note is due,
Summon the man, all he has too.
The time is up, it's time to pay,
The note came due, on this today.

The man he comes before the throne,
Falls on his knees, he cries and moans.
I cannot pay, please spare my life,
My children too and also wife.

The master sees the man before,
Fallen prostrate on marble floor.
Compassion feels and full of grace,
He steps forward and lifts mans face.

Cancel the debt, this what I'll do,
I'll set you free, your life made new.
You go and live, now free and well,
Show grace to all, your life must tell.

The man does leave, with happy heart,
He feels he has a brand new start.
And bumps into one who owes him,
A small amount, tiny and thin.

Pay what you owe, now I demand!
The other falls on dusty sand.
I cannot pay, please spare my life,
My children too, and also wife.

The man has him thrown into jail,
No payment made, now he did rail.
The master's servants saw and went,
Back to the throne, in shock and spent.

The master rages, just how could he
Not give same grace, that he received.
Bring him again, and throw him down
He'll pay until what's owed is found.

How much like man I tend to be,
Is what this story helps me see.
Oh Christ, my heart so full of sin,
Come wash and cleanse and enter in.

Learning Relational Lessons

So being in pain is really a great way to learn some great lessons. As I'm going through the hurt of a break up, this morning I felt like God showed me two areas that were eye-opening.

Respect is incredibly important in relationships. But you have to be someone who can be respected. It's hard (almost impossible) to respect a door mat. I've been realizing that my fear of losing someone at times prevents me from standing up for myself. In fact, many times I just roll over and go with it -- and how can one respect and ultimately love that? I feel like I have a pretty good knowledge of myself and who I am, but there seems to be insecurities relationally that make me more guarded and willing to put up with disrespect instead of speaking up for myself. I feel like even these are starting to be identified and brought to light.

The other thing I've discovered, closely related to the fear above, is that I tend to avoid fighting. I did not like the way my parents fought when I was a kid and so I created a story that said "fighting in a relationship is bad" and "avoid it at all costs". But to do so, you end up short-changing yourself because you aren't presenting an accurate picture of who you are -- your thoughts, your opinions, your attitudes, your beliefs. Not only that, but some fighting and disagreement is good. It adds some passion and feelings in a relationship and challenges you and grows you together. Simply agreeing with everything said or not saying anything makes things rather boring, lifeless, and dull. I'm afraid that if I argue or disagree, that it will turn out like what I saw so poorly modeled, and thus avoided it. But I don't have to be like my parents (and am already in many ways not like them); I can be me, and take the lessons I've observed and learned and discuss and disagree and even fight in a respectful way.

I am so thankful that God is opening my eyes to these things and it is wonderful to finally have light shined in some dusty and dark places!

Pain

I've been having a rough time lately both in my personal and work life -- feeling a bit overwhelmed with several things that are happening at the same time. I'm in the middle of transitioning out of my current job to leave for a new company, working through some internal team conflict, going through a break up, and feeling sad and disappointed about things. I wanted to share a few lessons that I am learning yet again that might be helpful to you.

One of the big things that going through therapy taught me is not to hide, mask, or push away pain. When it comes, embrace it fully, feel it to its depth, and do what needs to be done -- cry, journal, pray, talk to people. When we try to mask our pain, or deny that it is there, all we do is hurt ourselves more deeply and push the feeling of the pain away. We can't be healed if we don't feel pain. The ache of a hurting heart, the shedding of tears, is like rain that washes away the dirt, grime, and oil. It helps the heart to really feel and hurt and acknowledge loss or difficulty. In some past hurts, I've only allowed myself to hurt to a certain extent, or length of time, or even try not to hurt at all. All I did was delay the pain to another day, when it was even more painful to feel it and heal. Kind of like a broken bone. It has to be set and put in a cast to heal. Otherwise, it doesn't actually heal and you end up crippled. To fix that, you have to break it again and set it right.

Another thing I am learning, and this from one of my roommates, is to invite Jesus into the area of pain. Not for the purpose of taking it away, but for the purpose of walking with me through the pain. This has changed my prayer life in what I pray for as I feel pain. Jesus felt the full pain of the cross, the rejection of His Father, and the weight of the sin of the world on his shoulders. He is "a man of sorrows, [well] acquainted with grief". I don't think that God always takes away our pain immediately and directly (although He can and probably does sometimes); instead He walks with us through our pain and into healing. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." I think this is because God is not primarily after our healing, He is after our transformation. He doesn't want us simply 'fixed', He wants us recreated and made into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ. And pain is a megaphone that God uses to change us. C.S. Lewis writes that God shouts at us in our pain. He has my attention as I hurt and ache and struggle.

