Responsibility

One of the areas that I struggle with is misplaced responsibility and is an area I have been growing in with the help of my therapist.  In December of last year, he pointed out that there is a lot of shifting responsibility in my family, with me taking on more responsibility and others taking on less.  In doing so, I was carrying a large weight on my shoulders that was unnecessary.  One of the more freeing things recently has been to decrease what I take responsibility for.  Combined with my previous comments about acceptance, these two have been life-changing for me.

Sometimes we take responsibility for things we are responsible for, other times we take on responsibility for things we are not responsible for, and still other times we fail to be responsible for things we are responsible for.  The challenge is to distinguish between these.  One easy way of determining this is to ask myself: can I control it?  Let me give an example.

One of my concerns in having contact with my dad was what would transpire between us if the topics of conversation went to areas that we would strongly disagree on.  My therapist pointed out that in my thought processes, I was taking responsibility for how my dad might respond, when in reality, I can't control how he would respond, nor am I expected to do so!  The only thing I am responsible for is my side of the conversation, and I can freely choose to engage or not, depending on my free choice to talk about certain subjects. 

I used to think that I was supposed to "fix" things in my family, or make sure that things went well.  If person X is mean to person Y, then it is up to me to make sure Y is ok and that X won't be mean again.  If my brother was with a woman who treats him poorly, I would feel a burden for him and would try to think of ways that I could help.  If I saw a psychological need, attempted to assist, and if the person was resistant or flat out non-responsive, I would be agitated because I was taking on responsibility for their issue!  In all of these and more, what I found was that it's not my responsibility!

If person X is mean to person Y, it is up to person Y to stand up for him/herself.  My brother is an adult and has the maturity to make decisions on who he chooses to date.  The individual who needs psychological assistance can be given the card of a qualified psychologist.  If I am talking to my dad and he tries to bring up stuff about my brother, I can (and will) remind my dad that I am not interested in how he and my brother relate, but only how he and I relate.

On the surface, this sounds really harsh!  I used to think that real love was the romantic feelings and doing all these wonderful things for everyone and being the great person who is so nice and helpful.  In my reading and studying, what I've realized is that love is the acceptance of another person as wholly other and free.  To put it another way, another person is separate, distinct, and unique from me and how I relate to him or her is in every way possible one that encourages and promotes freedom.  Therefore, anything that I do that takes responsibility away from them ultimately is an unloving thing to do.  It is like trying to help the butterfly out of the cocoon, when it is through the struggle of getting out that strength is built and the butterfly can actually live and fly.  It means living with greater thought and purpose in how I relate to others.