Learning Relational Lessons

So being in pain is really a great way to learn some great lessons. As I'm going through the hurt of a break up, this morning I felt like God showed me two areas that were eye-opening.

Respect is incredibly important in relationships. But you have to be someone who can be respected. It's hard (almost impossible) to respect a door mat. I've been realizing that my fear of losing someone at times prevents me from standing up for myself. In fact, many times I just roll over and go with it -- and how can one respect and ultimately love that? I feel like I have a pretty good knowledge of myself and who I am, but there seems to be insecurities relationally that make me more guarded and willing to put up with disrespect instead of speaking up for myself. I feel like even these are starting to be identified and brought to light.

The other thing I've discovered, closely related to the fear above, is that I tend to avoid fighting. I did not like the way my parents fought when I was a kid and so I created a story that said "fighting in a relationship is bad" and "avoid it at all costs". But to do so, you end up short-changing yourself because you aren't presenting an accurate picture of who you are -- your thoughts, your opinions, your attitudes, your beliefs. Not only that, but some fighting and disagreement is good. It adds some passion and feelings in a relationship and challenges you and grows you together. Simply agreeing with everything said or not saying anything makes things rather boring, lifeless, and dull. I'm afraid that if I argue or disagree, that it will turn out like what I saw so poorly modeled, and thus avoided it. But I don't have to be like my parents (and am already in many ways not like them); I can be me, and take the lessons I've observed and learned and discuss and disagree and even fight in a respectful way.

I am so thankful that God is opening my eyes to these things and it is wonderful to finally have light shined in some dusty and dark places!

Pain

I've been having a rough time lately both in my personal and work life -- feeling a bit overwhelmed with several things that are happening at the same time. I'm in the middle of transitioning out of my current job to leave for a new company, working through some internal team conflict, going through a break up, and feeling sad and disappointed about things. I wanted to share a few lessons that I am learning yet again that might be helpful to you.

One of the big things that going through therapy taught me is not to hide, mask, or push away pain. When it comes, embrace it fully, feel it to its depth, and do what needs to be done -- cry, journal, pray, talk to people. When we try to mask our pain, or deny that it is there, all we do is hurt ourselves more deeply and push the feeling of the pain away. We can't be healed if we don't feel pain. The ache of a hurting heart, the shedding of tears, is like rain that washes away the dirt, grime, and oil. It helps the heart to really feel and hurt and acknowledge loss or difficulty. In some past hurts, I've only allowed myself to hurt to a certain extent, or length of time, or even try not to hurt at all. All I did was delay the pain to another day, when it was even more painful to feel it and heal. Kind of like a broken bone. It has to be set and put in a cast to heal. Otherwise, it doesn't actually heal and you end up crippled. To fix that, you have to break it again and set it right.

Another thing I am learning, and this from one of my roommates, is to invite Jesus into the area of pain. Not for the purpose of taking it away, but for the purpose of walking with me through the pain. This has changed my prayer life in what I pray for as I feel pain. Jesus felt the full pain of the cross, the rejection of His Father, and the weight of the sin of the world on his shoulders. He is "a man of sorrows, [well] acquainted with grief". I don't think that God always takes away our pain immediately and directly (although He can and probably does sometimes); instead He walks with us through our pain and into healing. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." I think this is because God is not primarily after our healing, He is after our transformation. He doesn't want us simply 'fixed', He wants us recreated and made into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ. And pain is a megaphone that God uses to change us. C.S. Lewis writes that God shouts at us in our pain. He has my attention as I hurt and ache and struggle.

I've also learned to let go in the pain and to be transformed and changed. Again, God wants to transform me, not simply to "fix" me. If I allow Him and surrender to Him in the pain, He will change my heart. It has been one of my prayers the last few days -- that I would listen, that I would learn, and that I would be changed. I don't want to run or hide or avoid it, as much as it hurts. And He is teaching me to give up my demands, to cry out to Him, and to ruthlessly trust Him. I wish I could say I've done this well or am doing it well. Thankfully He is gracious and understands my weakness. He knows my heart and knows my desires.

I'm also learning to see self-protective habits and patterns that have been created, "wells" that I have dug for water, when Jesus is the source of living water. Larry Crabb in his book Inside Out talks a lot about this and our table group at church has been going through this book. I didn't think I'd get to really deeply apply some of what he suggested so soon, but it seems God had others plans for me! I run to these wells, perhaps letting fear hold me back, perhaps my job or money, perhaps selfishness or pride, instead of coming authentically and in brokenness before Christ and letting Him wash me with His water and His love. God reveals these wells to me and lovingly shows me how insufficient they are and how He is sufficient.

Being in pain helps in empathizing with the pain of others. Pain can generate a hardened or a softened heart. I can either build walls or I can let my heart remain open and tender as it is loved by Jesus. And in that love, I can feel and love others more deeply. I can pray for and support them in their pain. And I can share the love of Christ that has been shown in my pain with them.

And finally, how incredibly valuable and priceless are close friends! Knowing that I am prayed for, receiving encouragement from friends, having people to talk to, is helpful beyond what words can express. I'm not alone. You are not alone. People who love and support, those who are present and available, are such a huge help. Where would Israel have been had it not been for Aaron and Hur to hold Moses' hands up in the battle (Exodus 17)? Oh that would be like them and not like Job's friends!

I am me

I am me
I'm what you see
My heart on sleeve
It's loud and free
I am me.

I am me
Romantic I
Movies I cry
Passion does fly
I am me.

I am me
My voice is loud
I am too proud
By life I'm wow'd
I am me.

I am me
Opinions too
I have a few
Reduce I do
I am me.

I am me
Slurp through a straw
With loud guffaws
Without much cause
I am me.

I am me
Work in progress
I do confess
Imperfect, yes
I am me.

I am me
Not change will I
To satisfy
Where mind might fly
I am me.

I am me
To live as free
Not people please
But just to be
I am me.

I am me
From this my heart
It is a start
To show a part
I am me.

I am me
This I must stress
Not to impress
Nor make you less
I am me.

I am me
All I can do
Is say to you
That this is true
I am me.

I am me
Within His love
Covered by blood
Scrubbing the mud
I am me.

I am me
I am in Christ
Bought with great price
By love enticed
I am me.

I am me
Imperfect be
Finish will He
This work to free
I am me.

I am me
Jesus in thee
Does make me see
That you are you
And
I am me.

Materialism

I enjoy helping friends move. It probably sounds a bit strange, but I like the physical exercise, the fun times with friends as we grunt and groan and heave stuff up and down stairs, and the taste of water and pizza after all the hard work. In addition to this, I like how it challenges me with the stuff that I own—I go home after helping someone move and usually throw some of my stuff away. Tonight, the sermon at IBC was on materialism, which is something that has been on my heart and mind for a while now.

