This one little word represents an immense struggle in my life. I was thinking this morning that if I just understood grace, then I wouldn't be so hard on myself. Then I realized: the very definition of grace excludes understanding it! Grace is unmerited (unearned) favor. It is a good gift that I don't deserve. It is forgiveness in the midst of law and my violation of it.
The older I get, the more I see that my struggle with giving to and receiving grace from others is rooted in the lack of grace I give myself. And the lack of grace I give myself comes from my fear of losing control. Grace is very control-free. It is very unnerving to realize that my entire standing before God is completely because of Him and nothing that I have done, am doing, or will ever do. By fully accepting God's grace, I am essentially acknowledging my helpless state!
Now, theologically I believe in God's grace and the reality that it is undeserved. But it does seem that there is a disconnect between my mind and heart. For example, I think about how I am not a loving person. Then I start getting onto myself about not being as loving as I want to be. Then I start thinking about what I need to do in order to become more loving. And then I get discouraged because it seems overwhelming. And then I get frustrated because I am not loving, I want to be loving, but it seems impossible. And I keep trying to figure things out, figure out what I need to do, think, say, etc. in order to be what I want to be.
Where am I going with this? I don't know. I think this goes back to an earlier post where I felt God was telling me to "Be still and know He is God." I am not a standard for myself and maybe what He wants from me is the surrender of this standard of measure by which I measure myself (and others). He wants me to accept His Word about who I am in Him, regardless of what I think or feel about myself. And, He wants me to accept the fact that I won't be able to understand why He gives grace, or how deep His grace is, or how He is going to change me, or the million other questions I keep trying to solve. I'm the patient who keeps trying to tell the doctor what to do.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Cohabitation
Another interesting article, this one about cohabitation.
Couples who move in together before marriage have up to two times the odds of divorce, as compared with couples who marry before living together. Moreover, married couples who have lived together before exchanging vows tend to have poorer-quality marriages than couples who moved in after the wedding. Those who cohabited first report less satisfaction, more arguing, poorer communication and lower levels of commitment.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Hard Work
I really enjoyed this post. From the article:
You may think this is harsh, but it's not. Hard work is the single most important thing you can learn in life besides devotion to spouse and parents. One reason people become failures and/or criminals is because they never learned to work.
People who develop the habit of hard work don't become bums or drug addicts, and don't wind up in middle age with suicidal self-loathing. "Work, generally speaking, is the single best cure for any malady of soul or mind," said the greatest thinker in English history, Samuel Johnson. (I'm paraphrasing here. The exact quote is slightly different.) Work elevates the spirit, disciplines the mind, conveys self worth -- redeems life itself.
Monday, November 19, 2007
A Thief of Joy
Fear is a thief of joy. I continue to see this almost every day. Not only does it take away the enjoyment of today, but it robs you of the anticipation of tomorrow and the satisfaction of yesterday.
I've been thinking about this specifically in relation to the retreat I came back from this weekend. Leading up to the retreat, I wasn't very excited about going. I invented scenarios in my head and had gone down the road mentally of several "what ifs". So I wasn't very excited about going; if anything, I just wanted to get it over with. Now that I am back, I can look at the worries I had before going and I see that almost all of them were unnecessary. I wasted a great amount of mental energy and allowed worry and fear to steal my joy.
This applies to a great many areas in my life. One of the big areas I feel like Christ is growing me in is this area of trust and releasing fears. One of the fruits of the Spirit is joy! Without joy, life is no longer life--it turns into a repetitive emotionless search for meaning.
Choosing not to worry is not easy at all. But aren't all good things in life worth fighting for? Is not joy worth fighting for? Even the joy on the other side of difficulty, such as Christ enduring the cross for the joy set before Him, in Heb. 12:2. Don't let fear steal your joy!