I've also learned to let go in the pain and to be transformed and changed. Again, God wants to transform me, not simply to "fix" me. If I allow Him and surrender to Him in the pain, He will change my heart. It has been one of my prayers the last few days -- that I would listen, that I would learn, and that I would be changed. I don't want to run or hide or avoid it, as much as it hurts. And He is teaching me to give up my demands, to cry out to Him, and to ruthlessly trust Him. I wish I could say I've done this well or am doing it well. Thankfully He is gracious and understands my weakness. He knows my heart and knows my desires.

I'm also learning to see self-protective habits and patterns that have been created, "wells" that I have dug for water, when Jesus is the source of living water. Larry Crabb in his book Inside Out talks a lot about this and our table group at church has been going through this book. I didn't think I'd get to really deeply apply some of what he suggested so soon, but it seems God had others plans for me! I run to these wells, perhaps letting fear hold me back, perhaps my job or money, perhaps selfishness or pride, instead of coming authentically and in brokenness before Christ and letting Him wash me with His water and His love. God reveals these wells to me and lovingly shows me how insufficient they are and how He is sufficient.

Being in pain helps in empathizing with the pain of others. Pain can generate a hardened or a softened heart. I can either build walls or I can let my heart remain open and tender as it is loved by Jesus. And in that love, I can feel and love others more deeply. I can pray for and support them in their pain. And I can share the love of Christ that has been shown in my pain with them.

And finally, how incredibly valuable and priceless are close friends! Knowing that I am prayed for, receiving encouragement from friends, having people to talk to, is helpful beyond what words can express. I'm not alone. You are not alone. People who love and support, those who are present and available, are such a huge help. Where would Israel have been had it not been for Aaron and Hur to hold Moses' hands up in the battle (Exodus 17)? Oh that would be like them and not like Job's friends!

I am me

I am me
I'm what you see
My heart on sleeve
It's loud and free
I am me.

I am me
Romantic I
Movies I cry
Passion does fly
I am me.

I am me
My voice is loud
I am too proud
By life I'm wow'd
I am me.

I am me
Opinions too
I have a few
Reduce I do
I am me.

I am me
Slurp through a straw
With loud guffaws
Without much cause
I am me.

I am me
Work in progress
I do confess
Imperfect, yes
I am me.

I am me
Not change will I
To satisfy
Where mind might fly
I am me.

I am me
To live as free
Not people please
But just to be
I am me.

I am me
From this my heart
It is a start
To show a part
I am me.

I am me
This I must stress
Not to impress
Nor make you less
I am me.

I am me
All I can do
Is say to you
That this is true
I am me.

I am me
Within His love
Covered by blood
Scrubbing the mud
I am me.

I am me
I am in Christ
Bought with great price
By love enticed
I am me.

I am me
Imperfect be
Finish will He
This work to free
I am me.

I am me
Jesus in thee
Does make me see
That you are you
And
I am me.

Materialism

I enjoy helping friends move. It probably sounds a bit strange, but I like the physical exercise, the fun times with friends as we grunt and groan and heave stuff up and down stairs, and the taste of water and pizza after all the hard work. In addition to this, I like how it challenges me with the stuff that I own—I go home after helping someone move and usually throw some of my stuff away. Tonight, the sermon at IBC was on materialism, which is something that has been on my heart and mind for a while now.

I have a lot of stuff and I buy a lot of stuff. I don’t need this stuff and sometimes I don’t even really want the stuff I buy; I just do so because maybe I’ll be a little happier if I have it. I’ve been cleaning out boxes and drawers lately and getting rid of things that I hardly ever use (if at all). I am amazed at how many of these things I have that have cost me a decent amount of money and yet I’ve never or hardly used them! What a waste! This is not being a good steward of the money that Christ gives me. I have a box of computer games and some random equipment that have easily cost me over the years $40-50 per game, and yet now it sits in a garage collecting dust, listed on Craig’s List for $10 and not a single phone call. I could hardly wait to get the games and play them several years ago and yet now, all together, they aren’t worth anything. There was a joystick I bought, used once, and then put it back in the box, only to sit for several years before getting rid of it a few weeks ago. There is the pen that I thought I needed to help me go back to hand-writing a journal that would save the handwriting to a computer that is now sitting unused and I am in the process of getting rid of it. Those are just a few examples of the many things that have been wasted.