I have a lot of stuff and I buy a lot of stuff. I don’t need this stuff and sometimes I don’t even really want the stuff I buy; I just do so because maybe I’ll be a little happier if I have it. I’ve been cleaning out boxes and drawers lately and getting rid of things that I hardly ever use (if at all). I am amazed at how many of these things I have that have cost me a decent amount of money and yet I’ve never or hardly used them! What a waste! This is not being a good steward of the money that Christ gives me. I have a box of computer games and some random equipment that have easily cost me over the years $40-50 per game, and yet now it sits in a garage collecting dust, listed on Craig’s List for $10 and not a single phone call. I could hardly wait to get the games and play them several years ago and yet now, all together, they aren’t worth anything. There was a joystick I bought, used once, and then put it back in the box, only to sit for several years before getting rid of it a few weeks ago. There is the pen that I thought I needed to help me go back to hand-writing a journal that would save the handwriting to a computer that is now sitting unused and I am in the process of getting rid of it. Those are just a few examples of the many things that have been wasted.

How quickly the stuff we own starts to own us! We move to larger apartments and homes to make room for what we buy, get alarms to protect our stuff, buy safes to protect it, and locks, chains, keys, and bolts. If that isn’t enough, we insure what we own, spend money to maintain it and keep it looking nice, and then after we die, it’s sold in an estate sale for a tiny fraction of what we invested in it. We can’t really take it with us and most of the time our families don’t want it!

Thankfully, with all of this, I feel like my purchasing habits are starting to change. I question the purchase of an item a lot more now; do I really need it, can I live without it, what am I going to do with it, and am I actually going to use it immediately? What else might I do with the money saved by not buying it that would be a better use? C.S. Lewis suggests that if our giving habits do not cause us to feel some pain and make us reduce our spending habits, maybe we aren’t giving enough. Does my spending reflect the importance of Christ in my life, or how selfish I am? What about you?

Every Little Girl is a Princess

I started reading one of my childhood favorites this morning, a novel by George MacDonald called The Princess and the Goblin.  He opens the book with the following dialogue between him and his reader:

“But, Mr. Author, why do you always write about princesses?”
“Because every little girl is a princess".”
“You will make them vain if you tell them that".”
“Not if they understand what I mean.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“What do you mean by a princess?”
“The daughter of a king.”
“Very well, then, every little girl is a princess, and there would be no need to say anything about it, except that she is always in danger of forgetting her rank, and, behaving as if she had grown out of the mud.  I have seen little princesses behave like the children of thieves and lying beggars, and that is why they need to be told they are princesses.  And that is why, when I tell a story of this kind, I like to tell it about a princess.  Then I can say better what I mean, because I can then give her every beautiful thing I want her to have.” (my emphasis)

MadDonald writes about princesses because little girls have a tendency to forget who they are and who their father is.  This is so true with the believer in Jesus Christ!  How often we forget who we are and Who our Father is!  We are reminded constantly in the Bible of our standing in Christ, who we once were and no longer are, who we are now, and what Christ is making us to me.  We are to lay aside the “old self” and put on the “new self” (Col 3:10, Eph 4:22, 24), we are adopted children of God (Romans 8:15, Eph 1:5), and we are to live as Christ by “clothing ourselves with Him” (Romans 13:14).  In short, we are to be and act like children of God because He has made us His children in Christ Jesus.  Living in this knowledge transforms our behavior.  Am I acting like a son of the good and perfect Father (James 1:17)?

It reminds me of something Lewis wrote of “an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.”

What am I doing in the mud?

Chesterton

I’ve been reading G.K. Chesteron’s book Orthodoxy the past couple of months and am discovering how much I enjoy his writing style and personality.  What I most enjoy about him is that he brings me back to an honest romantic view of life, which is one I try hard to avoid.  It is so easy to grow cynical and tired of everything and how refreshing it is to be reminded yet again that there is more to life than meets the eye.  The longings of the heart indicate there is something that can fulfill those.  To quote from the first chapter:

[W]e need this life of practical romance; the combination of something that is strange with something that is secure.  We need so to view the world as to combine an idea of wonder and an idea of welcome.  We need to be happy in this wonderland without once being merely comfortable.

And in chapter four:

[T]he strongest emotion was that life was as precious as it was puzzling.  It was an ecstasy because it was an adventure; it was an adventure because it was an opportunity.  The goodness of the fairy tale was not affected by the fact there might be more dragons than princesses; it was good to be in the fairy tale.  The test of all happiness is gratitude; and I felt grateful, though I hardly knew to whom.

It reminded me of the delight in my childhood over fairy tales and how much I loved them and dreamed of being in them (and he describes his own similar feelings in the paragraphs surrounding the above quote).  As I’ve grown older, I’ve grown more realistic about life, trading dreams of my youth for the reality of the world, and in doing so, lost much of the joy and excitement of being alive.  I defined realism as harsh honesty about and acceptance of reality, when in fact, “as long as you have mystery you have health; when you destroy mystery you create morbidity” (from chapter 2).

I look forward to sharing more as I continue reading his books.  They are a key that unlocks part of my heart.

Obedience, Freedom, and Joy

Lately, I’ve been learning a lesson in the relationship between obedience and freedom, one which at first glance, seems to be a contradiction.  This lesson, like others, has come through the experience of having a dog.

Our first family dog, Sandy, loved our pleasure at her obedience.  She willingly, and joyfully, obeyed, responding quickly and enthusiastically to the training we took her through during the first year we had her.  Within a few months, she would come, sit, lay down, stay, heel, and for fun, beg and shake.  Her obedience, for the most part, was joyful and prompt.  She trusted in the goodness of her masters and did as she was told.  What was the result?  Not only the joy of the master (us), but greater freedom for her.  Once we knew she would come when called, we no longer needed the leash, and our walks and times of taking her out to play became greater arenas of freedom for her.  We gave her the freedom to explore because we were confident in her obedience in that freedom.  Her obedience not only resulted in greater freedom, but an increased joy, as she was able to enjoy that freedom, and we were able to relax on the walks (instead of the constant training).

Fast forward to present day, with a five-month old beagle puppy, who in addition to being young, is a breed that is rather difficult to train.  Because of this, Coco is kept on a leash, and is not allowed the greater freedom that Sandy used to enjoy.  It is my hope that through more time and training, we will get to the place that she will obey, so that she can be given greater freedom.  It is my desire, as her master, to let her run free, to let her experience greater joy in being a dog, but this freedom can and will only be granted by her certain obedience.  When I am confident in her obedience, she will be allowed to run free.  Last weekend some friends and I went for a walk in the woods and she was given the freedom to run around and she loved it!   It was a joy for me to see her have so much fun and it is my desire that she experiences more of this.