I've been thinking about this specifically in relation to the retreat I came back from this weekend. Leading up to the retreat, I wasn't very excited about going. I invented scenarios in my head and had gone down the road mentally of several "what ifs". So I wasn't very excited about going; if anything, I just wanted to get it over with. Now that I am back, I can look at the worries I had before going and I see that almost all of them were unnecessary. I wasted a great amount of mental energy and allowed worry and fear to steal my joy.
This applies to a great many areas in my life. One of the big areas I feel like Christ is growing me in is this area of trust and releasing fears. One of the fruits of the Spirit is joy! Without joy, life is no longer life--it turns into a repetitive emotionless search for meaning.
Choosing not to worry is not easy at all. But aren't all good things in life worth fighting for? Is not joy worth fighting for? Even the joy on the other side of difficulty, such as Christ enduring the cross for the joy set before Him, in Heb. 12:2. Don't let fear steal your joy!
Manhood and Outdoor Activities
John Eldredge in his books strongly argues that outdoor activities are a necessary part of manhood. I want to add a word of caution to this belief because I think it is easy to misinterpret his argument and take it to an extreme.
Outdoor activities do not prove oneself as a man. They help build confidence, allow a man to exercise his strength, and can be helpful in confirming what is already true, but do not make one a man. If I measure myself as a man by the success of these activities, then any failure in doing them will result in me questioning my manhood! Suppose I decide to play baseball and discover that I am not good at it. If I measure myself as a man based on how I play baseball, I will believe that I am a failure as a man (this can be applied to anything: rock climbing, cycling, etc.).
Is it any surprise that men get so angry at times when they feel they are failing? Part of the problem may be that men believe this lie that says I must succeed at this in order to be a man. We are constantly trying to prove our manhood and when we fail, we get angry and underneath this anger is the fear that we aren't really men.
Am I defined as a man by my successes or failures or am I defined as a man by my God? Do I accept the definition of manhood that the world gives based on the sports and athleticism? Do I focus on whether I feel like a man today (which is as inconsistent as the weather) or my standing and place before Christ? Is a "real" man never afraid, never weak, never uncertain?
It is worth paying careful attention to why activities are done. Do you feel angry if you aren't doing well? Go there - why are you feeling angry? What unfinished place inside of you is the fear speaking from? Are you believing a lie that defines your manhood by your success at this activity? Ask Christ to show you who you are in Him.
Outdoor activities do not prove oneself as a man. They help build confidence, allow a man to exercise his strength, and can be helpful in confirming what is already true, but do not make one a man. If I measure myself as a man by the success of these activities, then any failure in doing them will result in me questioning my manhood! Suppose I decide to play baseball and discover that I am not good at it. If I measure myself as a man based on how I play baseball, I will believe that I am a failure as a man (this can be applied to anything: rock climbing, cycling, etc.).
Is it any surprise that men get so angry at times when they feel they are failing? Part of the problem may be that men believe this lie that says I must succeed at this in order to be a man. We are constantly trying to prove our manhood and when we fail, we get angry and underneath this anger is the fear that we aren't really men.
Am I defined as a man by my successes or failures or am I defined as a man by my God? Do I accept the definition of manhood that the world gives based on the sports and athleticism? Do I focus on whether I feel like a man today (which is as inconsistent as the weather) or my standing and place before Christ? Is a "real" man never afraid, never weak, never uncertain?
It is worth paying careful attention to why activities are done. Do you feel angry if you aren't doing well? Go there - why are you feeling angry? What unfinished place inside of you is the fear speaking from? Are you believing a lie that defines your manhood by your success at this activity? Ask Christ to show you who you are in Him.
Marriage and a Ropes Course
I have previously had an opinion that an ironclad commitment in marriage is unrealistic, because either party can change, and the change could be for the worse. The idea of staying married no matter what seemed a little extreme. What about abuse, affairs, or giving up? I have been told by a married friend of mine that it wouldn't matter. Really? I didn't believe him, mainly because I see my humanity and feel that at some point in a bad marriage, I'd be done. (Now, his belief is that it wouldn't stay bad if you keep trying.)
