Acceptance

About six months ago I was told by my therapist that the difficulties in my interactions with my dad were my fault.  Now, I had not seen or talked to my dad for seven years, but my therapist's comment was in reference to some of what had happened many years ago.  The short version is that as I grew older and began to develop my own ideas and opinions that were (in some cases, very) different from what my dad thought, he and I had more and more conflict.  Needless to say, this statement by my therapist came as quite a shock and completely stopped my mental train of thought.  How is it my fault?  After all, dad's supposed to be the adult!

And that is when I was told something that has been life-changing to me.  "Your problems in how you related to your dad were a failure on your part to accept your dad as he is.  You expected your dad to be an objective, unselfish father and that is simply not who he is."  In short, I had failed to accept my dad for who he was and is.  In the last several months, I have come to believe that this statement is not only true, but that acceptance is one of the most important ingredients in successful relationships and in personal growth.  A tremendous amount of pain in our interactions with other people may very well be rooted in our lack of acceptance for who those people are.

At first, I had a very difficult time accepting my therapist's statement.  I wanted a relationship with my dad that would support objective dialogue.  I learned in this difficulty that part of acceptance of another person will involve a mourning of the expectations as they are let go.  I had to learn to accept that the kind of relationship with my dad that I had hoped to have was not to be, but that by accepting him for who he was, we could have a relationship with one another (instead of none at all).  And that is what has happened.  I saw my dad for the first time on New Year's Eve, and applied this concept to our interaction.  I have seen him again and exchanged several emails over the last several months and our interaction has been very positive.  It has been positive in part because I have released my expectations for what I wanted him to be and instead have accepted him for who he is.  This has meant that I steer the conversation clear of certain areas, knowing that he cannot be objective in discussing them.  It means that I accept the fact that I will not receive his approval for certain actions or beliefs I have, and thus there is no point in asking for that approval.  This has been liberating.

You might be thinking that this sounds like a lot of work on my part; that the interaction with him isn't that great because I have to avoid certain topics, that he isn't being what a "real dad ought to be".  Well, it is a lot of work on my part, but it is work I am willing to do (for reasons I hope to discuss further at some point).  As for the interaction not being "great", what do we define as "great", except what we set forth in our expectations of others?  A dad being a "great dad" implies that he is exceeding a set of expectations that one has of what a "good dad" would be.  These expectations may not be realistic and if they do not match the person we compare them too, we have failed to accept the person.  What I am saying is that "great" is relative and when it comes to people, long-term positive interaction occurs as we learn to accept others as they are, instead of holding them to an unrealistic standard of what we want them to be, expect them to be, or think they 'should' be.  In practicality for me, it has meant that I significantly reduce what I expect of my dad, which then leads to having a form of positive interaction with him that is mutually beneficial.

Let me repeat again that acceptance is one of the most important ingredients to successful interaction with other people, whether this interaction takes places in friendships, family circles, or the closest type of interaction, marriage.  On the surface, it seems simple, but doing it is really hard.  Expecting someone to be on time when they are habitually late may not be realistic to who they are.  Expecting someone to do something your way instead of the way they do it may not be consistent with their personality.  It may not be the way you do it, but they aren't you (I have to remind myself of this one constantly!).  I didn't and still don't realize all of the places where this has an impact.  Do I accept this person for who they are now or am I expecting them to change, in some way, either in the short or long-term?