Are the limitations imposed by the leash and choke chain because of a mean master or the doubtful obedience of the dog?  Applying this to the Christian walk, are some of the limitations or lack of things due to the Potter or in some cases because of the stubbornness of the clay?  Perhaps I am not given what I want, because I could not handle the “freedom” that is granted in order to have that want.  Obedience precedes freedom.

2009 Reading List

In an attempt to keep track of the books I have read, I am going to start doing an annual reading list.  Here are the books (those I can remember) that I read in 2009, in alphabetical order:

• 7 Harry Potter books by J. K. Rowling
• A Conflict of Visions by Thomas Sowell
• Capitalism and Freedom by Milton Friedman
• Charm School by Nelson DeMille
• Common Sense* by Thomas Paine
• Darkness Falls by Kyle Mills
• Economic Facts and Fallacies by Thomas Sowell
• End the Fed by Ron Paul
• Extreme Measures by Vince Flynn
• First Family by David Baldacci
• Founding Brothers by Joseph J. Ellis
• Free to Choose by Milton Friedman
• Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
• Letters to a Young Conservative by Dinesh D’Souza
• Male and Female by Margaret Mead
• Men and Marriage by George Gilder
• Mere Christianity* by C.S. Lewis
• Pursuit of Honor by Vince Flynn
• Solving the Riddle of Self by John Powell
• The 5,000 Year Leap by W. Cleon Skousen
• The Cato Handbook for Policymakers by The Cato Institute
• The Closing of the American Mind by Alan Bloom
• The Constitution of the United States: Its Sources and Its Application by Thomas James Norton
• The Discipline of Grace by Jerry Bridges
• The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard
• The First American: The Life and Times of Benjamin Franklin by H.W. Brands
• The Law* by Bastiat
• The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
• The Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen
• The Quest for Cosmic Justice by Thomas Sowell
• The Revolution by Ron Paul
• The Road to Serfdom (Reader’s Digest Version)* by F.A. Hayek
• The Tempting of America by Robert Bork
• What Has the Government Done to our Money* by Murray Rothbard
• Windows of the Soul by Ken Gire
• Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen

*Available online for free from Google Scholar or other sources

Substitutes

I've been working on training my new puppy, Coco, to not bite my hands (which has been rather difficult) and have found that it is important to have something for her to bite on as a substitute for my hand.  If I simply grab her nose and tell her not to bite me, but give her nothing afterward, she tries to bite me again (note that this is all playful biting and not 'you look like lunch' biting).  She is much better about not biting me when I give her something else to bite on.

There is a spiritual lesson here (actually, this is a general life lesson that applies to everything).  If I want to stop a habit, it will be more effective to have something else to replace it with instead of just stopping it and doing nothing more.  I struggle a lot with stopping some things and I think one reason why is in some cases I am not replacing them with anything, so I fall back into the old habits rather quickly.  I need to find myself a bone or pull toy :).

What about you?  Do you have substitutes?  Are they effective?

Perspective

The church I attend just finished a series on the life of Joseph, one of the Old Testament characters who was sold into slavery by his brothers, bought by an Egyptian captain, sent to jail because the captain's wife lied about an attempted rape, and finally, over 17 years after being sold by his brothers, elevated to being second on command of all of Egypt.  One thing that has stayed with me about the series was the idea that periods of his story don't make sense when viewed from the perspective of Joseph.  For his faithfulness, he was sent to prison.  Favorite son, sold into slavery for 17 years.  Locked in prison for years because of a lie told by a spurned woman.  Large parts of his life are a mess and going through them I think would have been not only extremely difficult, but very easy to lose faith.  How is one to hold on to hope in the midst of such circumstances?  I think one way is by realizing that my story is only a small part of the larger story that is about God.  Just as picking a random page in a book would very likely be confusing to read because it is out of context, so viewing my life without any eternal, bigger picture, could easily cause me to get lost in my problems and struggles.  A puzzle piece is meaningless without the puzzle, a chapter lacks the context of the book that contains it, organs function as part of the whole body, and my story is only a tiny part of the grand story of God.

Saw Blades and Cigarette Butts

I was walking my puppy this afternoon and as we were walking down the sidewalk, she came across a broken saw blade, which she promptly tried to pick up. I reached down and blocked her from picking it up with her mouth and we continued the walk, with her for a few seconds straining at the leash trying to still get to it. We continued on and a few minutes later she found a cigarette butt in the grass that she started chewing on and I removed it from her mouth and threw it away. She did not seem too happy about that being taken away either. I know my intentions towards her and my care for her motivates me to take things away from her that I know will hurt her. I do this, not because I am some mean spoil-sport that delights in ruining her fun, but because I love her and can see the danger in some things that she does not understand. While a saw blade to a two month old puppy looks like something fun to chew on, it would quickly land her at the vet with stitches and several weeks of pain. A cigarette butt isn't exactly something I want her to eat because the chemicals would not be good for her stomach.

As I was thinking about my reasons for taking these things away and trying unsuccessfully to explain to her what I was doing (she's a terrible listener), I was struck at how this is how I relate to God. What are my saw blades and cigarette butts that I whine and complain when He takes them away from me? Does He, the perfect Father, not do so out of love and infinite knowledge for my good? Why do I kick and scream, or pout because He took away something that I thought would bring me joy? What I want is for my dog to trust in my love for her and that my goodness towards her will bring her greater happiness than she on her own could possibly experience. Is this not what God wants for me? Should I not be willing to surrender my saw blades and cigarette butts to Him, knowing that a greater fun awaits, and even if not immediately, that what He is taking away is for my good?

What are your saw blades and cigarette butts that you find so difficult to surrender to Him?

Reality and Faith

One of my biggest struggles is with trying to understand the relationship between reality and spirituality. I feel a lot of frustration at times with what I perceive as "spiritual" ideas or concepts because I don't feel like these reflect an accurate picture of reality and thus won't be successful or practical in the long run. A conversation with a good friend last Tuesday brought this issue back up again and as I was thinking about it the following morning, I came across a passage that beautifully gave what might be the answer.

Without become weak in faith he [Abraham] contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah's womb; yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waiver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform. (Romans 4:19-21)

Here is a man, called the "friend of God" by God Himself, who considered and accepted reality -- he and his wife's inability to have a child -- and yet even in embracing and accepting that reality (and I might even say because of his acceptance of this reality), his faith in God grew stronger. When one sees the impossibility of the situation, one is faced with either despair in the circumstance, or, in the case of the believer, hope and faith that only God has the power to work through the situation. This is what I mean by the acceptance of the reality being a partial catalyst in his faith growing stronger. Neither he nor his wife were getting younger and they were well past their child-bearing years. Yet this fact, this real situation, caused him to cast his hope and faith even more onto the God who had promised and who he believed could perform his promise.