How quickly the stuff we own starts to own us! We move to larger apartments and homes to make room for what we buy, get alarms to protect our stuff, buy safes to protect it, and locks, chains, keys, and bolts. If that isn’t enough, we insure what we own, spend money to maintain it and keep it looking nice, and then after we die, it’s sold in an estate sale for a tiny fraction of what we invested in it. We can’t really take it with us and most of the time our families don’t want it!

Thankfully, with all of this, I feel like my purchasing habits are starting to change. I question the purchase of an item a lot more now; do I really need it, can I live without it, what am I going to do with it, and am I actually going to use it immediately? What else might I do with the money saved by not buying it that would be a better use? C.S. Lewis suggests that if our giving habits do not cause us to feel some pain and make us reduce our spending habits, maybe we aren’t giving enough. Does my spending reflect the importance of Christ in my life, or how selfish I am? What about you?

Every Little Girl is a Princess

I started reading one of my childhood favorites this morning, a novel by George MacDonald called The Princess and the Goblin.  He opens the book with the following dialogue between him and his reader:

“But, Mr. Author, why do you always write about princesses?”
“Because every little girl is a princess".”
“You will make them vain if you tell them that".”
“Not if they understand what I mean.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“What do you mean by a princess?”
“The daughter of a king.”
“Very well, then, every little girl is a princess, and there would be no need to say anything about it, except that she is always in danger of forgetting her rank, and, behaving as if she had grown out of the mud.  I have seen little princesses behave like the children of thieves and lying beggars, and that is why they need to be told they are princesses.  And that is why, when I tell a story of this kind, I like to tell it about a princess.  Then I can say better what I mean, because I can then give her every beautiful thing I want her to have.” (my emphasis)

MadDonald writes about princesses because little girls have a tendency to forget who they are and who their father is.  This is so true with the believer in Jesus Christ!  How often we forget who we are and Who our Father is!  We are reminded constantly in the Bible of our standing in Christ, who we once were and no longer are, who we are now, and what Christ is making us to me.  We are to lay aside the “old self” and put on the “new self” (Col 3:10, Eph 4:22, 24), we are adopted children of God (Romans 8:15, Eph 1:5), and we are to live as Christ by “clothing ourselves with Him” (Romans 13:14).  In short, we are to be and act like children of God because He has made us His children in Christ Jesus.  Living in this knowledge transforms our behavior.  Am I acting like a son of the good and perfect Father (James 1:17)?

It reminds me of something Lewis wrote of “an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.”

What am I doing in the mud?

Chesterton

I’ve been reading G.K. Chesteron’s book Orthodoxy the past couple of months and am discovering how much I enjoy his writing style and personality.  What I most enjoy about him is that he brings me back to an honest romantic view of life, which is one I try hard to avoid.  It is so easy to grow cynical and tired of everything and how refreshing it is to be reminded yet again that there is more to life than meets the eye.  The longings of the heart indicate there is something that can fulfill those.  To quote from the first chapter:

[W]e need this life of practical romance; the combination of something that is strange with something that is secure.  We need so to view the world as to combine an idea of wonder and an idea of welcome.  We need to be happy in this wonderland without once being merely comfortable.

And in chapter four:

[T]he strongest emotion was that life was as precious as it was puzzling.  It was an ecstasy because it was an adventure; it was an adventure because it was an opportunity.  The goodness of the fairy tale was not affected by the fact there might be more dragons than princesses; it was good to be in the fairy tale.  The test of all happiness is gratitude; and I felt grateful, though I hardly knew to whom.

It reminded me of the delight in my childhood over fairy tales and how much I loved them and dreamed of being in them (and he describes his own similar feelings in the paragraphs surrounding the above quote).  As I’ve grown older, I’ve grown more realistic about life, trading dreams of my youth for the reality of the world, and in doing so, lost much of the joy and excitement of being alive.  I defined realism as harsh honesty about and acceptance of reality, when in fact, “as long as you have mystery you have health; when you destroy mystery you create morbidity” (from chapter 2).

I look forward to sharing more as I continue reading his books.  They are a key that unlocks part of my heart.