This weekend I did a ropes course and was very surprised by what I experienced in doing it. Before doing it, I wasn't sure I could do it. I didn't know about finishing. I set my goal to be at least make it through the first part of it. Here was the shock. When I set foot on the course, something clicked in my head and there was no going back. I was going to finish. There was no question about it. Something inside of me knew I could and would finish. There were a couple of things I have never tried in my life, that I've been deathly afraid of, and something inside of me did not allow any hesitation. It was a feeling that I had made a decision and I was going to follow through with it, no matter what fears or difficulty I faced. I was securely fastened and I would be fine.
How does this relate to marriage? I feel the idea of marriage is very intimidating... it is for life! But experiencing the ropes course over the weekend made me realize that when the decision is made, something inside of the brain changes and there is a commitment to the decision that could almost be described as irrational! Perhaps this is one of the part that love plays in a relationship--it causes us to do things that normally our brain would determine as irrational (not that I am suggesting to abandon yourself to emotions and ignore your mind; there is room for wisdom and making smart choices).
The presence of Christ in my life as my Lord is the truth of being securely fastened in the course--that even if I fall, He will catch me, pick me up, and set me back on the course. As I navigate through life, in the experiences of a relationship, work, marriage, friendships, or school, He is the harness around my waist, the rope that fastens to me, and the anchor that keeps me safe.
This weekend I did a ropes course and was very surprised by what I experienced in doing it. Before doing it, I wasn't sure I could do it. I didn't know about finishing. I set my goal to be at least make it through the first part of it. Here was the shock. When I set foot on the course, something clicked in my head and there was no going back. I was going to finish. There was no question about it. Something inside of me knew I could and would finish. There were a couple of things I have never tried in my life, that I've been deathly afraid of, and something inside of me did not allow any hesitation. It was a feeling that I had made a decision and I was going to follow through with it, no matter what fears or difficulty I faced. I was securely fastened and I would be fine.
How does this relate to marriage? I feel the idea of marriage is very intimidating... it is for life! But experiencing the ropes course over the weekend made me realize that when the decision is made, something inside of the brain changes and there is a commitment to the decision that could almost be described as irrational! Perhaps this is one of the part that love plays in a relationship--it causes us to do things that normally our brain would determine as irrational (not that I am suggesting to abandon yourself to emotions and ignore your mind; there is room for wisdom and making smart choices).
The presence of Christ in my life as my Lord is the truth of being securely fastened in the course--that even if I fall, He will catch me, pick me up, and set me back on the course. As I navigate through life, in the experiences of a relationship, work, marriage, friendships, or school, He is the harness around my waist, the rope that fastens to me, and the anchor that keeps me safe.
Friday, November 16, 2007
David's Praise
I read this morning a verse in Psalm 34:4, 7-8:
I sought the LORD, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears... The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them. O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!This passage gives me great comfort. David is testifying that God came through for Him and promises that He will come through for me.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Be Still
Cease striving and know that I am God. (Psalm 46.10a, also translated Be still and know that I am God)
I was riding on the bike this morning and was thinking about what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, and what I was afraid to do. I was mentally making a list of all the things I dislike about myself that I wanted to work on. It started to become very overwhelming and this verse came to mind. It is a difficult verse for a type-A, super-achiever, perfectionist to understand. You want me to do what!?!? Or better, you want me to stop doing?!? If anything, my natural reaction is to try harder, to do more, to try to find "the fix". I keep endlessly searching for who I am, which as helpful as that might be, who I am will still be a dead end in the end. Don't get me wrong -- I am all for deep soul-searching and seeking to know one's past so as to understand its impact on the present and future. But I keep getting caught up in the circular reference of self.