What do I do in the different situations where I see a seemingly hopeless situation that I don't have the power or ability to change? The stories written were for our edification and encouragement -- look and see what happened to them and what God did in their lives. If God took a man and his wife and enabled them to conceive and have a son decades after that time had past, could He not change my heart and my life? Is anything too hard for Him? What will I do when faced with reality? Will I turn towards Him and increase my hope and faith in Him, or cry that the giant is too big, not seeing the greatness of God that makes any giant but a grain of sand on the seashore? Could not He who formed the earth and spoke everything into existence have the power to mold me into the image of His Son? Oh me of little faith, or as Dr. Bailey pointed out in the translation, oh little faither!

C.S. Lewis Conversion

As I was reviewing my notes in preparation for facilitating another table group study through Mere Christianity, I was reminded again of why C.S. Lewis and others (Chesterton, MacDonald, etc.) are so near to my heart:
 

"Remember, I had always wanted, about all things, not to be "interfered with."  I had wanted (mad wish) "to call my soul my own."  I had been far more anxious to avoid suffering than to achieve delight.  I had always aimed at limited liabilities.  The supernatural itself had been to me, first, an illicit dram, and then, as by a drunkard's reaction, nauseous.  Even my recent attempt to live my philosophy had secretly (I now knew) been hedged round by all sorts of reservations.  I had pretty well known that my ideal of virtue would never be allowed to lead me into anything intolerably painful; I would be "reasonable."  But now what had been an ideal became a command; and what might not be expected of one?  Doubtless, by definition, God was Reason itself.  But would he also be "reasonable" in that other, more comfortable, sense?  Not the slightest assurance on that score was offered to me.  Total surrender, the absolute leap in the dark, [was] demanded.  The reality with which no treaty can be made was upon me.  The demand was not even "All or nothing."  I think that stage had been passed, on the bus top when I unbuckled my armor and the snowman started to melt.  Now, the demand was simply "All."

"You must picture me alone in that room in Magdalen, night after night, feeling, whenever my mind lifted even for a second from my work, the steady, unrelenting approach of Him whom I so earnestly desired not to meet.  That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me.  In the Trinity Term of 1929 I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all of England.  I did not then see what is now the most shining and obvious thing; the Divine humility which will accept a convert even on such terms.  The Prodigal Son at least walked home on his own feet.  But who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape?  The words compelle intrare, compel them to come in, have been so abused by wicked men that we shudder at them; but, properly understood, they plumb the depth of the Divine mercy.  The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and His compulsion is our liberation." (Surprised by Joy, 220-221)

So much of this sticks out to me as I read this.  I think one of the things I most identify with is his statement: I had been far more anxious to avoid suffering than to achieve delight.  If there was a statement that would sum up my life, this is it!

But even if He does not...

I was reading through the book of Daniel and came across the passage about the fiery furnace and the response to Nebuchadnezzar regarding his demand to worship him:

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18)

So these three men are threatened with death by fire if they do not bow down to the king and worship his image of gold.  What struck me about their statement is not their faith that God will save them, but that His saving them from the furnace was not a condition of their obedience to Him.  They were going to obey God regardless of what God did.  If He saved them great; if He did not, they still would obey Him.  What a great example! 

In this story, God did come through.  They were saved from the furnace.  Yet there is another story, celebrated this week, where God did not save His Son.  God the Son "emptied Himself, taking on the form of a bond servant, and became obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Phil. 2:7)  He did so, enduring the fiery "furnace" of the cross, and the rejection of God in order that you and I might be saved.  Here we find that Christ's obedience to the Father was not conditioned upon being saved from the cup that the Father made Him drink--He surrendered His will to the Father and drank it.  "Not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)

Is my obedience to God conditional upon certain things?  What things are these?  Why am I allowing those things to separate me from Him?  It seems that greater faith is grown through the surrender of expectations and the abandonment of one to Him.  Even if He does or does not, will I follow Him?  Will you?

Wounded Healer Reflection

I recently finished The Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen and was really convicted by much of what he had to say. The emphasis on the book is not so much trying to heal others as it is to get the reader to understand that without the mutual identification of wounds and entering into the hurt of another, healing cannot take place. I like what he says in the third chapter:

"Who can take away suffering without entering it?" The great illusion of leadership is to think that men can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there... we have forgotten that no God can save us except a suffering God, and that no man can lead his people except the man who is crushed by its sins.

He then quotes from Carl Rogers, who writes:

[W]hat is most personal and unique in each one of us is probably the very element which would, if it were shared or expressed, speak most deeply to others. This has helped me to understand artists and poets who have dared to express the unique in themselves.

I tend to forget about my wounds, and move on to what I consider bigger things, while losing the memory of where I once was. I think this is one of the reasons you see the pattern in the Bible of telling stories over and over. It is to remind the person of where they came from, what God did in his or her life, and who he or she once was. God commanded the children of Israel to remember:

Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. (Duet. 5:15, see 7:18, 8:2, 8:18, 15:15, 16:12, 24:18, 24:22)

My favorite scene in The Two Towers has Sam saying:

By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you.

Remember where you came from. Remember what He has done. Ministry to others depends on it!

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Is 53:5)

Religion

 Dr. Peck in his well-known book, The Road Less Traveled, has this to say about religion:

 

There is clearly a lot of dirty bath water surrounding the reality of God.  Holy wars.  Inquisitions.  Animal sacrifice.  Human sacrifice.  Superstition.  Stultification.  Dogmatism.  Ignorance.  Hypocrisy.  Self-righteousness.  Rigidity.  Cruelty.  Book-burning.  Witch-burning. Inhibition.  Fear.  Conformity.  Morbid guilt.  Insanity.  The list is almost endless.  But is all this what God has done to humans or what humans have done to God?  It is abundantly evident that belief in God is often destructively dogmatic.  Is the problem, then, that humans tend to believe in God, or is the problem that humans tend to be dogmatic?  Anyone who has known a died-in-the-wool atheist will know that such an individual can be as dogmatic about unbelief as any believer can be about belief.  Is it belief in God we need to get rid of, or is it dogmatism? (M. Scott. Peck, The Road Less Traveled, my emphasis)

I couldn't agree more. 

Wounded Healer (update)

I've been thinking about what I wrote previously and it bothers me for several reasons: I don't like people who write that way, it is very generic sounding and impractical, and it is very intellectual and "high-minded" which I feel is very arrogant. So I want to make a couple of observations on the Nouwen paragraphs that I hope will be more reflective of me.

I liked what Nouwen said because so often I feel like the approach a Christian gives to those outside the church can be very impractical and mystical. We say that "Christ has the power to change you" and that you can "do everything through Him" and yet I wonder just how well something like that speaks to someone who is unchurched. When we speak about our faith to others, sometimes we make assumptions of mutual understanding that very well may not be there. As one who works in computers, I may speak of such things as tags and markup in describing web pages to someone who has barely used a computer as a word processor, much less surf the internet, and therefore my words have no meaning to this person because he or she can't relate to what I am saying.