Obedience, Freedom, and Joy

Lately, I’ve been learning a lesson in the relationship between obedience and freedom, one which at first glance, seems to be a contradiction.  This lesson, like others, has come through the experience of having a dog.

Our first family dog, Sandy, loved our pleasure at her obedience.  She willingly, and joyfully, obeyed, responding quickly and enthusiastically to the training we took her through during the first year we had her.  Within a few months, she would come, sit, lay down, stay, heel, and for fun, beg and shake.  Her obedience, for the most part, was joyful and prompt.  She trusted in the goodness of her masters and did as she was told.  What was the result?  Not only the joy of the master (us), but greater freedom for her.  Once we knew she would come when called, we no longer needed the leash, and our walks and times of taking her out to play became greater arenas of freedom for her.  We gave her the freedom to explore because we were confident in her obedience in that freedom.  Her obedience not only resulted in greater freedom, but an increased joy, as she was able to enjoy that freedom, and we were able to relax on the walks (instead of the constant training).

Fast forward to present day, with a five-month old beagle puppy, who in addition to being young, is a breed that is rather difficult to train.  Because of this, Coco is kept on a leash, and is not allowed the greater freedom that Sandy used to enjoy.  It is my hope that through more time and training, we will get to the place that she will obey, so that she can be given greater freedom.  It is my desire, as her master, to let her run free, to let her experience greater joy in being a dog, but this freedom can and will only be granted by her certain obedience.  When I am confident in her obedience, she will be allowed to run free.  Last weekend some friends and I went for a walk in the woods and she was given the freedom to run around and she loved it!   It was a joy for me to see her have so much fun and it is my desire that she experiences more of this.

Are the limitations imposed by the leash and choke chain because of a mean master or the doubtful obedience of the dog?  Applying this to the Christian walk, are some of the limitations or lack of things due to the Potter or in some cases because of the stubbornness of the clay?  Perhaps I am not given what I want, because I could not handle the “freedom” that is granted in order to have that want.  Obedience precedes freedom.

2009 Reading List

In an attempt to keep track of the books I have read, I am going to start doing an annual reading list.  Here are the books (those I can remember) that I read in 2009, in alphabetical order:

• 7 Harry Potter books by J. K. Rowling
• A Conflict of Visions by Thomas Sowell
• Capitalism and Freedom by Milton Friedman
• Charm School by Nelson DeMille
• Common Sense* by Thomas Paine
• Darkness Falls by Kyle Mills
• Economic Facts and Fallacies by Thomas Sowell
• End the Fed by Ron Paul
• Extreme Measures by Vince Flynn
• First Family by David Baldacci
• Founding Brothers by Joseph J. Ellis
• Free to Choose by Milton Friedman
• Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
• Letters to a Young Conservative by Dinesh D’Souza
• Male and Female by Margaret Mead
• Men and Marriage by George Gilder
• Mere Christianity* by C.S. Lewis
• Pursuit of Honor by Vince Flynn
• Solving the Riddle of Self by John Powell
• The 5,000 Year Leap by W. Cleon Skousen
• The Cato Handbook for Policymakers by The Cato Institute
• The Closing of the American Mind by Alan Bloom
• The Constitution of the United States: Its Sources and Its Application by Thomas James Norton
• The Discipline of Grace by Jerry Bridges
• The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard
• The First American: The Life and Times of Benjamin Franklin by H.W. Brands
• The Law* by Bastiat
• The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
• The Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen
• The Quest for Cosmic Justice by Thomas Sowell
• The Revolution by Ron Paul
• The Road to Serfdom (Reader’s Digest Version)* by F.A. Hayek
• The Tempting of America by Robert Bork
• What Has the Government Done to our Money* by Murray Rothbard
• Windows of the Soul by Ken Gire
• Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen

*Available online for free from Google Scholar or other sources

Substitutes

I've been working on training my new puppy, Coco, to not bite my hands (which has been rather difficult) and have found that it is important to have something for her to bite on as a substitute for my hand.  If I simply grab her nose and tell her not to bite me, but give her nothing afterward, she tries to bite me again (note that this is all playful biting and not 'you look like lunch' biting).  She is much better about not biting me when I give her something else to bite on.

There is a spiritual lesson here (actually, this is a general life lesson that applies to everything).  If I want to stop a habit, it will be more effective to have something else to replace it with instead of just stopping it and doing nothing more.  I struggle a lot with stopping some things and I think one reason why is in some cases I am not replacing them with anything, so I fall back into the old habits rather quickly.  I need to find myself a bone or pull toy :).