Maybe what God desires of me is less of me striving and more of me listening to Him. When Mary and Martha had Christ over for dinner, Martha was busy preparing the food while Mary was sitting at the feet of Christ hanging on His every word. Martha was mad at her and told Christ to make Mary get up and help her. Christ's response was, "Martha, Martha [Joshua, Joshua], you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:41) It is hard for a Martha to simply sit and listen. It doesn't feel like I am doing anything! But isn't that the point: it's not about what I am doing, but what He is doing! This is hard for me to swallow. And yet somewhere, deep inside my soul, there is a shout of joy. After all, my list is overwhelming.
In my typical type-A fashion, I start to but what about my... "But what about getting myself to a place where I can be a good husband, father, employee, family member, friend? But what about my fear? But what about my selfishness? But what about my..."
But what about God?
Cease striving and know that I am God.
I was riding on the bike this morning and was thinking about what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, and what I was afraid to do. I was mentally making a list of all the things I dislike about myself that I wanted to work on. It started to become very overwhelming and this verse came to mind. It is a difficult verse for a type-A, super-achiever, perfectionist to understand. You want me to do what!?!? Or better, you want me to stop doing?!? If anything, my natural reaction is to try harder, to do more, to try to find "the fix". I keep endlessly searching for who I am, which as helpful as that might be, who I am will still be a dead end in the end. Don't get me wrong -- I am all for deep soul-searching and seeking to know one's past so as to understand its impact on the present and future. But I keep getting caught up in the circular reference of self.
Maybe what God desires of me is less of me striving and more of me listening to Him. When Mary and Martha had Christ over for dinner, Martha was busy preparing the food while Mary was sitting at the feet of Christ hanging on His every word. Martha was mad at her and told Christ to make Mary get up and help her. Christ's response was, "Martha, Martha [Joshua, Joshua], you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:41) It is hard for a Martha to simply sit and listen. It doesn't feel like I am doing anything! But isn't that the point: it's not about what I am doing, but what He is doing! This is hard for me to swallow. And yet somewhere, deep inside my soul, there is a shout of joy. After all, my list is overwhelming.
In my typical type-A fashion, I start to but what about my... "But what about getting myself to a place where I can be a good husband, father, employee, family member, friend? But what about my fear? But what about my selfishness? But what about my..."
But what about God?
- So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. (Is. 55:11)
- But he [Christ] said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9)
- Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. (Is. 41:10)
- Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth Does not become weary or tired His understanding is inscrutable. (Is. 40:28)
Cease striving and know that I am God.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
East to West
Casting Crowns has a new CD out and their song East to West is amazing:
I have highlighted some of the words that really stick out to me. My greatest fear is to become like my dad, a man overwhelmed by fear. This song speaks very deeply to my heart about the change and hope that is in Jesus Christ.
East To West - Casting Crowns
Here I am Lord and I'm drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you've cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way
Chorus:
Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You
But You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me
Jesus You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been rising up in me again
In your arms of Your mercy I find rest
cause You know how far the east is from the west
from one scarred hand to the other
I have highlighted some of the words that really stick out to me. My greatest fear is to become like my dad, a man overwhelmed by fear. This song speaks very deeply to my heart about the change and hope that is in Jesus Christ.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Stupid
Well, I noted a couple of weeks ago that Apple needs to get its act together on allowing the consumer to do what they want with what they buy. And yet, here they go, continuing their stupidity.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Article
I thought this was a good article that Pastor Andy sent out today, especially the following quote:
http://blogs.usatoday.com/oped/2007/10/a-christian-fou.html
Nietzsche argued that since the Christian God is the foundation of Western values, the death of God must necessarily mean the erosion and ultimate collapse of those values. Remove the base and the whole building will slowly crumble. For a while, Nietzsche conceded, people would out of custom or habit continue to respect human life and treat people with equal dignity, but eventually there would be ferocious assaults on these values, and practices once unthinkable such as the killing of people deemed inferior or undesirable would once again occur. This is precisely what we have seen in our time, and Nietzsche predicted that it will only get worse.
http://blogs.usatoday.com/oped/2007/10/a-christian-fou.html
Friday, October 19, 2007
Discerning Truth
A few days ago I noted that I wanted to post on discerning truth. This topic has been bothering me for a while, and I wanted to share my frustration and thoughts about it.