This is why I love what Nouwen says. It is critical for us to present the Christian message in a way that is practical and relevant to people in their every-day lives. And for this to be true, I think it has to be practical and relevant to our own lives. Only when we've gone through the discipline of working through Christ's message and applied it to our lives, in our current culture and present context, are we then in a better position to share that same message to others.

Wounded Healer

Why should a man marry and have children, study and build a career; why should he invent new techniques, build new institutions, and develop new ideas--when he doubts if there will be a tomorrow which can guarantee the value of human effort?

Only when man feels himself responsible for the future can he have hope or despair, but when he thinks of himself as a passive victim of an extremely complex technological bureaucracy, his motivation falters and he starts drifting from one moment to the next, making life a long row of randomly chained incidents and accidents.

When we wonder why the language of traditional Christianity has lost its liberating power for nuclear man, we have to realize that most Christian preaching is still based on the presupposition that man sees himself as meaningfully integrated with a history in which God came to us... But when man's historical consciousness is broken, the whole Christian message seems like a lecture about the great pioneers to a boy on an acid trip.

Christianity is not just challenged to adapt itself to a modern age, but is also challenged to ask itself whether its unarticulated suppositions can still form the basis for its redemptive pretensions. (Nouwen in Wounded Healer)

This is a profound set of observations. In an era of post-modernism, meaning has been removed and one is left with nothing. It is difficult to present hope to one who feels as if nothing matters. The last sentence above is one of the best, in my opinion. We cannot simply present the gospel without being aware of our underlying assumptions and beliefs that others do not share and thus changing the way we approach the presentation of the hope of Christ. Our message is meaningless to those who do not share, in Nouwen's words above, a view of ourselves as "meaningfully integrated" in history.

Do you understand your assumptions, your presuppositions, the foundation of your beliefs? How do these differ to what the post-modern man thinks? In reflecting on the differences, what might change in your approach to speaking about your beliefs in a way that might be relevant to the post-modern man?

NOT Evangelism

On Monday, my coworker told me about a conversation he had with a man at a flea market over the weekend. The man put a tract in his hand, asked him if he had ever disagreed with his parents, and told him he was going to hell because he had violated one of the commandments. My coworker is Muslim and politely told the guy that he did not agree and after a few more minutes of conversation, left. I have shortened the story intentionally, because I don't want to focus on the story, but on the method.

I don't even know where to begin with this. This "evangelist", for lack of a better term, makes me sick. How can one even think that approaching someone and telling them they are going to hell will change a lifetime of beliefs? If one's beliefs are swayed so easily, I might question the certainty of one's belief. I'd like to go over the absurdity of this approach.

Being in violation of God's law, in the example of disagreeing with parents, means that you are going to hell and therefore in need of Christ.

1. Who said I believe in God?
2. Who said disagreeing with parents was wrong?
3. Why should I accept the Bible as an authoritative source of truth for me?
4. On what basis do you state that hell exists? See question 3 when you respond.
5. If I did believe hell exists, why is Christ the only way?
6. You are stating things that you believe to be true--and I disagree with your beliefs--why do you think you are right and I am wrong?
7. I believe in X (for a Muslim it would be Allah, who is believed to be the same God as the Jewish and Christian God); why am I wrong?
8. Who is to say that what you claim is God's law is actually God's law? My religious books say otherwise.

Frankly, I am embarrassed by this guy's approach to sharing the gospel. It makes me think of the times when I so firmly believe something and passionately try to tell others, only to find them not as receptive to what I firmly believe is true. Perhaps telling people what we believe isn't a very effective way of communicating our beliefs, especially in the context of not knowing the person. I am finding that the older I get, the less I really ought to talk and the more I really ought to listen. And I am really bad about both.

Heaven

I've been reading a book by Dallas Willard called The Divine Conspiracy and in a section where he discusses going to heaven, I found this particularly convicting:

I am thoroughly convinced that God will let everyone into heaven who, in his considered opinion, can stand it. But "standing it" may prove to be a more difficult matter than those who take their view of heaven from popular movies or popular preaching may think. The fires of heaven may be hotter than those in the other place... There is a widespread notion that just passing through death transforms human character. Discipleship is not needed. Just believe enough to "make it." But I have never been able to find any basis in scriptural tradition or psychological reality to think this might be so. What if death only forever fixes us as the kind of person we are at death? What would one do in heaven with a debauched character or a hate-filled heart? (p. 302)

Willard goes on to suggest that unless our belief results in life transformation, we really haven't believed. My actions will follow my belief and if my actions aren't consistent with what I say I believe in, then what I say I believe in isn't what I really believe in.

I find this convicting because in the last several months, almost a year now, I have slowly allowed things in my life to "slide", excusing myself from following through in areas I am pretty sure a whole-hearted belief in Christ would not be excused. In areas I find myself to act selfishly, rather than ruthlessly going after the selfishness and crucifying the flesh, I tell myself that it doesn't matter anyway--I am single so I can be selfish. In other areas of self-improvement, I have grown lazy and thus have regressed to locations below rock walls that I had once scaled.

Why do my actions not match my beliefs? I have no excuse--"[I]n the final analysis we fail to be disciples only because we do not decide to be. We do not intend to be disciples. (Willard)"

Heaven

I've been reading a book by Dallas Willard called The Divine Conspiracy and in a section where he discusses going to heaven, I found this particularly convicting:

I am thoroughly convinced that God will let everyone into heaven who, in his considered opinion, can stand it. But "standing it" may prove to be a more difficult matter than those who take their view of heaven from popular movies or popular preaching may think. The fires of heaven may be hotter than those in the other place... There is a widespread notion that just passing through death transforms human character. Discipleship is not needed. Just believe enough to "make it." But I have never been able to find any basis in scriptural tradition or psychological reality to think this might be so. What if death only forever fixes us as the kind of person we are at death? What would one do in heaven with a debauched character or a hate-filled heart? (p. 302)

Willard goes on to suggest that unless our belief results in life transformation, we really haven't believed. My actions will follow my belief and if my actions aren't consistent with what I say I believe in, then what I say I believe in isn't what I really believe in.

I find this convicting because in the last several months, almost a year now, I have slowly allowed things in my life to "slide", excusing myself from following through in areas I am pretty sure a whole-hearted belief in Christ would not be excused. In areas I find myself to act selfishly, rather than ruthlessly going after the selfishness and crucifying the flesh, I tell myself that it doesn't matter anyway--I am single so I can be selfish. In other areas of self-improvement, I have grown lazy and thus have regressed to locations below rock walls that I had once scaled.