What about you?  Do you have substitutes?  Are they effective?

Perspective

The church I attend just finished a series on the life of Joseph, one of the Old Testament characters who was sold into slavery by his brothers, bought by an Egyptian captain, sent to jail because the captain's wife lied about an attempted rape, and finally, over 17 years after being sold by his brothers, elevated to being second on command of all of Egypt.  One thing that has stayed with me about the series was the idea that periods of his story don't make sense when viewed from the perspective of Joseph.  For his faithfulness, he was sent to prison.  Favorite son, sold into slavery for 17 years.  Locked in prison for years because of a lie told by a spurned woman.  Large parts of his life are a mess and going through them I think would have been not only extremely difficult, but very easy to lose faith.  How is one to hold on to hope in the midst of such circumstances?  I think one way is by realizing that my story is only a small part of the larger story that is about God.  Just as picking a random page in a book would very likely be confusing to read because it is out of context, so viewing my life without any eternal, bigger picture, could easily cause me to get lost in my problems and struggles.  A puzzle piece is meaningless without the puzzle, a chapter lacks the context of the book that contains it, organs function as part of the whole body, and my story is only a tiny part of the grand story of God.

Saw Blades and Cigarette Butts

I was walking my puppy this afternoon and as we were walking down the sidewalk, she came across a broken saw blade, which she promptly tried to pick up. I reached down and blocked her from picking it up with her mouth and we continued the walk, with her for a few seconds straining at the leash trying to still get to it. We continued on and a few minutes later she found a cigarette butt in the grass that she started chewing on and I removed it from her mouth and threw it away. She did not seem too happy about that being taken away either. I know my intentions towards her and my care for her motivates me to take things away from her that I know will hurt her. I do this, not because I am some mean spoil-sport that delights in ruining her fun, but because I love her and can see the danger in some things that she does not understand. While a saw blade to a two month old puppy looks like something fun to chew on, it would quickly land her at the vet with stitches and several weeks of pain. A cigarette butt isn't exactly something I want her to eat because the chemicals would not be good for her stomach.

As I was thinking about my reasons for taking these things away and trying unsuccessfully to explain to her what I was doing (she's a terrible listener), I was struck at how this is how I relate to God. What are my saw blades and cigarette butts that I whine and complain when He takes them away from me? Does He, the perfect Father, not do so out of love and infinite knowledge for my good? Why do I kick and scream, or pout because He took away something that I thought would bring me joy? What I want is for my dog to trust in my love for her and that my goodness towards her will bring her greater happiness than she on her own could possibly experience. Is this not what God wants for me? Should I not be willing to surrender my saw blades and cigarette butts to Him, knowing that a greater fun awaits, and even if not immediately, that what He is taking away is for my good?

What are your saw blades and cigarette butts that you find so difficult to surrender to Him?

Reality and Faith

One of my biggest struggles is with trying to understand the relationship between reality and spirituality. I feel a lot of frustration at times with what I perceive as "spiritual" ideas or concepts because I don't feel like these reflect an accurate picture of reality and thus won't be successful or practical in the long run. A conversation with a good friend last Tuesday brought this issue back up again and as I was thinking about it the following morning, I came across a passage that beautifully gave what might be the answer.

Without become weak in faith he [Abraham] contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah's womb; yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waiver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform. (Romans 4:19-21)

Here is a man, called the "friend of God" by God Himself, who considered and accepted reality -- he and his wife's inability to have a child -- and yet even in embracing and accepting that reality (and I might even say because of his acceptance of this reality), his faith in God grew stronger. When one sees the impossibility of the situation, one is faced with either despair in the circumstance, or, in the case of the believer, hope and faith that only God has the power to work through the situation. This is what I mean by the acceptance of the reality being a partial catalyst in his faith growing stronger. Neither he nor his wife were getting younger and they were well past their child-bearing years. Yet this fact, this real situation, caused him to cast his hope and faith even more onto the God who had promised and who he believed could perform his promise.