When I say discerning truth, I mean determining what is true and what is not. We live in an information age, and we are bombarded daily with expert after expert making statements that make the truth claim. And yet with all of these can't be true at the same time, because many of them contradict each other. We have studies that suggest that gender is physical and others that suggest that gender is sociological. Which is right? Is it reasonable to expect that one of the choices must be right?
It seems to me that one needs to develop a great ability to accept change, because what is believed to be true today may not be tomorrow. At one time, the earth was thought to be the center of the solar system; now, the sun is believed to be the center. As scientific discoveries are made, some things are proven to be true, others are proven false, and still others are shown to be partially true or false.
In addition to further discoveries, this is great disagreement on what is accepted at true. One cannot prove or disprove evolution or creation. This statement might be met with much disagreement, but we simply do not have proven evidence that proves one or the other (by this I mean a definite repeatable experiment that shows that chance changed the actual species of a living organism, or that God created the world). And so great arguments arise because (at least in my view) people are arguing on different foundations. If I accept studies X, Y, and Z as true, and you accept studies A, B, and C as true, and neither of us agree with the other's accepted studies, an honest discussion is pointless, aside from debating for the fun of it.
So much of what we accept as truth is really theory, perhaps very good theory, but ultimately theory. And the basis for truth seems to change constantly because different people and groups have different standards for deciding that something is true. For example, after reading a book on the female brain, the author convinced me that gender is genetic, because I define it as a physical thing. But my basis is the sperm's chromosomes and the testosterone explosion that happens in the sixth week of gestation. Another person may define gender in terms of non-physical attributes, such as mental attitudes or leanings. Thus, an argument over gender is rather useless until some sort of common ground can be reached on what will be accepted as true.
Thus, I am left feeling very frustrated, because how is one to have an open, honest discussion? You come from your point of view and I come from mine. Until we each understand where the other is coming from and what basis the other person is coming from, what you certainly won't have is good discussion.
One final thought and I am done. It is a silly thing for Christians to demand that non-believers accept the Bible as the basis for truth. It isn't productive to begin at that place. It's like trying to sail a ship on land.
When I say discerning truth, I mean determining what is true and what is not. We live in an information age, and we are bombarded daily with expert after expert making statements that make the truth claim. And yet with all of these can't be true at the same time, because many of them contradict each other. We have studies that suggest that gender is physical and others that suggest that gender is sociological. Which is right? Is it reasonable to expect that one of the choices must be right?
It seems to me that one needs to develop a great ability to accept change, because what is believed to be true today may not be tomorrow. At one time, the earth was thought to be the center of the solar system; now, the sun is believed to be the center. As scientific discoveries are made, some things are proven to be true, others are proven false, and still others are shown to be partially true or false.
In addition to further discoveries, this is great disagreement on what is accepted at true. One cannot prove or disprove evolution or creation. This statement might be met with much disagreement, but we simply do not have proven evidence that proves one or the other (by this I mean a definite repeatable experiment that shows that chance changed the actual species of a living organism, or that God created the world). And so great arguments arise because (at least in my view) people are arguing on different foundations. If I accept studies X, Y, and Z as true, and you accept studies A, B, and C as true, and neither of us agree with the other's accepted studies, an honest discussion is pointless, aside from debating for the fun of it.
So much of what we accept as truth is really theory, perhaps very good theory, but ultimately theory. And the basis for truth seems to change constantly because different people and groups have different standards for deciding that something is true. For example, after reading a book on the female brain, the author convinced me that gender is genetic, because I define it as a physical thing. But my basis is the sperm's chromosomes and the testosterone explosion that happens in the sixth week of gestation. Another person may define gender in terms of non-physical attributes, such as mental attitudes or leanings. Thus, an argument over gender is rather useless until some sort of common ground can be reached on what will be accepted as true.