Why do my actions not match my beliefs? I have no excuse--"[I]n the final analysis we fail to be disciples only because we do not decide to be. We do not intend to be disciples. (Willard)"

Sharing Secrets

I've been so busy following the economic and political news that I have had very little emotional energy to write about other matters.  I am hoping to spend more time writing about other things in addition to financial matters.

In The Silence of Adam, Crabb writes, "There are secrets involving specific events, memories of things others have done to us, or things we have done.  There are secret internal realities: urges, interests, struggles, motives, thoughts, beliefs, or feelings that we regard as unacceptable, that we think would spoil any relationship in which they were known.  Sometimes the things we hide are vague but powerful impressions, usually involving an unnamed but terrifying sense of our own despicableness, as sense that—we fear—others would confirm if given the chance." (italics his, bold mine)

In men's group we had an excellent discussion about secrets, which was the subject of a chapter in the book quoted above.  I am hoping the above quote describes what kind of secrets this is in reference too.  Sharing these kinds of secrets with trusted brothers or sisters can be very beneficial.  I want to list a few of the benefits:

1.      I experience the acceptance of others and through that acceptance, I learn to accept myself.

2.      I discover that I am not alone.

3.      I live in greater freedom.

4.      I let go of pride.

One of the greatest benefits of being able to share with another a secret is the experience of acceptance that is tangible and real.  By telling you a secret of mine and receiving your affirming love and friendship, I am better able to accept myself as I am, secret and all.  I did not say "as I wish I was". 

In addition, I find out that I am not alone.  C.S. Lewis said that friendship begins with the statement "What?  You too?"  It is in isolation that our secrets can become terrifying and in community that we can discover fellowship and support from others.

By sharing secrets with another, I am able to live in greater freedom.  The secret does not dominate my life, it is no longer hidden in this part of me that I can't let anyone see, but I am now in control of it, I am able to share it with those I trust, I am no longer bound to hide, mask, and lie to others.

The last benefit I want to mention here is the letting go of pride.  By acknowledging my humanity to other people, I no longer have to pretend to be someone I am not—I can be who I truly am, warts and all.  This gives me freedom from pride, even the false sense of it.

When might one want to share a secret with another?  For one, such sharing needs to be in a confidential place, with a trusted friend.  One should not share the deepest secret of one's life with a complete stranger.  Is the depth of the secret to be shared appropriate for the intimacy of the friendship.  Second, one should do so in a proper time and place.  Doing so at a loud bar watching a football game is probably not the best place for that kind of conversation.  What events are going on in the lives of the other that might provide distractions?  It may not be wise to share a secret with a friend who is distracted by a layoff.  Is  your friend at an emotional place where he or she can provide such support?

What about for those on the receiving side of the secret?  Recognize that your friend is taking a great risk by revealing him or herself to you in this way.  Listen carefully to what they are sharing.  Ask questions to ensure you understand what is being shared.  Appreciate them for their bravery in taking off their mask.  Verbalize your support and thanks.  Reaffirm with them your friendship and your confidentiality.  If appropriate, share similar experiences or weaknesses in return.  Provide an atmosphere support, not judgment.

Are there secrets in your life that drag you down or make you feel alone and separated from people?  Develop close friendships that can support the release of some of these things.  I think you will find, as I have, that bringing light to dark places drives the shadows away.

Prediction with bail-out

After Congress passed the $700B bail-out about a month ago, I wanted to write down some predictions that I had about the future with the bail-out and financial crises and instead of actually posting this, have sat on these ideas for the last month.  I am posting these finally, although now some seem kind of obvious.

Those who passed this bail-out say that this is all that is needed.  My first prediction is that this will not be enough and that there will be much more needed.  I think it is a joke that they have divided it into an initial $350B package and then being open for requesting for the other half--as if we'd only use half of it.  We are not only going to use the $700B, but we will be adding more money to bail-out additional companies.  It may not come directly as a second or third bail-out package from Congress, but it will be with taxpayer money, either by taxes, deficit spending, or inflation.

Inflation is going to skyrocket.  The prices of goods is going to go up.  You cannot do what the government is doing and result in a net effect of 0 on the value of money (as if our money has any real value anyway).   If the total money supply is $10T and you add another $1T to it, you will have reduced the value of the existing money by 10%.  Now, the effect won't be immediate, but it will happen.

We will see the international community abandon the dollar as the financial "standard" that it has been.  I think we will see the introduction of a world currency and the slow (or fast) collapse of the dollars value as goods such as oil are then valued in that new standard.  It would not surprise me if we end up abandoning the dollar and switching the US to the new currency. 

We will experience a prolonged and ugly recession.  And the more the politicians and financial people try to intervene and throw money into the system to try to prevent it, the longer and worse it will get. 

We will see a significant movement into socialism as the government takes control of more industry.  This will be done in the name of "saving the economy" but what makes us think we can trust politicians more than CEOs?

The stock market is going to continue to go down.  It probably will have up days, but the fundamentals in the market are bad and you simply cannot create money out of nothing and somehow "save" the system in any permanent and lasting way.  It has to correct itself and the correction won't be pleasant.

Government Bank Purchases

The government bought significant interests in several of the largest banks today. According to this article,

Executives of the country's biggest banks were summoned to a remarkable meeting at the Treasury Department on Monday to be briefed on the plan. Paulson basically told the bank CEOs that they had to accept the government stock purchases for the good of the U.S. economy.

This is incredibly disturbing. Some of the banks needed the money, but others did not, and yet the government forced all of the 9 banks to take the money. Does Wells Fargo or Chase need the money? Sure, they could use it, but this money comes in the form of partial ownership of the banks by the government.

What if you owned a house that the government decided to take partial ownership of, in exchange for some money, and gave you no choice in the matter? Or a business owner who is doing fine and was forced to sell part of the ownership in your company to the government?

Yet another step in our march towards socialism.

God and Story

One thing I have been noticing in reading the Bible is how God does not go about things in a simple way.  The small group I am in at the singles group at church just finished a study on the life of Joseph.  As we were going through his life, I realized that God brought Jacob and the entire family of Israel from the promised land down to Egypt, only to rescue them and take them back to the promised land 400 years later.  This is not simple.  All throughout Scripture, we see this build up of an incredible story--one in which God is the centerpiece.  And I think that is the point!  The master artist, to display his handiwork, does not simple put a few strokes on a canvas to display his ability.  Michelangelo spend years working on the Sistine Chapel, David, and the other masterpieces that we now remember him by.  The greater the work, usually the longer it takes.  Could it not be said that the redemption of mankind is, at least from a human perspective, the greatest of all works?  And while God could go about our redemption in a very simple, straight-forward manner, His purpose seems to be greater than that.  In fact, the length of time and the complexity and chapters in the story make us more and more amazed by Him, more in awe of Him, and give Him more glory.  His purpose is to display Himself.  The story is about Him and as such it reflects Him.