What do I do in the different situations where I see a seemingly hopeless situation that I don't have the power or ability to change? The stories written were for our edification and encouragement -- look and see what happened to them and what God did in their lives. If God took a man and his wife and enabled them to conceive and have a son decades after that time had past, could He not change my heart and my life? Is anything too hard for Him? What will I do when faced with reality? Will I turn towards Him and increase my hope and faith in Him, or cry that the giant is too big, not seeing the greatness of God that makes any giant but a grain of sand on the seashore? Could not He who formed the earth and spoke everything into existence have the power to mold me into the image of His Son? Oh me of little faith, or as Dr. Bailey pointed out in the translation, oh little faither!

C.S. Lewis Conversion

As I was reviewing my notes in preparation for facilitating another table group study through Mere Christianity, I was reminded again of why C.S. Lewis and others (Chesterton, MacDonald, etc.) are so near to my heart:
 

"Remember, I had always wanted, about all things, not to be "interfered with."  I had wanted (mad wish) "to call my soul my own."  I had been far more anxious to avoid suffering than to achieve delight.  I had always aimed at limited liabilities.  The supernatural itself had been to me, first, an illicit dram, and then, as by a drunkard's reaction, nauseous.  Even my recent attempt to live my philosophy had secretly (I now knew) been hedged round by all sorts of reservations.  I had pretty well known that my ideal of virtue would never be allowed to lead me into anything intolerably painful; I would be "reasonable."  But now what had been an ideal became a command; and what might not be expected of one?  Doubtless, by definition, God was Reason itself.  But would he also be "reasonable" in that other, more comfortable, sense?  Not the slightest assurance on that score was offered to me.  Total surrender, the absolute leap in the dark, [was] demanded.  The reality with which no treaty can be made was upon me.  The demand was not even "All or nothing."  I think that stage had been passed, on the bus top when I unbuckled my armor and the snowman started to melt.  Now, the demand was simply "All."

"You must picture me alone in that room in Magdalen, night after night, feeling, whenever my mind lifted even for a second from my work, the steady, unrelenting approach of Him whom I so earnestly desired not to meet.  That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me.  In the Trinity Term of 1929 I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all of England.  I did not then see what is now the most shining and obvious thing; the Divine humility which will accept a convert even on such terms.  The Prodigal Son at least walked home on his own feet.  But who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape?  The words compelle intrare, compel them to come in, have been so abused by wicked men that we shudder at them; but, properly understood, they plumb the depth of the Divine mercy.  The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and His compulsion is our liberation." (Surprised by Joy, 220-221)

So much of this sticks out to me as I read this.  I think one of the things I most identify with is his statement: I had been far more anxious to avoid suffering than to achieve delight.  If there was a statement that would sum up my life, this is it!

But even if He does not...

I was reading through the book of Daniel and came across the passage about the fiery furnace and the response to Nebuchadnezzar regarding his demand to worship him:

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18)

So these three men are threatened with death by fire if they do not bow down to the king and worship his image of gold.  What struck me about their statement is not their faith that God will save them, but that His saving them from the furnace was not a condition of their obedience to Him.  They were going to obey God regardless of what God did.  If He saved them great; if He did not, they still would obey Him.  What a great example! 

In this story, God did come through.  They were saved from the furnace.  Yet there is another story, celebrated this week, where God did not save His Son.  God the Son "emptied Himself, taking on the form of a bond servant, and became obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Phil. 2:7)  He did so, enduring the fiery "furnace" of the cross, and the rejection of God in order that you and I might be saved.  Here we find that Christ's obedience to the Father was not conditioned upon being saved from the cup that the Father made Him drink--He surrendered His will to the Father and drank it.  "Not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)

Is my obedience to God conditional upon certain things?  What things are these?  Why am I allowing those things to separate me from Him?  It seems that greater faith is grown through the surrender of expectations and the abandonment of one to Him.  Even if He does or does not, will I follow Him?  Will you?

Wounded Healer Reflection

I recently finished The Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen and was really convicted by much of what he had to say. The emphasis on the book is not so much trying to heal others as it is to get the reader to understand that without the mutual identification of wounds and entering into the hurt of another, healing cannot take place. I like what he says in the third chapter:

"Who can take away suffering without entering it?" The great illusion of leadership is to think that men can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there... we have forgotten that no God can save us except a suffering God, and that no man can lead his people except the man who is crushed by its sins.

He then quotes from Carl Rogers, who writes:

[W]hat is most personal and unique in each one of us is probably the very element which would, if it were shared or expressed, speak most deeply to others. This has helped me to understand artists and poets who have dared to express the unique in themselves.