Thus, I am left feeling very frustrated, because how is one to have an open, honest discussion? You come from your point of view and I come from mine. Until we each understand where the other is coming from and what basis the other person is coming from, what you certainly won't have is good discussion.
One final thought and I am done. It is a silly thing for Christians to demand that non-believers accept the Bible as the basis for truth. It isn't productive to begin at that place. It's like trying to sail a ship on land.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Apple and iPhone
Yet another example of a company trying to control and lock down its consumers, to it's own hurt. In the technology industry, you don't lock down anything, unless you want a bunch of pissed off consumers. Apple needs to quit trying to prevent nerds from being nerds and embrace an open source concept that encourages innovation.
Oh the hypocrisy
So Al Gore won a Nobel for his environmental crap. And yet, as this article points out, his actions don't match his words.
It is my opinion that the environmental movement is ultimately about control, not about what is really true. This brings up another point which I hope to post in very soon, which is about discerning truth.
It is my opinion that the environmental movement is ultimately about control, not about what is really true. This brings up another point which I hope to post in very soon, which is about discerning truth.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
MP3 Music Downloads
Amazon has opened its DRM-free music store! You may download
music from its store that is not copy protected, and it is in 256 kbps! Here is what Amazon says:
music from its store that is not copy protected, and it is in 256 kbps! Here is what Amazon says:* Selection: Every day we add new music to our collection of over 2 million songs from independent and major label artists. We're continually working with music labels to offer more and more content in the MP3 format.Visit amazon.com.
* Quality: Our MP3 tracks are encoded at 256 kbps, which gives you high-quality audio at a reasonable file size. This means your music sounds great and downloads quickly.
* Freedom: Because we sell MP3 files with absolutely no rights management software, you're free to listen to your music on any device you'd like.
* Value: Amazon MP3 offers high-quality DRM-free downloads at low prices. Find full albums as low as $4.99 and tracks as low as 89 cents.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
I am an idiot
I was reading my brother's blog and he made a statement that caught my attention. In reference to what my dad taught us as children, he said: "I am a [huge] idiot for ever believing in all that [trash]." This is a statement I have made before, so I understand where he is coming from. I want to walk through some of the things I have learned through my healing process. Perhaps it will be beneficial to others.
In her excellent book, Becoming Real, Dr. Saltz argues that our childhood stories hold us back from becoming real, authentic, adult individuals. We create our childhood stories in order to survive and harmonize what we experience as we grow up. Let me give you an example:
Stage 1: I am not worth being heard because there is something wrong with me.
Stage 2: My parents were idiots and morons and I hate them. (we have identified that the fault is the dad's, not ours and then we switch our anger)
Stage 3: My parents are imperfect and probably have stories of their own they never dealt with.
Stage 1
We must identify the story and the source of the story -- why do I think this way? What was communicated to me, verbally or non-verbally, in my childhood? Who communicated it to me? What happened that caused it to be communicated to me? What am I believing about myself that may not be true? I identify the story, "Something is wrong with me", and then I identify the story's source, "Dad wouldn't listen to me." Once we have identified both, we can then check our conclusion. Just because dad wouldn't listen to me doesn't mean something is wrong with me. Maybe something is wrong with him ! And so we move to...
Stage 2
The years of anger and frustration we have aimed at ourselves comes boiling out at the people who have hurt us. All this time we have felt the fault is ours. We have discovered we were lied too, or treated horribly. The appropriate anger over this is felt and finally directed (sometimes verbally) at the culprit (and not us). Instead of feeling self-loathing, the daughter now feels anger and hurt from the words spoken to her by her dad. She is angry at him because of how he treated her as a child, and for just cause! I have said before that wounds must be felt before they can be healed. This is a very necessary and important part of the healing process. The caution here is when and if to express this to the parent. The daughter may decide not to discuss this with her dad, either because he is unavailable, or would not be receptive. What matters is that she finally identifies the person who was wrong and charges them with the wrong (by "charge" I mean ascribing fault), instead of believing that she was wrong.