Bail-out

I suggest reading the following article and contacting your Representative and Senator with your comments... this is happening TODAY!

 

http://www.alternet.org/workplace/100700/the_fiscally_insane_bailout_bill_might_not_pass_--_here's_5_reasons_it_shouldn't/

 

Contact Info:

 

http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm?State=TX

Cornyn, John- (R - TX) (202) 224-2934 - http://cornyn.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?FuseAction=Contact.ContactForm
Hutchison, Kay Bailey- (R - TX) (202) 224-5922 - http://hutchison.senate.gov/contact.cfm

 

White House - comments@whitehouse.gov; 202-456-1111

 

Representative Ken Marchant - (972) 556-0162 - http://www.kennyforcongress.com/ (you may have a different rep)

Housing Meltdown - Explanation

Bailout Plan

In this article , I am in agreement with most of the lawmakers, including the Democrats.  Let me quote parts of this article in references to the proposed (INSANE and STUPID) bail-out plan:

"I understand speed is important, but I'm far more interested in whether or not we get this right," said Sen. Chris Dodd, D-Conn., chairman of the Senate Banking Committee. "There is no second act to this. There is no alternative idea out there with resources available if this does not work," he added.

Sen. Richard C. Shelby of Alabama, the panel's senior Republican, was even more blunt. "I have long opposed government bailouts for individuals and corporate America alike," ..."We have been given no credible assurances that this plan will work. We could very well send $700 billion, or a trillion, and not resolve the crisis."

"Just because God created the world in seven days doesn't mean we have to pass this bill in seven days," said Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas.

Added Rep. Darrell Issa, R-Calif., "I am emphatically against it."

Republicans said the sheer size of the bailout would cost each man, woman and child in the United States $2,300.

If approved and implemented, that could push the government's budget deficit next year into the $1 trillion range — far and away a record.

"This massive bailout is not a solution, It is financial socialism and it's un-American," said Sen. Jim Bunning, R-Ky.

Dodd said the administration's initial proposal would have allowed the Treasury secretary to "act with utter and absolute impunity — without review by any agency or court of law" in deciding how to administer the envisioned bailout program.

"After reading this proposal, I can only conclude that it is not just our economy that is at risk, Mr. Secretary, but our Constitution, as well," Dodd said.

I agree, I agree, I agree!  I strongly encourage you to contact your congressman and senators and tell them to vote NO for any government intervention in the markets (you can do this electronically).  Do not believe the bs that we don't have any other choice.  When businesses make stupid decisions, they are responsible for the consequences of those decisions, which in this case is bankruptcy.  It is not the responsibility of the government (and us, since we actually support it with our taxes) to bail them out.

Check out mises.org for some good and common-sense economics.

Election Choices

I think the biggest losers in this election season are the people in America (us!).  In a hotly contested race of X versus Y, what most of us don't realize is that the difference between the two candidates isn't even a single letter (to speak figuratively).  We are faced with a "choice" of very liberal or the most liberal.  This isn't a choice.  The idea that we think we even have one is rather amusing.  I've had some good discussions (and disagreement) with my friend David about this and he has made some excellent points about voting for the person you really would want in office.  We aren't just limited to a two-party system.  We aren't required to vote either Democrat or Republican.  We actually can--shock!--make a real choice!

My standard objection to voting for a third party candidate is that it is a throw-away vote.  Or is it?  I suppose it might be more like stepping outside of the box and going against the flow.  Now, it isn't wise to do something because it goes against the flow.  But let me offer one question: when did we get ourselves to a mindset that "this person will do less of X than the other person" and therefore is a better choice, when neither one is a good choice to begin with!  Would this be how we would treat sin?  What is the "lesser" sin I can commit? (I am using an extreme here as an illustration only.)

That all being said.. my last objection to voting third party is that it seems to be a little idealistic.  I still have not been able to answer my own question of: what am I really accomplishing by voting third party?  Would it be to have a clear conscience?  It's not like I would be contributing to the lesser of the evils.  Or would I?  Isn't my vote a message that says I am disgusted with both parties?  Maybe I am just too much of a pessimist to think that enough of those kinds of votes would actually make a difference.  It seems unrealistic and impractical to think it would.

I am curious... what do you think?

IBC, Women, and Changes

I am really sad to read that Dr. Bailey has stepped down from the teaching team at IBC over the recent decision of the elder board regarding women's role in the church. I also read in the Dallas Morning News that Tommy Nelson at Denton Bible has strong disagreement over this decision. The full decision of the elders can be read here, but in brief, "At IBC we recognize that God created both man and woman in His image, that He offers the same Holy Spirit to both men and women at salvation, and that the same spiritual gifts are available to both men and women for service. While the New Testament seems to imply that eldership is reserved for men, the elders of IBC affirm that women in all other roles are scripturally qualified, spiritually blessed, and directly called to use their spiritual gifts to build Christ's Kingdom." Now, this is something that I initially agree with and think it is a good decision. I am stunned that Dr. Bailey would step away from IBC because of it, although in his position as president of DTS, it is not one that would be good for him to be associated with (when did we get to the place where truth, if it is truth, must be avoided because of political or economic reasons? Another subject entirely). I must say I have a great amount of respect for Dr. Bailey and will have him as my teacher starting tomorrow for the Bible Study Methods class I am taking at DTS. I feel really sad about Dr. Bailey not being at IBC or teaching there. I think he added a lot to the teaching staff. I hate to see the church divided over this issue (and yet it is only one of the many). I've been thinking a lot about the decision and have been wondering... Did the elders make the right decision? What was their motivation for doing what they did? And then I realized: I can disagree or agree, as I am convicted and study the subject myself. These are fallible men who make wrong decisions too. Please don't misunderstand me--I am not saying I think they are wrong. I still think they are correct, and if anything, I have serious doubts about why Paul would say some of the things he did about women. But this certainly has caused me to take a step back and think a little more about this. I hope to post more on this in the near future--tonight I just wanted to share what is going through my head and heart as I start to see some of its impact.

Inflation

This article is one that is worth reading and considering carefully:

 

http://biz.yahoo.com/bizwk/080818/aug2008db20080815021990.html

 

The reality of the market is that inflation has increased significantly and is only getting worse.  From a savings perspective, this means that you have to earn the inflation rate plus what your target earnings is.  If you are trying to earn 10% on your money, you'll need to achieve that plus the inflation rate, bringing your target rate to 20+%.  Other savings vehicles will need to be pursued.