I tend to forget about my wounds, and move on to what I consider bigger things, while losing the memory of where I once was. I think this is one of the reasons you see the pattern in the Bible of telling stories over and over. It is to remind the person of where they came from, what God did in his or her life, and who he or she once was. God commanded the children of Israel to remember:

Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. (Duet. 5:15, see 7:18, 8:2, 8:18, 15:15, 16:12, 24:18, 24:22)

My favorite scene in The Two Towers has Sam saying:

By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you.

Remember where you came from. Remember what He has done. Ministry to others depends on it!

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Is 53:5)

Religion

 Dr. Peck in his well-known book, The Road Less Traveled, has this to say about religion:

 

There is clearly a lot of dirty bath water surrounding the reality of God.  Holy wars.  Inquisitions.  Animal sacrifice.  Human sacrifice.  Superstition.  Stultification.  Dogmatism.  Ignorance.  Hypocrisy.  Self-righteousness.  Rigidity.  Cruelty.  Book-burning.  Witch-burning. Inhibition.  Fear.  Conformity.  Morbid guilt.  Insanity.  The list is almost endless.  But is all this what God has done to humans or what humans have done to God?  It is abundantly evident that belief in God is often destructively dogmatic.  Is the problem, then, that humans tend to believe in God, or is the problem that humans tend to be dogmatic?  Anyone who has known a died-in-the-wool atheist will know that such an individual can be as dogmatic about unbelief as any believer can be about belief.  Is it belief in God we need to get rid of, or is it dogmatism? (M. Scott. Peck, The Road Less Traveled, my emphasis)

I couldn't agree more. 

Wounded Healer (update)

I've been thinking about what I wrote previously and it bothers me for several reasons: I don't like people who write that way, it is very generic sounding and impractical, and it is very intellectual and "high-minded" which I feel is very arrogant. So I want to make a couple of observations on the Nouwen paragraphs that I hope will be more reflective of me.

I liked what Nouwen said because so often I feel like the approach a Christian gives to those outside the church can be very impractical and mystical. We say that "Christ has the power to change you" and that you can "do everything through Him" and yet I wonder just how well something like that speaks to someone who is unchurched. When we speak about our faith to others, sometimes we make assumptions of mutual understanding that very well may not be there. As one who works in computers, I may speak of such things as tags and markup in describing web pages to someone who has barely used a computer as a word processor, much less surf the internet, and therefore my words have no meaning to this person because he or she can't relate to what I am saying.

This is why I love what Nouwen says. It is critical for us to present the Christian message in a way that is practical and relevant to people in their every-day lives. And for this to be true, I think it has to be practical and relevant to our own lives. Only when we've gone through the discipline of working through Christ's message and applied it to our lives, in our current culture and present context, are we then in a better position to share that same message to others.

Wounded Healer

Why should a man marry and have children, study and build a career; why should he invent new techniques, build new institutions, and develop new ideas--when he doubts if there will be a tomorrow which can guarantee the value of human effort?

Only when man feels himself responsible for the future can he have hope or despair, but when he thinks of himself as a passive victim of an extremely complex technological bureaucracy, his motivation falters and he starts drifting from one moment to the next, making life a long row of randomly chained incidents and accidents.

When we wonder why the language of traditional Christianity has lost its liberating power for nuclear man, we have to realize that most Christian preaching is still based on the presupposition that man sees himself as meaningfully integrated with a history in which God came to us... But when man's historical consciousness is broken, the whole Christian message seems like a lecture about the great pioneers to a boy on an acid trip.

Christianity is not just challenged to adapt itself to a modern age, but is also challenged to ask itself whether its unarticulated suppositions can still form the basis for its redemptive pretensions. (Nouwen in Wounded Healer)

This is a profound set of observations. In an era of post-modernism, meaning has been removed and one is left with nothing. It is difficult to present hope to one who feels as if nothing matters. The last sentence above is one of the best, in my opinion. We cannot simply present the gospel without being aware of our underlying assumptions and beliefs that others do not share and thus changing the way we approach the presentation of the hope of Christ. Our message is meaningless to those who do not share, in Nouwen's words above, a view of ourselves as "meaningfully integrated" in history.

Do you understand your assumptions, your presuppositions, the foundation of your beliefs? How do these differ to what the post-modern man thinks? In reflecting on the differences, what might change in your approach to speaking about your beliefs in a way that might be relevant to the post-modern man?