Many, if not most, people get stuck before stage 1 or somewhere in stage 2. Either I am angry at myself and don't know why (or I know why and don't care), or I am angry with my parents, and stop there. It is scary to actually move beyond the wounded state and into healing. After all, a broken leg might get me more attention or care than if it were fine. I'd actually have to run the race of life a little faster if this leg were healed.
Stage 3
After accepting the story is false and feeling the anger and hurt towards the people responsible, we are then at a place where we can chose to accept the parent with their mistakes. You cannot skip from "the problem is with me" to this stage -- feeling the hurt and anger is essential to healing. Just as healing is personal, so are the decisions once the story is re-told. In my own life, I have chosen not to have contact with my dad, because he continues his destructive habits towards others. At some point, when I start to understand that I actually have value , it makes me a lot less likely to accept or even be around those who would try to deny it. But that is my choice. It is an extreme one, and likely not one you would have to make. What is important is to create boundaries in your life that are consistent with the new, truthful story. The daughter might think, " I am a person of worth and therefore what I have to say is worth hearing. Therefore, if I am interrupted or told to shut up by my dad in the future, I will gently, but firmly confront him and tell him that I am not finished or I want to talk (or arrange for a better time to talk when he will listen). If he does not respect this stance, then I will not talk to him." Our new boundaries will be met with resistance, both by ourselves and others. Our false story will keep trying to reassert itself and we will regularly have to keep reminding ourselves of its falsehood. And other people may have been spoiled to the "door mat" that we were for them that we will no longer be for them.
This is healing. This is when the person has reached a place of maturity, when a wound has been recognized, felt, and healed. This is when an adult acts as an adult, out of genuine wishes, desires, and choices, instead of wounds, false stories, and a battered self image.
Additional Thoughts
I want to emphasize again that the stages I have listed are not complete nor are they necessary in order. Healing is unique to the individual, and your healing will take a very personal route that is specific to you. The main emphasis of this post is that you are a person of value, and if you do not believe that to be true, you are acting and believing a story that is not true . It is worth identifying and seeking healing from such stories so you can live a whole life.
In her excellent book, Becoming Real, Dr. Saltz argues that our childhood stories hold us back from becoming real, authentic, adult individuals. We create our childhood stories in order to survive and harmonize what we experience as we grow up. Let me give you an example:
- A father regularly tells his daughter to shut up when he is home.
- The daughter thinks: there something wrong with me. Here is where our childhood state limits us. We can't blame our parents because we need them. It is a terrifying thing for a child to imagine that a parent is wrong (where else will the child go?). In fact, we almost never do. Please understand that as you read this, you can see that the father is being an ass. But a child rarely will be able to see such a thing.
- Therefore, if the parent is not to blame, then the fault is: me. I am at fault, I am the problem, I am the issue. In the example of the daughter, she will feel that my opinion and words don't matter because I am not important and there is something wrong with me. I am worthless and don't have any value and that is why daddy doesn't want me to talk. It is easy to see this as faulty logic as an adult, but a child does not have such mental competence.
- The daughter will now grow up believing this, even as an adult, and will act in a manner consistent with the "story" (I am not worth being heard) she created as a child.
Stage 1: I am not worth being heard because there is something wrong with me.
Stage 2: My parents were idiots and morons and I hate them. (we have identified that the fault is the dad's, not ours and then we switch our anger)
Stage 3: My parents are imperfect and probably have stories of their own they never dealt with.