A Lesson in Obedience from a Rock and a Stick

Today in the children's ministry the passage we covered was in Numbers 20:1-13.  The children of Israel complained against Moses and Aaron for bringing them out to the wilderness to die because they had no water.  Moses and Aaron went before the Lord and He told them to gather the people in one place and speak to a rock and the rock would bring forth water for all the people.  Moses was so frustrated with the people that after venting at them, he struck the rock twice with his rod.  Because of this, Moses was not allowed to lead the people into the Promised Land.  I was thinking about this and felt like God was really harsh with Moses.  He changed one little thing and was not allowed to go into the land that he had spent most of his life trying to go too.  But in thinking about the passage, some things came to the surface.

1.      God is serious about obedience, even in areas we might think are small.

2.      My frustration is not an excuse for disobedience or modifications to what God has told me to do.

3.      Moses' disobedience was a public act, not one that was private.  Public acts of disobedience have harsher consequences, because of the increased responsibility of the disobedient individual, due to the visibility of the act.

Why was it so important to speak to the rock instead of hitting it?  Primarily, because God said to.  By hitting the rock, it lessened the miracle of water coming out of it.  There had to be a huge amount of noise around the rock, with thousands of people grumbling and Moses speaking to them so that they could hear, and yet no water came out.  If the rock had been under a tremendous amount of pressure, hitting it, as Moses did, could have weakened it to where it would have burst.  There was more possibility of a natural occurrence by hitting the rock.  God wants the glory for what He does (as He deserves).  By speaking to the rock, the fact that water would come out could only be attributed as a true miracle from God.  This is a rather simplistic thought as to one possibility, but the point remains: obedience is important, and carries more weight in public matters.

The Democratic Position on Oil

From http://www.investors.com/editorial/cartoon.asp

Responsibility

One of the areas that I struggle with is misplaced responsibility and is an area I have been growing in with the help of my therapist.  In December of last year, he pointed out that there is a lot of shifting responsibility in my family, with me taking on more responsibility and others taking on less.  In doing so, I was carrying a large weight on my shoulders that was unnecessary.  One of the more freeing things recently has been to decrease what I take responsibility for.  Combined with my previous comments about acceptance, these two have been life-changing for me.

Sometimes we take responsibility for things we are responsible for, other times we take on responsibility for things we are not responsible for, and still other times we fail to be responsible for things we are responsible for.  The challenge is to distinguish between these.  One easy way of determining this is to ask myself: can I control it?  Let me give an example.

One of my concerns in having contact with my dad was what would transpire between us if the topics of conversation went to areas that we would strongly disagree on.  My therapist pointed out that in my thought processes, I was taking responsibility for how my dad might respond, when in reality, I can't control how he would respond, nor am I expected to do so!  The only thing I am responsible for is my side of the conversation, and I can freely choose to engage or not, depending on my free choice to talk about certain subjects. 

I used to think that I was supposed to "fix" things in my family, or make sure that things went well.  If person X is mean to person Y, then it is up to me to make sure Y is ok and that X won't be mean again.  If my brother was with a woman who treats him poorly, I would feel a burden for him and would try to think of ways that I could help.  If I saw a psychological need, attempted to assist, and if the person was resistant or flat out non-responsive, I would be agitated because I was taking on responsibility for their issue!  In all of these and more, what I found was that it's not my responsibility!

If person X is mean to person Y, it is up to person Y to stand up for him/herself.  My brother is an adult and has the maturity to make decisions on who he chooses to date.  The individual who needs psychological assistance can be given the card of a qualified psychologist.  If I am talking to my dad and he tries to bring up stuff about my brother, I can (and will) remind my dad that I am not interested in how he and my brother relate, but only how he and I relate.

On the surface, this sounds really harsh!  I used to think that real love was the romantic feelings and doing all these wonderful things for everyone and being the great person who is so nice and helpful.  In my reading and studying, what I've realized is that love is the acceptance of another person as wholly other and free.  To put it another way, another person is separate, distinct, and unique from me and how I relate to him or her is in every way possible one that encourages and promotes freedom.  Therefore, anything that I do that takes responsibility away from them ultimately is an unloving thing to do.  It is like trying to help the butterfly out of the cocoon, when it is through the struggle of getting out that strength is built and the butterfly can actually live and fly.  It means living with greater thought and purpose in how I relate to others.

The Wand and it's Master

This was an interesting parallel I observed while reading Harry Potter, although I doubt it was intentional by its author.

 

In the last Harry Potter book, Deathly Hallows, Harry faces Voldemort twice and both times Voldemort casts the killing curse on Harry.  What Voldemort does not realize is that his wand's master is actually Harry, and the wand will never betray its master.  So the first time the killing curse is cast on Harry, the wand kills the only thing in Harry that is not Harry – the part of Voldemort that was inside of Harry.  The second time, the curse backfires and kills Voldemort.

When Christ died on the cross for the sins of the world, He took the "keys of death and Hades" from Satan.  Christ's redemption of us gives us a new master.  When Satan casts curses our way, the curses can only kill or harm that which is dead, the "sin nature".  But because of redemption, because of the work of Christ, the new man or woman, the recreated individual that Christ has made a person to be, is protected.  Satan can threaten and make promises to lock us up or kill us, but the threats are empty.  Yes, he can kill us, physically, and even painfully.  But "do not fear him who can kill the body, but rather He who can kill the body and soul."  Christ is the authority over spiritual death, and this curse of spiritual death is now hollow when cast by Satan against a child of Christ.  The wand will never betray its master.

Pay Attention!

Much of what is being said in the political arena is either a blantant lie or a carefully spun story that makes a candidate look better.  It is critical to actually measure what is being said with what is common sense and what is actual reality.  A great example of this is the ridiculous proposals for making cars more energy efficient.

 

I have seen statements that amount to something like: "Requiring that all cars have fuel efficiency increased by 50% by the year 2020."  Let's measure this statement with a little bit of common sense.  Consider:

• 2020 is 12 years away.
• 12 years ago the price of gas was $1.27, a 239% increase
• Inflation, if we accept the traditional view (which I do not), runs at about 3-5% annually, which at 12 years, compounded at 4%, equals 60%.

Does anyone see the aburdity in the statement?  If I increase my car efficiency by 50%, but the price of gas has increased by a greater percent, and inflation has made my purchasing power weaker, I've still lost.  The statement has no value for those living in 2020 and is stated so as to sound "good" in the present.

 

Nevermind the disaster of allowing the government to regulate something else, which prevents a (formerly) "free" market to dictate the design and efficiency of cars.  If we want to drive big-ass cars, we must pay the price to drive them.  If we wish for a cheaper gas bill, we can get a more fuel-efficient car.  Actions and choices have consequences.

 

This does not even get into the falling value of the dollar and why gas prices are really rising.  But I write this to illustrate that we need to be cautious and exercise some careful investigation of what is being stated by all parties, everywhere.  Just because it sounds good and feels right doesn't make it true, practical, or a sound long-term solution.