Stage 1
We must identify the story and the source of the story -- why do I think this way? What was communicated to me, verbally or non-verbally, in my childhood? Who communicated it to me? What happened that caused it to be communicated to me? What am I believing about myself that may not be true? I identify the story, "Something is wrong with me", and then I identify the story's source, "Dad wouldn't listen to me." Once we have identified both, we can then check our conclusion. Just because dad wouldn't listen to me doesn't mean something is wrong with me. Maybe something is wrong with him ! And so we move to...
Stage 2
The years of anger and frustration we have aimed at ourselves comes boiling out at the people who have hurt us. All this time we have felt the fault is ours. We have discovered we were lied too, or treated horribly. The appropriate anger over this is felt and finally directed (sometimes verbally) at the culprit (and not us). Instead of feeling self-loathing, the daughter now feels anger and hurt from the words spoken to her by her dad. She is angry at him because of how he treated her as a child, and for just cause! I have said before that wounds must be felt before they can be healed. This is a very necessary and important part of the healing process. The caution here is when and if to express this to the parent. The daughter may decide not to discuss this with her dad, either because he is unavailable, or would not be receptive. What matters is that she finally identifies the person who was wrong and charges them with the wrong (by "charge" I mean ascribing fault), instead of believing that she was wrong.
Many, if not most, people get stuck before stage 1 or somewhere in stage 2. Either I am angry at myself and don't know why (or I know why and don't care), or I am angry with my parents, and stop there. It is scary to actually move beyond the wounded state and into healing. After all, a broken leg might get me more attention or care than if it were fine. I'd actually have to run the race of life a little faster if this leg were healed.
Stage 3
After accepting the story is false and feeling the anger and hurt towards the people responsible, we are then at a place where we can chose to accept the parent with their mistakes. You cannot skip from "the problem is with me" to this stage -- feeling the hurt and anger is essential to healing. Just as healing is personal, so are the decisions once the story is re-told. In my own life, I have chosen not to have contact with my dad, because he continues his destructive habits towards others. At some point, when I start to understand that I actually have value , it makes me a lot less likely to accept or even be around those who would try to deny it. But that is my choice. It is an extreme one, and likely not one you would have to make. What is important is to create boundaries in your life that are consistent with the new, truthful story. The daughter might think, " I am a person of worth and therefore what I have to say is worth hearing. Therefore, if I am interrupted or told to shut up by my dad in the future, I will gently, but firmly confront him and tell him that I am not finished or I want to talk (or arrange for a better time to talk when he will listen). If he does not respect this stance, then I will not talk to him." Our new boundaries will be met with resistance, both by ourselves and others. Our false story will keep trying to reassert itself and we will regularly have to keep reminding ourselves of its falsehood. And other people may have been spoiled to the "door mat" that we were for them that we will no longer be for them.
This is healing. This is when the person has reached a place of maturity, when a wound has been recognized, felt, and healed. This is when an adult acts as an adult, out of genuine wishes, desires, and choices, instead of wounds, false stories, and a battered self image.
Additional Thoughts
I want to emphasize again that the stages I have listed are not complete nor are they necessary in order. Healing is unique to the individual, and your healing will take a very personal route that is specific to you. The main emphasis of this post is that you are a person of value, and if you do not believe that to be true, you are acting and believing a story that is not true . It is worth identifying and seeking healing from such stories so you can live a whole life.
Monday, August 27, 2007
HDTV
I did not realize there was a deadline:
Congress passed a law on February 1, 2006, setting a final deadline for the DTV transition of February 17, 2009. Most television stations will continue broadcasting both analog and digital programming until February 17, 2009, when all analog broadcasting will stop. Analog TVs receiving over-the-air programming will still work after that date, but owners of these TVs will need to buy converter boxes to change digital broadcasts into analog format. Converter boxes will be available from consumer electronic products retailers at that time. Cable and satellite subscribers with analog TVs should contact their service providers about obtaining converter boxes for the DTV transition.
Interesting
I found this post to be very interesting. It is a good warning for the upcoming elections next year.
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